December 2007 Archives

I'm going to drink from a bottle of Slivovitz until I become unconscious.

I'll talk at you next week.

Lester Aldrich is a freelance columnist for Octogenarian Magazine.  Manka Bros. Studios is not responsible for any action by our freelance writers.  If Mr. Aldrich actually kills someone, that's his problem. Manka Bros. cannot be held accountable. 

I'm going to drink from a bottle of Slivovitz until I become unconscious.

I'll talk at you next week.

Lester Aldrich is a freelance columnist for Octogenarian Magazine.  Manka Bros. Studios is not responsible for any action by our freelance writers.  If Mr. Aldrich actually kills someone, that's his problem. Manka Bros. cannot be held accountable. 

I once ate a man in Korea.  I'd prefer not to go into details.  The Pentagon told us never to discuss it.

The only time I ever think about that "incident" is when we have weather like this.  Eighteen inches of snow, frozen roads, sub-zero temperatures.

In the spring of 1952, I saw a man's face shatter like ice when he was shaving with a rusty razor.  Brutal. Goddamned brutal.

All THOSE DAMN KIDS know how to do is flop down the frozen streets on their stomachs like little panty-waists. The snow here is so thick, Mrs. Aldrich had to get out and mark the borders of my lawn with wire just so those moron kids don't slide onto my property.

I watch from my window all day long... waiting... waiting...

One of these days, one of THOSE DAMN KIDS is going to sled into a snowdrift and they'll never find the body until the Summer thaw and then they'll wonder why he's missing a leg or a heart.

I've heard stories that people from Michigan are cannibals by nature.  I'm not sure if that's true or not.  I haven't eaten anyone since 1952.

Mrs. Aldrich hasn't eaten anyone since 1986 (that's a joke).  It was closer to 1982 (that's also a joke).  As far as I know, she's never eaten one person.  But she's from Iowa.  And I hear people from Iowa are more interested in chicken.

Days like this make me sad.

THOSE DAMN KIDS giggling like gorillas and sliding down my street on their fat bodies will never know what it's like to be really hungry.  I mean REALLY hungry.  So hungry that you'd... well, you know...

The sacrifices I made just so they could go to Arby's...

I'll talk at you next week...