Continue reading »]]> A fellow mogul is in pain today.

Last night, I received a private TWEET from Rupert Murdoch – that after months of agonizing separation, he was filing for divorce from his wife Wendi Deng.

Even though I couldn’t hear his voice, I could tell he was crying.

I’ve known Rupert for many many years. More years that his third wife has been alive.

Yet, I always knew, even before she was born, that Wendi Deng Murdoch was the person for him.

It’s none of our business why someone else’s marriage ends.

I do know that if the marriage of Rupert Murdoch and Wendi Deng Murdoch can’t survive  - there isn’t much hope for anyone else.

They were ideal for each other.

Equals in intellect.

She was beautiful.

He was rich.

In my world, this is the perfect match.

And while we all cry a bit today for Rupert, we can bravely dry those tears tomorrow because Rupert will land on his feet.

He didn’t tell me why the marriage fell apart. There must have been something in those years of wire tapping her phone that became the final straw.

Chin up, Rupe, I’ll be here whenever you need a friend.

I’ll see you at Sun Valley. I’ll save you ONE STOOL at the bar.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios - The World’s Largest Media Company

(dictated – not read)

Other Blogs about Rupert Murdoch:

In Defense Of Rupert Murdoch

Rupert Murdoch’s Special Charity

Book Club Meeting On Rupert Murdoch’s Boat

Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone

Blogs About Wendi Deng Murdoch:

The Woman Who Saved News Corp. (OnMedea)

Continue reading »]]> Good morning from my house in the Seychelles.

A few of us are having a great night drinking schnapps and eating crab. I won’t name names for security reasons but their initials are DM, RM, BD, JB, CC – you figure it out.

I just received my daily fax of important Hollywood internet stories from my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry, and noticed that apparently Nikki Finke was fired from Deadline Hollywood.

I didn’t even realize that was possible – basically the equivalent of me getting fired from Manka Bros. We all know this is an impossible thing. It would take gunfire and a hostage situation to remove me from my post and that wouldn’t be legal – so I guess nothing could get me out.

[Goddamnit, Barry Diller just fucking spilled watermelon schnapps on my white carpet! But I digress...]

Let me get right to the point and I’ll speak directly to Nikki as I write:

Manka Bros. would like to offer you, Nikki Finke, a job – doing pretty much whatever you would like. If you’ve seen our numbers lately, we need help in most areas of the business.

If you would like to start a cut-throat-destroy-someone’s-life-type blog like you are currently running – that would be fine.

If you would like to work as a partner with our own in-house cut-throat-destroy-someone’s-life-type-blog – OnMedea – that would be fine as well. She would love the help.

If you would like to run our Theatrical Group - that would be fine, too. Robin Rafe has really been sucking lately and needs to be replaced at some point (off the record).

Or just pick something off our Jobs board – we’ve got a few great openings right now.

So, think about it, Nikki – Manka Bros. is one place you will never be fired from (unless you write about me or my family). Call my assistant at the studio, Vicky Adler-Modry (or just Friend her on Facebook).

I have to get back to karaoake – Rupert’s about to sing “MacArthur Park” – (never to be missed).

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Continue reading »]]> With the upcoming death of Sumner Redstone (any day now based on how he looked in recent photos) and the increasing dementia of Rupert Murdoch, it’s clear there is soon to be only one true Hollywood mogul remaining.

And that is me.

As with the “Last of the Mohicans,” moguls in Hollywood used to be a large tribe.

Brothers from Poland and Bulgaria and Kansas City and New York, etc. etc. – all coming to Hollywood with a dream and the sociopathic guts to do whatever it took to succeed (and a whole lot of luck).

Jill Kennedy – a writer for the Manka Bros.’ business blog OnMedea – wrote that 2013 is Endgame for Moguls. She’s absolutely right.

It’s the end of a great and powerful era.

When Sumner Redstone dies (I’m gonna say by mid-summer) and hundreds of people are forced to go to that funeral (who would will willingly want to go unless they’re trying to pitch some new idea to Brad Grey) it will be down to me and Rupert.

And we all know Rupert is certifiably insane – so he doesn’t count anymore.

I don’t even want to hear arguments about Spielberg and Katzenberg and Geffen being moguls. They tried. They failed. Next.

Harvey Weinstein? [spit take]

Many may say I don’t deserve to be called a mogul because I wasn’t a founder of the company and didn’t build it from scratch. In fact, I was given the job of Chairman and CEO right out of high school after my father died. I didn’t even want the job. I was very happy in my band, King Khan. We were awesome and on our way.

But I took the job and built Manka Bros. into the global media powerhouse it is today.

In 1976, when I took over – the company didn’t even have its own plane or free food and car allowances for senior management. I took care of that immediately.

Without that shit, we would have had no chance to land a super executive like Lloyd Grohl to run operations.

I only hope that I live another 40-50 years so that those who are young now at least have a small idea of how great things used to be when, like mafia families, studio heads would be willing to kill in order come out on top.

The FBI has a file cabinet full of all the things my father and uncles did in order to survive in early Hollywood. (The FBI needed an entire warehouse to store the files on Louis B. Mayer!)

Those days are gone and things are very passive-aggressive and “nice” in Hollywood. On the outside, everyone appears to be happy for everyone else’s success while they all kill themselves on the inside.

And that’s bullshit, man.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Continue reading »]]> Good morning.

I am back from the hellhole that was Austin, Texas and the that waste of time known as SXSW.

If there was any positive that came out of my keynote address it was that my security guard kicked the Foo Fighters’ asses. Truly the only enjoyable moment of my trip.

This morning, I received an urgent phone call from the new President of Yemen – Adb Rabbuh Mansur Hadi (spell check didn’t get any one of those right). He said things were going very badly at the Manka Fun Park Yemen site.

In fact, he said he believed that several parts of the park which are still under construction are being used as Al-Qaeda training facilities.

My response to him was “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!”

This park has been a disaster ever since we broke ground five years ago.

(My updates over the years  - here and here – give further details to this mess.)

March 13, 2008 was a glorious day in our quest to expand the Manka Bros. brand to the Middle East.

On the advice of Ethan Rubidoux (President of Consumer Products, Manka Sports, Broadway Manka, Theme Parks and Digital Distribution), we decided NOT to pursue a golden opportunity in Abu Dhabi in which we would have receive full funding for the Manka Fun Park ($1 billion) as well as a generous license fee for our IP going forward.

Mr. Rubidoux explained to me that every studio was building a park in either Abu Dhabi or Dubai and if we were to go it alone in a undeveloped country like Yemen, we would own the market.

While it is true that there isn’t another theme park in Yemen, there is also such negatives as terrorist breeding grounds, a brewing civil war, not many paved roads, a bombed out shell of an airport, etc. etc.

After my phone call with President blah blah blah, I looked back on the file of the project at the beginning and found this fax (right) that I sent from my room at the San’a Nights Hotel.

If there was ever a red flag at the beginning of a project, this was it.

Building a Manka Fun Park in Yemen has been a nightmare from the very beginning.

But we are already $1 billion dollars into construction and can only hope that things improve over the next few months.

President Abd Rubbuh Mansur Hadi has assured me that construction will continue once U.S. drones bomb the terrorist training grounds (near what was supposed to be the Camel Hump Roller Terror in 3D).

He has also assured me that road construction to the park will start eventually.

That’s where it stands. A total horrific failure.

Next time, no one is allowed to change my mind.

But I am not going to fire Ethan Rubidoux. I am just going to give him another awful division to run – he is now also President of our Anti-Piracy Group.

Good luck with that one, Ethan!

For further background on how this fucking project ever received a greenlight, here is a portion of a presentation Lloyd Grohl gave to the Merrill Lynch Mediatainment Conference a few years back.

Why no one under me was smart enough to stop this Titanic of a disaster from happening, I’ll never know.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Continue reading »]]> [The following is an unedited transcript of the keynote address to the SXSW Festival by Manka Bros. Chairman & CEO Khan Manka, Jr.]

March 12, 2013 – Austin Convention Center – Ballroom G

[Khan Manka, Jr. approaches a podium...]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Uh… Dave Grohl was supposed to introduce me – calm down, you idiots… Dave Grohl was supposed to introduce me but apparently he couldn’t pull himself away from the HTML5 panel “Making Your Band Much Cooler By Not Using Flash!”

[There are a few "HTML5 rocks" - and "Yeah!"]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  That was a joke, jerk-offs.  Whatever. I don’t really have much to say.  I’ve been told to calm down on my speeches.  The last few times I’ve given a keynote to one of these ridiculous events they ended in chaos.  MIPCOM, Davos, Sun Valley, Bilderberg, CES, Comic-Con - even a commencement address at Beverly Hills High School went horribly wrong.  So, on the order of my doctors, I’m going to keep things pretty calm.  Can we just go to the first slide, please?

[FIRST SLIDE:  Image - Manka Bros. Studios lot circa 1918.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  I normally don’t like to do slides but I was asked to stay on message – so this is the best way.  Manka Bros. is celebrating its 101st anniversary this year.  Based on size, it is the world’s largest media company.  It is also the world’s oldest movie studio.  Don’t let last year’s Universal and Paramount 100th Anniversary logos fool you – they are lying.  They weren’t really incorporated in 1912 – only Manka Bros. was. Universal and Paramount were nothing but cross-breeding dairy farms in 1912. You can Wikipedia that shit if you want.

[Silence.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  I can see you’re already glazing over.  It’s tough when you go from what used to be a pretty fun movies/music/interactive festival where everyone was drunk and eating barbecue  - to today where you stare at a comic on  a Samsung crap-ass phone in the Verizon Celebrity Douche Lounge while you collect a bunch of crap in a biodegradable bag that will sit in a closet in your house untouched until you eventually throw it away.

[The audiences is more audible.  More fidgeting noises.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s a great life you have – you’re all self-proclaimed hipsters, you go from festival to festival like modern day Deadheads.  Why live life when you can go to arts festivals and talk about the life you will lead once you get home from the festival?  But, of course, you never get home – or if you do, it’s just to recover until the next festival.  It’s a great fucking life.

[A guy in a suit approaches Khan and whispers something in his ear.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  OK OK OK.  I’ve been told by my handlers to get back on message.  Jump past the historical slides and get to the meat.

[Another slide reads: The Digital Transition]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  The single most important issue in Hollywood these days is the digital transition. Basically, we need you assholes to buy digital movies. Stop buying DVDs – stop using Redbox! Re-purchase your entire movie collection from the cloud. Get it? If you don’t, we’re in deep shit. Do you want the movie studios to go out of business, you fuckers?! It’s really the only thing you aspire to – a real movie deal from a real movie studio. You’re lying if you say you just want to make “important” little digital movies on a iPad that the studios don’t have the balls to make. So buy digital movies to keep your pathetic dreams alive. Capische?

[Dave Grohl arrives. The crowd goes crazy.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Well well well – look who decided to show up? Hey, Dave, could you go back to 2003 and introduce me when you were interesting?

[Dave Grohl lunges at Khan Manka, Jr. A Security Guard smacks Grohl easily to the ground. He starts to cry like a toddler. That blonde, skinny drummer guy runs up to assist Grohl. He attacks Khan Manka, Jr. as well - but the Security Guard backhands him to the floor. The crowd turns on Khan Manka, Jr. - throwing officially licensed tchotchkes at the stage.

Khan Manka, Jr.: Those were the only hits the Foo Fighters have had in a while, right? Am I fucking right, you morons?

[With that, Khan Manka, Jr. is ushered off the stage.]

[END OF TRANSCRIPT]

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Continue reading »]]> What I said last year can be repeated this year.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences can F itself.

The same goes for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association…

And while I’m at it, The Producer’s Guild can suck it…

… and any other suck ass group of idiots who wouldn’t know a quality movie if it bit them in the balls.

Did you not even watch the screeners for “The Moonbeamers”?

I know for sure you all kept the cash and spa treatment coupons I sent!

Hawk Koch – you are on my list.

Bad move, pal.

You are officially the worst Academy President ever!

Go ahead and peruse our Manka Bros. Films 2013 Film Slate and our Manka Highbrow 2013 Film Slate so you can decide which movies you won’t vote for next year.

Goddamnit!

That is all.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Continue reading »]]> So, this morning, I returned to the studio after a quick vacation at my house in the Seychelles - feeling relaxed, very tan and ready to make 2013 the biggest and most profitable year in Manka Bros. history.

I even had a smile on my face.

One of my assistants (Vicky, I think??? – the one with the thing on her face), even told me that I looked happy for the first time ever. And then she told me that the Golden Globe Nomations were out – and a copy was on my desk.

Fantastic. I couldn’t wait to see how many films from the 2012 Manka Bros. Films slate and/or Manka Highbrow slate made the list.

I sat down at my desk. A very nice bowl of high-fiber fruit was waiting for me (because I ate way too much extra sharp cheddar cheese on vacation). I made a quick check of the list.

Hmmm… no Manka Bros. titles.

I looked a little closer.  Nope.

That’s really odd.  I sent cases of Slivovitz to every goddamned loser in that ridiculous organization.

There must be some mistake.

To hedge my bets even further (and with a line-up like we had last year, I shouldn’t have had to bribe anybody), I sent cartons of Camel Turkish Blend cigarettes

Then I thought, perhaps we were so loaded down with Television nominations the HFPA felt it would have been too much to give us a Theatrical nomination.

Certainly there would be a few shows from the Manka Bros. Television slate on that list. Everyone has told me that Forensics: The New Voices is a virtual lock for a best drama nomination.

Hmmmm…. no TV nominations either.

I mean, what in the fucking goddamned shit is going on?!!

Adding insult to injury is the fact that Steven Spielberg got nominated for that crap fest “Lincoln.” Are you fucking kidding me?

Spielberg hasn’t made anything decent since that Joan Crawford “Night Gallery” episode!

Did the Hollywood Foreign Press not see “The Moonbeamers”?

Did they not see “Linguini & Clam Sauce”?

Or “The Incarceration of Thomas Freeman”?

Well, Hollywood Foreign Press, don’t worry about nominating us next year – I am done with you.

You’re a bunch of freakin’ chain smoking idiots who pass out nominations based on who will go to the disco with you.

FYI, none of you have a dickwad’s chance in Hell with Anne Hathaway.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World’s Largest Media Company

P.S. – Please return my very expensive booze and cigarettes.  There are many others in this town more deserving of my bribes.

Continue reading »]]> Due to the uncertainty of the fiscal cliff, the fact that my taxes are going up, the shitty year Manka Bros. has had at the box office, the crappy television shows that were produced for our horrible television networks, declining music sales and the frightening losses in our Publishing Group, I have decided to cancel the 2012 Manka Bros. Employee Holiday Party that was to be held at the Nokia Theater and the other surrounding L.A. Live venues and restaurants.

I have requested L.A. Live management to return our substantial deposit.

I know many of you were looking forward to seeing One Direction, Lady Antebellum and Seamus (who also must return their deposits).  Too bad.

If you are better at your jobs next year, maybe we’ll try something like this again. (However, if one of the overpaid executives at the studio would like to pay for it out of his or her own pocket, then I won’t stop you – in fact, I’ll even come and drink all the $100 shots of tequila I can handle).

But this being the season of giving,  I don’t want you to get absolutely nothing from your employer for the Holidays – so for the next week, the Cafeteria is offering 10% off one slice of pizza.

Have a drunk but safe Holiday season and let’s make 2013 a year that doesn’t suck.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World’s Largest Media Company

Continue reading »]]> [The following is a transcribed phone conversation that Khan Manka, Jr. wanted posted on his Chairman's Blog. Per his request, this is unedited - so I apologize for any unseemly language.]

Hello from Cannes!

Earlier today, I gave the keynote address at MIPCOM and now I am sitting here at the Hotel Carlton bar with my good friends Ben Silverman and Harvey Weinstein (though Harvey is not really sitting but sort of bent over on the floor). He is not passed out – so fuck you paparazzi – nothing to see here!

There are also myriad of hangers-on and wannabees – I’m talking to you Jeff Zucker!

It was just brought to my attention that the dumb asses at Fortune forced Jack Welch to quit his little blogger job over some Tweets or some shit? (I’ve been traveling and am a little vague on any details other than what it costs for a Cape Cod in Cannes – 20 fucking Euros!)

Well, whatever the truth (and I’m just dictating this over the phone to my assistant Vicky, the lawyers still have to do the official shit), Manka Bros. would like to offer, you, Jack Welch, a job.

I, frankly, don’t care what area you work in, I just know we would love to be in the Jack Welch business.

We don’t make jet engines or 3D printers (or whatever it was you used to do), but we do make the best damn creative content on the freakin’ planet.

Hang on, Jack.  Fuck you, Silverman, you suck!

Sorry, Jack, Ben’s talking to the Mob Wives or something.

Hang on – yes, and put some goddamned alcohol in it this time!

Sorry, Jack.

Anyway, I’m thinking you could do a financial blog for us or even run the TV division – Jay McBee has really been sucking lately (off the record).  My philosophy there has always been “Anyone But Silverman” in that job.  We have a very prestigious Business Channel and we really need a cranky old nut case like you as one of the morning screamers – it would be a real boon to the ratings.

Just let me know as soon as you can – there are a lot of ex-moguls that would love this opportunity and I’m leaving them hanging until I hear back from you.

Ben’s trying to grab my phone so he can tell you off – did you both work at NBC?! – I’m hanging up!

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company

Continue reading »]]> [The following is a transcript of Khan Manka, Jr.'s keynote address at MIPCOM 2012.  A disclaimer: Mr. Manka arrived late and was unable to have his speech entered into the TelePrompTer so his prepared remarks were not given.]

MIPCOM 2012 – KHAN MANKA, JR. KEYNOTE ADDRESS

“Rock You Like A Hurricane” plays as Khan Manka, Jr. walks to the MIPCOM podium.

Khan Manka, Jr. (KMJ): Look, we’re all a little fucked up today. I left my speech at the Carlton Bar this morning – technically last night – right, Ben?

Ben Silverman, in the front row, wearing sunglasses and a fedora, gives a thumbs up.

KMJ:  Damn, dude, you know a lot of crazy chicks! But I don’t need my speech.  I know what I want to say – and it’s much better than what Harvey Weinstein said earlier, right? Come on, I’ll fight all of you! Is it just me or is Harvey Weinstein starting to look more and more every day  like Charles Laughton in Hunchback of Notre Dame.  Huh?!

The lights flash on and off.

KMJ: OK OK – I get it. No fat Harvey jokes – allright! Jesus freakin’ Christ. Apparently, the head of MIPCOM – I don’t know his name – I’ll call him DICK COM – doesn’t like jokes. But, of course, Steve Levitan comes out here and does some lame ass shit and you’re falling all over the floor. I’ll bet you wouldn’t have laughed at that crap before he was famous.

Another flash of the lights.

KMJ:  FUCK YOU – I UNDERSTAND! Television. Let’s talk television. I disagree with anyone who says this is a new Golden Age of television. They called the 50s the Golden Age. But what was the 70s? Goddamned Norman Lear? How could not call that a Golden Age? There was a lot of golden crap produced in the 1950s and every decade after that. For every “Modern Family” produced there is a “Mob Doctor” or, Jesus, “Mob Wives” – sorry, Ben, but it’s total shit and should be against the law – or at least against the laws of God.

Ben Silverman is talking to the waitress who brought over his drink order and is not paying attention.

KMJ: Look, at Manka Bros. we don’t believe in platitudes – we simply produce the world’s best television. There is no question about that. It’s not subjective. It is a fact. But that doesn’t mean we’re profitable. Our fucking international buying agents clearly have had their heads up their asses for several years now. I recommend you all go to our website and check the fall schedule for MBS. Not a flop in the bunch. Suck on that, Fox! LOOK OUT BELOW!

Khan Manka, Jr. wavers a bit and then falls to the floor. He quickly pops back up, takes a cocktail from Ben Silverman and continues.

KMJ: We’ve developed a new content model at Manka Bros. We call it the Circus-Circus-All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet model. Because it doesn’t matter what you produce – be it a feature film, scripted drama, comedy, reality series, web series – Shields & Yarnell crappy ass mime show – whatever – it’s all about how much and where you consume it. And, like, the Circus Circus Buffet, whether you’re eating those frightening powdered eggs or Cap’n Crunch, it’s all going to come out the same color in the end. And that color is green. Like money color.

Khan Manka, Jr. takes a long drink and closes his eyes for about 10 seconds, regaining his bearings.

KMJ: From this day forward, everything we produce will be available on a worldwide day-and-date basis. If we make a movie, you can watch it on TV, in a theater, at home, on your iPad, in the airplane, at the hotel… in the… in the… toilet. Anywhere you want for as long as you want for one price… $129.95. Any questions?

Nearly every hand raises in the audience. Khan Manka, Jr. stumbles off the stage. Ben Silverman stands and applauds. “Rock You Like A Hurricane” starts to play.

Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company