I Once Ate A Man In Korea...

I once ate a man in Korea.  I'd prefer not to go into details.  The Pentagon told us never to discuss it.  I obey my orders from the Pentagon unlike all these pussy generals that parade onto CNN and talk about how we're not fighting the war right.  Shut the fuck up! - with all due respect.

Anyway, I once ate a man in Korea.  The whole man.  Like the Indians with the buffalo, I used every piece of that unlucky son of a bitch.

It was a freezing spring day in 1952 when the "incident" occurred.  Eighteen inches of snow, frozen roads, sub-zero temperatures.  I saw a man's face shatter like ice when he was shaving with a rusty razor.  Brutal. Goddamned brutal.  So rather than die of starvation and loneliness - I ate that dead Korean. 

All THOSE DAMN KIDS know how to do is fall off their skateboards and onto my lawn.  I'm going to mark the edge of my property with sulfuric acid so the next time Snotty Scotty falls on my grass the skin will fall right off his ass!  That's what that punk deserves and that's what I want to see.

I've heard stories that people from Michigan are cannibals by nature.  I'm not sure if that's true or not.  I haven't eaten anyone since 1952.  Mrs. Aldrich hasn't eaten anyone since 1986 (that's a joke).  It was closer to 1982 (that's also a joke).  As far as I know, she's never eaten one person.  But she's from Iowa.  And I hear people from Iowa are more interested in chicken.

Days like this make me sad.

THOSE DAMN KIDS giggling like gorillas and rolling down my street on their fat bodies will never know what it's like to be really hungry.  I mean REALLY hungry.  So hungry that you'd... well, you know...

The sacrifices I made just so they could go to Arby's...

I'll talk at you next week...

Lester Aldrich is a freelance columnist for Octogenarian Magazine.  Manka Bros. Studios is not responsible for any action by our freelance writers.  If Mr. Aldrich actually kills someone, that's his problem. Manka Bros. cannot be held accountable.