Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo On Kino, Behind The Proscenium, Jack the Giant Slayer, Bryan Singer, Darren Lemke, Christopher McQuarrie, Dan Studney, David Dobkin, Nicholas Hoult, Elenor Tomlinson, Ewan McGregor, Stanley Tucci, Eddie Marsan, Ewen Bremner, Ian McShane, Christopher Fairbank, Simon Lowe, Mingus Johnston, Ralph Brown, Joy McBrinn, Chris Brailsford, Warwick Davis, Craig Salisbury, Peter Bonner, Lee Boardman, Lee Whitlock, Jody Halse, Richard Dixon, Chris Drake, Bill Nighy, John Kassir, Cornell John, Andrew Brooke, Angus Barnett, Ben Daniels, Philip Philmar, Peter Elliott, Don McCorkindale, Tayler Marshall, Amber Vertaanes, Alex Macqueen, Joseph Salazar, Hattie Gotobed, Steven Williams, John Lebar, Phil Martin, Steve Haze, Michael Self, Tim Foley, Sydney Rawson, Tandi Wright, Byron Coll, Aaron Jackson, Mark Badham, Russell Balogh, Jason Beeston, Christian Black, Chris Bowe, Stephen Brocklehurst, Alfred Camp, Nathanjohn Carter, Robert Clayton, Sam Creed, Graham Curry, Joseph Dewey, Richard Dorton, Anthony Errington, David Frost, Sammy Harris, Philip Harvey, Caroline Hayes, Matthew David Hearn, Mitch Hill, Kevin Hudson, Charli Janeway, Andy Joy, James Kirkham, Daniel Lapaine, Darren Lynch, Celina Macdonald, Duncan JC Mais, Martyn Mayger, Raine McCormack, Henry Monk, Michael St Omer, Gloria Riccio, Santi Scinelli, James Thomas Scott, Nick Shaw, Simon Steggall, Shane Stevens, Paul Warren, Josh Wichard, Simon John Wilson, Christan Wolf Lamoy, Richard Brener, Michael Disco, David Dobkin, Toby Emmerich, Alex Garcia, Jon Jashni, Ori Marmur, Patrick McCormick, Neal Moritz, John Ottman, John Rickard, Thomas Tull, Michele Weiss, John Ottman, Newton Thomas Sigel, Bob Ducsay, Roger Mussenden, Jeremy Rich, Gavin Bocquet, Mark Harris, Phil Harvey, Rod McLean, Peter Russell, Gary Tomkins, Richard Roberts, Benjamin Greenacre, Tim Grover, Marianne Jenkins, Paul LaMOri, Duncan Muggoch, Jason Pomerantz, Adam Teeuw, Ty Warren, Tom Browne, Glenn Carroll, Jamie Christopher, Simon Downes, Alex Reid, Jane Ryan, Ronny Schroder, Matthew Sharp, Toby Spanton, Scott Ko, Dan Keller, Siouxsie Stewart, Ed Walters, Michel Aller, Shaun Apraharrian, Todd Busch, Herbert Butler, Camrin Agin, Chris Jai Alex, Sam Barnett, Nick Fulton, Maryllis Gonzalez, Jodie Gregory, Helen Christine Dwyer, Lucy Howell, Moira Houlihan, Marianne Huet, Todd christian Hunter, Holly Johnson, Jamie JOnes, Georgina Kelly, Alastair McNeil, Jesse Packham, Berenice Percival, Jonathan Stein, Douglas Tait, Ben Vokes, Richard Wild, Roger Walker, John R Walker, Josh Wood, Jhonny Zurita, Sam Weeden, Josh Loveman, Kyle Leatherberry

Jack the Giant Slayer [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo On Kino, Behind The Proscenium, Jack the Giant Slayer, Bryan Singer, Darren Lemke, Christopher McQuarrie, Dan Studney, David Dobkin, Nicholas Hoult, Elenor Tomlinson, Ewan McGregor, Stanley Tucci, Eddie Marsan, Ewen Bremner, Ian McShane, Christopher Fairbank, Simon Lowe, Mingus Johnston, Ralph Brown, Joy McBrinn, Chris Brailsford, Warwick Davis, Craig Salisbury, Peter Bonner, Lee Boardman, Lee Whitlock, Jody Halse, Richard Dixon, Chris Drake, Bill Nighy, John Kassir, Cornell John, Andrew Brooke, Angus Barnett, Ben Daniels, Philip Philmar, Peter Elliott, Don McCorkindale, Tayler Marshall, Amber Vertaanes, Alex Macqueen, Joseph Salazar, Hattie Gotobed, Steven Williams, John Lebar, Phil Martin, Steve Haze, Michael Self, Tim Foley, Sydney Rawson, Tandi Wright, Byron Coll, Aaron Jackson, Mark Badham, Russell Balogh, Jason Beeston, Christian Black, Chris Bowe, Stephen Brocklehurst, Alfred Camp, Nathanjohn Carter, Robert Clayton, Sam Creed, Graham Curry, Joseph Dewey, Richard Dorton, Anthony Errington, David Frost, Sammy Harris, Philip Harvey, Caroline Hayes, Matthew David Hearn, Mitch Hill, Kevin Hudson, Charli Janeway, Andy Joy, James Kirkham, Daniel Lapaine, Darren Lynch, Celina Macdonald, Duncan JC Mais, Martyn Mayger, Raine McCormack, Henry Monk, Michael St Omer, Gloria Riccio, Santi Scinelli, James Thomas Scott, Nick Shaw, Simon Steggall, Shane Stevens, Paul Warren, Josh Wichard, Simon John Wilson, Christan Wolf Lamoy, Richard Brener, Michael Disco, David Dobkin, Toby Emmerich, Alex Garcia, Jon Jashni, Ori Marmur, Patrick McCormick, Neal Moritz, John Ottman, John Rickard, Thomas Tull, Michele Weiss, John Ottman, Newton Thomas Sigel, Bob Ducsay, Roger Mussenden, Jeremy Rich, Gavin Bocquet, Mark Harris, Phil Harvey, Rod McLean, Peter Russell, Gary Tomkins, Richard Roberts, Benjamin Greenacre, Tim Grover, Marianne Jenkins, Paul LaMOri, Duncan Muggoch, Jason Pomerantz, Adam Teeuw, Ty Warren, Tom Browne, Glenn Carroll, Jamie Christopher, Simon Downes, Alex Reid, Jane Ryan, Ronny Schroder, Matthew Sharp, Toby Spanton, Scott Ko, Dan Keller, Siouxsie Stewart, Ed Walters, Michel Aller, Shaun Apraharrian, Todd Busch, Herbert Butler, Camrin Agin, Chris Jai Alex, Sam Barnett, Nick Fulton, Maryllis Gonzalez, Jodie Gregory, Helen Christine Dwyer, Lucy Howell, Moira Houlihan, Marianne Huet, Todd christian Hunter, Holly Johnson, Jamie JOnes, Georgina Kelly, Alastair McNeil, Jesse Packham, Berenice Percival, Jonathan Stein, Douglas Tait, Ben Vokes, Richard Wild, Roger Walker, John R Walker, Josh Wood, Jhonny Zurita, Sam Weeden, Josh Loveman, Kyle LeatherberryJack the Giant Slayer

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Times have hard.

We know this.

Hollywood then shows us.

We watch The Mr. Oscar Show and strange face “Look At Me, I Am Also Smug Guy Who Wants To Sing In Your Face” person is on hourly, for what is to me, also forever.

Pretty people also are staging to the T.V., some with awards, more with sadness in their brain thoughts.

On the carpet, all women admit to wearing the clothes of someone else – yet none of the carpet questioning people feel the creeps.

This is Hollywood.

This is the Academy Awards.

This review is “Jack The Giant Slayer.” 

It needs not to worry about the Academy Awards.

Ever.

But, even though winning is not to be foreseen – this is good for the film worker people. If for to win, they would have to talk to “Smug Guy Who Was Upstaged By Captain Kirk” which would be the suck.

But all is not bad. Really.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo On Kino, Behind The Proscenium, Jack the Giant Slayer, Bryan Singer, Darren Lemke, Christopher McQuarrie, Dan Studney, David Dobkin, Nicholas Hoult, Elenor Tomlinson, Ewan McGregor, Stanley Tucci, Eddie Marsan, Ewen Bremner, Ian McShane, Christopher Fairbank, Simon Lowe, Mingus Johnston, Ralph Brown, Joy McBrinn, Chris Brailsford, Warwick Davis, Craig Salisbury, Peter Bonner, Lee Boardman, Lee Whitlock, Jody Halse, Richard Dixon, Chris Drake, Bill Nighy, John Kassir, Cornell John, Andrew Brooke, Angus Barnett, Ben Daniels, Philip Philmar, Peter Elliott, Don McCorkindale, Tayler Marshall, Amber Vertaanes, Alex Macqueen, Joseph Salazar, Hattie Gotobed, Steven Williams, John Lebar, Phil Martin, Steve Haze, Michael Self, Tim Foley, Sydney Rawson, Tandi Wright, Byron Coll, Aaron Jackson, Mark Badham, Russell Balogh, Jason Beeston, Christian Black, Chris Bowe, Stephen Brocklehurst, Alfred Camp, Nathanjohn Carter, Robert Clayton, Sam Creed, Graham Curry, Joseph Dewey, Richard Dorton, Anthony Errington, David Frost, Sammy Harris, Philip Harvey, Caroline Hayes, Matthew David Hearn, Mitch Hill, Kevin Hudson, Charli Janeway, Andy Joy, James Kirkham, Daniel Lapaine, Darren Lynch, Celina Macdonald, Duncan JC Mais, Martyn Mayger, Raine McCormack, Henry Monk, Michael St Omer, Gloria Riccio, Santi Scinelli, James Thomas Scott, Nick Shaw, Simon Steggall, Shane Stevens, Paul Warren, Josh Wichard, Simon John Wilson, Christan Wolf Lamoy, Richard Brener, Michael Disco, David Dobkin, Toby Emmerich, Alex Garcia, Jon Jashni, Ori Marmur, Patrick McCormick, Neal Moritz, John Ottman, John Rickard, Thomas Tull, Michele Weiss, John Ottman, Newton Thomas Sigel, Bob Ducsay, Roger Mussenden, Jeremy Rich, Gavin Bocquet, Mark Harris, Phil Harvey, Rod McLean, Peter Russell, Gary Tomkins, Richard Roberts, Benjamin Greenacre, Tim Grover, Marianne Jenkins, Paul LaMOri, Duncan Muggoch, Jason Pomerantz, Adam Teeuw, Ty Warren, Tom Browne, Glenn Carroll, Jamie Christopher, Simon Downes, Alex Reid, Jane Ryan, Ronny Schroder, Matthew Sharp, Toby Spanton, Scott Ko, Dan Keller, Siouxsie Stewart, Ed Walters, Michel Aller, Shaun Apraharrian, Todd Busch, Herbert Butler, Camrin Agin, Chris Jai Alex, Sam Barnett, Nick Fulton, Maryllis Gonzalez, Jodie Gregory, Helen Christine Dwyer, Lucy Howell, Moira Houlihan, Marianne Huet, Todd christian Hunter, Holly Johnson, Jamie JOnes, Georgina Kelly, Alastair McNeil, Jesse Packham, Berenice Percival, Jonathan Stein, Douglas Tait, Ben Vokes, Richard Wild, Roger Walker, John R Walker, Josh Wood, Jhonny Zurita, Sam Weeden, Josh Loveman, Kyle LeatherberryFirst, I, Kimmo, will not use Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum in the film review.

All critics who do – or use any variable of the 4-F’s – is of the review school hack class.

No Fee, Fi, Fo, Fun for good review.

No Fe, Fi, Fo, Dumb for bad review.

No Fee, Fi, Foo, Meh for a review tweener.

This reviewer (though many times with drunks and stoned) is not of laziness.

So review I must.

Plot? Fe, Fi, Fo, YES! Damn, it was too much to not do.

Plot – Jack is a kid with stories talked to his ear hole by Dad (look out Dad! Here comes the plague!).

Isabella is a kid who has the same stories (look out Mom! Etc). and grows up to be hot.

In real life, Jack (Nicholas Hoult) got to diddle Jennifer Lawrence and motor-boat her rack (for this, Hoult deserves Lifetime Achievement Award). Then, she, Jennifer, was too good for a bean kid.

To continue, hot Isabella (Eleanor Tomlinson) is now fap fantasy for Roderick (Stanley Tucci – with creepy sameness inside from “The Lovely Boner”) who is shopping for the Magic Crown that lets the owner control Giants – people who are taller than Abraham Lincoln (see review).

Jack does stuff, like slaying Giants, but damn spoiler title told you that already.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo On Kino, Behind The Proscenium, Jack the Giant Slayer, Bryan Singer, Darren Lemke, Christopher McQuarrie, Dan Studney, David Dobkin, Nicholas Hoult, Elenor Tomlinson, Ewan McGregor, Stanley Tucci, Eddie Marsan, Ewen Bremner, Ian McShane, Christopher Fairbank, Simon Lowe, Mingus Johnston, Ralph Brown, Joy McBrinn, Chris Brailsford, Warwick Davis, Craig Salisbury, Peter Bonner, Lee Boardman, Lee Whitlock, Jody Halse, Richard Dixon, Chris Drake, Bill Nighy, John Kassir, Cornell John, Andrew Brooke, Angus Barnett, Ben Daniels, Philip Philmar, Peter Elliott, Don McCorkindale, Tayler Marshall, Amber Vertaanes, Alex Macqueen, Joseph Salazar, Hattie Gotobed, Steven Williams, John Lebar, Phil Martin, Steve Haze, Michael Self, Tim Foley, Sydney Rawson, Tandi Wright, Byron Coll, Aaron Jackson, Mark Badham, Russell Balogh, Jason Beeston, Christian Black, Chris Bowe, Stephen Brocklehurst, Alfred Camp, Nathanjohn Carter, Robert Clayton, Sam Creed, Graham Curry, Joseph Dewey, Richard Dorton, Anthony Errington, David Frost, Sammy Harris, Philip Harvey, Caroline Hayes, Matthew David Hearn, Mitch Hill, Kevin Hudson, Charli Janeway, Andy Joy, James Kirkham, Daniel Lapaine, Darren Lynch, Celina Macdonald, Duncan JC Mais, Martyn Mayger, Raine McCormack, Henry Monk, Michael St Omer, Gloria Riccio, Santi Scinelli, James Thomas Scott, Nick Shaw, Simon Steggall, Shane Stevens, Paul Warren, Josh Wichard, Simon John Wilson, Christan Wolf Lamoy, Richard Brener, Michael Disco, David Dobkin, Toby Emmerich, Alex Garcia, Jon Jashni, Ori Marmur, Patrick McCormick, Neal Moritz, John Ottman, John Rickard, Thomas Tull, Michele Weiss, John Ottman, Newton Thomas Sigel, Bob Ducsay, Roger Mussenden, Jeremy Rich, Gavin Bocquet, Mark Harris, Phil Harvey, Rod McLean, Peter Russell, Gary Tomkins, Richard Roberts, Benjamin Greenacre, Tim Grover, Marianne Jenkins, Paul LaMOri, Duncan Muggoch, Jason Pomerantz, Adam Teeuw, Ty Warren, Tom Browne, Glenn Carroll, Jamie Christopher, Simon Downes, Alex Reid, Jane Ryan, Ronny Schroder, Matthew Sharp, Toby Spanton, Scott Ko, Dan Keller, Siouxsie Stewart, Ed Walters, Michel Aller, Shaun Apraharrian, Todd Busch, Herbert Butler, Camrin Agin, Chris Jai Alex, Sam Barnett, Nick Fulton, Maryllis Gonzalez, Jodie Gregory, Helen Christine Dwyer, Lucy Howell, Moira Houlihan, Marianne Huet, Todd christian Hunter, Holly Johnson, Jamie JOnes, Georgina Kelly, Alastair McNeil, Jesse Packham, Berenice Percival, Jonathan Stein, Douglas Tait, Ben Vokes, Richard Wild, Roger Walker, John R Walker, Josh Wood, Jhonny Zurita, Sam Weeden, Josh Loveman, Kyle LeatherberryThe move is in the land of Not Bad.

CGI Giants are CGI from the days of Tecmo Bowl Nintendo. Fun after bong sucking, fun after the beer chug, cheesy in my real reality.

The 3D was realistic as to make me barf. Yes, the 3D, not the too much overdrunk beer and stale Raisonettes.

I stand by this statement.

For you readers with bigger brains, see the ripped off for this movie – “Trollhunter.” This move is more better than “Jack blah blah blah” in the way that all of Scandinavia (minus Sweden) is superior to Los Angeles (except for the weather – so I really hate Scandinavia, I guess – my mind is confusion).

The Trolls are better computer beasts than the Giants – although the Giants have more lines.

So one and a half thumbs in the atmosphere. There is enjoyment.

I expected a major suck (like that damn Twilight turd-fest) and the suck did not appear.

The secret to liking a film (I’m now thinking) is to expect it to be full of the horrible.

This did not work for the Twilight films, but seem to work for all else.

I will continue this film experiment – since summer is coming, with its crap-storm of film stink.  Here is hoping my expecting is not my reality.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Reese Witherspoon, Water For Elephants, Robert Pattinson, Christoph Waltz, Paul Schneider, Jim Norton, Hal Holbrook, Mark Povinelli, Richard Brake, Stephen Monroe Taylor, Ken Foree, Scott MacDonald, James Frain, Sam Anderson, John Aylward, Brad Greenquist, Tim Guinee, Donna W. Scott, E.E. Bell, Kyle Jordan, Aleksandra Kaniak, Ilia Volok, Bruce Gray, Jim Jansen, James Keane, Ivo Nandi, Karynn Moore, Andrew Connolly, Doug McDougal, Tracy Phillips Rowan O'Hara, Water for Elephants, Tai, Uggie, Ice, Sita Acevedo, Danny Castle, Michael Coronas, Aloysia Gavre, Francis Lawrence, Andrew R. Tennenbaum, Erwin Stoff, Gil Netter, Kevin Halloran, Alan Edward Bell, Ana Maria Quintana, Chad Holmes, David Crank, Denise Chamian, Molly Allen, Sasha Veneziano, Kimmo MustonenenKimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S.  It is almost again the time for baseballs! I don’t have understanding for the game so much, but love Dodger Dogs – and cold beer that is more money worth than gold in its cost.  This game is not hockey (the greatest of all since it was played by God Himself), but not bad for steroid boys with bats. Not to mention hot baseball groupies. Play balls!

4 comments

  1. Zagnut · March 1, 2013

    Kimmo, I think you need to write two reviews – how the good/bad the film is while high/drunk, and how good/bad the film is while sober. I’m sure the reviews would be very different.

  2. Megan R. · March 1, 2013

    Love you Kimmo! And, you are right about the movie Troll Hunter. This movie looks like a total rip off of that movie. But, Nicholas Hoult was pretty good in Warm Bodies so maybe I should give this movie a chance.

  3. Eric · March 1, 2013

    I am envious of said motorboating of Jennifer Lawrence. This guy is my hero. I’d like to see this movie but I probably won’t make it. Kimmo, keep up the good work.

  4. web monster · March 1, 2013

    HHAHAHAHA!!!

    Oh man… Kimmo strikes once again (and I’m not referring to the chug fest during balls of the bases game).