The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, David Fincher, Steven Zaillian, Stieg Larsson, Daniel Craig, Rooney Mara, Christopher Plummer, Stellan Skarsgard, Steven Berkoff, Robin Wright, Yorick Van Wageningen, Joely Richardson, Geraldine James, Goran Visnjic, Donald Sumpter, Ulf Friberg, Bengt C.W. Carlsson, Tony Way, Per Myrberg, Josefin Asplund, Eva Fritjofson, Moa Garpendal, Maya Hansson-Berggvist, Sarah Appelberg, Julian Sands, Anna Bjork, Gustaf Hammarstein, Simon Reithner, David Dencik, Marcus Johansson, Mathilda Von Essen, Mathias Palmer, Martin Jarvis, Inga Landgre, Reza Dehban, Anders Berg, Mats Andersson, Anders Jansson, Jurgen Klein, Kalle Josephson, Sandra Andreis, Arly Jover, Pierre Sjo Ostergren, Tess Panzer, Alastair Duncan, Alan Dale, Julia Rose, Peter Carlberg, Jan Abramson, Lena Stromdahl, Matthew Wolf, Anne-Li Norberg, Leo Bill, Albrecht Marco, Martina Lotun, Anna Carlson, Yvonne Astrand, Fredrik Dolk, Christian Heller, Werner Biermeier, Christine Adams, Peter Hottinger, Joyce Giraud, Bengt Wallgren, Elodie Yung, Anna Charlotta Gunnarson, Andreas Bjorklund, Embeth Davidtz, Joel Kinnaman, Karen E. Wright, Leah Harshaw, George Gerdes, Cean Chaffin, Anni Faurbye Fernandez, Malte Forssell, Ryan Kavanaugh, Berna Levin, Scott Rudin, Soren Staermose, Ole Sondberg, Mikael Wallen, Steven Zaillian, Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross, Jeff Cronenweth, Kirk Baxter, Angus Wall, Laray Mayfield, Donald Graham Burt, Frida Arvidsson, K.C. Fox, Lara Baldwin, Christos Dervenis, Eirik Ohna, Daniel Stillman, Florian Engelhardt, Allen Kupetsky, Bob Wagner, Pete Waterman, Maileen Williams, Holiday Landa, Thom Brennan, Alyson Dee Moore, Richard Quinn, JOhn Roesch, Toddy Bryant, Jeff Chumas, Ben Cooke, Jacob Dewitt, Per Dunder, Patty Majorczak-Connolly, Mark Sussman, Jola Wieczorek, Paul Alderman, Tyler Nelson, Alex Olivares, Kimberly Aguirre, Garrett Basch, Ulf Bjorlin, Bettina Browne, Veronika Eriksson, Desirae Ferrer, Astrid Hammarsten, Elinor Isenberg, Caroline Johansson, Suzanne Lehfeldt, Gareth Lewis, Larry Madrid, Andrea McKee, Kyle McGatlin, Catherine Pittman, Susanna Same, Candice Taylor, Rasmus WassbergThe Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Sweden.

Bastards.

While us, the Finns, fought Soviet Russia the Swedes ate butter, fish, and those damn crap meatballs.

In same war (World War II, retards) we fight and fight.

Sweden?

Neutral (sissy Nazi lovers – take that, Swedes!).

Finns are awesomeness.

Swedes?

They had not one ball between them.

Then I see those Swede bastards again.

Swedish Bikini Team (hot).  SAAB (cool).  Malin Akerman (schwing!).  Swedes aren’t so bad as people as my mind said.

They also gave us “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.”  And it was greater than good.

For a film

Then, excited tail wagging puppy-like excitement sprouts from David Fincher.  “Give me this movie!” he may have said out loud.  And since excitement of so throbbing Swedish version is from Stone Age 2009 – of course Hollywood said “fuck yeah!  2009 is so 2009!”

Now we have “The Same Girl With A Dragon Tattoo Who Now Speaks English.”  With accent that has previously been unheard by humans.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, David Fincher, Steven Zaillian, Stieg Larsson, Daniel Craig, Rooney Mara, Christopher Plummer, Stellan Skarsgard, Steven Berkoff, Robin Wright, Yorick Van Wageningen, Joely Richardson, Geraldine James, Goran Visnjic, Donald Sumpter, Ulf Friberg, Bengt C.W. Carlsson, Tony Way, Per Myrberg, Josefin Asplund, Eva Fritjofson, Moa Garpendal, Maya Hansson-Berggvist, Sarah Appelberg, Julian Sands, Anna Bjork, Gustaf Hammarstein, Simon Reithner, David Dencik, Marcus Johansson, Mathilda Von Essen, Mathias Palmer, Martin Jarvis, Inga Landgre, Reza Dehban, Anders Berg, Mats Andersson, Anders Jansson, Jurgen Klein, Kalle Josephson, Sandra Andreis, Arly Jover, Pierre Sjo Ostergren, Tess Panzer, Alastair Duncan, Alan Dale, Julia Rose, Peter Carlberg, Jan Abramson, Lena Stromdahl, Matthew Wolf, Anne-Li Norberg, Leo Bill, Albrecht Marco, Martina Lotun, Anna Carlson, Yvonne Astrand, Fredrik Dolk, Christian Heller, Werner Biermeier, Christine Adams, Peter Hottinger, Joyce Giraud, Bengt Wallgren, Elodie Yung, Anna Charlotta Gunnarson, Andreas Bjorklund, Embeth Davidtz, Joel Kinnaman, Karen E. Wright, Leah Harshaw, George Gerdes, Cean Chaffin, Anni Faurbye Fernandez, Malte Forssell, Ryan Kavanaugh, Berna Levin, Scott Rudin, Soren Staermose, Ole Sondberg, Mikael Wallen, Steven Zaillian, Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross, Jeff Cronenweth, Kirk Baxter, Angus Wall, Laray Mayfield, Donald Graham Burt, Frida Arvidsson, K.C. Fox, Lara Baldwin, Christos Dervenis, Eirik Ohna, Daniel Stillman, Florian Engelhardt, Allen Kupetsky, Bob Wagner, Pete Waterman, Maileen Williams, Holiday Landa, Thom Brennan, Alyson Dee Moore, Richard Quinn, JOhn Roesch, Toddy Bryant, Jeff Chumas, Ben Cooke, Jacob Dewitt, Per Dunder, Patty Majorczak-Connolly, Mark Sussman, Jola Wieczorek, Paul Alderman, Tyler Nelson, Alex Olivares, Kimberly Aguirre, Garrett Basch, Ulf Bjorlin, Bettina Browne, Veronika Eriksson, Desirae Ferrer, Astrid Hammarsten, Elinor Isenberg, Caroline Johansson, Suzanne Lehfeldt, Gareth Lewis, Larry Madrid, Andrea McKee, Kyle McGatlin, Catherine Pittman, Susanna Same, Candice Taylor, Rasmus WassbergPlot?  Sure!

Mikael Blomkvist (Daniel Craig) is a business investigative journalist who is determined to restore his honor.

Once he has been convicted of libel, joins the rich industrial Henrik Vanger (Christopher Plummer) in order to use his services as a journalist and a detective in the claim.

Henrik’s niece Harriet was murdered in 1966 as a 16 year old girl, what could have been but never proven (since Sherlock Holmes services are being used in shit cinema elsewhere).

Since then, the only message is that Henrik’s once a year receives a dried flower of the alleged murderer (in a frame, as in “framed”… a clue?).

Center of this conspiracy is Henrik’s extended family, from the loud disputes among themselves hardly changed a word. Like Thanksgiving at Kyrle’s place.

Americans are gluttons.

And very opinionated.

And cannot hold their liquor.

At least Swedes can hold their liquor.

And I can hold Malin Akerman (please Malin, we could make all of Scandinavia come together… get it?)

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, David Fincher, Steven Zaillian, Stieg Larsson, Daniel Craig, Rooney Mara, Christopher Plummer, Stellan Skarsgard, Steven Berkoff, Robin Wright, Yorick Van Wageningen, Joely Richardson, Geraldine James, Goran Visnjic, Donald Sumpter, Ulf Friberg, Bengt C.W. Carlsson, Tony Way, Per Myrberg, Josefin Asplund, Eva Fritjofson, Moa Garpendal, Maya Hansson-Berggvist, Sarah Appelberg, Julian Sands, Anna Bjork, Gustaf Hammarstein, Simon Reithner, David Dencik, Marcus Johansson, Mathilda Von Essen, Mathias Palmer, Martin Jarvis, Inga Landgre, Reza Dehban, Anders Berg, Mats Andersson, Anders Jansson, Jurgen Klein, Kalle Josephson, Sandra Andreis, Arly Jover, Pierre Sjo Ostergren, Tess Panzer, Alastair Duncan, Alan Dale, Julia Rose, Peter Carlberg, Jan Abramson, Lena Stromdahl, Matthew Wolf, Anne-Li Norberg, Leo Bill, Albrecht Marco, Martina Lotun, Anna Carlson, Yvonne Astrand, Fredrik Dolk, Christian Heller, Werner Biermeier, Christine Adams, Peter Hottinger, Joyce Giraud, Bengt Wallgren, Elodie Yung, Anna Charlotta Gunnarson, Andreas Bjorklund, Embeth Davidtz, Joel Kinnaman, Karen E. Wright, Leah Harshaw, George Gerdes, Cean Chaffin, Anni Faurbye Fernandez, Malte Forssell, Ryan Kavanaugh, Berna Levin, Scott Rudin, Soren Staermose, Ole Sondberg, Mikael Wallen, Steven Zaillian, Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross, Jeff Cronenweth, Kirk Baxter, Angus Wall, Laray Mayfield, Donald Graham Burt, Frida Arvidsson, K.C. Fox, Lara Baldwin, Christos Dervenis, Eirik Ohna, Daniel Stillman, Florian Engelhardt, Allen Kupetsky, Bob Wagner, Pete Waterman, Maileen Williams, Holiday Landa, Thom Brennan, Alyson Dee Moore, Richard Quinn, JOhn Roesch, Toddy Bryant, Jeff Chumas, Ben Cooke, Jacob Dewitt, Per Dunder, Patty Majorczak-Connolly, Mark Sussman, Jola Wieczorek, Paul Alderman, Tyler Nelson, Alex Olivares, Kimberly Aguirre, Garrett Basch, Ulf Bjorlin, Bettina Browne, Veronika Eriksson, Desirae Ferrer, Astrid Hammarsten, Elinor Isenberg, Caroline Johansson, Suzanne Lehfeldt, Gareth Lewis, Larry Madrid, Andrea McKee, Kyle McGatlin, Catherine Pittman, Susanna Same, Candice Taylor, Rasmus WassbergAround the same time is Lisbeth Salander (Rooney Mara) – an unusual but equally brilliant detective and hacker security company Milton Security – tasked in Blomkvist life to sniff around (“sniff around!”  House of Pain, people!), which ultimately leads but to the fact that they Blomkvist with the murder of Harriet Vanger help you.

They entered a 40-year-old chess game of intrigue, murder and incest.  I said it.  Intrigue.

What is good?

Rooney Mara, that is what is good.  Man, she pierced every possible skin flap that was available.  And then more flaps, which is professional.

More?

Christopher Plummer.  I almost had the belief that he was old.  Good acting!

Danny Craig (my buddy).  He has been doing sit-ups.

Soundtrack – Trent Reznor made my booty shake.  “Hammer of the Gods” is right!  And then…

SPOILER ALERT!!!

And then it happened.  I was made to cry.

I can, with squirming, handle anal rape.

Bloody nine iron to face is nothing (even with broken teeth clattering on the tile).

Torture-murder-dismembering of young women is easy.

But do not fuck with the cat.

NEVER fuck with the cat.

My eyes leaked.  I sniffled.  I took another bong hit and one more shot of Kossu.  My eyes leaked some more.

Finally, I became less a Swede and more a man (kidding, Malin – Swedes are now cool to me).

SPOILER ALERT OVER!

For a summation, three thumbs up!  One thumb just for Rooney Mara.  One thumb for David Fincher.  And another thumb for the year 2009 version from the Swedes – at least if shit is for the messing they don’t make it a greater (or lesser) mess, right?

And one head lowered, mourning for little furry cats everywhere.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Reese Witherspoon, Water For Elephants, Robert Pattinson, Christoph Waltz, Paul Schneider, Jim Norton, Hal Holbrook, Mark Povinelli, Richard Brake, Stephen Monroe Taylor, Ken Foree, Scott MacDonald, James Frain, Sam Anderson, John Aylward, Brad Greenquist, Tim Guinee, Donna W. Scott, E.E. Bell, Kyle Jordan, Aleksandra Kaniak, Ilia Volok, Bruce Gray, Jim Jansen, James Keane, Ivo Nandi, Karynn Moore, Andrew Connolly, Doug McDougal, Tracy Phillips Rowan O'Hara, Water for Elephants, Tai, Uggie, Ice, Sita Acevedo, Danny Castle, Michael Coronas, Aloysia Gavre, Francis Lawrence, Andrew R. Tennenbaum, Erwin Stoff, Gil Netter, Kevin Halloran, Alan Edward Bell, Ana Maria Quintana, Chad Holmes, David Crank, Denise Chamian, Molly Allen, Sasha Veneziano, Kimmo MustonenenKimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S.  How could Ozzy not win “Survivor”?  Odin, have you forsaken us all?

 

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Comments

  1. Lutefisk on December 20, 2011 at 11:49 pm said:

    I don’t need to see the seedy underbelly of Sweden. It’s bad enough here in Dayton.

  2. Rooney Mara vs. Noomi Rapace.
    Two chicks enter – only one chick will leave.

    Who wins and how – GO GO GO!!!

  3. Carlton Fisk on December 21, 2011 at 9:13 am said:

    I wish I could erase Noomi’s performance during 2h40min. I’d appreciate David Fincher’s movie more.

    Anyway. I’d be much more pissed about this american remake if it turns Rooney Mara into a star and if Noomi Rapace remained unknown outside Sweden. But thankfully she’s doing good (I’m especially eager for Prometheus). So everybody’s happy, I guess!

  4. Shit book. Shit movie.

  5. Great review! Saw it last night and it was awesome! I wonder if it will get any award momentum given the nature of some of the scenes. I was a fan of the Swedish films and was glad that Fincher was able to pull this off, hopefully he signs on for the next two! And I think I have developed a thing for industrial/goth chicks after seeing both Rapace and Mara portray Salander.

  6. I fell asleep on installments 2 & 3 of the Swedish version. They really weren’t as great as people keep saying they are.

  7. silly silly on December 22, 2011 at 8:21 am said:

    the film is well made and the acting is great all around. But the entire premise is still completely preposterous in spite of some of the long winded salutes listed here that cite “realism” as one of the movies most compelling virtues. Secret Swedish Nazi cells equipped with massive underground torture chambers dug into the cliffs of remote islands! A villain who kills dozens with mechanized precision and lives in an armory but suddenly panics, runs past a hundred guns and drives away into the night! Steig Larsen’s books were utter rot and so are the movies based on them although this one was slickly packaged. I find highly depressing that millions of Americans are crowding into theaters to see bogus low brow (and hyper violent) escapism like this (remakes no less) while movies like Hugo and The Artist go belly up at the box office. Look for two more idiotic sequels. I believe they are already in production. We are a civilization in rapid and inexorable decline.

  8. David Fincher is a hack. Those books sux. Emperorers new clothes. Nobody wants to see this shit. Obvsiously.

  9. John Sparks on December 22, 2011 at 12:24 pm said:

    I really wanted to like this movie but it was a disappointed. Hilarious review though.

  10. Claes Gustafsson on December 22, 2011 at 2:37 pm said:

    Just to get things right. The Finns joined Nazi Germany to fight the Soviet Union. So I guess it was not the Swedes who was the real Nazi lovers….

  11. Sven Svensson on January 4, 2012 at 4:46 am said:

    Finland will always be a colony to Sweden.

    We have always used them as a buffert to Russia, and like to see them fight and sometimes we help a little bit, if we feel for it and are´nt busy taking a nap.

    Finns have evolved to be good fighters, we like it and need them if The Russians get angry.

  12. All movies today force you to suspend your imagination. Yes, Dragon has its holes in the book and movies — it’s fiction! It’s still one hell of a read and movie. The main character Lisbeth Salander is extremely interesting. Hey silly silly, let someone knock the piss out of you with a golf club and see if you remain coherent.

  13. Moe Badderman on March 31, 2012 at 12:19 am said:

    # “nine iron”

    Looked like maybe a 5-wood, or an older 3-wood.

  14. The novel is really rich in detail and quick paced — And incredibly moving in depicting the struggles faced by its female protagonist. This novel somehow brings off having two really well drawn protagonists, one male, one female that one can empathize with. I did not want the story to end. A middle aged journalist, and a troubled but incredibly talented young woman who works as a PI intersect to solve a labyrinthine plot. Apparently this was the first novel in a trilogy by the brillant writer, Stieg Larsson, who unfortunately died in 2004: the book contains a tribute to him and his career. I cannot wait to read the sequels.

    All in all, its one of the best mystery /thrillers I’ve read from the last decade. In fact comparing it to the Da Vinci Code, the characters are not simplistic one dimensional cut outs at all. The rich characterizations and explorations of dark behaviour remind me of Elizabeth George. This is a superb novel and impossible to put down.

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  16. Raymond on October 19, 2012 at 12:19 pm said:

    Trent Reznor made my booty shake LOL

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