Reel Suite: August 13, 2008

Salutations, Blog-heads.  First off, after I received a summons informing me I was being sued by "Space Chimps" director Kirk DeMicco for defamation of character, the legal department here at Manka Bros. advised me to address the misstatements I made in last week's entry.  Upon further investigation, I have discovered that my old girlfriend Tangie actually left me for a guy named Kirk DeMucci, a stage manager for the 1998 production of "Camelot" at the La Mirada Civic Light Opera.  She's now a lesbian living in Prague.  Kirk DeMicco is unmarried and there is every indication that "Space Chimps" is his own, original intellectual property.  My apologies go out to him, his family and the creative team behind the film.  Tomoko and I have dropped our plagiarism lawsuit.
 
Receiving a summons from a process server got me thinking about my own mortality.  What's the meaning of life?  Why are we here?  Why wasn't "ER's" final season six seasons ago?  And when I read about all the untimely celebrity deaths last week, I got very contemplative.  After industry legend Bernie Brillstein passed, then Bernie Mac died of pneumonia, the questions that came to my mind were, "Who's killing all the Bernies?" and "Are other celebrities named Bernie scared out of their minds?" 

So Monday morning I got on the horn and contacted every famous person named Bernie I could find (fortunately, I have access to Manka's database of private celebrity phone numbers).  And just this morning, I had a round table discussion with "The Love Boat's" Bernie Kopell, Grammy Award-winning lyricist Bernie Taupin, and former Yankee center-fielder Bernie Williams.  We met at the Hillcrest Country Club, and the following is a transcript of our discussion: 

KURT BARNET:  Thank you all for meeting me here on such short notice.  I'm sure there are lots of other things you could be doing.
 
BERNIE KOPELL:  Not really
 
BERNIE TAUPIN:  Me neither.
 
BERNIE WILLIAMS:  Not a whole lot going on with me.
 
KB:  So, it's been a rough week for Bernies.
 
BK:  I'll say.
 
KB:  When you see two prominent Bernies die within days of each other, what goes through a Bernie's mind?
 
BK:  Well, utter fear and abject terror.  I'm no spring chicken!  By the way, spring chickens don't have much of a life expectancy, what with all the nuggets kids eat these days.  My grandkids have got nuggets comin' out of their asses!  But, yeah, I was trembling with fear.  I could be the next to go...
 

BT:  I awoke in the morning with ambivalence, riddled with trepidation, like a bird who'd lost its way.  There's a path we travel called innocence, scarred by hesitation, like a word we cannot say...
 
KB:  Which means...
 
BT:  Someone saved my life tonight.

KB:  Who?

BT:  Sugar bear.

KB:  What about you, Bernie?
 
BW:  I was at a Baseball Card Convention in Tulsa when I heard Bernie Brillstein died.  My immediate thought was, "The guy who executive produced the Garry Shandling movie, 'What Planet Are You From?' is dead?  Man, I loved that movie!  I hit 30 home runs the year it came out."  So his death hit me hard.

BK:  I'll tell ya, after I heard about Bernie Mac, I got right on the phone and called my dear friend, Bernie Casey.  Poor guy was hiding in his poolhouse, half out of his wits.
 
KB:  I heard Isaac Hayes' nickname was Bernie.
 
BK:  Oooo... spooky...
 
BW:  I ran into Bernie from "Biggest Loser 5" at the airport.  He's put a lot of the weight back on.  I think he's the next to go.
 
BT:  Get this, I e-mailed Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, whom I had met at a fundraiser last year, telling him to watch his back, that the grim reaper was on his tail.  Later in the day, the FBI showed up at my ranch.  Talk about seeing your life flash before your eyes.
 
BK:  (affecting German accent)  Ze Nazis showed up on dein porch?!  Du stumm songschreiber!!

KB:  But it's times like these that give you pause, you know, make you ponder.  Will you guys now be changing the way you approach your lives?

BW:  Well, I'm gonna go out there every day and give it 200%.  You drop the ball, don't worry, your friends will pick you up.  Life is 50% mental, and 50% physical, and 50% mental.  Just gotta step up to the plate.

BT:  I think I'll stop riding my horses, because it's only a matter of time before one of them Christopher Reeves me.  I think lyric-writing is giving me bone cancer, so perhaps I'll stop that as well.  All that really remains is to divorce and marry again.  It's what keeps me vital.
 
BK:  Well, I should probably stop playing so much racketball with Gavin McLeod.  That son-of-a-bitch cheats anyway.  Cut back on the corned beef.  No more guest starring on those fucking Zack and Cody shows, damnit.  (saluting, smiling)  That's what the ship's doctor orders!
 
KB:  Aye, aye, doc!  (we all laugh)  Thank you so much for meeting me today, guys.
 
BW:  Hey, Kurt.  What movie studio you work for again?
 
KB:  Manka Brothers.
 
BW:  Oh.  What movies you guys put out?
 
KB:  You see Spinners?
 
BW:  Uh-uh.
 
KB:  How about the Magpies movies?
 
BW:  Nope.
 
KB:  You need to get out more.
 
BW:  Can you get me that Garry Shandling movie on DVD?
 
KB:  I don't think so.  Thanks Bernies!