Half a dozen eggs were thrown at Mrs. Aldrich today...

I had my rifle ready to shoot those little jerks but the Mrs. stepped in front of me, the gun barrel at her throat.

As raw eggs slid from her hair onto my Smith & Wesson, she said, 'Put it away, Lester.  You brought this on yourself, you know.'

'Myself?' I said. 'I'm not the one with a half a dozen Grade A's hanging off of my $8 dollar wash & set.  You better shut up and get in the house, woman!  THOSE DAMN KIDS should have been shot years ago!'

She took the gun out of my hands and walked inside.  I realized at that moment, I married a soft woman.  She wasn't in the war.  She wouldn't know a fox hole from a donut hole.  Every day it's something new.

'Lester, don't watch that show, it raises your blood pressure.'

'Lester, you've already had your cup of coffee.'

'Lester, can you get the door for me?'

'Lester, please pump your own colostomy bag.'

Bitch.

We watch the National Geographic almost every afternoon.  Animals eat the animals that don't keep up.  If you aren't a fast zebra when you cross that river, you get your leg eaten by a crocodile.  Too bad, zippy, I guess you weren't good enough!

The stronger should survive in my neighborhood.  If you don't get your stupid football out of the road by the time I drive by, then kiss your sorry legs goodbye, punk!

I guess you weren't fast enough!

I'll talk at you next week....

Lester Aldrich is a freelance columnist for Octogenarian Magazine.  Manka Bros. Studios is not responsible for any action by our freelance writers.  If Mr. Aldrich actually kills someone, that's his problem. Manka Bros. cannot be held accountable.