Dark Shadows [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, OnMedea, Jill Kennedy, Dark Shadows, Tim Burton, Seth Grahame-Smith, John August, Dan Curtis, Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer, Helena Bonham Carter, Eva Green, Jackie Earle Haley, Jonny Lee Miller, Bella Heathcote, Chloe Grace Moretz, Gulliver McGrath, Ray Shirley, Christopher Lee, Alice Cooper, Ivan Kaye, Susanna Cappellaro, Josephine Butler, William Hope, Shane Rimmer, Michael Shannon, Harry Taylor, Glenn Mexted, Guy Flanagan, Nigel Whitmey, Philip Bulcock, Sophie Kennedy Clark, Hannah Murray, Victoria Bewick, Sean Mahon, Alexia Osborne, Richard Hollie, Felicity Brangan, Michael Anthony Brown, Charlotte Spencer, Gabriel Freilich, Justin Tracy, Jeff Mash, Raffey Cssidy, Jonathan Frid, Kathryn Leigh Scott, Lara Parker, David Selby, Janine Craig, Adelle Young, Dominika Van Santen, Josephine McGrail, Greg Bennett, Nathanjohn Carter, Duncan Casey, James Cooper, Andrew Crayford, Chris Edgerley, Marco Flammer, Ian Floodgate, Shonn Gregory, Daniel Harland, Lee Nicholas Harris, Frank Hellebrand, David Lyddon, Ian Mann, Matthew David McCarthy, Duncan Meadows, Dale Mercer, Alex Moore, Benjayx Murphy, Alexa Seabourne, Nick Thomas-Webster, Matt Tyzack, Bruce Berman, Christi Dembrowski, Katterli Frauenfelder, Derek Frey, Nigel Gostelow, Tim Headington, David Kennedy, Graham King, Chris Lebenzon, Richard Zanuck, Danny Elfman, Bruno Delbonnel, Chris Lebenzon, Susie Figgis, Rick Heinrichs, Neal Callow, Elizabeth Miller Gavcus, Siobhan Lyons, Jessie Thiele, George Batchelor, Joey Coughlin, Ben Dixon, Fraser Fennell-Ball, Holly Gardner, Clare Glass, Sarah Hood, Jack Ivins, Alex Stanton, Peter Stenning, James Cox, Tom Aitken, Nick Chopping, Andy Wareham, Carrie Arakaki, Jody Knight, Alison Levine, Matthew Benns, John Barrett, Jim Adams, Sara Akhtech, Clare Aldington, Tom Asquith, Daisy Baldry, Celia Barnett, Holly Bates, Sarah Clark, Nikki Clapp, Kohli Calhoun, Laurie Deuters, Stephen Deuters, Maria Ana Dias, Sekani Doram, Charlotte Draper, Harry Elvin, Amanda Fernie, Holly Gardner, Nathan Holmes, Charles Howes, Nessa King, Teariki Leonard, Victoria Morgan, Steve Morphew, Christopher Mullen, Carolyn O'Reilly, Jim Person, Emma Pill, Norman Campbell Rees, Barnaby Riggs, Ben Rothwell, Louise Van Hamme, Duprez Veronique, Dean Wares, David Wieder, David Zealey, Richard Wild, Finlay PileDark Shadows

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Readers, forgive me.

Last week, The Avengers.  

Oops.

I was again the drunk and did not review that awesome piece of shit.

How so?

My FinnBro (Pekka) and I did the drink on Nashville!

So many the pukes out of my mouth.

Then Pekka puked on the ice.

Partied like a star, then the falling and the hospital.

My fault Phoenix is in the Western Conference Finals.

Never to drink again. Until tomorrow!

Pekka, I take the bad!

Damn!

Damn, again!

Thanks, Hollywood.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, OnMedea, Jill Kennedy, Dark Shadows, Tim Burton, Seth Grahame-Smith, John August, Dan Curtis, Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer, Helena Bonham Carter, Eva Green, Jackie Earle Haley, Jonny Lee Miller, Bella Heathcote, Chloe Grace Moretz, Gulliver McGrath, Ray Shirley, Christopher Lee, Alice Cooper, Ivan Kaye, Susanna Cappellaro, Josephine Butler, William Hope, Shane Rimmer, Michael Shannon, Harry Taylor, Glenn Mexted, Guy Flanagan, Nigel Whitmey, Philip Bulcock, Sophie Kennedy Clark, Hannah Murray, Victoria Bewick, Sean Mahon, Alexia Osborne, Richard Hollie, Felicity Brangan, Michael Anthony Brown, Charlotte Spencer, Gabriel Freilich, Justin Tracy, Jeff Mash, Raffey Cssidy, Jonathan Frid, Kathryn Leigh Scott, Lara Parker, David Selby, Janine Craig, Adelle Young, Dominika Van Santen, Josephine McGrail, Greg Bennett, Nathanjohn Carter, Duncan Casey, James Cooper, Andrew Crayford, Chris Edgerley, Marco Flammer, Ian Floodgate, Shonn Gregory, Daniel Harland, Lee Nicholas Harris, Frank Hellebrand, David Lyddon, Ian Mann, Matthew David McCarthy, Duncan Meadows, Dale Mercer, Alex Moore, Benjayx Murphy, Alexa Seabourne, Nick Thomas-Webster, Matt Tyzack, Bruce Berman, Christi Dembrowski, Katterli Frauenfelder, Derek Frey, Nigel Gostelow, Tim Headington, David Kennedy, Graham King, Chris Lebenzon, Richard Zanuck, Danny Elfman, Bruno Delbonnel, Chris Lebenzon, Susie Figgis, Rick Heinrichs, Neal Callow, Elizabeth Miller Gavcus, Siobhan Lyons, Jessie Thiele, George Batchelor, Joey Coughlin, Ben Dixon, Fraser Fennell-Ball, Holly Gardner, Clare Glass, Sarah Hood, Jack Ivins, Alex Stanton, Peter Stenning, James Cox, Tom Aitken, Nick Chopping, Andy Wareham, Carrie Arakaki, Jody Knight, Alison Levine, Matthew Benns, John Barrett, Jim Adams, Sara Akhtech, Clare Aldington, Tom Asquith, Daisy Baldry, Celia Barnett, Holly Bates, Sarah Clark, Nikki Clapp, Kohli Calhoun, Laurie Deuters, Stephen Deuters, Maria Ana Dias, Sekani Doram, Charlotte Draper, Harry Elvin, Amanda Fernie, Holly Gardner, Nathan Holmes, Charles Howes, Nessa King, Teariki Leonard, Victoria Morgan, Steve Morphew, Christopher Mullen, Carolyn O'Reilly, Jim Person, Emma Pill, Norman Campbell Rees, Barnaby Riggs, Ben Rothwell, Louise Van Hamme, Duprez Veronique, Dean Wares, David Wieder, David Zealey, Richard Wild, Finlay PileWhen, as a child, I would exist – the loving of Barnabas Collins every afternoon.

Then, for we of the werewolf love, had Quentin.  I wanted to grow up to a werewolf.

Cool.

Show was AWESOME!

Now, WTF?!?

I don’t hate “Dark Shadows.”  There is some love.

Michelle Pfeiffer… HOT!

Eva Green… HOT.

Chloe Mortetz… HOT, but not legal for 5 more years.

Then a movie.  I don’t care.

Once again, seventies are funny. Come on!

Burton, I crap in your eye.

This is the best funny movie Tim Burton has done since “Big Fish.” 

But again, what the fjord?.

Old jokes are old.  New jokes are old.

I want to like, but with a lack of laughing, what the hell?

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, OnMedea, Jill Kennedy, Dark Shadows, Tim Burton, Seth Grahame-Smith, John August, Dan Curtis, Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer, Helena Bonham Carter, Eva Green, Jackie Earle Haley, Jonny Lee Miller, Bella Heathcote, Chloe Grace Moretz, Gulliver McGrath, Ray Shirley, Christopher Lee, Alice Cooper, Ivan Kaye, Susanna Cappellaro, Josephine Butler, William Hope, Shane Rimmer, Michael Shannon, Harry Taylor, Glenn Mexted, Guy Flanagan, Nigel Whitmey, Philip Bulcock, Sophie Kennedy Clark, Hannah Murray, Victoria Bewick, Sean Mahon, Alexia Osborne, Richard Hollie, Felicity Brangan, Michael Anthony Brown, Charlotte Spencer, Gabriel Freilich, Justin Tracy, Jeff Mash, Raffey Cssidy, Jonathan Frid, Kathryn Leigh Scott, Lara Parker, David Selby, Janine Craig, Adelle Young, Dominika Van Santen, Josephine McGrail, Greg Bennett, Nathanjohn Carter, Duncan Casey, James Cooper, Andrew Crayford, Chris Edgerley, Marco Flammer, Ian Floodgate, Shonn Gregory, Daniel Harland, Lee Nicholas Harris, Frank Hellebrand, David Lyddon, Ian Mann, Matthew David McCarthy, Duncan Meadows, Dale Mercer, Alex Moore, Benjayx Murphy, Alexa Seabourne, Nick Thomas-Webster, Matt Tyzack, Bruce Berman, Christi Dembrowski, Katterli Frauenfelder, Derek Frey, Nigel Gostelow, Tim Headington, David Kennedy, Graham King, Chris Lebenzon, Richard Zanuck, Danny Elfman, Bruno Delbonnel, Chris Lebenzon, Susie Figgis, Rick Heinrichs, Neal Callow, Elizabeth Miller Gavcus, Siobhan Lyons, Jessie Thiele, George Batchelor, Joey Coughlin, Ben Dixon, Fraser Fennell-Ball, Holly Gardner, Clare Glass, Sarah Hood, Jack Ivins, Alex Stanton, Peter Stenning, James Cox, Tom Aitken, Nick Chopping, Andy Wareham, Carrie Arakaki, Jody Knight, Alison Levine, Matthew Benns, John Barrett, Jim Adams, Sara Akhtech, Clare Aldington, Tom Asquith, Daisy Baldry, Celia Barnett, Holly Bates, Sarah Clark, Nikki Clapp, Kohli Calhoun, Laurie Deuters, Stephen Deuters, Maria Ana Dias, Sekani Doram, Charlotte Draper, Harry Elvin, Amanda Fernie, Holly Gardner, Nathan Holmes, Charles Howes, Nessa King, Teariki Leonard, Victoria Morgan, Steve Morphew, Christopher Mullen, Carolyn O'Reilly, Jim Person, Emma Pill, Norman Campbell Rees, Barnaby Riggs, Ben Rothwell, Louise Van Hamme, Duprez Veronique, Dean Wares, David Wieder, David Zealey, Richard Wild, Finlay PileTime for the Burton – Depp break-up.

Though, the happening of this is never.

Man, the Kossu is running out.

Therefore, I have nothing left to say.

“Dark Shadow” will be on my big screen in August.  My pipe is full of the sweet weed.

Now is the time for us who love cinema to rage!

Do not throw poop at us like a monkey!

We are human.

We want to see the cinema that is good!

Come on!

Come on.

I am now escorted to a place where I can relax.  One day, movies will be fun again.

No, probably never.  Damn.

For now, I leave you with this:  Go and see “Dark Shadows”.

Why not?  Get drunk.  Smoke some green.  Time goes by.

Who gives a shit?

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Reese Witherspoon, Water For Elephants, Robert Pattinson, Christoph Waltz, Paul Schneider, Jim Norton, Hal Holbrook, Mark Povinelli, Richard Brake, Stephen Monroe Taylor, Ken Foree, Scott MacDonald, James Frain, Sam Anderson, John Aylward, Brad Greenquist, Tim Guinee, Donna W. Scott, E.E. Bell, Kyle Jordan, Aleksandra Kaniak, Ilia Volok, Bruce Gray, Jim Jansen, James Keane, Ivo Nandi, Karynn Moore, Andrew Connolly, Doug McDougal, Tracy Phillips Rowan O'Hara, Water for Elephants, Tai, Uggie, Ice, Sita Acevedo, Danny Castle, Michael Coronas, Aloysia Gavre, Francis Lawrence, Andrew R. Tennenbaum, Erwin Stoff, Gil Netter, Kevin Halloran, Alan Edward Bell, Ana Maria Quintana, Chad Holmes, David Crank, Denise Chamian, Molly Allen, Sasha Veneziano, Kimmo MustonenenKimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S.  Summer again.  Now time for summer brain cancer.  Fuck.

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Comments

  1. Spidey Man on May 11, 2012 at 10:01 am said:

    As a huge fan of the earlier shows which I watched pretty religiously when I was a kid I’ve got to say the only thing that would get me to watch this movie is that it has the last performance by Jonathan Frid. (And most of the rest of the original cast I’ve heard.) But it won’t be at the theater. It’ll be on dvd when it gets there. Probably in a month if all the diehard Depp fans don’t blow the box office out of proportion and keep it in theaters longer.

  2. bobby blunt on May 11, 2012 at 10:31 am said:

    Worst movie of the year if not the decade or century. Tim Burton has lost it and Johnny can only play the one character type. Way to ruin a movie that could have been.

  3. Heavy G on May 11, 2012 at 11:15 am said:

    What?!? You were responsible for Rinne playing like shit? I will hunt you down and kill you.

  4. Annie111 on May 11, 2012 at 11:17 am said:

    OH NO not another tim burton depp movie! they look the same. Perhaps burton will do better with a vampire movie than his Willy Wonka debacle.

  5. Cedar Rapids on May 11, 2012 at 12:42 pm said:

    Get some rest Kimmo. I have to say I am predicting a bomb on this one.

  6. Aaron Rice on May 11, 2012 at 4:52 pm said:

    Fantastic review! The best. Looks like I will be spending my money on Avengers! Again! Avengers assemble!!!

  7. rachel on May 14, 2012 at 12:30 pm said:

    @Kimmo..YOU ARE A BIG PEACE OF SHIT ,YOU REALLY ARE..AND WHY DO YOU PUT THAT HORRID PIC OF YOU?RIDICULOUS ,I THINK YOU ARE GAY WITH THAT BLOND HAIR TOO..MONKEY FACE!And about the movie..it’s clear that you don’t like it at all,but DON’T TRY TO MAKE THE PEOPLE BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANT..IDIOT.YOU LIKE TO WASH PEOPLE BRAIN AND THE PEOPLE ARE SO STUPID THAT BELIEVE EVERTHING THEY SAW OR READ ,WELL GOOD JOB,YOU MADE IT..YOU FEEL GOOD NOW?RIGHT..NOW GO TO SEE THE SEXY GUYS OF AVENGERS AND MASTURBATE WITH THEM…I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT,BECAUSE I DOUBT ANYONE WOULD WANT TO TOUCH YOU WITH THA MONKEY FACE YOU HAVE

  8. rachel on May 14, 2012 at 12:37 pm said:

    And I mean ..PIECE OF SHIT,not peace,the emotion..sorry :P

  9. rachel on May 14, 2012 at 6:43 pm said:

    With that monkey face? NOoooo way :(

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