It Follows [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Behind The Proscenium, It Follows, David Robert Mitchell, Keir Gilchrist, Carollette Phillips. Loren Bass, Olivia Luccardi, Lili Sepe, Maika Monroe, Jake Weary, Daniel Zovatto, Bailey Spry, Debbie Williams, Ruby Harris, Linda Boston, Leisa Pulido, D.J. Oliver, Ingrid Mortimer, Kourtney Bell, Alexyss Spradlin, Mike Lanier, Claire Sloma, Scott Norman, Erin Stone, Joanna Bronson, Don Hails, Ele Bardha, Caitlin Burt, Heather Fairbanks, Christopher Hohman, Rich Vreeland, Joshua Astrachan, Robyn K. Bennett, Mia Chang, P. Jennifer Dana, Frederick W. Green, Rebecca Green, David Kaplan, Corey Large, Alan Pao, Erik Rommesmo, Laura D Smith, Sara AndrewsIt Follows

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

I am still thinking diseases.

First Disney Measles.

And now, something more worse – Shtup Monsters.

One is infecting you in the Disneyland, the other jumps the weenie (or Fort Cootchie if a woman-type) in the back seat of a car (or in parent’s basement – prison sex FTW!).

Yes, Shtup (thanks Jew friends for the word!) Monster.

Crotch Beasts.

Lumbering Junk Ghoul.

Herpes Walker.

Whatever you call it – “It Follows.”

Scariest movie of all time.

Because there is truth in the horror depiction of sex death.

Sex death isn’t having a hockey mask on the face and a machete. Sex death isn’t drowned kid at Camp Bone and Die. Sex death walks everywhere (like a hippy – or a DUI guy) and is usually naked.

And he/she never stops walking. Well, the walking stops when killing starts.

Damn.

Plot?

Oh.

My.

God.

There is a plot.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Behind The Proscenium, It Follows, David Robert Mitchell, Keir Gilchrist, Carollette Phillips. Loren Bass, Olivia Luccardi, Lili Sepe, Maika Monroe, Jake Weary, Daniel Zovatto, Bailey Spry, Debbie Williams, Ruby Harris, Linda Boston, Leisa Pulido, D.J. Oliver, Ingrid Mortimer, Kourtney Bell, Alexyss Spradlin, Mike Lanier, Claire Sloma, Scott Norman, Erin Stone, Joanna Bronson, Don Hails, Ele Bardha, Caitlin Burt, Heather Fairbanks, Christopher Hohman, Rich Vreeland, Joshua Astrachan, Robyn K. Bennett, Mia Chang, P. Jennifer Dana, Frederick W. Green, Rebecca Green, David Kaplan, Corey Large, Alan Pao, Erik Rommesmo, Laura D Smith, Sara Andrews

Jay (Maika Monroe) is sweet good girl who looks great in a one piece. She has friends. Nerd girl (Olivia Luccardi) who would be Daphne in Scooby Doo, Nerd Boy (Keir Gilchrist) who is a probable mix-tape master in 80’s movies, and her not as hot sister Kelly (Lili Sepe).

Jay gets the sex itch and makes the two backed beast with proto-frat boy Hugh (Jake Weary).

All is pretty flowers until Hugh uses hand roofies AFTER sex on Jay’s face and then is to tell poor Jay “I put a monster in your Secret Garden. You must throw this monster on another man’s pork. If you do not a naked woman will walk slowly at you until death.”

Yep.

That happens.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Behind The Proscenium, It Follows, David Robert Mitchell, Keir Gilchrist, Carollette Phillips. Loren Bass, Olivia Luccardi, Lili Sepe, Maika Monroe, Jake Weary, Daniel Zovatto, Bailey Spry, Debbie Williams, Ruby Harris, Linda Boston, Leisa Pulido, D.J. Oliver, Ingrid Mortimer, Kourtney Bell, Alexyss Spradlin, Mike Lanier, Claire Sloma, Scott Norman, Erin Stone, Joanna Bronson, Don Hails, Ele Bardha, Caitlin Burt, Heather Fairbanks, Christopher Hohman, Rich Vreeland, Joshua Astrachan, Robyn K. Bennett, Mia Chang, P. Jennifer Dana, Frederick W. Green, Rebecca Green, David Kaplan, Corey Large, Alan Pao, Erik Rommesmo, Laura D Smith, Sara Andrews

Then Jay and The Gang try to solve the mystery.

This movie is so the awesome that my mind is still scared. The rest of me, too.

Yet, I have horror questions.

Hollywood, are not all horror movies to be found footage? After Blair Witch Projecting, all the Paranorman Activity, Rec, the Cloverfield, and all of that jazzing – a real movie now?

Hollywood, you mess with my Kimmo head more than 3 liters of finest Kossu. But that is digressing.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Behind The Proscenium, It Follows, David Robert Mitchell, Keir Gilchrist, Carollette Phillips. Loren Bass, Olivia Luccardi, Lili Sepe, Maika Monroe, Jake Weary, Daniel Zovatto, Bailey Spry, Debbie Williams, Ruby Harris, Linda Boston, Leisa Pulido, D.J. Oliver, Ingrid Mortimer, Kourtney Bell, Alexyss Spradlin, Mike Lanier, Claire Sloma, Scott Norman, Erin Stone, Joanna Bronson, Don Hails, Ele Bardha, Caitlin Burt, Heather Fairbanks, Christopher Hohman, Rich Vreeland, Joshua Astrachan, Robyn K. Bennett, Mia Chang, P. Jennifer Dana, Frederick W. Green, Rebecca Green, David Kaplan, Corey Large, Alan Pao, Erik Rommesmo, Laura D Smith, Sara Andrews

SPOILER ALERTING!!! Maybe.

Now plot questions. Can Jay pass on death in girl on girl scissor action, or must jizz always be involved?

If Hugh just whacked into trusty sock, would Shtup Monster kill sock before Hugh?

Why is Sex Beast standing naked on the roof, smiling, like a naked on the roof Sex Beast?

SPOILING OVER!!!

So, wow.

Two thumbs up in the sky, afraid of the sex, but wanting all the same. Maika Monroe makes me want to hug her into safety. But only hugging. I have no wants for Phallus Fiend to bend me pretzel-like.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Behind The Proscenium, It Follows, David Robert Mitchell, Keir Gilchrist, Carollette Phillips. Loren Bass, Olivia Luccardi, Lili Sepe, Maika Monroe, Jake Weary, Daniel Zovatto, Bailey Spry, Debbie Williams, Ruby Harris, Linda Boston, Leisa Pulido, D.J. Oliver, Ingrid Mortimer, Kourtney Bell, Alexyss Spradlin, Mike Lanier, Claire Sloma, Scott Norman, Erin Stone, Joanna Bronson, Don Hails, Ele Bardha, Caitlin Burt, Heather Fairbanks, Christopher Hohman, Rich Vreeland, Joshua Astrachan, Robyn K. Bennett, Mia Chang, P. Jennifer Dana, Frederick W. Green, Rebecca Green, David Kaplan, Corey Large, Alan Pao, Erik Rommesmo, Laura D Smith, Sara Andrews

Go to this movie.

Drink, smoke, then lose your bone.

It is worth it.

Show this movie to horny teenagers. They will stop horning.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Reese Witherspoon, Water For Elephants, Robert Pattinson, Christoph Waltz, Paul Schneider, Jim Norton, Hal Holbrook, Mark Povinelli, Richard Brake, Stephen Monroe Taylor, Ken Foree, Scott MacDonald, James Frain, Sam Anderson, John Aylward, Brad Greenquist, Tim Guinee, Donna W. Scott, E.E. Bell, Kyle Jordan, Aleksandra Kaniak, Ilia Volok, Bruce Gray, Jim Jansen, James Keane, Ivo Nandi, Karynn Moore, Andrew Connolly, Doug McDougal, Tracy Phillips Rowan O'Hara, Water for Elephants, Tai, Uggie, Ice, Sita Acevedo, Danny Castle, Michael Coronas, Aloysia Gavre, Francis Lawrence, Andrew R. Tennenbaum, Erwin Stoff, Gil Netter, Kevin Halloran, Alan Edward Bell, Ana Maria Quintana, Chad Holmes, David Crank, Denise Chamian, Molly Allen, Sasha Veneziano, Kimmo MustonenenKimmo Mustonenen – Kimmo On Kino – Behind The Proscenium

P.S.  Iowa State, you are my bracket breaker! I never hear of you until Wednesday, now I hate you losers with the heat of a million suns. There is nothing quite with the stupid as basketball has. Damn.

P.P.S.  “The Returned” was better in France. French are creepy people – that is fact.

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