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Mar
12

A Waste Of Time – SXSW Keynote Address – Khan Manka, Jr.

Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey, Jeff Bezos, Tim Cook, Cory Booker, Michael Bloomberg, Joel Klein, Lachlan Murdoch, James Murdoch, Bobby Kotick, Marc Andreessen, Peter Thiel, Dick Costolo, Ross Levinsoh, Paul Sagan, Leslie Moonves, Tim Armstrong, Glenn Britt, Donald Graham, Kazuo Hirai, Howard Stringer, Jae-Yong Lee, Bryan Lourd, Ron Meyer, Brad Grey, Edmund Lee, Anthony Palazzo, John Malone, Chris Silbermann, Jim Berkus, Roger Goodell, David Stern, Chris Christie, Julius Genachowski, Erin Burnett, Charlie Rose, Becky Quick, Todd Davidson, Reed Hastings, Terry Semel, Jerry Yang, Ken Allen, Laurene Powell Jobs, Jean-Bernard Levy, Lucian Grainge, Jonathan Boyar, Mark Pincus, Michael Lynton, Mandy Tavakol, Mario Monti, Dave DeVoe, John Martin, Brian Roberts, David Zaslav, Mel Karmazin, Carol Bartz, Scott Thompson, Jason Kilar, King Abdullah II, Queen Rania, Queen Noor, #sv12, #Sunvalley2012, #allenco, Robert Johnson, Anne Sweeney, Brian Grazer, Michael Ovitz, Hiroshi Mikitani, Owen Van Natta, Don Mattrick, Dave Grohl, SXSW 2013 Conference[The following is an unedited transcript of the keynote address to the SXSW Festival by Manka Bros. Chairman & CEO Khan Manka, Jr.]

March 12, 2013 – Austin Convention Center – Ballroom G

[Khan Manka, Jr. approaches a podium...]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Uh… Dave Grohl was supposed to introduce me – calm down, you idiots… Dave Grohl was supposed to introduce me but apparently he couldn’t pull himself away from the HTML5 panel “Making Your Band Much Cooler By Not Using Flash!”

[There are a few "HTML5 rocks" - and "Yeah!"]

Khan Manka, Jr.: That was a joke, jerk-offs.  Whatever. I don’t really have much to say. I’ve been told to calm down on my speeches. The last few times I’ve given a keynote to one of these ridiculous events they ended in chaos. MIPCOM, Davos, Sun Valley, Bilderberg, CES, Comic-Con - even a commencement address at Beverly Hills High School went horribly wrong. So, on the order of my doctors, I’m going to keep things pretty calm. Can we just go to the first slide, please?

Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey, Jeff Bezos, Tim Cook, Cory Booker, Michael Bloomberg, Joel Klein, Lachlan Murdoch, James Murdoch, Bobby Kotick, Marc Andreessen, Peter Thiel, Dick Costolo, Ross Levinsoh, Paul Sagan, Leslie Moonves, Tim Armstrong, Glenn Britt, Donald Graham, Kazuo Hirai, Howard Stringer, Jae-Yong Lee, Bryan Lourd, Ron Meyer, Brad Grey, Edmund Lee, Anthony Palazzo, John Malone, Chris Silbermann, Jim Berkus, Roger Goodell, David Stern, Chris Christie, Julius Genachowski, Erin Burnett, Charlie Rose, Becky Quick, Todd Davidson, Reed Hastings, Terry Semel, Jerry Yang, Ken Allen, Laurene Powell Jobs, Jean-Bernard Levy, Lucian Grainge, Jonathan Boyar, Mark Pincus, Michael Lynton, Mandy Tavakol, Mario Monti, Dave DeVoe, John Martin, Brian Roberts, David Zaslav, Mel Karmazin, Carol Bartz, Scott Thompson, Jason Kilar, King Abdullah II, Queen Rania, Queen Noor, #sv12, #Sunvalley2012, #allenco, Robert Johnson, Anne Sweeney, Brian Grazer, Michael Ovitz, Hiroshi Mikitani, Owen Van Natta, Don Mattrick, Dave Grohl, SXSW Conference[FIRST SLIDE: Image - Manka Bros. Studios lot circa 1918.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: I normally don’t like to do slides but I was asked to stay on message – so this is the best way. Manka Bros. is celebrating its 101st anniversary this year.  Based on size, it is the world’s largest media company. It is also the world’s oldest movie studio. Don’t let last year’s Universal and Paramount 100th Anniversary logos fool you – they are lying. They weren’t really incorporated in 1912 – only Manka Bros. was. Universal and Paramount were nothing but cross-breeding dairy farms in 1912. You can Wikipedia that shit if you want.

[Silence.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: I can see you’re already glazing over.  It’s tough when you go from what used to be a pretty fun movies/music/interactive festival where everyone was drunk and eating barbecue  – to today where you stare at a comic on  a Samsung crap-ass phone in the Verizon Celebrity Douche Lounge while you collect a bunch of crap in a biodegradable bag that will sit in a closet in your house untouched until you eventually throw it away.

[The audiences is more audible.  More fidgeting noises.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Don’t get me wrong. It’s a great life you have – you’re all self-proclaimed hipsters, you go from festival to festival like modern day Deadheads. Why live life when you can go to arts festivals and talk about the life you will lead once you get home from the festival? But, of course, you never get home – or if you do, it’s just to recover until the next festival. It’s a great fucking life.

[A guy in a suit approaches Khan and whispers something in his ear.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: OK OK OK. I’ve been told by my handlers to get back on message. Jump past the historical slides and get to the meat.

[Another slide reads: The Digital Transition]

Khan Manka, Jr.: The single most important issue in Hollywood these days is the digital transition. Basically, we need you assholes to buy digital movies. Stop buying DVDs – stop using Redbox! Re-purchase your entire movie collection from the cloud. Get it? If you don’t, we’re in deep shit. Do you want the movie studios to go out of business, you fuckers?! It’s really the only thing you aspire to – a real movie deal from a real movie studio. You’re lying if you say you just want to make “important” little digital movies on a iPad that the studios don’t have the balls to make. So buy digital movies to keep your pathetic dreams alive. Capische?

Allen & Company retreat, Ari Emanuel, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Carol Bartz, DumbDumb, Electus, Eric Schmidt, Gina Bianchini, Herb Allen, Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference, Herbert Allen, Jeff Bewkes, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jerry Yang, Khan Manka, Lady Gaga, Leslie Moonves, Lloyd Grohl, Manka Bros., Marissa Mayer, Mark Pincus, Mark Zuckerberg, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Reid Hoffman, Richard Parsons, Ricky Van Veen, Rupert Murdoch, Sergey Brin, Sheryl Sandberg, Steve Jobs, Sun Valley Retreat, Sun Valley Retreat 2010, Terry Semel, World's Largest Media Company, Chase Carey, James Murdoch, Elisabeth Murdoch, Lachlan Murdoch, Jim Gianopulos, Joel Klein, Jon Miller, Steve Burke, Michael Angelakis, Leslie Moonves, Philippe Dauman, Jeff Bewkes, John Martin, Howard Stringer, Rob Wiesenthal, Michael Lynton, John Malone, Greg Maffei, Haim Saban, David Zaslav, John Hendricks, Mike White, Edgar Bronfman, Len Blavatnik, Tim Armstrong, Peter Chernin, Tom Freston, Carol Bartz, Jerry Yang, Mark Pincus, Owen Van Natta, Brian Roberts, Jason Kilar, Wayne Willich, Reid Hoffman, Harvey Weinstein, Diane Von Furstenberg, Andrew Mason, Jason Kilar, Ben Horowitz, Gina Bianchini, Mark Pincus, Ali Pincus, Robert Wiesenthal, Tom Freston, Bing Gordon, Bill Gates, Chris Christie, Martin Sorrell, Eric Lefkofsky, Oprah Winfrey, Jeff Bezos, Tim Cook, Cory Booker, Michael Bloomberg, Joel Klein, Lachlan Murdoch, James Murdoch, Bobby Kotick, Marc Andreessen, Peter Thiel, Dick Costolo, Ross Levinsoh, Paul Sagan, Leslie Moonves, Tim Armstrong, Glenn Britt, Donald Graham, Kazuo Hirai, Howard Stringer, Jae-Yong Lee, Bryan Lourd, Ron Meyer, Brad Grey, Edmund Lee, Anthony Palazzo, John Malone, Chris Silbermann, Jim Berkus, Roger Goodell, David Stern, Chris Christie, Julius Genachowski, Erin Burnett, Charlie Rose, Becky Quick, Todd Davidson, Reed Hastings, Terry Semel, Jerry Yang, Ken Allen, Laurene Powell Jobs, Jean-Bernard Levy, Lucian Grainge, Jonathan Boyar, Mark Pincus, Michael Lynton, Mandy Tavakol, Mario Monti, Dave DeVoe, John Martin, Brian Roberts, David Zaslav, Mel Karmazin, Carol Bartz, Scott Thompson, Jason Kilar, King Abdullah II, Queen Rania, Queen Noor, #sv12, #Sunvalley2012, #allenco, Robert Johnson, Anne Sweeney, Brian Grazer, Michael Ovitz, Hiroshi Mikitani, Owen Van Natta, Don Mattrick, Dave Grohl, SXSW 2013 Conference[Dave Grohl arrives. The crowd goes crazy.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Well well well – look who decided to show up? Hey, Dave, could you go back to 2003 and introduce me when you were interesting?

[Dave Grohl lunges at Khan Manka, Jr. A Security Guard smacks Grohl easily to the ground. He starts to cry like a toddler. That blonde, skinny drummer guy runs up to assist Grohl. He attacks Khan Manka, Jr. as well - but the Security Guard backhands him to the floor. The crowd turns on Khan Manka, Jr. - throwing officially licensed tchotchkes at the stage.]

Khan Manka, Jr.: Those were the only hits the Foo Fighters have had in a while, right? Am I fucking right, you morons?

[With that, Khan Manka, Jr. is ushered off the stage.]

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]

Adam Fogelson, Alan Spoon, Alexander von Furstenberg, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Arthur Martinez, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Brad Grey, Brian Roberts, Bryan Lourd, Chase Carey, Craig Smith, David Geffen, David Rosenblatt, Donald R. Keough, Donna Langley, Edgard Bronfman, Electus, Ezra Kucharz, fairy tale movies, Graham Stanton, Greg Blatt, Greg Morrow, Greg Stevens, Gregg Winiarski, Hans Woolley, Harry Sloan, Hey Diddle Diddle, Jason Stewart, Jay Herratti, Jeff Sagansky, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Jill Kennedy, Joanne Hawkins, Joey Levin, John C. Malone, John Ferriter, John Foley, John Malone, Josh Abramson, Jr., Kara Swisher, Khan Manka, Louis Castle, Manka Bros., Mark Stein, Michael Eisner, Michael Schwerdtman, Michael Zeisser, Nikki Finke, Notional, On Medea, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Richard F. Zannino, Rick Finkelstein, Ricky Van Veen, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Scott Garell, Scott Savitz, Shana Fisher, Sharon Waxman, Stacey Snider, Steve Burke, Steve Jobs, Steven Spielberg, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, Thomas J. McInerney, Tina Brown, Tony DiSanto, Victor KaufmanKhan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. StudiosThe World’s Largest Media Company

 

 

Permanent link to this article: http://mankabros.com/blogs/chairman/2013/03/12/a-waste-of-time-sxsw-keynote-address-khan-manka-jr/

6 comments

  1. Grohl Sux says:

    Finally something interesting at SXSW.

  2. Sue by southwest says:

    Why do organizers keep inviting this guy to their events. I remember his speech from comic con. It was insulting to everyone in the room. I wish he would just go away or just stop speaking in public. Getting drunk is fine if that’s what you want to do with your life. But we’re trying to learn some things and make connections and negative comments are not what we need. We need encouragement and mentors in Hollywood. Not jerks like Khan Manka!

  3. Jett Westmoreland says:

    Hilarious.

  4. danny weiner says:

    any relationship to ruby manka???

  5. CW Anderson says:

    I did not find any value when I attended!!!!!

  6. David Stewart Warner says:

    Khan, you just keep getting better with age. Keep up the good work. No wonder you own the WORLD.

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