Colombiana [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo On Kino, Colombiana, Olivier Megaton, Luc Besson, Robert Mark Kamen, Zoe Saldana, Amandla Stenberg, Michael Vartan, Cliff Curtis, Callum Blue, Jordi Molla, Max Martini, Lennie James, Graham McTavish, Monica Acosta, Beau Brasseaux, Jesse Borrego, Cynthia Addai-Robinson, Affif Ben Badra, Billy Slaughter, Sam Douglas, Andrea Helene, Anita Nicole Brown, Jim Nieciecki, Ofelia Medina, Michael Showers, Jay Amor, Doug Rao, Kylie Creppel, Elton LeBlanc, Haylie Creppel, Michael Kuster, Emily D. Haley, John C. Klein, Lauren Thomas, Nikea Gamby-Turner, Julian Sedgwick, Cedric Burton, Alan D. Purwin, Beto Benites, Charles Maquignon, Mylene Pilutik, David Clark, Edward J. Clare, Richard Zeringue, Grace LaRocca, Wes Cannon, Angel Gamica, Larraine Morales, Ricky Vo, Stephane Lagoutte, David Anthony Jackson, Benoit Lavelatte, Scheryl W. Brown, Gene Bryant, Nelson Carvajal, Geraldine Glenn, Yohanni Liman, Allen Panakal, David Lee Valle, Robert A. Young, Luc Besson, Mariano Carranco, Alex Corven Caronia, Olivier Glaas, Pierre-Ange Le Pogam, Sandrine Molto, Gareth Upton, Ariel Zeitoun, Nathaniel Mechaly, Romain Lacourbas, Camille Delamarre, John Papsidera, Patrick Durand, Stacy Kelly, Matthieu Bled, Carrie Bush, Matt Corrado, Colin Bach, Alexandra Capps, Gus Coto, Chad Harris, Damien Abry, J.T. Mueller, Thomas Tymen, Chad Rose, Michael Ortiz, Dave Wightman, Dylan Jury, Barbara Babb, Gregory Brecher, Eric Bassoff, Erin Booth, Brittney Diez, Claire Dumaze, Mike Eisenberg, Giuseppe Ferlito, Nathan Grigsby, Jonathan Gray, Katrina Meier, Steven James Price, Ken Speed, Derrick Bentley Wells, Nicole Williams“Colombiana”

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

1992.

Colombia (cocaine, not District of).

The little nine-year Cataleya witnessed the murder of her parents.  She manages to escape the slaughter with difficulty and takes refuge in the United States with Emilio, her mobster uncle.

(My mobster uncle was Jarkko – he drowned in a Norwegian fjord smuggling high proof liquor.  No movies for Jarkko.  Why Norway, Jarkko, why?)

Fifteen years later, she is working for him as a hit-person.  Your business card, an orchid drawn on the chest of their victims is a message to the murderers of their parents, because Cataleya’s determination to take her revenge to its logical conclusion.

Even if it means sacrificing everything she loves.

Exactly like James Caan in “Thief”.  But with a worse soundtrack (Tangerine Dream FTW!)

Written and produced by Luc Besson, Colombiana” is one of those crappy ass movies that proves the French film a commercial for American coinage.

Or “The Birdcage” – but much less gay.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo On Kino, Colombiana, Olivier Megaton, Luc Besson, Robert Mark Kamen, Zoe Saldana, Amandla Stenberg, Michael Vartan, Cliff Curtis, Callum Blue, Jordi Molla, Max Martini, Lennie James, Graham McTavish, Monica Acosta, Beau Brasseaux, Jesse Borrego, Cynthia Addai-Robinson, Affif Ben Badra, Billy Slaughter, Sam Douglas, Andrea Helene, Anita Nicole Brown, Jim Nieciecki, Ofelia Medina, Michael Showers, Jay Amor, Doug Rao, Kylie Creppel, Elton LeBlanc, Haylie Creppel, Michael Kuster, Emily D. Haley, John C. Klein, Lauren Thomas, Nikea Gamby-Turner, Julian Sedgwick, Cedric Burton, Alan D. Purwin, Beto Benites, Charles Maquignon, Mylene Pilutik, David Clark, Edward J. Clare, Richard Zeringue, Grace LaRocca, Wes Cannon, Angel Gamica, Larraine Morales, Ricky Vo, Stephane Lagoutte, David Anthony Jackson, Benoit Lavelatte, Scheryl W. Brown, Gene Bryant, Nelson Carvajal, Geraldine Glenn, Yohanni Liman, Allen Panakal, David Lee Valle, Robert A. Young, Luc Besson, Mariano Carranco, Alex Corven Caronia, Olivier Glaas, Pierre-Ange Le Pogam, Sandrine Molto, Gareth Upton, Ariel Zeitoun, Nathaniel Mechaly, Romain Lacourbas, Camille Delamarre, John Papsidera, Patrick Durand, Stacy Kelly, Matthieu Bled, Carrie Bush, Matt Corrado, Colin Bach, Alexandra Capps, Gus Coto, Chad Harris, Damien Abry, J.T. Mueller, Thomas Tymen, Chad Rose, Michael Ortiz, Dave Wightman, Dylan Jury, Barbara Babb, Gregory Brecher, Eric Bassoff, Erin Booth, Brittney Diez, Claire Dumaze, Mike Eisenberg, Giuseppe Ferlito, Nathan Grigsby, Jonathan Gray, Katrina Meier, Steven James Price, Ken Speed, Derrick Bentley Wells, Nicole WilliamsWith an international cast, led by Zoe Saldana, Jordi Moll and Cliff Curtis, “Colombiana” has a technical bill as carefully as the rest of the production of Besson.

I stand by that statement.

The plot is predictable and tend to be known by all who read bestsellers or industrial enjoy thrillers which today are content to nurture the multiplex.

Zoe Saldana portrays Cataleya Restrepo, a girl so beautiful and smart (but no longer blue… I see you!  “Avatar”, you lump heads… ), whose fortunes changed from a tragedy: her parents were murdered in Bogotá by order of a vicious drug dealer.  Well mannered drug dealers are not so bad from what I hear.

Since then, Cataleya has learned to handle all types of weapons with two very different purposes.

On the one hand, shines the minions who work in the service of her uncle Emilio (Cliff Curtis).

For another, she spends her free time to settle criminals hoping to find the one that killed their parents, like we all would do, but less pretty.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo On Kino, Colombiana, Olivier Megaton, Luc Besson, Robert Mark Kamen, Zoe Saldana, Amandla Stenberg, Michael Vartan, Cliff Curtis, Callum Blue, Jordi Molla, Max Martini, Lennie James, Graham McTavish, Monica Acosta, Beau Brasseaux, Jesse Borrego, Cynthia Addai-Robinson, Affif Ben Badra, Billy Slaughter, Sam Douglas, Andrea Helene, Anita Nicole Brown, Jim Nieciecki, Ofelia Medina, Michael Showers, Jay Amor, Doug Rao, Kylie Creppel, Elton LeBlanc, Haylie Creppel, Michael Kuster, Emily D. Haley, John C. Klein, Lauren Thomas, Nikea Gamby-Turner, Julian Sedgwick, Cedric Burton, Alan D. Purwin, Beto Benites, Charles Maquignon, Mylene Pilutik, David Clark, Edward J. Clare, Richard Zeringue, Grace LaRocca, Wes Cannon, Angel Gamica, Larraine Morales, Ricky Vo, Stephane Lagoutte, David Anthony Jackson, Benoit Lavelatte, Scheryl W. Brown, Gene Bryant, Nelson Carvajal, Geraldine Glenn, Yohanni Liman, Allen Panakal, David Lee Valle, Robert A. Young, Luc Besson, Mariano Carranco, Alex Corven Caronia, Olivier Glaas, Pierre-Ange Le Pogam, Sandrine Molto, Gareth Upton, Ariel Zeitoun, Nathaniel Mechaly, Romain Lacourbas, Camille Delamarre, John Papsidera, Patrick Durand, Stacy Kelly, Matthieu Bled, Carrie Bush, Matt Corrado, Colin Bach, Alexandra Capps, Gus Coto, Chad Harris, Damien Abry, J.T. Mueller, Thomas Tymen, Chad Rose, Michael Ortiz, Dave Wightman, Dylan Jury, Barbara Babb, Gregory Brecher, Eric Bassoff, Erin Booth, Brittney Diez, Claire Dumaze, Mike Eisenberg, Giuseppe Ferlito, Nathan Grigsby, Jonathan Gray, Katrina Meier, Steven James Price, Ken Speed, Derrick Bentley Wells, Nicole WilliamsIn short, we have here yet another version of vigilante cool, capable of sacrificing one’s neighbor without entirely losing morality.

Otherwise, there is some relationship between this heroin and other Cataleya invented years ago by Besson: Nikita!

As usual in such films, the atmosphere is a key element.  Since the filming took place between Paris, Chicago,Miami,New Orleans and Mexico City, is not surprising that the most characteristic of each of these urban environments come to light in the display.

Of the cities.  For our eyeballs.

The director, Olivier Megaton, Olivier Fontana is really called, is part of the Team Besson since he directed “Transporter 3″ (poop pile).

For more signs, was also the second unit director of “Hitman” (poop pile), which gives us the key to his specialty: persecutions, parkour (French people climbing walls like tweekers), shootings and, ultimately, all these more or less frenetic sequences that characterize the genre that we occupies.

Summary:  Zoe Saldana is a fox.

“Columbiana”, though made by people who make poop piles, is not a poop pile.  WHAT?!

One thumb has a stiffie, the other is neutral, like Switzerland without the snobbery.

Netflix for sure.

Save your money for Apollo 18.  At the trailer, I made my own poop pile… a poop pile for good!

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Reese Witherspoon, Water For Elephants, Robert Pattinson, Christoph Waltz, Paul Schneider, Jim Norton, Hal Holbrook, Mark Povinelli, Richard Brake, Stephen Monroe Taylor, Ken Foree, Scott MacDonald, James Frain, Sam Anderson, John Aylward, Brad Greenquist, Tim Guinee, Donna W. Scott, E.E. Bell, Kyle Jordan, Aleksandra Kaniak, Ilia Volok, Bruce Gray, Jim Jansen, James Keane, Ivo Nandi, Karynn Moore, Andrew Connolly, Doug McDougal, Tracy Phillips Rowan O'Hara, Water for Elephants, Tai, Uggie, Ice, Sita Acevedo, Danny Castle, Michael Coronas, Aloysia Gavre, Francis Lawrence, Andrew R. Tennenbaum, Erwin Stoff, Gil Netter, Kevin Halloran, Alan Edward Bell, Ana Maria Quintana, Chad Holmes, David Crank, Denise Chamian, Molly Allen, Sasha Veneziano, Kimmo MustonenenKimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S.  September 20th brings us new Glee.  Lindsay, don’t let me down.

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Comments

  1. Sully D on August 26, 2011 at 11:16 pm said:

    Yeah – no didn’t work for me. Dumb.

  2. Heavy G on August 27, 2011 at 5:36 pm said:

    Sully – exqueeze me?
    Review or movie?

  3. Sully D on August 27, 2011 at 8:36 pm said:

    Movie. The review was fine but I don’t know why that idiot liked it so much. It was awful.

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