Tag: Tiger Woods

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I Don’t Give A S**T About Golf Anymore!

Brooks Koepka – Champion – So Proud

Hello…

This post is not about Those Damn Kids, I’ll get back to that soon enough. Snotty Scotty has been a terror – more on that next time.

This is about the loss in my life of one of the great passions of my life – watching professional golf.

When the Saudis started a rival league to compete directly with the PGA and a few name golfers decided to join up, shunning the organization that gave them everything they have in their life (the PGA), I said good riddance.

The those idiots in the middle east want to give a 55-year-old Phil Mickelson $100 million dollars to shoot 75 round-after-round – fine. Have a great life, Phil.

Phil Mickelson – Choke

You’re the one that has to live with the fact that you’re taking money from a government who harbored terrorists that flew planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon and has no problem chopping up a journalist (Jamal Khashoggi, let’s not forget his name) in their own Embassy (and were not penalized, but rewarded, – but I digress).

Same Organization Funded Both Things

So… that, for me, was already a lot to take in. But, seriously, who gives a fuck about Phil Mickelson and the greatest choker in major golf history – Greg Norman.

Greg Norman – Choke

But then a couple of weeks ago, Brooks Koepka, smug asshole that he is,  (another one who took the $100 million from the Saudis  – just to play – not even to win!) was allowed to play in the PGA Tournament. That alone felt like treason. But then, he actually won the damned thing!

Brooks Koepka – Champion – So Proud

Shit, man, I was livid.

I actually threw my walker at the television after that final putt.

My wife wasn’t around so I had to crawl out of my chair to retrieve my walker. I’ve said it before – it sucks to get old. Something I can’t wait for Those Damn Kids to experience in about sixty years or so.

And now… the ultimate Judas kiss.

The PGA – and it nearly kills me just to write it – and the LIV “Terrorist” League are going to MERGE!

TO MERGE!

All those golfers like Tiger and Rory,  who could have a much higher payday from the Saudis, but decided that they couldn’t be bought and stayed loyal to the PGA, essentially, got screwed.

Phil Mickelson gets $100 million to shoot 75, Tiger and Rory, get bupkis.

Tiger Woods – Rory Mcilroy

So, I’m done with professional golf.  If there is a college tournament on TV, something that is still untainted (don’t laugh at my naivete) – then maybe I’ll watch.

The PGA has broken a lot of Americans hearts today.

Everything is not about money.

Just because someone is paying you a billion dollars to look the other way doesn’t mean you have to take it.

Fuckers.

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The Open Championship Is My Super Bowl!

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Lester Aldrich, Those Damn Kids, The Open Championship, Rory McIlroy, Dick Shepherd, Tom Watson, Tiger Woods, Snotty ScottyThose damn kids on my block always seem to know when and how to junk up my day.

I get up at 5:00 am every morning.

I suck some oatmeal through a straw because my teeth can’t chew anymore.

I do the crossword.

I read the news on the internet because except for the crossword, newspapers are old news.

But this morning and every morning through this weekend I am getting up at 4:00 am to watch my favorite sporting event – The Open Championship.

On these four days, I don’t care if planes are getting shot out of the sky by Russians or if Israel launches a ground invasion into Gaza.

I just want to watch The Open Championship!

Mrs. Aldrich turns on the TV for me. She liquified some strawberries and poured me a nice big glass of vodka.

I was ready for five hours of peace and enjoyment.

But, apparently, those damned mucky kids were also up and running around the the neighborhood drunk from some all night party.

They were vomiting on my lawn, fighting on my lawn, throwing eggs at my house and, in general, making me wish I was living in eastern Ukraine.

There were THUMPS and SCREAMS and there was nothing I could do.

I called the police but in East Lansing, that doesn’t really get anywhere. They don’t come for loud noise… only murder… but not for a while.

I told them that was a real possibility if those damn kids didn’t shut their yaps and go home.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Lester Aldrich, Those Damn Kids, The Open Championship, Rory McIlroy, Dick Shepherd, Tom Watson, Tiger Woods, Snotty Scotty
I am choosing not to show images of Those Damn Drunken Kids

While I’m dealing with the noise and waiting on the phone, Rory McIllroy is having an incredible round with some incredible shots.

Tom Watson is, once again, playing for us old guys.

And Tiger Woods is in the hunt. (After Round 2 strike the above comment.)

I sent Mrs. Aldrich outside to try to deal with the situation, but she came back quickly to get some water to put out a bag of flaming shit that she could see outside on the doorstep.

That was it!

Snotty Scotty and his drunken terrorists were finally going to meet their maker.

I was going to kill them, finish watching the 1st round of The Open Championship and then call the police to tell them there has been a justified killing.

Just as was going to get my gun, there was a knock at the door.

If this was ding dong ditch ’em, and I open that door and no one is there, the whole neighborhood is going up in flames. I’ll burn it all down.

Standing in the doorway was my old friend Dick Shepherd – looking worse than ever. Dick has 1/4 of a lung, one working eye, half a tongue and various other horrible ailments.

He had stomped out the flaming poop and there was no one to be seen on my lawn. Just some leftover mess that Mrs. Aldrich will clean up later.

“Dick, what the Hell? Where are those damn kids that were out here?”

“I dragged one off your lawn. There are two passed out drunk on the street.”

“But what are you doing here?”

“It’s The Open Championship – I brought a bottle of vodka.”

Good ol’ one eye, half tongue Dick. I could always count on him.

I’ll talk at you next week…

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P.S. – Rory McIlroy is leading after the 1st round at -6.

 

 

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Dick Shepherd

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Lester Aldrich, Those Damn Kids, Dick Shepherd, Michigan State, Tiger Woods, World War 2Dick Shepherd (left picture – 1943) came by the house last weekend and we watched golf and basketball on television.

Michigan State looks good and so does Tiger Woods (though I think if he gets close to breaking Sam Sneed’s record for most victories or Jack Nicholson’s record most major victories, someone should break Tiger’s hands).

Dick Shepherd – or ‘Shep’ as I call him – has been an acquaintance of mine for over 75 years. Neither one of us left the neighborhood after the war like so many others I used to know that are long since dead.

Shep moved to East Lansing in 1935 from Hawaii. And like everyone from that stupid “state,” he’s about as smart as a coconut. He’s got six stupid grandchildren that like to do stuff like hide his dentures and spray him with the hose.

Thank God it was cold outside – so Those Damn Kids from the neighborhood were most likely pissing all over the mall urinals and watching another two hours of Hollywood tripe.

This is not a complaint. I am grateful for the afternoon of peace from those little assholes.

But back to Shep. He’s got one kidney, half a tongue and a quarter lung left. Doctors say, once he gets down to an eighth of a lung, he can being the countdown to his death.

Shep’s looking forward to that countdown – aren’t we all.

He still smokes and chews tobacco at the same time.

Good ol’ Shep.

I’d put a current picture of Shep here – but I promised him I wouldn’t. There is absolutely no resemblance left of that young man up there.

So we’re watching this golf tournament and every one of the damn commercials is about retirement planning or erectile disorder. Is every man who watches golf impotent and in need of financial advice?

But the commercials on the Michigan State basketball game were about young men drinking and trying to have sex with young attractive women.

If those young men want to keep having sex with those young women, they had better watch more golf and figure out how to stay erect and plan for a strong financial future.

Or they’ll just end up like me.

I’ll talk at you next week…

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