I, Frankenstein [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo On Kino, I Frankenstein, Stuart Beattie, Kevin Grevioux, Mary Shelley, Aaron Eckhart, Yvonne Strahovski, Miranda Otto, Bill Nighy, Jal Courtney, Socratis Otto, Aden Young, Catlin Stasey, Mahesh Jadu, Steve Mouzakis, Nicholas Bell, Deniz Aldeniz, Chris Pang, Kevin Grevious, Bruce Spence, Virginie Le Brun, Penny Higgs, Goran D Kleut, Yasca Sinigaglia, Nicole Downs, John Reynolds, Rick Tonna, Craig Brookshaw, Bryce Hardy, Marky Lee Campbell, Warwick Sadler, Robbie Clissold, Jack Fieguth, Michael Peace, Sherrydayne Taela, Chris Anderson, Jim Petropoulos, Paul Allica, Armanda Dyar, Angela Kennedy, Minel Louis, Diezel Ramos, Samantha Reed, Luke Wright, David Kern, Gary Luccesi, Troy Lum, Andrew Mason, James McQuaide, Eric Reid, Tom Rosenberg, Richard Wright, Reinhold Heil, Johnny Klimek, Ross Emery, Marcus D'Arcy, Michelle McGahey, Brian Edmonds, Simon McCutcheon, Vanessa Cerne, Rolland Pike, Cappi Ireland, Katherine Brown, Anne Bruning, Yvonne Collins, Jason Pomerantz, Todd Embling, Damien M Grant, Chamoine Kuhn, Erin Lander, Brad Martin, Alex Reid, Greg Spiller, Kirsten Anderson, Yulia Akerholt, Michael Babcock, Glenn Butler, Leah Katz, Megan Wedge, Tara Webb, Roni Pillscher, Gabrielle Healy, Celeste Blewitt, Simon Alberry, Monty Bass, Des Carey, Tricia Chiarenza, Siggy Fersti, Matthew Goddard, Ben JOss, Aaron Kroger, Daniel Baker, Craig Beckett, Justin Bell, Glenn Goldby, Daniel Bavell, Stephen Brett, Luke Bride, Rose Damon, Tom Davies, John Fox, Salim Ftouni, Dave Gumbrell, Michael J Harker, Vicki Higgins, Matt Hodgkinson, Anthea Kondos, Mark Korshak, Kristin Kruger, Tabitha Lancaster, Fiono Landreth, Melanie Lawrence, Alexei Mizin, Hart Moussa, Sarah Newman, Chris O Connell, Christina Pallot, Joe Pampanella, Stanko Peric, Katharine Phyn, Andy Poulter, Drew Rhodes, Stephen Rutter, Harriet Spalding, Ben Steel, Rachel Steele, Molly Tomkins, BJ Turner, Michael YoussefI, Frankenstein

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

The cinema is big and of beautiful.

So is life.

But life is realer.

Can it be more real than when Olli, my beloved old brother, had two weeks ago his life mud suddenly stop in his heart, with heart pain, almost become a time for him to party with Jesus?

THAT is realer than real.

Olli lives, but no more bacon and Kossu.

The hearing of this almost made my life mud stop.

No bacon or Kossu is not for a happy living.

It is not life at all.

Like “I, Frankenstein” is not a movie at all.

No.

Too many movie films are just like my Friday nights – I take the sweet, sweet smoke then I slurp the lovely Kossu into my stomach place followed by Jalapeno Cheddar Cheetos.

Then I watch my goddamn roommate (Brad, you are not goddamned if you stop eating my peanut butter, OK?) play “Demon Kill Fun Time IV” on the X-box because my hands are too wasted for playing.

When I watch the game “Demon Kill Fun Time IV” I think my eyeballs see “Underworld” or “Underworld VI” or any in between for there are many.

But I am wrong.

And Aaron Eckhart is not Kate Beckinsale.

And that gives me the sadness.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo On Kino, I Frankenstein, Stuart Beattie, Kevin Grevioux, Mary Shelley, Aaron Eckhart, Yvonne Strahovski, Miranda Otto, Bill Nighy, Jal Courtney, Socratis Otto, Aden Young, Catlin Stasey, Mahesh Jadu, Steve Mouzakis, Nicholas Bell, Deniz Aldeniz, Chris Pang, Kevin Grevious, Bruce Spence, Virginie Le Brun, Penny Higgs, Goran D Kleut, Yasca Sinigaglia, Nicole Downs, John Reynolds, Rick Tonna, Craig Brookshaw, Bryce Hardy, Marky Lee Campbell, Warwick Sadler, Robbie Clissold, Jack Fieguth, Michael Peace, Sherrydayne Taela, Chris Anderson, Jim Petropoulos, Paul Allica, Armanda Dyar, Angela Kennedy, Minel Louis, Diezel Ramos, Samantha Reed, Luke Wright, David Kern, Gary Luccesi, Troy Lum, Andrew Mason, James McQuaide, Eric Reid, Tom Rosenberg, Richard Wright, Reinhold Heil, Johnny Klimek, Ross Emery, Marcus D'Arcy, Michelle McGahey, Brian Edmonds, Simon McCutcheon, Vanessa Cerne, Rolland Pike, Cappi Ireland, Katherine Brown, Anne Bruning, Yvonne Collins, Jason Pomerantz, Todd Embling, Damien M Grant, Chamoine Kuhn, Erin Lander, Brad Martin, Alex Reid, Greg Spiller, Kirsten Anderson, Yulia Akerholt, Michael Babcock, Glenn Butler, Leah Katz, Megan Wedge, Tara Webb, Roni Pillscher, Gabrielle Healy, Celeste Blewitt, Simon Alberry, Monty Bass, Des Carey, Tricia Chiarenza, Siggy Fersti, Matthew Goddard, Ben JOss, Aaron Kroger, Daniel Baker, Craig Beckett, Justin Bell, Glenn Goldby, Daniel Bavell, Stephen Brett, Luke Bride, Rose Damon, Tom Davies, John Fox, Salim Ftouni, Dave Gumbrell, Michael J Harker, Vicki Higgins, Matt Hodgkinson, Anthea Kondos, Mark Korshak, Kristin Kruger, Tabitha Lancaster, Fiono Landreth, Melanie Lawrence, Alexei Mizin, Hart Moussa, Sarah Newman, Chris O Connell, Christina Pallot, Joe Pampanella, Stanko Peric, Katharine Phyn, Andy Poulter, Drew Rhodes, Stephen Rutter, Harriet Spalding, Ben Steel, Rachel Steele, Molly Tomkins, BJ Turner, Michael YoussefPlot? Uh, sure.

Frankenstein (Aaron Eckhart again) is still the Frankenstein we remember.

This lasts for a minute.

While digging a grave he finds a demon disco and the demons want his ass. Stoner gargoyles make him saved!

Then gargoyles (with Amanda Otto leader) and demons (with Shaun’s stepfather Bill Nighy) are said to be in epic fight (definitely not vampires and werewolves, that would be unoriginal!) that has lasted through history and longer than the runtime of this shit storm film.

Or so it feels.

Then to the now. Terra (Yvonne Strahovski) is playing with rats – it is Hollywood, am I right?!?

BAM!!!

And the rat playing is in a laboratory above Dead Demons Who Need Souls Disneyland.

And the demons want Frankenstein’s secret for his perfect jaw. The gargoyles don’t think demons should have jaws of perfection.

Epic battles follow. Who wins?

Wait two months and see this on Netflix. Of if it makes the large bags of money cash, see the next 5 Frankenstein films if you have nothing in your life worth doing.

Dear Hollywood: Just because you say demons are not vampires and gargoyles are not lycans and give the same funny face make-up and bad CGI to movies with darkness and creepy electronic music does not make you original.

Sometimes, there needs be something new – called this new thing is in Finland called A STORY.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo On Kino, I Frankenstein, Stuart Beattie, Kevin Grevioux, Mary Shelley, Aaron Eckhart, Yvonne Strahovski, Miranda Otto, Bill Nighy, Jal Courtney, Socratis Otto, Aden Young, Catlin Stasey, Mahesh Jadu, Steve Mouzakis, Nicholas Bell, Deniz Aldeniz, Chris Pang, Kevin Grevious, Bruce Spence, Virginie Le Brun, Penny Higgs, Goran D Kleut, Yasca Sinigaglia, Nicole Downs, John Reynolds, Rick Tonna, Craig Brookshaw, Bryce Hardy, Marky Lee Campbell, Warwick Sadler, Robbie Clissold, Jack Fieguth, Michael Peace, Sherrydayne Taela, Chris Anderson, Jim Petropoulos, Paul Allica, Armanda Dyar, Angela Kennedy, Minel Louis, Diezel Ramos, Samantha Reed, Luke Wright, David Kern, Gary Luccesi, Troy Lum, Andrew Mason, James McQuaide, Eric Reid, Tom Rosenberg, Richard Wright, Reinhold Heil, Johnny Klimek, Ross Emery, Marcus D'Arcy, Michelle McGahey, Brian Edmonds, Simon McCutcheon, Vanessa Cerne, Rolland Pike, Cappi Ireland, Katherine Brown, Anne Bruning, Yvonne Collins, Jason Pomerantz, Todd Embling, Damien M Grant, Chamoine Kuhn, Erin Lander, Brad Martin, Alex Reid, Greg Spiller, Kirsten Anderson, Yulia Akerholt, Michael Babcock, Glenn Butler, Leah Katz, Megan Wedge, Tara Webb, Roni Pillscher, Gabrielle Healy, Celeste Blewitt, Simon Alberry, Monty Bass, Des Carey, Tricia Chiarenza, Siggy Fersti, Matthew Goddard, Ben JOss, Aaron Kroger, Daniel Baker, Craig Beckett, Justin Bell, Glenn Goldby, Daniel Bavell, Stephen Brett, Luke Bride, Rose Damon, Tom Davies, John Fox, Salim Ftouni, Dave Gumbrell, Michael J Harker, Vicki Higgins, Matt Hodgkinson, Anthea Kondos, Mark Korshak, Kristin Kruger, Tabitha Lancaster, Fiono Landreth, Melanie Lawrence, Alexei Mizin, Hart Moussa, Sarah Newman, Chris O Connell, Christina Pallot, Joe Pampanella, Stanko Peric, Katharine Phyn, Andy Poulter, Drew Rhodes, Stephen Rutter, Harriet Spalding, Ben Steel, Rachel Steele, Molly Tomkins, BJ Turner, Michael YoussefThe story must be for the first time telling. The otherwise, you have nothing but steaming poop.

Steaming poop that we have seen.

Steaming poop that is losing its steam.

And without steam, poop is just a pile of “I, Frankenstein.”

So, two thumbs that don’t want to be around cold poop. 

Aaron Eckhart is not Kate Beckinsale. But then, there is no other Kate Beckinsale to be had – this is truth.

I have watched this video game before.

On my TV.

Played by my roommate Brad.

With better graphics.

And more original story, even when all I do is suck my Cheetos, gargle my Kossu, and breathe the smoke.

Heaven, really, on earth and my apartment. But not in the cinema.

There is nothing there but my butt getting sore.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Reese Witherspoon, Water For Elephants, Robert Pattinson, Christoph Waltz, Paul Schneider, Jim Norton, Hal Holbrook, Mark Povinelli, Richard Brake, Stephen Monroe Taylor, Ken Foree, Scott MacDonald, James Frain, Sam Anderson, John Aylward, Brad Greenquist, Tim Guinee, Donna W. Scott, E.E. Bell, Kyle Jordan, Aleksandra Kaniak, Ilia Volok, Bruce Gray, Jim Jansen, James Keane, Ivo Nandi, Karynn Moore, Andrew Connolly, Doug McDougal, Tracy Phillips Rowan O'Hara, Water for Elephants, Tai, Uggie, Ice, Sita Acevedo, Danny Castle, Michael Coronas, Aloysia Gavre, Francis Lawrence, Andrew R. Tennenbaum, Erwin Stoff, Gil Netter, Kevin Halloran, Alan Edward Bell, Ana Maria Quintana, Chad Holmes, David Crank, Denise Chamian, Molly Allen, Sasha Veneziano, Kimmo MustonenenKimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S.  Dear Olli, if this is for you to read, tell me: Is life really the life without bacon? When your life mud stopped for that time in your muscle heart, did you see Uncle Jaarko? And if so, is he still mad that I owe him money? Tell me the truth, right in to my ear. It can be taken.

P.P.S.  “The Returned” is creepy cool – because it is French no doubt. French are creepy cool that way. And red-head French twins (when legal) are hot, Hot, HOT!!! See it, if you are daring.

P.P.P.S. Brad, if on a peanut butter purchase today, get on the crunchy. Creamy is for the weak.

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Comments

  1. Manfred on January 24, 2014 at 12:01 pm said:

    Thanks Kimmo. Not that I was planning on seeing the thing. And bacon is pretty awesome. Never stop eating the stuff.

  2. Megan R. on January 24, 2014 at 12:20 pm said:

    Yay, Kimmo is back! LOL, this movie is a joke.

  3. Doug with a D on January 24, 2014 at 12:36 pm said:

    HA!

  4. fishnets on January 24, 2014 at 4:23 pm said:

    Bahahha, stick it Miranda Otto! This movie is garbage you deserve! You sucked donkey a$$ in LOTR, turned Eowyn into Eowimp, so no wonder your career went to toilet ever since and I Floppenstein is one step from direct-to-DVD. That’s the next step. BOMB! BOMB! BOMB! Muahahaha! BTW, did you know that Miranda Otto earns her paychecks in Oz by cutting ribbons at store openings? Yep, even conventions have higher standard guuests.

  5. walter on January 25, 2014 at 7:48 am said:

    i guess today is opposite day for me … i liked (not loved, but liked) the movie and thought this review was shyte. kyle is not cinnamon, and that gives me sadness.

  6. Your review made absolutely no sense. You need to find a new hobby my friend.

  7. Alexander on January 26, 2014 at 5:09 pm said:

    Your review is terrible. Learn to get on point and not focus on others related to your life. Plus step it up on giving a mature review.

    Don’t pull the “your a hater” cliche’ because I am telling you the truth.

  8. Eric V on January 30, 2014 at 5:24 pm said:

    So was Two-Face sewn together with other people to make Frankenstein? Is this movie in 3D?

    I believe in Harvey Dent.

  9. If you want to understand bicycles of sports, you have to admit that i really enjoy seeing, humans have a natural urge to kick things. Whether it’s to release frustration, or simply for fun, we do this even without noticing.

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