The Great Gatsby [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, The Great Gatsby, Baz Luhrmann, Craig Pearce, F Scott Fitzgerald, Lisa Adam, Frank Adridge, Amitabh Bachchan, Steve Bisley, Richard Carter, Jason Clarke, Adelaide Clemens, Vince Colosimo, Max Cullen, Mal Day, Elizabeth Debicki, Leonardo DiCaprio, Joel Edgerton, Emmanuel Ekwenski, Eden Falk, Isla Fisher, Emily Foreman, Tiger Leacey Wyvill, Charlize Skinner, Garrett William Fountain, David Furlong, Daniel Gill, Iota, Price Johnson, Stephen James King, Goran D Kleut, Kim Knuckey, Barrie Laws, Mark Lemon, John Maumau, Brendan Maclean, Tobey Maguire, Callan McAuliffe, Ben McIvor, Hamish Michael, Brian Rooney, Kevin McGlothan, Nick Meenahan, Olga Miller, Heather Mitchell, Gus Murray, Kate Mulvany, Barry Otto, John O'Connell, Corey Blake Owers, Tasman Palazzi, Brenton Prince, Bryan Probets, Milan Pulvermacher, Alfred Quinten, Ghardir Rajab, Jake Ryan, John Sheenin, Nicholas Simpson, Kasla Stelmach, Nick Tate, Jack Thompson, Kieran Van Bunnik, Sylvana Vandertouw, Gemma Ward, Matthew Whittet, Felix Williamson, Bill Young, Nancy Denis, Kahlia Greksa, Karinna Greksa, Natasha Marconi, Jacklyn Seymour, Briden Aspinall, Charles Bartley, Veronica Beattie, Kane Bonke, Kirby  Burgess, Henry Byalikov, Thomas Egan, Danielle Evrat, Ryan Gonzalez, Lyndell Harradine, Sophie Rose Holloway, Michelle Hopper, James May, Zac McAliece, Lara Mulcahy, Mikaela Smith, Alex Stewart, Romina Villafranca, Mitchell Woodcock, Kaylie Yee, Tiana Canterbury, Morgan Choice, Eden Dessalegn, Elenoa Rokobaro, Lisa Viola, Betsy Effie Nikrumah, Thabang Baloyi, Alison Benstead, Joel Amos Byrnes, Elliott Colinson, Arthur Dignam, Simon Edds, Conor Fogarty, Nigel Harbach, Jacek Koman, Alex Lissine, Corey Mills, Stefan MOgel, Jey Osman, Kai Pantano, Drew Pearson, Chris Proctor, Eddie Ritchard, Alexander Roberts, Roger Adam Smith, Bruce Berman, Lucy Fisher, Jaz-Z, Catherine Knapman, Catherine Martin, Anton Monsted, Barrie M Osborne, Douglas Wick, Craig Armstrong, Simon Duggan, Jason Ballantine, Jonathan Redmond, Matt Villa, Nikki Barrett, Ronna Kress, Damien Drew, Ian Gracie, Michael Turner, Bill Draper, Afnahn Khan, Peter Neil, Lehi Tahau, Alex Taussig, Maree Cochrane, Luke Doolan, Nash Edgerton, Leon Stripp, Simon Allan, Sian Bates, Mark Jeffries, Luca Byrne, Angela Cerasi, Vanessa Taylor, Tim Weyers, Craig Beckett, Tony Blondell, Adam Grace, Jes Anderson, Kira Bohn, James Bramley, Lisa Breitman, Sam Bromell, Alex Cardy, James Carrick, Kieran Cato, Merilyn Cook, Lauren Cooper, Isabella Cramp, Matt Cranleigh, Tony Cypres, Chloe Donaldson, Robert Eberfein, Guy Efrat, Hannah English, Jason Huberman, Drew Johnson, Richard Keeshan, Geoff Kelly, Jon Kuyper, April Lamb, Hamish Mason, Khanya Mikhize, Tim MOnich, Sophie Mullen, Padraic Murphy, Laura Nagy, Bruce Rieck, Sam Smith, Blake Temacz, Robert Threadgold, Anwyn Watkins, Taris Tyler, John O'Connell, Stephanie Scott, Kane Senes, Shay Spencer, Matthew Webb, Ardeshir RadpourThe Great Gatbsy

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I have a changing of ways.

Too many movies have been battered by the tongues and other mouth parts of reviewers around me at screenings for the press.

My colleagues are dark clouds that also think they are smart clouds.

No fun.

They aren’t even clouds!

I went out to see a movie, paying with my own treasure, and sat amongst you people for thinking that my eye holes would see like your eye holes – that there would be no darkness.

I was stupid.

My first sadness – I have to see “The Great Gatsby” by über-hack Baz Luhrmann. He is stuck in most rememberings as the man who pulled down his pants, grabbed each butt-cheek, bent over, and sprayed “Moulin Rouge” on movie screens.

I don’t mind. I now know that to un-crapify “Gatsby” I just need to lap up Kossu. Then the real part of reality rips my knowledge – “closed” says the sign on the Theater Bar!

The Theater Bar is closed!

They are having a “We Love You Mr. Gatsby and Baz Luhrmann, too, So We Will Dress Up As Time Travelers From One of Gatsby’s Make Believe Movie Parties” party so… no public in the bar!

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, The Great Gatsby, Baz Luhrmann, Craig Pearce, F Scott Fitzgerald, Lisa Adam, Frank Adridge, Amitabh Bachchan, Steve Bisley, Richard Carter, Jason Clarke, Adelaide Clemens, Vince Colosimo, Max Cullen, Mal Day, Elizabeth Debicki, Leonardo DiCaprio, Joel Edgerton, Emmanuel Ekwenski, Eden Falk, Isla Fisher, Emily Foreman, Tiger Leacey Wyvill, Charlize Skinner, Garrett William Fountain, David Furlong, Daniel Gill, Iota, Price Johnson, Stephen James King, Goran D Kleut, Kim Knuckey, Barrie Laws, Mark Lemon, John Maumau, Brendan Maclean, Tobey Maguire, Callan McAuliffe, Ben McIvor, Hamish Michael, Brian Rooney, Kevin McGlothan, Nick Meenahan, Olga Miller, Heather Mitchell, Gus Murray, Kate Mulvany, Barry Otto, John O'Connell, Corey Blake Owers, Tasman Palazzi, Brenton Prince, Bryan Probets, Milan Pulvermacher, Alfred Quinten, Ghardir Rajab, Jake Ryan, John Sheenin, Nicholas Simpson, Kasla Stelmach, Nick Tate, Jack Thompson, Kieran Van Bunnik, Sylvana Vandertouw, Gemma Ward, Matthew Whittet, Felix Williamson, Bill Young, Nancy Denis, Kahlia Greksa, Karinna Greksa, Natasha Marconi, Jacklyn Seymour, Briden Aspinall, Charles Bartley, Veronica Beattie, Kane Bonke, Kirby Burgess, Henry Byalikov, Thomas Egan, Danielle Evrat, Ryan Gonzalez, Lyndell Harradine, Sophie Rose Holloway, Michelle Hopper, James May, Zac McAliece, Lara Mulcahy, Mikaela Smith, Alex Stewart, Romina Villafranca, Mitchell Woodcock, Kaylie Yee, Tiana Canterbury, Morgan Choice, Eden Dessalegn, Elenoa Rokobaro, Lisa Viola, Betsy Effie Nikrumah, Thabang Baloyi, Alison Benstead, Joel Amos Byrnes, Elliott Colinson, Arthur Dignam, Simon Edds, Conor Fogarty, Nigel Harbach, Jacek Koman, Alex Lissine, Corey Mills, Stefan MOgel, Jey Osman, Kai Pantano, Drew Pearson, Chris Proctor, Eddie Ritchard, Alexander Roberts, Roger Adam Smith, Bruce Berman, Lucy Fisher, Jaz-Z, Catherine Knapman, Catherine Martin, Anton Monsted, Barrie M Osborne, Douglas Wick, Craig Armstrong, Simon Duggan, Jason Ballantine, Jonathan Redmond, Matt Villa, Nikki Barrett, Ronna Kress, Damien Drew, Ian Gracie, Michael Turner, Bill Draper, Afnahn Khan, Peter Neil, Lehi Tahau, Alex Taussig, Maree Cochrane, Luke Doolan, Nash Edgerton, Leon Stripp, Simon Allan, Sian Bates, Mark Jeffries, Luca Byrne, Angela Cerasi, Vanessa Taylor, Tim Weyers, Craig Beckett, Tony Blondell, Adam Grace, Jes Anderson, Kira Bohn, James Bramley, Lisa Breitman, Sam Bromell, Alex Cardy, James Carrick, Kieran Cato, Merilyn Cook, Lauren Cooper, Isabella Cramp, Matt Cranleigh, Tony Cypres, Chloe Donaldson, Robert Eberfein, Guy Efrat, Hannah English, Jason Huberman, Drew Johnson, Richard Keeshan, Geoff Kelly, Jon Kuyper, April Lamb, Hamish Mason, Khanya Mikhize, Tim MOnich, Sophie Mullen, Padraic Murphy, Laura Nagy, Bruce Rieck, Sam Smith, Blake Temacz, Robert Threadgold, Anwyn Watkins, Taris Tyler, John O'Connell, Stephanie Scott, Kane Senes, Shay Spencer, Matthew Webb, Ardeshir RadpourThat is me! Madness! Anarchy!

I mind thoughts are now limp. No Kossu – my heart will have no armor and will be in pain.

Terrible pain.

Note to American Women – in the 1920′s, flapper women had no extra skin. They had a Depression coming and so practiced starving. They were hot as smoke in little flapper dresses.

Modern women have become hippos with the sucking of McDonald’s meat in through their lip gap. My eyes were scorched by a 21st Century flapper herd moving through the lobby.

There was flapping – but it was giant arm sausages flapping against other bare skin.

So never, in my life time, dress this way again.

Now a review.

Baz Luhrmann had someone say, “Hey Baz! Let me tell you about a book my eyes read to me long ago! It is romantic. So listen to my mouth repeat it…”

So Baz never read the book.

The story opens with a sad Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) being sad because he ran out of alcohol.

So he goes to a Sad Home and makes a Doctor listen to his bitching about rich people.

His brain wanders through history to a feminine product commercial with lots of curtains getting wind blown and sees his cousin Daisy Duke (Carey Mulligan – cute, but too much clothing).  Her husband is a dick, so Peter goes to a party next door at Gay Disneyland Heaven – wanting the meet The Great Gatsby.

He does.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, The Great Gatsby, Baz Luhrmann, Craig Pearce, F Scott Fitzgerald, Lisa Adam, Frank Adridge, Amitabh Bachchan, Steve Bisley, Richard Carter, Jason Clarke, Adelaide Clemens, Vince Colosimo, Max Cullen, Mal Day, Elizabeth Debicki, Leonardo DiCaprio, Joel Edgerton, Emmanuel Ekwenski, Eden Falk, Isla Fisher, Emily Foreman, Tiger Leacey Wyvill, Charlize Skinner, Garrett William Fountain, David Furlong, Daniel Gill, Iota, Price Johnson, Stephen James King, Goran D Kleut, Kim Knuckey, Barrie Laws, Mark Lemon, John Maumau, Brendan Maclean, Tobey Maguire, Callan McAuliffe, Ben McIvor, Hamish Michael, Brian Rooney, Kevin McGlothan, Nick Meenahan, Olga Miller, Heather Mitchell, Gus Murray, Kate Mulvany, Barry Otto, John O'Connell, Corey Blake Owers, Tasman Palazzi, Brenton Prince, Bryan Probets, Milan Pulvermacher, Alfred Quinten, Ghardir Rajab, Jake Ryan, John Sheenin, Nicholas Simpson, Kasla Stelmach, Nick Tate, Jack Thompson, Kieran Van Bunnik, Sylvana Vandertouw, Gemma Ward, Matthew Whittet, Felix Williamson, Bill Young, Nancy Denis, Kahlia Greksa, Karinna Greksa, Natasha Marconi, Jacklyn Seymour, Briden Aspinall, Charles Bartley, Veronica Beattie, Kane Bonke, Kirby  Burgess, Henry Byalikov, Thomas Egan, Danielle Evrat, Ryan Gonzalez, Lyndell Harradine, Sophie Rose Holloway, Michelle Hopper, James May, Zac McAliece, Lara Mulcahy, Mikaela Smith, Alex Stewart, Romina Villafranca, Mitchell Woodcock, Kaylie Yee, Tiana Canterbury, Morgan Choice, Eden Dessalegn, Elenoa Rokobaro, Lisa Viola, Betsy Effie Nikrumah, Thabang Baloyi, Alison Benstead, Joel Amos Byrnes, Elliott Colinson, Arthur Dignam, Simon Edds, Conor Fogarty, Nigel Harbach, Jacek Koman, Alex Lissine, Corey Mills, Stefan MOgel, Jey Osman, Kai Pantano, Drew Pearson, Chris Proctor, Eddie Ritchard, Alexander Roberts, Roger Adam Smith, Bruce Berman, Lucy Fisher, Jaz-Z, Catherine Knapman, Catherine Martin, Anton Monsted, Barrie M Osborne, Douglas Wick, Craig Armstrong, Simon Duggan, Jason Ballantine, Jonathan Redmond, Matt Villa, Nikki Barrett, Ronna Kress, Damien Drew, Ian Gracie, Michael Turner, Bill Draper, Afnahn Khan, Peter Neil, Lehi Tahau, Alex Taussig, Maree Cochrane, Luke Doolan, Nash Edgerton, Leon Stripp, Simon Allan, Sian Bates, Mark Jeffries, Luca Byrne, Angela Cerasi, Vanessa Taylor, Tim Weyers, Craig Beckett, Tony Blondell, Adam Grace, Jes Anderson, Kira Bohn, James Bramley, Lisa Breitman, Sam Bromell, Alex Cardy, James Carrick, Kieran Cato, Merilyn Cook, Lauren Cooper, Isabella Cramp, Matt Cranleigh, Tony Cypres, Chloe Donaldson, Robert Eberfein, Guy Efrat, Hannah English, Jason Huberman, Drew Johnson, Richard Keeshan, Geoff Kelly, Jon Kuyper, April Lamb, Hamish Mason, Khanya Mikhize, Tim MOnich, Sophie Mullen, Padraic Murphy, Laura Nagy, Bruce Rieck, Sam Smith, Blake Temacz, Robert Threadgold, Anwyn Watkins, Taris Tyler, John O'Connell, Stephanie Scott, Kane Senes, Shay Spencer, Matthew Webb, Ardeshir RadpourThen the fever dream (still very feverish) takes Peter on Mr. Gatsby’s Wild Ride (coming soon to Baz Luhrmann’s Gay Disneyland Heaven with even more CGI and 3-D!) and eat lunch at a barber shop that serves lobster (covered with tribbles and fine herbs – this shit is not made up).

A time travel band from 2013 plays music that makes no sense.

At this point – there is great joy… I found an old joint in my jacket pocket of “contraband-and-fun-times” and inhaled the sweet, sweet smoke from my mouth and into my mind-brain while in the Men’s Crapper – then bought Hot Tamales and a large Coke.

Because of my lucky joint, the last 40 minutes wasn’t too much suck.

Leonardo DiCaprio did not stink. He now looks almost 16 in human years, but was not as good as recently in “Unchain Django!”

There were other actors.

And car chases I remember making up in my “Only I See It” world in my mind when I was 5.

There was a cute dog eating from a plate.

And whores – and politicians (these are the same).

So, one thumb, saying with much relief, “Thank you Odin – this was not the great brain rape that was Moulin Rouge!”

The other thumb saying, “Mr. Luhrmann – if you are going to steal ideas, steal good ones – better movie for everyone!”

Both thumbs were much recovered in happiness when the smoke finally calmed all to calmness. If only I had Kossu in the first times and not had my vision assaulted by flapper cows.

At least they didn’t “moo” for Leonardo…

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Reese Witherspoon, Water For Elephants, Robert Pattinson, Christoph Waltz, Paul Schneider, Jim Norton, Hal Holbrook, Mark Povinelli, Richard Brake, Stephen Monroe Taylor, Ken Foree, Scott MacDonald, James Frain, Sam Anderson, John Aylward, Brad Greenquist, Tim Guinee, Donna W. Scott, E.E. Bell, Kyle Jordan, Aleksandra Kaniak, Ilia Volok, Bruce Gray, Jim Jansen, James Keane, Ivo Nandi, Karynn Moore, Andrew Connolly, Doug McDougal, Tracy Phillips Rowan O'Hara, Water for Elephants, Tai, Uggie, Ice, Sita Acevedo, Danny Castle, Michael Coronas, Aloysia Gavre, Francis Lawrence, Andrew R. Tennenbaum, Erwin Stoff, Gil Netter, Kevin Halloran, Alan Edward Bell, Ana Maria Quintana, Chad Holmes, David Crank, Denise Chamian, Molly Allen, Sasha Veneziano, Kimmo MustonenenKimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S.  There is much for hoping! A better “Gatsby” is in the future – and a music filled musical!  See the early rehearsals for “That’s Gatsby” and purge your brain of Luhrmann-cheese.

You’re welcome.

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Comments

  1. Zagnut on May 10, 2013 at 11:45 am said:

    I KNEW that’s how he made Moulin Rouge!

  2. Megan R. on May 10, 2013 at 12:02 pm said:

    I knew this movie was going to suck! Thanks Kimmo.

  3. Eric V on May 10, 2013 at 12:49 pm said:

    Flappers, tribbles, future music, and a sad Peter Parker?! Kimmo, this sounds like the best movie ever! I probably won’t see it though. You know what? Iron Man 3 could have used tribbles. I’ll see it again and imagine the Mandarin unleashing millions of flesh eating tribbles in major cities.

    Keep up the great work, Kimmo. You’re an inspiration to us all. Sorry your eye holes have to endure so much suck in between the actual good movies.

  4. Nice review Kyrle. As a movie in general, you aren’t missing a whole lot.

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