To all the acquisition and distribution executives at Manka Highbrow, Manka Dogma, Manka Docs and the new Manka Mumblecore - due to the shitty year you all had in 2011, you will not be attending the Sundance Film Festival this year.
If you desperately feel the need to attend in order to bid on a movie starring Patricia Clarkson and William H. Macy about people who have no idea how to cope in a world filled with so much suffering, then I suggest you quit your job and start a new company that specializes in distributing videos shot on camcorders that no one wants to see!
When times are good, Manka Bros. has no trouble throwing away money at meaningless film festivals. (Am I the only one that feels the films are only shown to kill time in between parties? If you want to get drunk all the time go to CES!)
And, yes, sometimes we even get lucky – for instance, when we picked up the rights to Snuffing Out The Magic Fury (which will finally open next month after extensive recuts and reshoots and recasts).
But, too bad, junior executives, there will be no more $600 a night rooms with $1,000 a night “entertainment” bar tabs while you try to sleep with 22-year-old “directors” who would do anything to get their $300 film about an autistic coal miner distributed by a major Hollywood studio.
I realize you’ve probably already purchased your $400 ski caps that you were planning on wearing throughout the festival because independent film makers are way too cool to shower (and, of course, you have to be just like them).
I guess you’ll have to return the clothes at lunch today.
We have a new theatrical policy here at Manka Bros. - WE WILL NOT PRODUCE OR DISTRIBUTE ANY FILM THAT DOES NOT MAKE MONEY!
So for the young writers and directors of the world who make films about:
- The various plights of high school geeks growing up in the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s;
- Immigrants trying to survive in modern day Mobile, Alabama;
- Poets trying to break free from their oppressive capitalist “day jobs”
- Cancer movies of every size and shape;
- (and, my favorite) Movies about filmmakers trying to get their films made in Hollywood where everyone who works at a studio is some kind of idiot…
I’m sorry, you’ll have to find some other sucker to distribute your story that MUST BE TOLD.
Harvey Weinstein is flush with cash with all that money he saved by distributing a silent movie! Go bother him – he’ll be the one smoking.