Manka Bros. Q2 2008 Results Summer Party

There is a Bulgarian proverb that says:  "If you call one wolf, you invite the pack." 

Manka Bros. reported second-quarter earnings yesterday in the form of a summer party.  I invited the top Wall Street entertainment analysts that cover our company to my house for an informal discussion.  I sent the Manka Bros. jet (the Joey 1) to pick them up.  It sounded like such a great plan.

I am told they all started to drink heavily on the plane.  What happened next will probably go down as the worst few hours in the history of our company (the stock price, I believe, is reflecting that today).  I have yet to decide who (or how many) will be fired.

I knew we were in trouble when the first town car arrived and Jessica Reif Cohen (Merrill Lynch) fell out of the car giggling like a chicken.  Car after car arrived full of some of the most influential people on Wall Street.  All drunk.

A meet and greet area was set up on The Great South Lawn of my house so that I could make a few opening remarks.  I arranged for Terry Semel to introduce me.  He knew the Wall Street game inside and out and always seemed to know exactly what to say to a crowd like this (I thought).  After everyone got a refill (I believe I heard Spencer Wang of Credit Suisse say"Where's my fucking drink!?"), Terry stepped up to the podium and began.

Terry Semel:  "As we enter the 20th century, my friend Khan Manka is poised for that future.  I don't know how he makes money.  Most of the stuff I've seen from his studio has been shit.  It boggles my mind.  Ladies and gentlemen, Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman and CEO of Manka Bros. Studios."

He walked toward the bar and left me to the wolves.  I will not forget that... ever.  I made my remarks.

Khan Manka, Jr.:  "Manka Bros. Studios is the world's largest media company.  That is undisputed.  As you can see from the chart we have placed on your tables, based on size, we are, indeed, the largest.  Even with a challenging second quarter - which I'll get to in a moment - we are still projecting double-digit growth in--

At this point, Benjamin Swinburne of Morgan Stanley interrupted:

Benjamin Swinburne:  I'm projecting double-digit growth, too... in my pants!

This got a big laugh and high fives all around.  That pretty much put an end to my opening remarks.  It all just fell into drunken chaos after that. 

Meredith Whitney (a top banking analyst from Oppenheimer), who personally has the power to freeze Manka Bros.' lines of credit and bring down once untouchable banks, pretty much ended all financial discussions for the day.

Meredith Whitney:  Khan, we know your numbers better than you know your numbers.  They're fucked!  I just have one question for you...

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Yes?

Meredith Whitney:  Pull my finger.

She then doubled over in hysterics and threw up on my world's largest media chart.  Throwing up on my stuff seemed to be the overriding theme of the day. 

Here are a choice few lowlights:

• Glenn Vogelman of Goldman Sachs climbed one of my backyard trees and refused to come down until we all called him "Our Lord and Master"

• Jeffrey Logsdon of BMO Capital tried to spell his name on a white carpet in my master bathroom as though it were snow
  

• Ian Sigalow of Greycroft Partners punched a hole in my Picasso Femme Aux Bras Croises because "that's couch cushion money for me, bitch!"

On top of everything else, my Beverly Hills compound has been wrecked.  I have 15 bathrooms in my house and 14 of the toilets are backed up (thank you, Henry Blodget!)

I could go on and on...

At some point, I told my senior executives to fight back.  We have worked too hard building this company to have these snide little pricks and prickesses make some little comment in their quarterly report that sends our stock plunging.  It's kill or be killed!

There was screaming, fighting, biting, stabbing... everything you wouldn't expect from a second-quarter earnings report.  

I fear telling my executives to fight back was a strategic mistake.  This morning, every major brokerage house has a "sell" rating on our stock (MBX:  NYSE).  Oh, well, I knew this was coming.  At least I was able to sell a giant block of shares before we announced earnings.

So, it's morning at Manka Bros.  We must move forward.  We have a new day ahead of us and much work to do.  We have the world's best movies and television shows to produce.  So get to work.  We won't be having a third-quarter earnings party. 

As yesterday was wrapping up, Vijay Jayant of Lehman Brothers asked me if we could give him any guidance going forward.  I said - "Here's your guidance.  Drop the bottle of Dom Perignon and get off my fucking property!"

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. - I'm going to need the Manka Bros. Strategic Planning Group to come clean up this mess.