I Once Ate A Man In Korea

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas Macarthur

I once ate a man in Korea.  I’d prefer not to go into details.  The Pentagon told us never to discuss it.  I obey my orders from the Pentagon unlike all these pussy generals that parade onto CNN and talk about how we’re not fighting the war right.  Shut the fuck up! – with all due respect – sirs!

Anyway, I once ate a man in Korea.  The whole man.  Like the Indians with the buffalo, I used every piece of that unlucky son of a bitch.

It was a freezing spring day in 1952 when the “incident” occurred.  Eighteen inches of snow, frozen roads, sub-zero temperatures.  I saw a man’s face shatter like ice when he was shaving with a rusty razor.  Brutal.  Goddamned brutal.  So rather than die of starvation and loneliness – I ate that dead Korean.

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurAll THOSE DAMN KIDS know how to do is fall off their skateboards and throw dog shit onto my lawn.

I’m going to mark the edge of my property with sulfuric acid so the next time Snotty Scotty falls on my grass the skin will fall right off his ass!  That’s what that punk deserves and that’s what I want to see!

I’ve heard stories that people from Michigan are cannibals by nature.  I’m not sure if that’s true or not.

I haven’t eaten anyone since 1952.  Mrs. Aldrich hasn’t eaten anyone since 1986 (that’s a joke).  It was closer to 1982 (that’s also a joke).  As far as I know, she’s never eaten one person.  But she’s from Iowa.  And people from Iowa are more interested in chicken.

Days like this make me sad.

THOSE DAMN KIDS giggling like gorillas and rolling down my street on their fat bodies will never know what it’s like to be really hungry.  I mean REALLY hungry.  So hungry that you’d… well, you know…

The sacrifices I made just so they could go to Arby’s

I’ll talk at you next week…

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

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3 Responses to I Once Ate A Man In Korea

  1. Pingback: The VFW Hall Ain’t What It Used To Be | Those Damn Kids

  2. General MacArthur says:

    The old man is lying. A USA soldier never ate one of the enemy. If we ever ate a human it was one of our own – American born and bred!

  3. Dude says:

    What did they expect you to do? Eat those shitty beans?

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