Reel Suite: February 25, 2009

Oscar Sunday.  6 am.  I am awakened by the TV and what sounds like a woodpecker.  In the kitchen, I discover Kunio (Kato) making sushi rolls while watching "Footloose" on Encore.  He asks me if I want a Sushi roll.  I decline, saying I've never had sushi before.  He appears hurt and offended.  I politely eat sushi roll.  Feel queasy and lightheaded for entire day.
 
8 am.  Kunio insists I take him to Swap Meet.  The only one I can find open on a Sunday is in Santa Fe Springs.  He purchases 3 desklamps, tortoise paperweight, laserdisc player and Scott Baio t-shirt.  It takes us 2 and a half hours to get out of parking lot.
 
1 pm.  Tux shop to pick up Kunio's tux.  All they have left is powder blue with ruffle collar shirt.  Kunio falls to his knees and weeps.  I make frantic call to Tomoko who works in my office.  Her brother plays weddings, has black tux and is Kunio's size.  When we go to pick it up, Kunio kisses Tomoko full on the lips.  She doesn't stop him.  They make out for several minutes.
 
3 pm.  Luxury towncar scheduled to arrive to take us to Kodak Theatre.  Shuttle van arrives, containing two other short-film nominees, Steven Okazaki and Konstantin Bronzit.  Driver tells us we need to stop and get Emud Mokhberi and Thierry Marchand.  They and their guests cause overcrowding in van.  Kunio and I are forced to share seatbelt.
 
4:30 pm.  Kodak Theatre.  The van is stopped 1/4 of mile from venue, security tells us we must walk rest of way and use side entrance.  Despite Kunio's guest ticket for me, security does not let me pass, saying I look like gate crasher from last year who is on watchlist.  I spend 45 minutes in cramped supply closet being questioned alongside a sweaty A.R. Rahman.
 
5:15 pm.  After my ID is verified, I am dragged from closet and quickly escorted down backstage hallway.  See Jack Black hitting on redheaded trophy presenter.  Spot Hugh Jackman looking into mirror repeating, "Red leather, yellow leather".  Get dirty looks from Price Waterhouse goons.  Am told by P.A. that seat next to Kunio has been given to Head Seat Filler.  Am relegated to rear balcony.  10 minutes into show, either sushi roll or opening number wreak havoc on my digestive system.  Spend rest of show in upper bathroom.
 
6:51 pm.  Bathroom.  4 young "Slumdog Millionaire" cast members barricade weaker cast member in stall next to mine to prevent him from meeting Will Smith.  Moments later, he crawls out.
 
7:23 pm.  Bathroom.  Overhear Harvey Weinstein talking to assistant about how much he'd like to bone Kate Ledger.
 
7:46 pm.  Bathroom.  Person whom I identify as Cleve Jones takes wide stance in stall next to mine.  There is tapping.
 
8:15 pm.  I emerge from bathroom to discover that Kunio won Oscar for Best Animated Short.  Get so excited, have to return to bathroom.
 
Next Reel Suite Entry:  Kunio and the after-parties!