Manka Bros. Will No Longer Hire Anyone Over 30

Good morning.

As of today, Manka Bros. will no longer hire anyone who is 30 or over.

Over the past year or so, I have come to realize it would be a strategic blunder for myself and the Manka Bros. shareholders to produce any new content or develop any new distribution platforms for anyone other than those between the ages of 0 and 29.

I’m not going to lose millions just so some old person can keep their job!

Manka Bros. is  producing 157 comic book movies over the next 35 years. I don’t want that shit to look cool to 50-year-olds but completely bore 15-year-olds.

Based on everything we need to do going forward, there is no point to having anyone work on the creative or business side that is over 30.

Business schools call this the “Logan’s Run” HR strategy and it’s secretly being used effectively by many high-profile Silicon Valley companies.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Herb Allen's Sun Valley Conference 2013, Sun Valley Lodge, Bin Tran, Vin Tran, Lee S Ainslie III, Yousef Al Otaiba, Hans-Holger Albrecht, Paul G Allen, James Anderson, Marc Andreessen, Michael Angelakis, Tim Armstrong, Nikesh Arora, Neil M Ashe, Emilio Azcarraga, Manvinder S Banga, Lionel Barber, Craig R Barrett, Willow Bay, Andreas Bechtolsheim, Marc Benioff, Jeffrey Berg, James Berkus, Michael S Berman, Mark Bertolini, Gary Bettman, Jeff Bewkes, Jeffrey P Bezos, Aneel Bhusri, The Right Honorable Tony Blair, Gregory R Blatt, Anthony H Bloom, Michael R Bloomberg, Steven R Boal, Scott A Bommer, Cory A Booker, Jeffrey H Boyd, Sergey Brin, Glenn Britt, Tom Brokaw, Michael J Brown, Howard G Buffett, Susie Buffett, Warren Buffett, John Burbank, Stephen Burke, Erin Burnett, Ursula Burns, John E Bush, Jeanie Buss, John A Canning Jr., Chase Carey, Wences Casares, Mark Casey, Kenneth Chenault, Peter Chernin, Brian Chesky, Richard Chilton, Chris Christie, Lewis Cime, Adriana Cisneros, Gustavo Cisneros, Vittorio Colao, Timothy Collins, Patrick Collison, Timothy Cook, Anderson Cooper, David Corkins, Delos Cosgrove, Dick Costolo, Cristian Croitoru, Henry Crumpton, Jose Luis Cutrale, Will Danoff, Philippe Dauman, Christopher Davis, Alfonso de Angoitia, John DeGioia, Diego Della Valle, Brian Demain, Andre Desmarais, David DeVoe, Feroz Dewan, William DeWitt, Barry Diller, Daniel Doctoroff, Jonathan Dolgen, John Donahoe, Jack Dorsey, Michael Duke, Mathias Dopfner, David Ebersman, Wesley Edens, Marvin Edwards, Eric Eisner, Michael Eisner, John Elkann, Thomas Evans, Randel Falco, Jose Antonio Fernandez, Michael Ferror, Niall W. 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I like to think of it more as the MTV VJ strategy of firing the VJ women (only) once they hit 25. (Look at me, “MTV VJs” – really showing my age there. Thank God I own the studio or I would right out on my ass 🙂 )

But seriously, 31-year-olds don’t know what 25-year-olds watch or how they interact with content. And no one gives a shit what a 31-year-old watches.

I mean, who is going to watch the new Mad Max movie (which was made by a 70-year-old director!)? I mean, just look at this piece of shit:

 

The buzz is much better for our upcoming summer release “Flaccid Trip” – which was directed by an 18-year-old high school kid using only his iPhone as a camera.

Watch this clip and you be the judge:

 

See what I mean? THAT’S what the young people want.

Being the oldest (and largest) studio in Hollywood has its advantages (deep pockets, deep library, classic characters) but also its disadvantages (old thinking, stuck in our ways, etc.).

So, what’s to become of all the current employees who are over 30?

Most will be let go with the exception of anyone that is an SVP or above.

While it is true that most of the SVPs and above are rich, fat and haven’t thought of anything new or exciting in years, most of their exit packages would be too great and I don’t want to part with that cash. (And I also don’t want to disrupt my weekly squash game that I have with some of those guys.)

Everyone below SVP – who is 30 or older – should be receiving some sort of call in the next, I don’t know, month or so.

I’m sure this new policy will have its detractors and I’m sure you all have many questions – but it is nearing lunch time and I am typing this myself (my assistant is 42 and I don’t want to upset her before lunch).

Thanks for all your hard work over the years (though I know many of you didn’t work hard at all – just saying) and I hope all of you who are leaving Manka Bros. will wish us all the best as we become a younger, incredibly innovative and much more fun place to work.

Adam Fogelson, Alan Spoon, Alexander von Furstenberg, Angela Bromstad, Ari Emanuel, Arthur Martinez, Barry Diller, Ben Silverman, Bob Iger, Brad Grey, Brian Roberts, Bryan Lourd, Chase Carey, Craig Smith, David Geffen, David Rosenblatt, Donald R. Keough, Donna Langley, Edgard Bronfman, Electus, Ezra Kucharz, fairy tale movies, Graham Stanton, Greg Blatt, Greg Morrow, Greg Stevens, Gregg Winiarski, Hans Woolley, Harry Sloan, Hey Diddle Diddle, Jason Stewart, Jay Herratti, Jeff Sagansky, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Jeffrey Immelt, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Jill Kennedy, Joanne Hawkins, Joey Levin, John C. Malone, John Ferriter, John Foley, John Malone, Josh Abramson, Jr., Kara Swisher, Khan Manka, Louis Castle, Manka Bros., Mark Stein, Michael Eisner, Michael Schwerdtman, Michael Zeisser, Nikki Finke, Notional, On Medea, OnMedea, Paul Telegdy, Peter Chernin, Phillippe Dauman, Richard F. Zannino, Rick Finkelstein, Ricky Van Veen, Ron Meyer, Rupert Murdoch, Scott Garell, Scott Savitz, Shana Fisher, Sharon Waxman, Stacey Snider, Steve Burke, Steve Jobs, Steven Spielberg, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, Thomas J. McInerney, Tina Brown, Tony DiSanto, Victor KaufmanKhan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. StudiosThe World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – If you are 29, you may want to start looking for a job (or go on unemployment, I don’t really care).

P.P.S – Follow us on SOCIAL MEDIA! That’s right, suckers, we’re on Vine, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, YouTube, Tumblr, Snapchat (maybe not) – because THAT’S what my daughter Connie says the kids are doing. 

P.P.P.S. – And for any old people and losers out there – we also have a web page, a broadcast network and cable channels – HA HA – pathetic.

33 comments

  1. Lester · April 9, 2015

    I believe it’s time to lawyer-up! How sad!

  2. David K Greenwald · April 9, 2015

    Despite what you indicate, this is not controversial.

    It’s simply illegal. It’s called discrimination.
    http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/rights-against-age-discrimination-29577.html

    Now go tell Kathryn Bigelow that only men can direct action movies (“Zero Dark Thirty”; “The Hurt Locker”; “K-19”), Steve McQueen that a black can’t direct a film about the Irish (“Hunger”) and Lasse Hallström that a Swede had no business directing a film about America (“What’s Eating Gilbert Grape).

  3. LJ Martin · April 9, 2015

    You gotta quit smokin’ the cheap stuff.

  4. Calix Louis Reneau · April 9, 2015

    It’s a damn foolish company that announces publicly that it’s actively engaging in illegal activities.

  5. Dave Bullis · April 9, 2015

    This has to be a joke….

  6. Dave Bullis · April 9, 2015
  7. John Sundholm · April 9, 2015

    Pretty sure this is satire. Nobody who’s successfully run a company is this stupid. Breathe, everyone!

  8. Calix Louis Reneau · April 9, 2015

    Hilarious!

  9. Jon Woolf · April 9, 2015

    When I was 30, I had only been in film production for 10 years. Now, at almost 70, I think that I have more to offer. Pity I won’t offer it to this idiot. Oh, and I wouldn’t dream of spending a dime to go see anything he has come within a mile of.. Yes, and it is illegal.

  10. Angelina Carkic · April 9, 2015

    Just looking at your argument. Taking males as your subject matter. It’s been scientifically established that the human male doesn’t mature intellectually until he’s around 24 years of age. We girls fortunately are quite tuned in by 17. So, are you aiming at the under 24s or above 24s? Maybe your employees need to be under 24 or between the ages of 25 and 30. And I agree with Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company and I quote, “P.S. – If you are 29, you may want to start looking for a job (or go on unemployment, I don’t really care).”
    So, whipersnapper, a word of advice, hire females who are of a mature age. You might be intellectually stimulated.
    Oh, by the way Mad Max was a huge success with the young males of the day, so that shoots holes in your argument and kind of supports mine. Enjoy your short carreer.

    • Khan Manka · April 9, 2015

      Sort career? I have been CEO of Manka Bros. since 1976! How much longer is needed to consider myself having a LONG career? Mad Max may have been cool in 1980 – but the future is “Flaccid Trip” – sorry.

      • Max Goldcamp · April 9, 2015

        I’m a youth of today and I have to agree, Flaccid Trip = awesomesauce and Mad Max = buttsauce.

        • Max Goldcamp · April 9, 2015

          I’m a youth of today and I have to agree, Flaccid Trip = awesomesauce and Mad Max = buttsauce.

  11. David Goorevitch · April 9, 2015

    Its a hoax …

  12. David K Greenwald · April 9, 2015

    Does this work even as satire? Satire by SNL, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert uses exaggeration to make people reconsider the way things are. Their tongue-in-cheek delivery also makes it work.

    The fact that many of us here thought that this was serious, shows that this IS way too close to how many actually think. Post a headline suggesting that women shouldn’t be hired either and undoubtedly some will reply, “I knew that”.

    Sadly, to your point, truth is often stranger than fiction. A working director in one film group advised a fledgling scriptwriter that it was okay for her to have adapted a Stephen King novel for “practice”. But before sending it to King’s agent to “impress” him, she should register it. I’m his lawyer will be impressed too.

  13. Leonard James · April 9, 2015

    Brilliant. Ten seconds after I started reading it I couldn’t WAIT to read the comments. Bravo. Very well done.

  14. Karl · April 9, 2015

    This is a satire on Warner Bros and Disney, who engage these practices.

    • Harvey Balls · April 9, 2015

      I think you mean, “secretly” engage in these practices.

  15. David Werner · April 9, 2015

    Why don’t you just set the age you hire at 12 and set up in southeast Asia? You were beat to the punch, before the punch line. What is probably needed in this industry in a Don Draper type of personality (mid 30s?) however, many happy returns on trying to make a buck…
    David

  16. mato · April 9, 2015

    Hilarious how many people get upset about something that clearly is a joke =-D

  17. Andrew · April 9, 2015

    Yeah, age discrimination and making light of it is really funny.

    Everything is a joke nowadays.

    What isn’t a joke is if a 34 year old applies to this company and doesn’t get the job he or she could sue this company for age discrimination and show the company’s public statement that they won’t hire anyone over 30. The company would then have to prove that article was only a “joke”. This presumes the company would want to actually go to court.

    I think this announcement and it’s subsequent “it’s a joke” addition to it is an attempt at real age discrimination by this company. Say you won’t hire anyone over 30 then say it’s a joke then don’t hire x amount of people over 30 (hire some so you don’t look like you’re discriminating) and get a pass for it because, hey “it’s a joke”.

    • David · April 9, 2015

      Andrew I hate to break it to you but this is not a real company. This whole website is parody of the media industry. A quick glance at the low production value of the website should have tipped you off that this is not really “the world’s largest media company”. Time to brush up on those critical thinking skills. and remember many of those UFO videos posted on the internet are also not genuine.

      • Bob S. · April 9, 2015

        Shhh… the incessantly scolding voices in Andrew’s head will not tolerate interruptions.

  18. Mark · April 9, 2015

    He he…nicely put together fake blog…that would be symptomatic of a raging mid-life crisis 😉
    I’ve been 29 for a little while myself.

  19. Norman C Burns · April 9, 2015

    Creativity flows best when nurtured, age be damned. Documentarian Gene Searchinger produced his groundbreaking linguistic series “The Human Language”, when he was well into his 60s. Then repeated it with the award winning, “The Writing Code”, when he was in his 70s.

    Age has very little to do with creativity. Ageism and ignorance, on the other hand, have a lot to do with stifling all that creativity.

  20. David Saltman · April 9, 2015

    Alfred Hitchcock made seven of his greatest films between age 54 and 61. Mark Twain published Huckleberry Finn at 49. Defoe wrote Robinson Crusoe at 58. Cezanne painted most of his greatest masterpieces in his mid-60s. The ageist know-nothings cited above should spend a few years putting something into their empty heads.

  21. Slvr Chrm · April 9, 2015

    Lets face it creativity
    Flows best under 40….
    Stretch it ……50…….after that
    You get a lot of repetitive rhetoric
    & laundry list of bad habits….

    • Alex Branson · April 9, 2015

      Lets face it creativity Flows best under 40…. Stretch it ……50…….after that You get a lot of repetitive rhetoric & laundry list of bad habits…”

      Your rhetoric reminds me of the film “Logan’s Run.” If you haven’t seen it then rent it to watch.

      This is the trouble with the juveniles who want to run (or ruin Hollywood) with their disdain for anyone older. Us “old fogeys” just might provide a richness from life experiences, education, and rational thought not yet developed in our younger counterparts!

  22. Glen Cram · April 9, 2015

    This is a satire site, but it is all too plausible!

  23. Alex Branson · April 9, 2015

    Ageism is illegal at least in the united states under discrimination laws. That being said I would not put it past a company to secretly not hire people based on a number of factors. Proving otherwise would be very difficult especially if a company is not legally required to detail why everyone who did not get a position was not hired.

  24. David O'Brien · April 9, 2015

    okay! I’m sucked in to comment on what is essentially a flaccid publicity stunt to draw attention to an amateurish piece that is badly acted, unfunny and poorly lit with awful sound. But I’m way over thirty, forty, fifty and will stop there because I have far better things to do than indulge in any kind of ism, especially amateurism.

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