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Mar
26

Manka Bros. To Launch Facebook Killer

Accel Partners, Alan Eustace, Allen Blue, Ann Mather, Arvind Rajan, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Bret Taylor, Chamath Palihapitiya, Chris Hughes, Christopher Cox, Dan Rose, David Drummond, David Ebersman, David Fischer, David Henke, David Kirkpatrick, David Sze, Deep Nishar, Dustin Moskovitz, Eduardo Saverin, Ellen Levy, Elliot Schrage, Emilie Choi, Eric Schmidt, Erika Rottenberg, Gerald Levin, Greylock Partners, HBO, Jean-Luc Vaillant, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, Jim Breyer, Joanna Shields, John Doerr, John Hennessy, Jon Miller, Jonathan Heiliger, Jonathan Rosenberg, Justin Aselage, Katrina Hau, Kevin Eyres, Khan Manka, Li Ka-shing, Lori Goler, Manka Bros., Marc Andreessen, Mark Cuban, Mark Zuckerberg, Matt Cohler, Mike Gamson, Mike Murphy, Mike Schroepfer, MySpace, Nicolas Carlson, Nikesh Arora, OnMedea, Owen Van Natta, Patrick Crane, Patrick Pichette, Paul Buchheit, Paul Madera, Paul Otellini, Peter Thiel, Ram Shriram, Reid Hoffman, Robby Kwok, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Shirley Tilghman, Shona Brown, Steve Cadigan, Steve Patrizi, Steve Sordello, Sumner Redstone, Ted Ullyot, Tony DiSanto, Toy Story 3UPDATE:  Due to the geek dorks at my company who can’t seem to code worth a shit – Caligula has been pushed back to late 2012 (though the following announcement reflecting the excitement surrounding the release remains the same).

Good morning.

This is a very exciting day.

Today, with the full power of the World’s Largest Media Company behind me, I announce Facebook’s reign over the world’s hearts and minds is coming to a horrible, bloody end!

  • No longer will creepy 50 year olds spend hours every day buying little pigs for their digital farms.
  • No longer will last night’s drunken photos greet you first thing in the morning (posted by the one asshole in your group who didn’t drink).
  • No longer will we all have to stare at the same goddamned sunrise on the mastheads of everyone’s Timeline.
  • Oh, yeah, and no longer will your personal information be sold to major media corporations like my own just so we can push our next stupid movie into your news feed. [Manka Bros. Corporate Disclaimer: This last point is TBD.]

No, World, Manka Bros. is your only Friend now – because CALIGULA IS COMING TO SAVE YOU FROM THE SOUL SUCKAGE THAT IS FACEBOOK!

Unfortunately, this morning I can only share with you the proposed logo (see image) and the promise that, yes, indeed, Caligula will kill Facebook.

How?

Through superior engineering, an unmatched global marketing infrastructure and a deep pocketed parent company that isn’t afraid to lose a few Billion to win this fight!

While I can’t give out any details of this exciting new platform, I can assure you that Caligula is already six times better than Facebook.  When it launches, it will be over ten times better.

Mankaneers from 175 countries have been working around the clock for several years preparing for this war.

The ultimate battle for your free time will be joined in 2011 (make that 2012).

Won’t you join us?

Adam Fogelson, Alan Spoon, Alexander von Furstenberg, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Arthur Martinez, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Brad Grey, Brian Roberts, Bryan Lourd, Chase Carey, Craig Smith, David Geffen, David Rosenblatt, Donald R. Keough, Donna Langley, Edgard Bronfman, Electus, Ezra Kucharz, fairy tale movies, Graham Stanton, Greg Blatt, Greg Morrow, Greg Stevens, Gregg Winiarski, Hans Woolley, Harry Sloan, Hey Diddle Diddle, Jason Stewart, Jay Herratti, Jeff Sagansky, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Jill Kennedy, Joanne Hawkins, Joey Levin, John C. Malone, John Ferriter, John Foley, John Malone, Josh Abramson, Jr., Kara Swisher, Khan Manka, Louis Castle, Manka Bros., Mark Stein, Michael Eisner, Michael Schwerdtman, Michael Zeisser, Nikki Finke, Notional, On Medea, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Richard F. Zannino, Rick Finkelstein, Ricky Van Veen, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Scott Garell, Scott Savitz, Shana Fisher, Sharon Waxman, Stacey Snider, Steve Burke, Steve Jobs, Steven Spielberg, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, Thomas J. McInerney, Tina Brown, Tony DiSanto, Victor KaufmanKhan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. StudiosThe World’s Largest Media Company

Permanent link to this article: http://mankabros.com/blogs/chairman/2011/03/26/manka-bros-to-launch-facebook-killer/

27 comments

2 pings

  1. Fitzwilly says:

    I can’t wait! I suck at FarmVille.

  2. Richard Lauren says:

    I am sorry sir, but you will fail if you are building yet another “walled-garden with a difference”.

    You forgot the most important part of any social network is not infrastructure. It is people.

    If you are essentially building spyware, you will fail.

    Distributed social networking with no middlemen is the future. If you are serious about building a better Facebook, get in touch as we have the technology and in 2011 we are taking it to the people with Communicado, a free and 100% distributed alternative.

    Oh and we are a not-for-profit and we give our technology away for free, so what are you waiting for?

  3. Michael Walker says:

    You obviously have no idea what you are talking about. WTF is superior engineering, global infrastructure and a few billion dollars?

    Do you think money and bullshit build social communities? Of course you do!

    Please stop being an idiot and go sip some champagne on your yacht. You belong no where near the internet.

  4. DKLA says:

    I AM SO THERE!

  5. Ahad Bokhari says:

    AMEN! Yes, the iTunes thing was so so booorrringg. I’ll join, please send me an invite or more information when the time is appropriate.

    I still feel FB will be around for another 5 years, perhaps more so you have all the time in the world to create the hype and get promoted on TechCrunch, haha! /joke I’m sure a few billion will get you much further than that.

    @Richard I agree with you about “people”….

    Caligula does roll off the tongue, and I’m sure you have done your research about the Roman Emperor. BTW some sources do refer to him negatively as perverse and cruel and ultimately he was assassinated for conspiracy..

    Still I am drawn to the name…

  6. Molly Glover says:

    I hope that’s a working title. I’m for anything that knocks out Facebook.

  7. Mark says:

    So an unlaunched social network is 6 x Facebook while a launched one is 10 x Facebook. If you think your social network is only going to get 2X better after launching and actually having USERS, you’re in for a big surprise about what makes a good social network…

  8. Richard the Nameless says:

    Yesterday, I picked up a stone from the roadside. It was TWO HUNDRED TIMES better than Facebook. Because it was real.

  9. FTF says:

    Finally someone with the balls to bring them down. Just let me know in advance when you’re going to kill them off, I want to get all my pictures off of FB.

  10. aden says:

    Ok first off look at the CEO of the company. Does he know what the youth of our country wants or even what the internet is. NO. Zuckerberg came up with a more user friend social network that will be around for a long time. Manka your ambition is admirable but i am willing to wager that you will never ever hit 500 million users. Good luck on your dreams of grandure and your billions of dollars your willing to waste. If you had that kind of money to begin with why didnt you just buy face book before google did?????? It probably because your full of garbage. How long have you been working out the code for your site a year or so, well Zucky had a working live version of his site avalible to harvard students with-in 2 weeks of writting his code…. You know you’ve made it when companies like this promote there site as “facebook killer”

    1. raphael says:

      Yeah. Totally agree. Way to be late on the land grab Calicula or however you said that. Zuckerberg had most of the basics done in a few months. It was the scaling and security that took most of the time. But you know that.

      This is a pretty pathetic publicity stunt for the ‘worlds largest media company’ that gets 400000 uniques a day on their news site.

  11. Justin Parks says:

    Genius!

  12. Whysaduck says:

    Can’t you find a better name than Caligulia? Suggestions: Caesar (the name of a decent salad), Claudius ( a historian before he was an emperior) Trajan, Hadrian, Augustus (or Big Augie with a statuette of the emperior) or even Tiberius (the middle name of Captian Kirk).

  13. Jonathan says:

    It was promised for 2011 and 2011 is nearly over… or is it that Google does not list it yet?

  14. Thereem says:

    So where is this FB Killer?

    Its coming in 2011 huh?

    You got 2 days!

  15. Evita says:

    Can’t wait to see what will happen. Huh …FB is on Nasdaq.

  16. Shrubber says:

    What part of “This is satire” do you commenters above not understand?

  17. Hesso says:

    “When it launches, it will over ten times better.” get the fuck outta here…..you can’t even type correctly you loser

    1. Chairman says:

      Blame my assistant, asshole. Not me. I’ve never typed in my life.

      (Dictated but not read)

  18. Pedro says:

    John Perry, this world is clasing with the real one and some people can’t tell the difference. You should have a video showing your “quarterly gains” or the benefits of working at Manka.

    1. Chairman says:

      Pedro,

      Here’s one…
      http://www.mankabros.com/corporate/speeches/index.htm

      … and the main benefit of working at Manka is that we’re all rich rich rich!

  19. Andrew says:

    If I didn’t know any better, this post reads like an April Fools Joke more than a serious announcement of a “Facebook Killer.” It’s my experience, that the “Largest” anything, doesn’t need to say it’s the largest…unless it’s not really. PLUS…announcing this would-be Facebook Killer in this way, but without involving the tech press for a press conference and brief demonstration of the stated features is suspicious. Also, making the statement, “unmatched global marketing infrastructure and a deep pocketed parent company that isn’t afraid to lose a few Billion to win this fight” sounds like bullshit. There is not a company around that would walk into “a few Billion” dollar loss to fight a behemoth with over 800 Million users (and has become a household word synonymous with “social network”) with Farmville as its defining characteristic. And then there is the name. I pray to God this is a code name and not the actual market branding. It’s horrible. I do Global Brand Development for a living, and there is no way on God’s green earth that would pass market testing. Unless this is a social network for Ivy League socialites and historians, the name alone will kill this project from the start. If you’ve got a “couple Billion” burning a hole in your pocket how about putting that to some good use. Sponsor a global project like the “I AM EQUAL” Photo Documentary. Get your name and brand out there in a positive, socially driven manner, that doesn’t result in Billions wasted and nothing to show for it besides a ridiculous post on this blog. (P.S. What Chairman talks about their coders, or any employees with expletives like “shit” on a public blog? Low class)

  20. raphael says:

    Hard to believe you even have coders. This was made on a wordpress. Graphene theme by the way.

  21. Walter says:

    This site is funny, i like the posts and the comments.. its awesome!

  22. john says:

    http://www.plus.google.com

    -google has more money to put into this that your company
    -google has far more talented web engineers than your company
    -google has far more experience with usability/web scale than your company
    -MOST IMPORTANTLY: google wants to make a good product rather than simply “kill fb because their successful/to get at their money”

    ps based on the mankabros.com home page, it is laughable that you think “caligula” will have anything resembling an attractive layout. Maybe you guys can partner up w/ yahoo! and craigslist to help you design a better UI

    pps caligula is a stupid name for a social networking site. I hope that’s just a code word

    1. Chairman says:

      Yeah? Well, I got your ‘good design’ swinging? Have you seen the internet? It all sucks. If you want to defend Google because you work there, that’s fine. So should all sites be like google and just have a logo and a search box on the front page? Is that good design? Have you seen the NYTimes.com or the New Yorker? I would imagine you think it all sucks.

  23. Asat says:

    Where is your product? its 2014 already..2yrs past.

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