February 2008 Archives

If Alf Landon were President, we wouldn't have waited for the Japs to bomb us, we would have bombed them as soon as they Raped Naking.  We would have bombed Germany while Hitler was still sucking on his mother's cock.  We would have bombed Russia before they were the Soviet Union.  We goddamned would have stopped alot of Goddamned suffering.

The people wanted Alf.  The people loved Alf.  Alf got screwed up the ass because he was from Kansas.  FDR said to the New York Times, "President's don't come from Kansas.  Kansas is where drooling idiots fornicate with mules." [ed. note: FDR never said any such thing. The 1936 election was won by FDR in the biggest landslide in U.S. Presidential history.]

FDR was a pussy.  And what a great job he did.  Just look where we are now:

... What?

I lost my train of thought.  Once again, my last remaining peaceful moments in my life ruined by THOSE DAMN KIDS.

It seems that little idiot Billy Snotstick from across the street decided to throw a flaming dog turd onto my lawn. Ooh, real destructive jerk!  Where I come from that's mulch!

Let's see how that disrespectful little retard would like a Molotov cocktail thrown into his house in the middle of the night.  I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!

As I watch Mrs. Aldrich clean up the shit, I suddenly realize...

Fuck politics, fuck presidential debates, I'll be dead in four years.

I'll talk at you next week.

Manka Bros. is not responsible for any action by our freelance writers. If Mr. Aldrich actually kills someone, that's his problem. Manka Bros. cannot be held accountable.

Yesterday's Super Bowl™ made me want to kill THOSE DAMN KIDS in my neighborhood.  I've never seen a worse display of athleticism in my 80-some years on this ridiculous planet.

His name was Earl "Dutch" Clark and he's a Hall of Famer who played for the Detroit Lions back when football meant something.

In 1928, a strapping young 24-year-old from an unknown tiny school called Colorado College was listed on the All-American football team.  He was one of the most versatile players in football history.  He was never afraid to play with broken leg and often killed his opponents when he hit them.  THAT'S a hit!

In 1931, he signed with the Portsmouth Spartans of the NFL and was with them for two bloody seasons.  In one particular game, with a leg dangling from its socket, he dragged the entire Brooklyn Dodgers team into the end-zone, scoring all the points in a 19-0 victory.  He played offense AND defense unlike the pussies in the current NFL.  In his two years with Portsmouth, he was All-Pro quarterback both seasons.

But Portsmouth couldn't afford his hefty $140 a game salary so he left pro football in 1933 to coach at Colorado School of Mines.

The following year, the Portsmouth team moved to Detroit to eventually become the Detroit Lions - the greatest football franchise in the history of the game!

Ol' Dutch was All-Pro quarterback four seasons in a row and led the league in scoring in 1935 and 1936.  Legend has it, in 1936, he ate several footballs on a dare during half-time of the Lions / Chicago Bears game and had to have his stomach removed, but he was able to return to the game and run for the winning touchdown!  THAT'S toughness!  THAT'S football!

Bones were his shoulders pads.  Blood was his water bottle.  In the old days, deaths on the field were never recorded as statistics but Dutch lead the team every year.  Everyone was afraid of Dutch Clark.

Yesterday, on that travesty of a Super Bowl™, I heard the announcers talk about that unstoppable Giant defensive line... big fucking deal.  Earl "Dutch" Clark killed on the field and then killed anyone who tried to help the wounded.

That's just the way the game was played back then.

The 1935, Detroit won the NFL championship, beating the New York Giants 26-7.  In that game, Clark had a 40-yard touchdown run even after the opposing team threw knives and rocks at him to try and slow him down.

His final year as a player was 1938... the last decent year in the NFL.  He left the game in 1943 after serving as a coach of the Cleveland Rams.  He just couldn't take it anymore, calling football "a sport only fit for little girls. Players don't even like to bleed anymore."

I hear you, Dutch.  Where are you when we need you most?

I'll talk at you next week...

Lester Aldrich is a freelance columnist for Octogenarian Magazine.  Manka Bros. Studios is not responsible for any action by our freelance writers.  If Mr. Aldrich actually kills someone, that's his problem. Manka Bros. cannot be held accountable.