About a week ago, I gave the Commencement Address at my old high school – Beverly Hills High. I wasn’t going to mention this because it didn’t really go as I had planned – but since the assholes at TMZ posted excerpts without my permission, I thought I would put it up without editorial comment or HEAVY EDITING (which TMZ did in an attempt to make me look ridiculous). Sorry shitbags, you lose. I’m too powerful in this town to to ever be considered ridiculous. So here is my speech in its entirety.
Beverly Hills High School Graduation Ceremony – June 18, 2010
You’ve all managed to do something that I didn’t even come close to doing – graduate high school. And yet, I’m the only one here running a giant media company. What the fuck is up with that?!
[Another huge cheer.]
I dropped out of this school because I wanted to spend more time smoking pot and working to make King Khan the best goddamned rock band in the world. If my father, the horrible Harry Manka, wouldn’t have died (forcing me to take over as head of Manka Bros. Studios when I was 18 years old), we fucking would have been the best goddamned rock band in the world!
[There is a commotion as the Principal attempts to interrupt Mr. Manka. The students boo the Principal and scream "Let him speak!"]
What the fuck…! Don’t handle me, asshole! I’ll shut this dream crusher of a school down!
Now where was I? Fuck it. I’ll just wing it. Uh, there’s only a handful of us powerful media moguls out there – even more if you count Bob Iger and Jeffrey Katzenberg! I don’t count them – ha! Just kidding – Bob Iger and I like to do jigsaw puzzles together.
The decisions us moguls make affect how the world spends its leisure time. If I tell you to go see Super Draculas next month in 3D at an IMAX theater, you’ll go because we can control your fucking minds. We control what makes you laugh and cry and scream and kill. If you try to cross us, we will destroy your lives.
Most of you kids are rich punks much like I was back in the 1970s. Once your parents die, you’ll be set. But that won’t stop you because you all think you’re so fucking great. You all think you’re entitled to everything without working for it. Most of you will start companies that will fail but somehow, through your little cliques of rich buddies and bitches, you’ll keep getting money to fail and fail again. And you won’t care if you fail because it’s all just a fucking game to you!
[The crowd has turned on Mr. Manka and many things are being thrown at the stage. The Principal manages to grab Mr. Manka around the waist.]
Is that it? Am I done?! Fine! I’ll see you all in Hell!
[Mr. Manka is escorted from the stage, flipping off the graduates and crowd with both hands.]
You know what? Upon re-reading this transcript, I stand by my speech and think it’s totally brilliant.