“The Immortals”

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“The Immortals” is crap.

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.

That is my review.

But the editor says I must write more words than “crap.”

O.K. – it is also turd sandwich in… 3D!

Story?

We have in a long time ago, the Greek gods defeated the Titans.  They locked the creatures in a prison deep in a mountain.

In a later era wants King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke – creepy!) encounter the gods from their thrones – and to release the Titans.

Necessary to the Epirus-bow (huh?) he wants to help with the visions of the Oracle (see Freida Pinto.  I saw her.  A tent was pitched.).

On his expedition he also lays the village of slave Theseus (Henry Cavill) to rubble, killing his mother.  We will find you do NOT kill the slave baby momma.

Obsessed with revenge wants, Theseus’s death to place on Hyperion.  Help comes not only from the Oracle and some warriors (including Stephen Dorff – really), but by god Zeus (Luke Evans), who has for years stood by him in the guise of an old man (John Hurt).

Totally makes sense.

Now, however, Zeus has forbidden the other gods on Olympus to interfere in the war of the people.  They should do it alone, led by Theseus.  This is misleading in intent.

Never effin’ happened!

Why not now make the Nativity movie with the Amish and showgirls and talking goats?  I would see that movie.

Instead of Amish, showgirls, and the goats we get “The Immortals”.

There is so much to love about the movie – the costumes by Eiko Ishioka, the excessive violence, the über-hot Freida Pinto.

And that is all.  So not so much.

But it all comes together never close to completely correct, it remains as a spectator weird creep whereby lengths and accepts it all with a shrug.

To get to the point: If you liked the slightly less shit-storm (equally stylized) “300”, this was cooked for you. 

You are so bold as to be cool.  In your tiny mind.

It is self-explanatory, that this world never looks realistic.

It begins with these goddamn cliffs.

Almost every village, every temple seems built on a cliff.  This looks even nice, but again and again – is monotone.

There is also the practical question: Is it really safe to go to the temple from the house, on a footpath, which is three feet wide, has no railings and where, at the slightest misstep, hundreds of yards into the ocean you splat?!?

Just think of children playing.  Drunks.  Old people.  Drunk old children.  Epileptics.

That question should be immediately banned from the head – there are no epileptics in “The Immortals”.  Like so many others movies.

The shit continues – about how useful it is for the army of evil, to bear such huge helmets, they can’t wipe the ass-crack, let alone fight (and wiping is not as hard as fighting – unless there is much cheese ingestion).

Or why the Greeks the Oracle stupidly deflower (although deflowering Freida Pinto is never stupid, as long as we see her naked).

These and many other discrepancies plaguing the film.

They didn’t even release the Kraken (I yell this during bowel movements)!

I could write more of a response, but I’m too with depression.

Would it, in a better universe, then had “The Immortals”, the makings of a truly great film?

Only good (other than previously talked Freida Pinto – Ass of a Goddess!  This would be better movie, too) Mickey Rourke enjoys evil-being, even if he was mumbling and muttering and one does hardly understands.

But ultimately crap – this one goes in the mouth, is chewed, relies on the 3D glasses, swallowed, admired the vision of director, digested, you buy ticket, and the film is shat onto the screen.

Did I mention it was crap?

Kimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S.  Ryan Murphy, I don’t need you!  Lindsay Pearce is Snow White in “A Snow White Christmas” at the El Portal in North Hollywood,CA.  Kyrle, get me a ticket!  I will follow her home (NOT!  Being serious!  I want no crimes committed.).  I will just beg for her love at the stage door.  Keep open for updates!

P.P.S.  Joe Paterno, if you hear little children are being diddled you go to the police when the diddling is told.  Good job, JoePa!  Fucking asshole.