Have you ever tried doing anything in China?
It’s impossible if you don’t bribe.
If you don’t bribe, you don’t get in the country. (You suddenly have issues with your visa?)
If you don’t bribe, you get a hotel room with a disgusting hole in the floor instead of a western toilet.
If you don’t bribe, your car breaks down in the middle of some god forsaken scrub land in the hills outside of Beijing. Then you have to sit on the side of the road while your driver laughs at you and then proceeds to sacrifice a chicken and cooks the legs for lunch using his cigarette lighter.
If you don’t bribe, you don’t do business in China.
You would be amazed how much work you can get done in China just by dangling a carton of Camel Turkish Gold cigarettes in front of someone.
Funny story – I was in China a couple of years ago visiting my girlfriend on the set of our movie “Tae Kwon Doug”. When I got to the set, no one was doing anything. The Chinese crew was playing some bizarre game with colored tiles and drinking some white lightning dragon fire pure alcohol.
I started to ask the American actors what the fuck was going on and I was told the bribe we paid in order to start shooting was in local RMB currency and not in American dollars. Local RMB is like toilet paper to the Chinese. American dollars are preferred.
I immediately fired the American producer, pulled out a few $1 bills from my pocket, spread them around – and suddenly, everyone was ready to work.
As a bonus, I threw in a carton of Camel Turkish Gold and a bottle of American whiskey. We finished shooting the entire movie in three days. It was supposed to be a six week shoot.
That’s what I call results.
So… memo to the Department of Justice… if you want me to cooperate with your little investigation into our business practices in China, it’s going to cost you a few dollars, a few cigarettes and a whole lot of booze.