Carl Icahn Has Joined My Monthly Book Club...

Good afternoon.  As you all may know, I have a Book Club once a month and Carl Icahn heard about it and wanted to join.  He seems like a nice enough guy and he had the cash for the buy-in so - okay.  This may have been the biggest mistake I have ever made.  I had never met the man before but everyone else in the group (Dick Parsons, Terry Semel, Sherry Lansing, Alice Cooper and Barry Diller) all seemed to be fairly well acquainted with him.  

Our book this month was Water For Elephants by Sara Gruen.  Because of my broken ankle (the screws come out next week) we held the discussion at my Beverly Hills compound in the main library.  After consulting about the book with Cyrus Weinstein, President of the Manka Bros. Publishing Group, I felt more prepared than ever to discuss it.  He basically said it was a good summer read with decent characters.  So I was ready to give my opinion.

After everyone downed a couple of shots of Slivovitz, we got down to it.  I knew we were in trouble after Carl Icahn pulled out a giant binder of research materials.  Here is my recollection of how it all went down. 

Carl Icahn:  I have an opening statement prepared if you'd--

Barry Diller:  Fuck that, Carl.  I wouldn't let you take over IAC and I'm not letting you take over Book Club.

Carl Icahn:  One way or another, I'm going to take over Book Club.

Dick Parsons:  Hey, guys, come on - this is about Water For Elephants.

Terry Semel:  I have to tell you something.  I fucking cried at this book.  Why wouldn't anyone get any water for those elephants?

Sherry Lansing:  Did you even read the book?

Terry Semel:  I don't need to read the book.  I've been in this business so long that just based on the title, I can tell you everything you need to know about that book all the way down to the color of the elephant.

Alice Cooper:  What color was the elephant?

Terry Semel:  Gray.

Alice Cooper:  He's good. 

Barry Diller:  I can't believe we're already talking about the fucking color of the elephant!  This is bullshit.

Carl Icahn:  The color of the elephant isn't even mentioned in the book.

Terry Semel:  Shut up, Carl.

Carl Icahn:  Yell at me all you want but I'm going to take over Book Club.  This Book Club is an unfocused joke.  Khan, if you can't even run a Book Club meeting - how can you run a large media company?  Now I know why Manka Bros. is in the shitter.

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Now you're insulting me - in my fucking house?!  It was a mistake to invite you.  Please leave.

Carl Icahn:  No.

At this point, I called Body By Jake (who I had hired to carry me from room to room until my ankle healed) to physically remove Carl Icahn from my house.  As Body By Jake approached putting on brass knuckles, Carl Icahn performed some sort of Kung Fu move and began to twitch oddly, screeching at the top of his lungs.  Body By Jake easily knocked him to the ground and started to drag him out of the room.

Carl Icahn:  I didn't want to be your Book Club anyway.  I just came to tell you I'm taking over controlling interest in Manka Bros. and replacing your pathetic Board Directors... asshole!

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Screw off, Icahn!  You don't take over the World's Largest Media Company.  We take over you!

He laughed and was gone.  This was not the way I wanted my Sunday afternoon to go.

Barry Diller:  Can we please discuss the book now?

This was the worst Book Club ever.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios