Mrs. Aldrich turns on the TV for me. She liquified some strawberries and poured me a nice big glass of vodka.
I was ready for five hours of peace and enjoyment.
But, apparently, those damned mucky kids were also up and running around the the neighborhood drunk from some all night party.
They were vomiting on my lawn, fighting on my lawn, throwing eggs at my house and, in general, making me wish I was living in eastern Ukraine.
There were THUMPS and SCREAMS and there was nothing I could do.
I called the police but in East Lansing, that doesn’t really get anywhere. They don’t come for loud noise… only murder… but not for a while.
I told them that was a real possibility if those damn kids didn’t shut their yaps and go home.
I am choosing not to show images of Those Damn Drunken Kids
While I’m dealing with the noise and waiting on the phone, Rory McIllroy is having an incredible round with some incredible shots.
Tom Watson is, once again, playing for us old guys.
And Tiger Woods is in the hunt. (After Round 2 strike the above comment.)
I sent Mrs. Aldrich outside to try to deal with the situation, but she came back quickly to get some water to put out a bag of flaming shit that she could see outside on the doorstep.
That was it!
Snotty Scotty and his drunken terrorists were finally going to meet their maker.
I was going to kill them, finish watching the 1st round of The Open Championship and then call the police to tell them there has been a justified killing.
Just as was going to get my gun, there was a knock at the door.
If this was ding dong ditch ’em, and I open that door and no one is there, the whole neighborhood is going up in flames. I’ll burn it all down.
Standing in the doorway was my old friend Dick Shepherd – looking worse than ever. Dick has 1/4 of a lung, one working eye, half a tongue and various other horrible ailments.
He had stomped out the flaming poop and there was no one to be seen on my lawn. Just some leftover mess that Mrs. Aldrich will clean up later.
“Dick, what the Hell? Where are those damn kids that were out here?”
“I dragged one off your lawn. There are two passed out drunk on the street.”
“But what are you doing here?”
“It’s The Open Championship – I brought a bottle of vodka.”
Good ol’ one eye, half tongue Dick. I could always count on him.
You know we’re living in a crazy fucked up world when a victory for Russia is that no one gets killed during the Sochi Olympic games.
If terrorists do not strike, I can imagine Vladimir Putin shouting from the Caucasus Mountains: “See, I told you! Now please you to come to Russia for visit. We are safe!”
The fact is, most people in the world will be very surprised if there isn’t at least one act of violence or terrorism during the games.
I personally believe there will be several acts of violence and probably a couple of countries will leave early because of it.
What’s the point of going there then?
I understand it for the athletes, they been training their entire young lives and this might be their only shot. If you’re a cross-country skier, you roll the dice at that point.
But why do we have to send Matt Lauer and Savannah Guthrie into the shit?
How many morning show hosts are we willing to sacrifice for sport? 15? 20?
Shame on you, NBC.
Send that guy that’s always in the flak jacket in Egypt. He can probably tell you what’s happening in the luge.
There’s no upside for Russia as host of these games. Why would anyone visit a place that needs 40,000 troops to protect you?
A million troops could probably protect South Sudan but you see them trying to host the Academy Awards or even a bowling tournament.
It’s such a joke.
Those Olympics venues will look like Sarajaveo’s in a couple of years with grass growing through what used to be a Curling arena or whatever.
I hear they have 40,000 troops guarding the Games.
That has to make one feel secure – 40,000 drunken Russian troops lusting after Polish ice dancers.
The goddamned Polish ice dancers never had a chance.
So, let’s run down the 7 DEADLY SINS and see how the great men from Virginia and New Jersey fared:
SIN #1 – LUST:
This is probably the one that no one in America cares about (at least not from these guys). They both obviously had a lust for power but most think of this one in a sexual context – so let’s just assume they had it and let’s try not to think about it any more.
SIN #2 – GLUTTONY:
I’m looking at Governor Christie mainly on this one (butter ain’t butter unless it’s deep fried!). Governor McDonnell obviously has a gluttony for wedding dinners but Governor Christie had a gluttony for everyone else’s dinner.
SIN #3 – GREED:
Governor McDonnell (and wife) – any questions? And Governor Christie’s greed for political endorsements was his undoing – though it’s hard to understand why anyone would be that stupid. As a comparison, Governor Christie easily wins the battle of Greed – like a foot race between Usain Bolt and Betty White.
SIN #4 – SLOTH:
Governor Christie – any questions? In general both men are guilty because they had no desire to cover their tracks. So lazy. Corruption in the digital age has never seen such sloth. How hard is it to hide the bullshit you are attempting to do?
SIN #5 – WRATH:
The wrath by Governor Christie on those who wouldn’t endorse him is (allegedly – HA!) certainly wrath – right, Carl Lewis, Mayor of Hoboken and Mayor of Ft. Lee?
SIN #6 – ENVY:
Both Governors really envy Air Force 1 and would have loved to have been in control of that son of a bitch. Alas, ain’t gonna happen.
Mrs. McDonnell, you really couldn’t wait to demand a Rolex with an inscription? In the words of the whore Julia Roberts from “Pretty Woman” – ‘BIG MISTAKE!’
SIN #7 – PRIDE:
Governor Christie had to boast about being the guy who put the cones down during #Bridgegate. If only that’s all you did. If you kept the bridge open, you may have been President of the United States. And if Bob McDonnell would have…
Nah – Bob McDonnell wouldn’t have been gum sweeper at a Presidential theme park no matter what he did – so I suppose he should have tried to get all the shit he could. He and his wife were just really sloppy.
The real tragedy is Chris Christie – his dreams are dead.
If I ever saw man who was never going to be President of the United States it is Chris Christie.
He just has no chance and should not take one more dollar from a person who wants to donate to his Presidential campaign.
If he had any dignity, he would realize that it’s all over, apologize and figure out what he’s going to do for the rest of his life.
Because he’s not going to be President – and will most likely not hold any elected office ever again.
That’s just the truth.
He reminds me of Those Damn Kids on my block who think they just do whatever they want – walk on my lawn, put burning bags of shit on my porch, toilet paper in my trees – and expect to get away with it.
He has about as much control over his staff as he does with his weight – zero.
Which is also the percentage chance he has to be President.
Lester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids
