Reel Suite: August 20, 2008

Huzzah, my wild blogs.  This week, it has been relegated to me to report to you some disturbing news:  A legal settlement agreement has just been reached between Manka Bros. Studios and TV writers age 40 and older in the age discrimination class action lawsuit filed in 2000 by the writers.  As the kids say these days, this news is hot off the presses.
 
The amount the defendants agreed to compensate old-timey writers: $4.5 million!  To hacks who used to write for Mannix and Carter Country!  According to the consent decree filed today, the settlement talks began in November 2007 after both parties reviewed and evaluated demographic data including television writer employment by age, earnings, and studio representation during the liability period.  And get this:  Manka Bros. must now provide training on a biannual basis to recognize and prevent age discrimination to all its personnel involved in screening potential TV writer clients.  We even have to take attendance at each training session!  Like traffic school!
 
The settled case, Edwards, et al v. Manka Bros. Studios, Inc. alleged that the more than 150 named plaintiffs and others like them - television writers who were aged 40 and older after October 22, 1996 - were victims of systematic age discrimination by Manka Bros. TV executives, who allegedly passed around blacklists, or "geezer meters", featuring the names of 63 writers whose "fucking endless stories about the good old days of TV would bring us the fuck down, so don't fucking hire them!"  The existence of this document clearly damaged our case.  Didn't shredders exist in the late 90s?
 
Everyone I've spoken with here at the studio is hopping mad about the settlement.  Most say we should have gone to trial and "mopped the floors with these typewriter-using, Metamucil-taking, bald-but-with-mullet headed bastards."  Now they need to represent 25% of our writing staffs!  Most feel that this will bring the quality of our primetime programming way down, and cause our viewer demographics to shift to the less-than-desirable 55+ age bracket.
 
Conor Teegan, age 24, staff writer on the upcoming MBS medical examiner drama, Severed Fingers, went on record as saying, "Old dudes can't write for our show.  They don't know dick about the latest in forensic technology.  They'd never be able to capture the essence of the blossoming love relationship between Dr. Patience Gordon and Vander Quince.  Would they use the word 'Yo' in their dialogue?  Or have one of the characters say, 'I'm down with that"?  No.  They'd write shit that Stephanie Powers might say.  Or Susan Saint James.  We'd be laughed off Sunday nights at 10!"
 
I spoke briefly with Scott Finkleberg, age 33, Executive Producer for MBS' sitcom Five Kids, Five Dads & One Mom, who had this to say:  "Writers over 40 just don't know funny.  They've lived too much life.  All the ones I've encountered are bitter pricks.  Our show needs writers who can make husbands funny, make kids funny, make dogs funny.  Old people don't remember those things.  Only young, white, Jewish males are truly tapped in to that sensibility."
 
A Key Grip on the reality show, Forensics, said this on the condition of anonymity:  "We've got nothing but hot babes running around our set.  We are constantly having sex with hot babes.  If old guys are gonna be hangin' around, we might all get less tail.  I see a significant decrease in chick banging."
 
Well, bottom line is, when it comes right down to the end of the day, we could be entering dark times for young, enthusiastic, fresh-from-cinema-school sparkplugs who, for my money, make this industry what it is.  Young writers write words that young viewers want to hear.  And that's music to the sponsors' ears.  Ask any one of them:  All young people really want to do these days is watch broadcast TV!  If I am asked to attend one of these "training sessions", I will boycott it.  I swear to Christ.  I'll call in sick, or lock myself in the Senior Exec washroom, or chain myself to Tomoko's desk.  I shall overcome.
 
ABC, CBS, Disney, Fox, NBC Universal, Sony, and Warner Bros. face pending class action suits.  I say, Fight on, you noble, ageist sons-of-bitches!

Kurt Barnet