Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo on Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Roger Ebert, The Lords of Salem, Rob Zombie, Sheri Moon Zombie, Bruce Davidson, Jeff Daniel Phillips, Judy Geeson, Meg Foster, Patrica Quinn, Ken Foree, Dee Wallace, Maria Conchita Alonso, Richard Fancy, Andrew Prine, Michael Berryman, Sid Haig, Bonita Friedericy, Nancy Linehan Charles, Flo Lawrence, Brynn Horrocks, Suzanne Voss, Susan Gray, Torsten Voges, Niko Posey, Julian Acosta, Lisa Marie, Brandon Cruz, Gabriel Pimentel, John 5, Piggy D, Roger W. Morrissey, Barbara Crampton, Michael Shamus Wiles, Dustin Quick, James Messersmith, Troy, Ernest Thomas, Carlos del Valle, Clint Howard, Camille Keaton, Udo Kier, Richard Lynch, Daniel Roebuck, Christopher Knight, Christine Ames, Diana Hart, Silvia Moore, Maria Olsen, Judy Thompson, Jobeth Wagner, Jason Blum, Michael Brigante, Jeanette Brill, Bailey Conway, Andy Gould, Jessica L Hall, Brian Kavanaugh-Jones, Oren Peli, Jeremy Platt, Steven Schneider, Griffin Boice, Brandon Trost, Glenn Garland, Monika Mikkelsen, Jennifer Spence, Lori Mazuer, Leah Butler, Megan Brown, Michelle Chung, Richard Evans, Wayne Toth, Laura Altmann, Phillip Dawe, Rick Osako, Kenneth Donaldson, Danny Giles, James MOran, Marc Newland, Laura Altmann, Renetta G Amador, Keith Blomberg, Eric Fleischman, Vanessa Grayson, Nicole Kreuzer, Megan Lurty, Murray Miller, Christopher Perez, Chelsea Peters, Alex Saks, Adam Stone, Cat Stone, David Thornsberry, Bob Weber, Emily Weithman, Lee Anna Winhoffer, Mandy Yaeger

The Lords Of Salem [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo on Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Roger Ebert, The Lords of Salem, Rob Zombie, Sheri Moon Zombie, Bruce Davidson, Jeff Daniel Phillips, Judy Geeson, Meg Foster, Patrica Quinn, Ken Foree, Dee Wallace, Maria Conchita Alonso, Richard Fancy, Andrew Prine, Michael Berryman, Sid Haig, Bonita Friedericy, Nancy Linehan Charles, Flo Lawrence, Brynn Horrocks, Suzanne Voss, Susan Gray, Torsten Voges, Niko Posey, Julian Acosta, Lisa Marie, Brandon Cruz, Gabriel Pimentel, John 5, Piggy D, Roger W. Morrissey, Barbara Crampton, Michael Shamus Wiles, Dustin Quick, James Messersmith, Troy, Ernest Thomas, Carlos del Valle, Clint Howard, Camille Keaton, Udo Kier, Richard Lynch, Daniel Roebuck, Christopher Knight, Christine Ames, Diana Hart, Silvia Moore, Maria Olsen, Judy Thompson, Jobeth Wagner, Jason Blum, Michael Brigante, Jeanette Brill, Bailey Conway, Andy Gould, Jessica L Hall, Brian Kavanaugh-Jones, Oren Peli, Jeremy Platt, Steven Schneider, Griffin Boice, Brandon Trost, Glenn Garland, Monika Mikkelsen, Jennifer Spence, Lori Mazuer, Leah Butler, Megan Brown, Michelle Chung, Richard Evans, Wayne Toth, Laura Altmann, Phillip Dawe, Rick Osako, Kenneth Donaldson, Danny Giles, James MOran, Marc Newland, Laura Altmann, Renetta G Amador, Keith Blomberg, Eric Fleischman, Vanessa Grayson, Nicole Kreuzer, Megan Lurty, Murray Miller, Christopher Perez, Chelsea Peters, Alex Saks, Adam Stone, Cat Stone, David Thornsberry, Bob Weber, Emily Weithman, Lee Anna Winhoffer, Mandy YaegerI have not been up for the writing of things. 

People die.

It’s what we are supposed to do.

When we are old and shaking, pooping pants and falling over, forgetting who you are but remembering what should be un-remembered – it is time to die.

I get this.

Sometimes, cancer lands on your face and God wants your chin.

Death is close then.

Just ask Roger Ebert.

My eyes had the squirts like a little girl when his death arrived.

He was my hero – watch him as he goes (thank you Foo Fighters!)  Even with a giant Kossu mouth swallow and lung bag full of kush, my writing was never like The Ebert.

He was the shit.  Read this (http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/to-the-wonder-2013) and then choke on your “Ebert was not the shit” argument.

Yes… choke on it.

Like a choking little bitch.

I’ll wait.

Now for a review.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo on Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Roger Ebert, The Lords of Salem, Rob Zombie, Sheri Moon Zombie, Bruce Davidson, Jeff Daniel Phillips, Judy Geeson, Meg Foster, Patrica Quinn, Ken Foree, Dee Wallace, Maria Conchita Alonso, Richard Fancy, Andrew Prine, Michael Berryman, Sid Haig, Bonita Friedericy, Nancy Linehan Charles, Flo Lawrence, Brynn Horrocks, Suzanne Voss, Susan Gray, Torsten Voges, Niko Posey, Julian Acosta, Lisa Marie, Brandon Cruz, Gabriel Pimentel, John 5, Piggy D, Roger W. Morrissey, Barbara Crampton, Michael Shamus Wiles, Dustin Quick, James Messersmith, Troy, Ernest Thomas, Carlos del Valle, Clint Howard, Camille Keaton, Udo Kier, Richard Lynch, Daniel Roebuck, Christopher Knight, Christine Ames, Diana Hart, Silvia Moore, Maria Olsen, Judy Thompson, Jobeth Wagner, Jason Blum, Michael Brigante, Jeanette Brill, Bailey Conway, Andy Gould, Jessica L Hall, Brian Kavanaugh-Jones, Oren Peli, Jeremy Platt, Steven Schneider, Griffin Boice, Brandon Trost, Glenn Garland, Monika Mikkelsen, Jennifer Spence, Lori Mazuer, Leah Butler, Megan Brown, Michelle Chung, Richard Evans, Wayne Toth, Laura Altmann, Phillip Dawe, Rick Osako, Kenneth Donaldson, Danny Giles, James MOran, Marc Newland, Laura Altmann, Renetta G Amador, Keith Blomberg, Eric Fleischman, Vanessa Grayson, Nicole Kreuzer, Megan Lurty, Murray Miller, Christopher Perez, Chelsea Peters, Alex Saks, Adam Stone, Cat Stone, David Thornsberry, Bob Weber, Emily Weithman, Lee Anna Winhoffer, Mandy YaegerThe Lords of Salem

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

Rob Zombie is not the man his name says he is to be.

Not an extra in the great TV show “The Dead Are Walking Around.”  Not stuck in Jamaican voodoo haze, much like myself when brain is high centered on the speed bump of sweet, sweet bong smoke (that I love, even with the drool-face I make).

No.

Zombie makes movies.

Some good. Some bad.

Most good-bad existing side by side, like a twin – with no skin sharing.

Now Mr. Zombie is back with “The Lords of Salem.”

The good? Sherri Moon Zombie.

Although she is getting long teeth, she still can stir my man thing and start the underwear party.

Her acting is really not anything. Nothing better (her hotness remains), nothing worse (the underwear party continues).

She plays a DJ who is given the wax for spinning from Satan’s house band. This brings evil because it plays itself backwards (which in days of the past would kill Paul McCartney – if only now it would result in immediate Justin Beiber death… that would be cool).

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo on Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Roger Ebert, The Lords of Salem, Rob Zombie, Sheri Moon Zombie, Bruce Davidson, Jeff Daniel Phillips, Judy Geeson, Meg Foster, Patrica Quinn, Ken Foree, Dee Wallace, Maria Conchita Alonso, Richard Fancy, Andrew Prine, Michael Berryman, Sid Haig, Bonita Friedericy, Nancy Linehan Charles, Flo Lawrence, Brynn Horrocks, Suzanne Voss, Susan Gray, Torsten Voges, Niko Posey, Julian Acosta, Lisa Marie, Brandon Cruz, Gabriel Pimentel, John 5, Piggy D, Roger W. Morrissey, Barbara Crampton, Michael Shamus Wiles, Dustin Quick, James Messersmith, Troy, Ernest Thomas, Carlos del Valle, Clint Howard, Camille Keaton, Udo Kier, Richard Lynch, Daniel Roebuck, Christopher Knight, Christine Ames, Diana Hart, Silvia Moore, Maria Olsen, Judy Thompson, Jobeth Wagner, Jason Blum, Michael Brigante, Jeanette Brill, Bailey Conway, Andy Gould, Jessica L Hall, Brian Kavanaugh-Jones, Oren Peli, Jeremy Platt, Steven Schneider, Griffin Boice, Brandon Trost, Glenn Garland, Monika Mikkelsen, Jennifer Spence, Lori Mazuer, Leah Butler, Megan Brown, Michelle Chung, Richard Evans, Wayne Toth, Laura Altmann, Phillip Dawe, Rick Osako, Kenneth Donaldson, Danny Giles, James MOran, Marc Newland, Laura Altmann, Renetta G Amador, Keith Blomberg, Eric Fleischman, Vanessa Grayson, Nicole Kreuzer, Megan Lurty, Murray Miller, Christopher Perez, Chelsea Peters, Alex Saks, Adam Stone, Cat Stone, David Thornsberry, Bob Weber, Emily Weithman, Lee Anna Winhoffer, Mandy YaegerThe band gets back together, but VH1 Classic is not to be seen. There is Hell to pay. Pay to play – and the like. 

Zombie makes us for the creep with skin crawling in ways that it wasn’t meant to crawl. Evil is abounding. Death is cheap and easily available.

If for a plot you give shit then go see “Oblivion” (since it has plots taken from every sci-fi movie ever made).

If you want a scare to smack your brain until you squirt in to your chonies – this is the poop squirter for you.

So, my thumbs are confused. When compared to good movies, this is not good.

When compared to others in the horror held up to comparison? Good.

Damn good.

So, since you are reading this you give a horror crap. So go see “The Lords of Salem.”

Before the seeing, do NOT inhale too much of the beautiful smoke.  Paranoia will explode your head.

You have been warned.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Reese Witherspoon, Water For Elephants, Robert Pattinson, Christoph Waltz, Paul Schneider, Jim Norton, Hal Holbrook, Mark Povinelli, Richard Brake, Stephen Monroe Taylor, Ken Foree, Scott MacDonald, James Frain, Sam Anderson, John Aylward, Brad Greenquist, Tim Guinee, Donna W. Scott, E.E. Bell, Kyle Jordan, Aleksandra Kaniak, Ilia Volok, Bruce Gray, Jim Jansen, James Keane, Ivo Nandi, Karynn Moore, Andrew Connolly, Doug McDougal, Tracy Phillips Rowan O'Hara, Water for Elephants, Tai, Uggie, Ice, Sita Acevedo, Danny Castle, Michael Coronas, Aloysia Gavre, Francis Lawrence, Andrew R. Tennenbaum, Erwin Stoff, Gil Netter, Kevin Halloran, Alan Edward Bell, Ana Maria Quintana, Chad Holmes, David Crank, Denise Chamian, Molly Allen, Sasha Veneziano, Kimmo MustonenenKimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S.  The world is back-assward. Ebert is dead. Rex Reed still breaths (and wastes) perfectly good oxygen. Depeche Mode (for a bunch of pansy-men whining like babies with tiny baby problems) got one right – listen to “Blasphemous Rumors” and think on this. Rex Reed lives. Son of a bitch.

Please list the best film smart guy reviewer people for the best reading in my future in the Comments below.

P.P.S. “Game of Thrones” is a cooler movie on TV than most movies that are movies. With boobs. Damn!

3 comments

  1. Zombie RULEZ! · April 19, 2013

    I am prepared.

  2. Megan R. · April 19, 2013

    Awesome review Kimmo. You freaking rock!

  3. yahoo mail login · April 19

    Gotta watch this movie after reading your review. I’m so curious.