Zucker / Chernin Lobster Dinner - Part 2: Old Media Vs. New Media

As I wrote in my previous post, I was expecting a very nice evening with good food, good drink and non-confrontational conversation with my good friends Jeff Zucker of NBC Universal and Peter Chernin of News Corp / Fox - but it didn't work out that way.

After we sat down to my Louis XIV dining table in the dining room I call Valhalla, Zucker pulled out his iPhone, hit a few buttons and showed us the screen:  "Check this fucking out.  That's live Olympic coverage from Beijing.  That's kayaking on my phone, losers!  We have over 180,000 hours of sports programming which can be played on over 50,000 devices.  These events can be seen by over 8 billion people and there are only 7 billion people on the planet." 

"How is that possible?," I said. 

"People have multiple devices, idiot, and that's the future.  You watch basketball on your television, swimming on your phone, ping pong on your xBox, Greco-Roman wrestling on your computer - all at the same time with multiple advertisers on each device.  I see a world where we're not making a $1 billion dollars for the entire Olympics, we're making a $1 billion dollars a minute - per device - per sport.  You guys... shit... you guys see a world where kids play with a Red Dot and go to see Space Chimps."

Chernin started to cry again.  "No, they DON'T go to see Space Chimps!"  The failure of Space Chimps really put him over the edge. 

Zucker banged his iPhone on the table, muttering to himself.  I told him if he was having trouble with the signal and wanted to watch something I could turn on the TV.  He told me to fuck off. 

I then mentioned that Manka Bros. had solved the issue between Old Media and New Media over a year ago and we were back making movies and television shows like the old days.  I continued:  "With 'New Media', this is the first time in the history of new technologies that the quality is worse than it was with the old technologies.  The CD improved the LP.  The DVD improved the video tape.  Streaming video online is shit compared to an 80 inch high-definition television - but we're all falling over each other to put our high quality shows in a low quality shitty format."

Zucker cut me off:  "You're a moron, Khan.  This is why Manka Bros. is the dinosaur of the business.  Sure, you're the world's largest media company - but who gives a shit if you're not looking to the future."

"I'll show you the future, Zucker."  My housekeeper and cook, Ismaralda, came out with the first dinner course.  "Ismaralda and her family are the future - not your kids in their prep schools watching skateboard videos on their $600 phones.  She makes $7,000 dollars a year working 18 hours a day for me - plus I sometimes give her bus fare home on late nights when her cousin can't pick her up.  Ask her about your plans for New Media."

Jeff Zucker didn't hesitate.  "Have a seat, Esmarelda.  Let's say you're watching a rebroadcast of Knight Rider on your iPhone and you get a TiVo alert that Deal or No Deal is about to begin..."

Ismaralda interrupted him:  "I don't have a iPhone--"

Jeff Zucker:  "Who gives a shit?  Any device will do.  My point is that you have options.  In the future, you can watch anything you want, anytime you want."

Ismaralda:  "I can barely afford food."

Jeff Zucker:  "OK, fuck this.  I'm out, Khan."  With that, Jeff Zucker got up and left my house. 

Peter Chernin started eating in silence.  As Ismaralda started back to the kitchen she said to Peter:  "Did I hear you made Space Chimps?  "Yes, my studio made Space Chimps."  

"I loved that movie!  So did my whole family."

Peter smiled.  Another victory for Old Media.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios