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May
19

Social Networks Are Dead

Jeff Weiner, Nick Besbeas, Steve Cadigan, Mike Gamson, David Henke, Robby Kwok, Deep Nishar, Erika Rottenberg, Steve Sordello, Reid Hoffman, Allen Blue, Konstantin Guericke, Eric Ly, jean-Luc Vaillant, A George "Skip" Battle, Leslie Kilgore, Stanley Meresman, Michael J. Moritz, David SzeYou social media punks make me sick!

It’s time for those of us in old media to fight back so we can return to making films and TV shows like the old days.

You people need to realize that fragmentation blows and loss of creative control for the studios sucks.

Manka Bros. has been entertaining the world for over 90 years and you don’t see people screaming and crying to buy our stock!  It’s a fucked up system!

New media and all this social networking bull shit is really screwing with what we do best and I’ve had it!

So – LinkedIn had a splashy IPO and is now valued at around $10 billion.  (UPDATE:  Thank God Groupon and Zynga flopped!)

Considering the insignificance of this crappy little social network (“Next year we may have zero earnings!  Whoo-hoo!”), I would peg Manka Bros.’ current valuation (regardless of our current stock price, goddamn it!) at around $1 trillion dollars!

Sounds crazy, right?  But at least Manka Bros. makes stuff that people actually want.

Jeff Weiner, Nick Besbeas, Steve Cadigan, Mike Gamson, David Henke, Robby Kwok, Deep Nishar, Erika Rottenberg, Steve Sordello, Reid Hoffman, Allen Blue, Konstantin Guericke, Eric Ly, jean-Luc Vaillant, A George "Skip" Battle, Leslie Kilgore, Stanley Meresman, Michael J. Moritz, David SzeSeriously, what the hell do you do on LinkedIn?  Meet other people on LinkedIn?  Send messages to strangers in the hope they will put you in their “network”?

In Hollywood, this is called stalking.

I have every message that is sent to me filtered by three people.  Even someone like Bob Iger hardly ever gets through.  I just can’t be bothered – I’M RUNNING THE WORLD’S LARGEST MEDIA COMPANY FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!

And if I need to hire someone (which I believe is a key function of LinkedIn), I will just bring in someone from my family or one my friends’ families.  You think I’m going to hire someone from a website?

Accel Partners, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Chris Hughes, David Kirkpatrick, Dustin Moskovitz, Eduardo Saverin, Gerald Levin, Greylock Partners, HBO, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Zucker, Jill Kennedy, Joanna Shields, Jon Miller, Khan Manka, Li Ka-shing, Manka Bros., Mark Cuban, Mark Zuckerberg, Matt Cohler, MySpace, Nicolas Carlson, OnMedea, Owen Van Natta, Paul Buchheit, Peter Thiel, Rupert Murdoch, Sheryl Sandberg, Sumner Redstone, Toy Story 3And if you Silicon Valley freaks keep trying to tell us in Hollywood how to run our businesses, me, Bob Iger, Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone will shut the internet down and ship you nerds off to our MIS departments in Poland.

Or, even better, Manka Bros.’ ‘Facebook Killer’ (Caligula) will launch and make you all insignificant overnight!  (We just have a few bugs to work out.)

So… to the newly-minted millionaires at LinkedIn, all I can say is ‘Congratulations and … SELL SELL SELL!’

To the future millionaires (and billionaires) at Facebook, Twitter, Groupon and all those other ridiculous websites, I say ‘good luck’ – I hope LinkedIn didn’t ruin it for the rest of you by manipulating the valuation so much that it scares off future investors.

And, finally, to all the strangers out there who would like to be my Friend on Facebook, please send me a request, I can’t wait to see pictures of the new baby.

Adam Fogelson, Alan Spoon, Alexander von Furstenberg, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Arthur Martinez, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Brad Grey, Brian Roberts, Bryan Lourd, Chase Carey, Craig Smith, David Geffen, David Rosenblatt, Donald R. Keough, Donna Langley, Edgard Bronfman, Electus, Ezra Kucharz, fairy tale movies, Graham Stanton, Greg Blatt, Greg Morrow, Greg Stevens, Gregg Winiarski, Hans Woolley, Harry Sloan, Hey Diddle Diddle, Jason Stewart, Jay Herratti, Jeff Sagansky, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Jill Kennedy, Joanne Hawkins, Joey Levin, John C. Malone, John Ferriter, John Foley, John Malone, Josh Abramson, Jr., Kara Swisher, Khan Manka, Louis Castle, Manka Bros., Mark Stein, Michael Eisner, Michael Schwerdtman, Michael Zeisser, Nikki Finke, Notional, On Medea, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Richard F. Zannino, Rick Finkelstein, Ricky Van Veen, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Scott Garell, Scott Savitz, Shana Fisher, Sharon Waxman, Stacey Snider, Steve Burke, Steve Jobs, Steven Spielberg, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, Thomas J. McInerney, Tina Brown, Tony DiSanto, Victor KaufmanKhan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. StudiosThe World’s Largest Media Company

Permanent link to this article: http://mankabros.com/blogs/chairman/2011/05/19/social-networks-are-dead/

21 comments

1 ping

  1. Fred says:

    I was thinking of getting in at $122 – sound like a good bet, Khan? I would buy Manka stock if I could find the listing.

  2. Shakvilli says:

    There is a scene is the first teenage mutant ninja turtle movie where someone swings a Jose Canseco bat at one of the turtles and ho looks at it and says, “You spent money on that?”

    That is the reoccurrin­g thought I have when I think of anyone investing in linkedin

  3. Hugh Jassol says:

    You’re “RUNNING THE WORLD’S LARGEST MEDIA COMPANY FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!” because your Daddy died and left it to you, not because you have any special talent. Or brains, for that matter.

    1. Chairman says:

      F you, huge asshole.

  4. Senor Fish says:

    But blogs are alive?

  5. nun ya says:

    this blog was linked from usa today message boards. before that, i never heard of you or your company. and i worked for 2 of the largest cable networks 5 years!

    1. Chairman says:

      Well… that’s a shocker but… welcome to Manka Bros. I hope you enjoy your stay.

  6. dew says:

    For a website that professes to be religious–why do you allow Jill Kennedy to spout unfounded insinuations at Haley? You employ a bitter child who deserves no public forum to spout her nastiness. But then again companies that usually preach are typically hypocritical therefore I should not be surprised.

    1. Chairman says:

      Manka Bros. is not religious. We have a Faith-based division because there is a lot of money in Jesus. But we are far from a religious website. Thanks for your interest, Dew – keep going to the movies. And by the way, read some of Jill’s other blog entries – she’s brilliant.

  7. Chase Walker says:

    Wanna have some fun with a movie? Check us out. From your style, I think we might get along.
    Chase

  8. Patrick McCormick says:

    Social Networks dead? Who killed them? Certainly not one of those slow moving, top heavy, dinosaur like companies that have held the media monopoly all these years. God, what a laugh… you guys should make a comediy act out of this…oh…someone just told me that it is.

  9. Jack says:

    Guys relax, this is a parody blog and a fictional company/chairman :)

    1. Chairman says:

      Thanks, Jack.

  10. Laurie says:

    I think the “About Khan Manka, Jr.” section with the black-and-white photo should have tipped you off. Although “Manka” kinda sounds like it could be a big media company you should have heard of but haven’t. Manka Media. It’s catchy.

  11. Salingers Ghost says:

    I don’t care if he’s real or fictional, I like what he has to say. It’s time to go back to the old days and stop looking forward!

  12. Drewry says:

    working you say social networks are dead and you are the world’s largest media company, when you now rank on Alexa at 15,000 in the United States?

    http://www.alexa.com/siteinfo/http://mankabros.com

    1. Chairman says:

      Manka Bros. has its scale and growth offline – we are traditional old media. And, yes, the largest in the world.

  13. Modani says:

    Social Networks is feeding your blog, you know this title “Social Networks Are Dead” is great and will bring alot readers.

    1. Chairman says:

      This is true. I need to figure out how to feed my blog after social networks die. A strategy must be developed.

  14. Rafael Montilla says:

    I am 100% agre with you when you sais “there is a lot of money in Jesus”, there are so much people making huge amount of money in the name of Jesus.

    1. Just Askin' says:

      >>… there are so much people making huge amount of money in the name of Jesus.

      And there are also many people spending huge amounts of their own money and time to help those in poverty around the world, all in the name of Jesus.

      So…are you the former or the latter?

  1. Davos World Economic Forum – 2012 – Khan Manka, Jr. Keynote Address » Chairman's Blog says:

    [...] Francisco and Santa Barabara.  Just shut it down.  Make all the wine you want – but no more stupid social networks.  No more loans.  No more IPOs.  Just shut the fucker down.  The world can get their computers [...]

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