Good morning.  As we all know, Michael Jackson died yesterday (though he's been dead to me for several years after failing to show up at my 1995 Holiday Party.  He didn't even call!  That's about the biggest mistake you can make in this town - just ask Michael Ovitz).  And if it's true that he overdosed on Demerol, it's a real tragedy.  I could have died from it myself.  I was addicted to Demerol in the 1980s (among other things) and that shit really affects your judgment.  You should have seen some of the crappy movies I greenlit during that time!  If it wasn't for a hardcore intervention by Jerry Weintraub, John Denver and Cher, I would be dead today.  But that's another story...

Anyway, Phil Anschutz (media tycoon and owner of AEG Live) called me last night in a horrible panic.  He told me what I, and the rest of the world, already knew - that Michael Jackson had died and would be unable to perform the scheduled shows at AEG Live's O2/Millennium Dome in London (something insane like 50 shows over the next nine months).  Supposedly, $85 million worth of tickets had already been bought and must be refunded unless another huge star can come in and fill the void.   AEG Live will lose millions unless a solution can be found.

There was a long pause on the other end.  I got a bad feeling in my stomach as I knew where he was going next.  His voice sort of trembled and he said:  "Khan, do you think it's at all possible...?"

I wanted to stop him right there and hang up.  The request he was about to make was going to be nearly impossible to pull off.  I let him finish.

"... Do you think you could ask Séamus to do those shows for me?" 

"Oh, Jesus, Phil... That's fucking insane!  Séamus is just about the biggest star there is.  He doesn't substitute for anyone.  It would be an incredible insult."

I could hear Phil sobbing.  "I just don't know where to turn.  I'm sorry I bothered you."

Just as he was about to hang up, I gave in and made him a promise.  "Phil, I realize this took an incredible amount of courage.  Giant balls.  I'll contact Séamus only because we're old friends.  He will laugh in my face and probably try to break his contract with MMG.  But I'll make the call."

A few more days like this and I'll be back on the Demerol.

[Note to assistant Vicky Adler:  Please have Emily Sachs return from her vacation in the Seychelles and send her to Séamus' castle in Ireland to make the request.  Tell her to be careful, he has guns.] 

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

The Manka Bros. Studio Commissary is a disgrace to the industry!

COME ON!  HOW FREAKIN' HARD IS IT TO MAKE COQ AU VIN?!!

This is why I have a private chef.  Thank God for Helmut!

I don't know how you employees are able to choke it down day after day.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios 

... so much so, that he insisted during my weekend stay at his beach hut in Montauk that we all call him Fernando... Fernando Immelt.  Being in the content creation business, you would think that someone taking on a fictional personality wouldn't bother me at all - but when Jeffrey gets that crazed look in his eyes like Colonel Kurtz and says "call me FERNANDO", it can really creep you out... and absolutely terrify you.

Jeffrey is a very powerful man in the media world (much less so over the past few horrible months) and it was just bizarre to see him leading a "salsa jam" on the beach with Mort Zuckerman, Alice Cooper and Meg Whitman.  Very strange indeed.  I'm lucky I am still recovering from last year's ankle injury and wasn't even remotely available to join in even after the Montauk Mudslides began to flow.

Don't get me wrong.  I was a wild man in my late teens and early 20s.  I was the son of a movie mogul (the great Harry Manka).  I was out of control in my youth.  I followed the Dead with Richard Fuld (disgraced former head of Lehman Brothers).  Marlon Brandon and Wally Cox took me under their wing when I was 13 and brought me to all the best Hollywood orgies (Walter Matthau's house was like the freakin' Chicken Ranch).  It was a great time.  I was in San Francisco with Paul Krassner and the Merry Pranksters and licked sheets of acid as though they were Bomb Pops (or what we would have called them back then - 'No Bomb Pops, Man').  It goes on and on and on.

So I am definitely not one to judge my colleague Jeffrey Immelt.  If he wants to be a 'salsa god' (as he called himself more than once), I think he still has enough powerful media contacts to pull it off.  I just wish he didn't wear that thong.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.  Jeffrey Immelt, CEO of GE, called me last night and invited me to his little beach hut at Montauk for a long weekend.  Unlike other little pussy CEOs that are afraid to gas up the corporate jet in these difficult economic times, I called up my pilot, Shane, and told him to get me to Montauk ASAP.

I'm really glad I came.  It's absolutely beautiful here, even with the horrible weather.  I love being able to dictate something on the beach and have thousands of people read it almost immediately.  Go fuck yourselves, losers.  Get a life!  Just kidding!  [Note to Manka Bros. Strategy Group:  Whoever came up with the technology to be able to blog on the beach - I want to hire that person immediately!]

You may all be wondering why Jeffrey Immelt wanted to bring me here (and, no, it wasn't to buy NBC Universal - I told him that was never going to happen - not after that stupid tour guide made fun of me on that tram ride years ago).  He said there was no reason - he just wanted my friendship (with his company's stock sitting at about $11, I'm sure he needs all the friends he can get).

And as long as the massages and martinis keep coming - I'll stay.  I also understand he's a killer Yahtzee player - so I figure I'll teach him a lesson or two later tonight.

[Note to the Manka Bros. Strategy Group:  I'm thinking of buying a yacht here so I need a team of people to work over the weekend to prepare a presentation I may or may not give next week at the Montauk Yachting Club.  It's all old money here (well, what's left after fucking Madoff stole the rest) - so they want a complete history of our studio as well.]

Ha ha ha... Mort Zuckerman just went by on his boat and mooned everyone on the beach!  He is quite the card!

Anyway, I'll need this presentation no later than Sunday evening so I need to see a draft Saturday night.

Regards,

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  Last night, I had dinner with Cyrus Weinstein - President of the Manka Bros. Publishing Group.  He informed me that the publishing business is in danger - books, magazines and newspaper sales are way down.  And it's not just because of the recession - it's a full-scale shift in the way people consume media.  The increase in digital downloads and advertising from online publishing sites (including our own Mankazines and Manka Books websites) are not making up the difference.  The only glimmer of a bright spot was our MC Comics division which we continue to mine for feature film franchises.

As we proceeded to eat our $200 steaks at Cut in Beverly Hills (which I hope Cyrus will not attempt to put through in his expense report!), I asked him what he thought, if anything, could turn things around.  He told me one word... "niche."  He has developed a "long tail" niche publishing strategy that will focus completely on his target audience - people who buy books (i.e., old people, gay people, lonely widows, etc.). 

He punctuated his thought by telling me that Manka Iambic (our Poetry Publishing imprint - who knew?) had just signed gay Moroccan poet Ahmet Ghary Cool to a two book deal worth over $1 million dollars.  His first book for us will be called Awake In My Dreams and will come out this fall.

"How many poetry books by this guy do you expect to sell?", I asked.

As Cyrus drank from his glass of 1982 Mouton-Rothchild, he said... "Two to three thousand in the first year and then a few hundred every year after that - mostly to gay Moroccan college students.  It's not about sales.  It's about prestige.  We'll win awards with that guy and that will drive other authors to our labels."

After a long pause and a couple of shots of Slivovitz, I asked him what else was on the drawing board.

"We have a terrific new cook book coming out called Great Recipes By Unknown Chefs and a user-generated travel book called Best Of The Internet Travel Blogs."

For some reason, I thought I was on some sort of Gotcha/Punk'd television show where the host would come out and Cyrus would say it was all a joke.

But it wasn't a joke.  This is the future of our Publishing Group and it seriously scares the shit out of me. 

Cyrus Weinstein has been a trailblazing executive in the world of publishing for over 40 years but I think his dinosaur bones are starting to show and it may be time to bury him so that future generations can dig him up and say "Oh, so this is what a publishing executive looked like."

But... he has earned my respect over the years and he deserves the shot to make his new strategy work. 

God help us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.

I would like some summer intern (or Jay McBee - I don't really care) to run out and get me a the new iPhone 3G.  I want to see what all the fuss is about.  I must have this before noon (I am going to The Grill with Jeff Katzenberg and would like to show it to him at lunch) - so be creative in the way you cut to the front of the lines.  If you need to use my name to get to the top of the list, go ahead and do it.

Thank you.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. - Do we have a movie opening today?  Someone get back to me on this.

Good afternoon.  This morning, I received a call from my good friend Ari Emanuel - the great man who single-handedly saved William Morris from the dung heap by creating agency powerhouse WME.  That son of a bitch actually had the heart to give a couple of the old Morris agents a job in the new company.  Personally, I would have kicked all of their asses to the street and said "Take your Dionne Warwick with you!"  But Ari is a gracious man and good good friend.

We met at Sharky's Woodfired Mexican Grill on Beverly Blvd.  I hadn't seen Ari in a few months and he was much much taller than I remembered.  He ordered the Mesquite Fish Burrito and told me the Chicken Fajita Bowls there were fantastic.  He knew how much I loved chicken fajita bowls (and he was right, it was fantastic).  Ari got right down to business:

AE:  "Khan, what the fuck?"

KMJ:  "Ari, break my balls and you're done in this town.  I ruined Eisner and Ovitz and I'll ruin you, too."

AE:  "'Red Dot'?  You fucking bought 'Red Dot'?"

He was talking about Manka Bros.' recent $300 million acquisition the popular Japanese manga character 'Red Dot'. 

AE:  "Manga is dead.  If you keep fucking up, Manka will be dead.  You're spending a billion on short-form content.  Short-form is dead!"

Ari tried to keep his voice down.

AE:  "I have to watch what I say.  Gossip bloggers fucking live in my shower these days.  Seriously, Khan, the internet is dead.  Recorded music and digital cinema is the future.  Fucking move on!  Jesus."

He was talking about our recent announcement to spend $1 billion on short-form internet content.

KMJ:  "Glad to know you read my blog."

He continued to slice and dice our recent news announcements and ordered two (or was it three) more Mesquite Fish Burritos. 

During his tirade detailing how I'm destroying the media business, Michael Douglas called.  I know Ari hardly ever takes a call or touches his Blackberry in a meeting... but this time he picked up.  It wasn't a big deal, Michael just wanted to know if his nose looked like it was in proper alignment.  He received the AFI Lifetime Achievement Award last week (in which I attended with good friend Lee Ann Womack) and the pictures were just starting to hit the papers.  I told Ari to tell Michael that his nose seemed okay - it was his skin that looked freakin' bizarre.  And he should lose the giant glasses.

With a few deft words of encouragement, Ari talked Michael off the ledge and got back to our conversation.  He attacked our upcoming movie slate. 

AE:  "What the fuck is 'Freedom Swimmers'?  Michael Phelps in a World War fucking 2 movie?  Are you fucking kidding me?  Robin Rafe has no f-ing idea what she's doing!"

He wanted to know if 'My Sister's Keeper' was our movie (nope, it's Warners').  He absolutely loved it and cried throughout the whole thing. 

AE:  "That's the kind of movie I want my clients to make.  No more big budget, bullshit summer movies.  If I could make one hundred 'My Sister's Keeper's a year, I would die a happy man.  I'm really pushing my clients to get away from the loud bullshit tentpoles and more toward the quiet Rotterdam Film Festival-type things. 

This was the real reason Ari wanted to have lunch.  He read about Manka Bros.' recently launched Mumblecore division and wanted to see if any of the upcoming projects might fit his client list.  Even if it meant slashing their fees to scale, he would be willing to do it.

AE:  "There just aren't a lot of opportunities out there for big name, A-list Hollywood stars to do small, personal, independent films.  Please help me, Khan.  If I don't get help from my old friends, this agency won't last more than a few weeks."

So I will help.   Ari is an old friend and he paid for lunch.

Many people don't know this, but Ari was in the Manka Bros. mailroom in the late-1980s and I feel it was his time at the studio that gave him the skills necessary to succeed in this town. 

Funny story:  After he was fired for stealing files and petty cash, he reportedly told the HR person to 'fuck off and die.'  He then slashed her tires and told her husband she was cheating on him.  Classic. 

I would do anything to help that man keep his little agency afloat.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

This morning, we made a very exciting announcement that will be a huge boost to our Manka Kids and MC Comics divisions.

Over the weekend, we purchased 'Red Dot' - the wildly popular manga character from Kodansha, Ltd. - for $300 million.  I know that is a shit load of money for a little red dot that doesn't really do anything - but I have been assured that this is a very popular character with the kids.  So the acquisition price will seem like peanuts in the long run.  And after all of our horrible earnings announcements last year, I felt we needed a little something to jump start our business.

Many of you are probably wondering how this acquisition came about so quickly.  For one thing, I am very good friends with Kodansha President Sawako Noma.  She would probably hate that I'm telling you all this, but we used to date in the early 1980s.  At the time, Japanese companies were buying up a lot of American companies (thank you Ronald Reagan) and she came over to the studio to 'kick the tires', if you will.  I won't go into details but to say that she 'kicked the tires' for two straight hot weeks (including an unforgettable weekend in Vegas).  But then she was recalled to Japan by her family and that was that.  They didn't buy the studio.  My heart was broken.  Life hasn't been the same since.

So welcome Red Dot to the Manka Bros. Family of Characters!  I really don't get why it's popular.  It's just a stupid red dot that anyone can draw - but I'm not a 9 year old kid. 

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Basta!  Enough.  No more baby photos.  No more morning updates about "needing coffee" - it's over.

Big media companies have been very patient with the commoners currently populating the internet but enough is enough!  We are going to take back your time and make you watch what WE PRODUCE.  Capisce?

Things have gotten so bad lately that I even created a Facebook page for myself.  I'm KHAN FUCKING MANKA - THE WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL MEDIA EXECUTIVE AND I HAVE A FACEBOOK PAGE???  Pathetic.

From this day forward, I declare social networking dead.  My fellow media mogul brothers and sisters (including Bob Iger, Sumner Redstone, Jeff Zucker, Carol Bartz, Les Moonves, etc.) agree 100% with me - with the exception of my great friend Rupert Murdoch who betrayed us all with his boneheaded purchase of MySpace. 

So... what does all this mean for the general population?  It means, no more Facebook, MySpace, Linkedin, Plaxo, etc. etc.  No more user-generated skateboard videos, 'baby's first steps', 'drunk cats', and amateur "filmmakers'" lame attempts at online comedy series.  No more.  If you want to entertain your friends with your travel photos, I suggest you get a slide projector and cram people into your living room because the internet is going to be off-limits for that sort of bullshit.

If these sites don't close down over the next few weeks or, at the very least, restrict access to media professionals only, we will shut off your internet and make you watch television again.

Thank you for your understanding.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Rupert Murdoch hosted a charity benefit last night in his North Hollywood apartment.  I was expecting a man of his wealth and power to have a nicer place but he said keeping his personal living expenses down was the main reason he could afford to stay in business during the worst economy since the Dutch Tulip Bubble Burst in 1637.  That's fair enough - but  the cement block and plywood bookshelves seemed a little ridiculous.

But I digress... on to the benefit.  For many years, Rupert has been involved in the charity Moguls Find Lost Kittens (or M.I.L.K.).  He started it after his son, Lachlan, lost his baby kitten, Joey, when he was 17 years old and wouldn't stop crying, screaming and sucking his thumb.  Rupert vowed to find Joey and launched a charity in the process called Murdoch Finds Lost Kittens (also M.I.L.K.).  (It was changed to "Moguls" after Dick Parsons and Sumner Redstone heard about it and also wanted to get involved.  Legend has it they both had traumatic childhoods that involved lost kittens.)

The party was okay.  The food not bad.  I didn't realize it was BYOB so I had to bum a couple of beers from Sheryl Crow, who was the evening's entertainment.  There wasn't room in the apartment for her band - so she just did a few songs on acoustic guitar.  

After we all had some Doritos and cubes of cheddar cheese, Rupert stood in front of the crammed gathering in his living room.  Most were sitting on the floor or the window sill.  I got the couch because I had to put my foot up due to a flare up of my injured ankle.   Rupert waited for silence.  (Bob Iger was getting pretty drunk on the two bottles of 1997 Opus One that he brought [he didn't share] and wouldn't stop yakking about the High School Musical 3 DVD release.  Okay, okay - it's going to be huge.  But your earnings were shit - down 64%.  So stop bragging!) 

When it was quiet, Sheryl Crow started to play softly on the guitar and Rupert held up a picture of a kitten:  "This is Joey.  In 1988, my son, Lachlan, lost this kitten and nearly committed suicide.  I vowed on that day to find all the lost kittens of the world.  It is a monumental task.  A far bigger task than building a media empire.  Everyone in this room knows how to do that.  But we don't know how to find all the lost kittens.  Will you join me in this effort?"

New Yahoo! CEO Carol Bartz and Eric Schmidt of Google were crying.  In fact, we were all visibly moved.  And we all got out our checkbooks.

Rupert Murdoch is a great friend.  And a great man.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

I have an update on our billion dollar Manka Fun Park Yemen.  As many of you may remember, I went over to Yeman in August for the groundbreaking ceremony.  After that, due to political turmoil and badly handled wire transfers, they never got around to actually starting construction.  However, today, I received a telefax that they have begun building in earnest. 

Even though I thought the opening would have to be pushed back a few months, I was assured by the Yemeni leader Ali Abdullah Saleh that since labor costs in that country are non-existent and there are no overtime rules, the scheduled opening in 2010 will easily be met.  That's the beauty of a dictatorship!

This is great news for Manka Bros. because Yemen is a completely untapped market for Western-style entertainment.  Disney has been too busy concentrating on China to realize where the real money is.  Losers.  We will have the market to ourselves.

Now if we can only get a fucking movie that makes money we'll really be on a roll.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

I'm back from Las Vegas.  I will not talk about much of it for fear that my daughter, Connie, will be embarrassed by her old man's debauchery.  One thing I will say, however, is that Terry Semel is a great guy.  He bets a lot - he wins a lot - he shares it with the people who bring us drinks.  The drive was uneventful.  The air conditioning in his Saab was not too good - so it was hot.  Terry had never seen the World's Tallest Thermometer in Baker - so we stopped and saw that - took a  few pictures.  It was nice.

Now I'm back at the studio - re-energized and ready to entertain the world. 

Let's get to work people.  I think Up doing $68 million is a good sign for our upcoming animated movie Mobsters.  I mean, what do you think kids would rather see:  An old man in a balloon or a bunch of lobsters in the MOB. 

FYI, I'm having lunch with Sumner Redstone today about a very exciting new venture that may or may not happen.  I'll let you know.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. - I am grateful to Caesar's Palace for adding the Vomitorium.  It came in handy more than once. 

What a nightmare!  Somebody could have told me he was a socialist!  Why the fuck do I pay you people?  You all know how much I dislike socialists.  They make me itch.  And this guy is no socialist let me tell you that right now. 

First of all, he didn't bring shit and didn't share anything with me.  All he did was take take take!  He didn't even bring his own booze and he drinks a lot.  Thank God Slivovitz (a proud sponsor of MBS) sends me a case a month or he would have drank me dry.  This dinner was a complete and total disaster.  And on top of it - I'm hungover and useless today.  I'm going to need a full staff from the studio to come up here and do everything for me.  My leg is killing me.

Let me explain.  First of all, I am a proud Bulgarian-American.  My father (Harry) and uncles (Khan, Sr. and Simeon) immigrated to this country at the turn of the century and our family has lived the American dream for over 100 years - creating the World's Largest Media Company.  Over the years as Americans, we have acquired untold riches and treasure.  But our blood is Bulgarian.  Last night was going to be a great night at my Beverly Hills compound.  I have received many heads of state in the past - but the visit of Bulgarian Prime Minister Sergey Stanishev was particularly exciting for me and I planned accordingly. 

I invited only the best of Hollywood society:  John Cusack, Paul Krassner, Bonnie Hunt, Alice Cooper (who seems to be following me around), Terry Semel, Ashley Wyatt (star of MBS' upcoming show "Severed Fingers"), Marc Shmuger, NHL player Rob Blake, etc. etc.

The only people the Bulgarian Prime Minister brought were a few members of the Bulgarian Women's Choir in their full regalia.  I made a joke to lighten the arrival nerves:  "Hey Prime Minister, 1991 just called the Bulgarian Women's Choir and it wants its 'flash in the pan' back."  John Cusack high-fived me and said "Good one, Khan."  I even repeated the joke in Bulgarian but they just stood there.   That's when the Prime Minister noticed the Slivovitz and that was the end of that.  He, Joey Levitch and Los Angeles City Controller Wendy Gruel pounded a quick shot and then lined them up for the room. 

Only scant images survive my memory from that point on:

• There was a fist fight between Rob Blake and the Prime Minster over Bulgaria's roll in society in a post-Soviet world.

• Joey Levitch stripped naked and sang a song from the failed Broadway Manka musical "Gulag" because he thought 'that's what you commies wanted to hear.'

• Bonnie Hunt and Mort Zuckerman were trying to convince the Prime Minister to visit Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and get a picture of the twins so that they could all split the millions in profits.  When he wouldn't, they started giving him Indian burns until his security stepped in and tasered Bonnie Hunt.
  

• The Bulgarian Women's Choir were throwing up all over my new furniture and one of them got sick all over Nomar Garciaparra. 
  

• For my own behavior, I'm not going to get into it.  Someone else will have to blog about that - but I don't think anyone else remembers last night.
  

It was a complete disaster and most likely the end of U.S./ Bulgarian relations.  The Prime Minister is still crashed out in my jacuzzi with Audrina from something on MTV called "The Hills".  We turned off the heat hours ago.

The real shame is that my cook and housekeeper Ismarelda prepared an amazing traditional Bulgarian feast and we ended up ordering pizza.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  MBS - one of the seven top broadcast networks in the country - today announced its 2009/2010 primetime network schedule [FULL PRESS RELEASE]. 

Due to cost-cutting measures, the upfront presentation to advertisers was held from network President Jay McBee's cubicle in the Manka Bros. Television Group Main Admin Building (Building 37).  There was an untrue rumor going around that this year's MBS upfronts were going to be held on the International Space Station.  That was a complete bullshit story concocted by Jay McBee.  He was reprimanded with a severe pay cut and an across the board diminishing of his power.

As for the 2009/2010 schedule, frankly, I don't get it.  To be honest, off the record, I think it's a horrible line-up without one clear-cut breakout show.  We certainly need Forensics to perform well considering that bonehead McBee gave the show an eight season pickup.  Idiot.

I wish everyone the best of luck in the fall.  If things don't work out, you may want to check with the other networks to see if they are currently hiring.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  Yesterday, as I was having lunch with Sumner Redstone at the Hamburger Hamlet in Hollywood (to talk about a very exciting new venture that will be announced soon - but it basically means I'm bailing his ass out), David Geffen stopped by to say hello and asked if he could join us.  We've all known each other for years but it was the first time the three of us ever sat down to a meal. 

We exchanged a few words about his departure from DreamWorks and his idiotic idea to buy 19% of the New York Times (let it go, man).  I then asked if he wanted to get back into the music business and, if so, would he be interested in taking over Manka Bros. Records - which really needs a shot in the ass (Seamus is coming in far below expectations).  He declined and said the only thing that interests him now are those little Japanese trees.  Sumner asked Geffen about his art collection and if he'd be willing to sell a few of his more valuable pieces (in reality, Sumner couldn't afford a wall covering from Pier 1 right now).

As they kept talking, a light bulb went off in my head.  I would like to buy some art.  I'm sitting on an enormous pile of cash and need to do something with it.  Banks and stocks are certainly no place to put money these days.  And after the massive layoffs and cutbacks at Manka Bros., it might just be the thing that would cheer me up.  I'm sure the remaining employees at the studio would really get a kick out of knowing their boss has just bought some really great art for his house and office.  And, from what I understand, there are some real bargains out there because of the recession.

So I started to pick David Geffen's brain.  He said his main focus is post-World War 2 Abstract American Art.  Well, that's the most boring fucking thing I could ever imagine.  What I want are Picassos and Van Goghs - art that people have heard of.  He mentioned that he had a few original Picasso sketchbooks that he may be willing to part with... for the right price.  And he had some personal items of Van Gogh - a couple of shoes and an unused toothbrush.  That kind of stuff doesn't interest me at all.  I want that Starry Night painting or the Chick Playing the Lute.  He said he didn't own those.

He mentioned Jackson Pollock and I reminded him of the horrible box office grosses of the movie Pollock.  He reminded me of the horrible box office grosses of Vincent & Theo (which I blame more on Robert Altman than anything else).  Sumner then reminded us both of his grosses for Titanic - which absolutely meant nothing to the conversation - he was just holding on to his last remaining gasps of glory).

I could go on about our insane conversation, but I won't (Geffen went on and on about the brilliance of Damien Hirst and Jeff Koons - I looked them up and they are freaks).

Here's the deal - I want to buy some art.  Anyone at the studio who knows something about it - let me know.  There must be a couple of Art History majors floating around the Script Development Department (God knows we have enough Folklore Mythology majors).  Perhaps I'll even invite you to lunch in my executive dining room.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  Today, I am announcing - with the full cooperation of Robin Rafe - President of the Manka Bros. Theatrical Group - a complete strategy shift in the way we develop, produce and distribute films for all of the divisions within the Manka Bros. Theatrical Group family (Manka Bros. Films, Manka Highbrow, Manka Dogme, Manka Docs, and Manka Shorts).

From today forward, we will only be producing movies with BIG IDEAS.  A guy trying to cure a disease in his basement is a small idea.  The moon landing is a small idea.  Saving the family farm?  Not on my watch.  If you want to save the fucking family farm - call Fox Searchlight or Sony Classics.  The Theatrical Group has been thinking small for far too many years - and that changes today.  I mean, just look at the 2009 Slate for Manka Bros. Films!  A movie about Sign Spinners?  Gregory Lopez:  Excellent Plumber?  Are you fucking kidding me?

So... this is your mandate.  BIG IDEAS.  I want ideas about saving galaxies and saving planets.  Global wars.  Boxing Presidents.  Superheroes (but not mild-mannered ones - BIG SUPERHEROES WITH BIG IDEAS!).  If X doesn't do Y then the planet explodes!  Shit like that. 

I want Jesus to come back to the earth, read our scripts and say "Man, that's a BIG idea!"

And I don't want to hear any complaints from Manka Highbrow (your 2009 Slate is pathetic as well) or Manka Dogme.  Just because you're low-budget arthouse labels doesn't mean you can't have BIG ideas.  No more punks who don't comb their hair and talk about how they don't know what they want to do with their lives.  You can be poor and have a big story - just look at Moses.

Get to work.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's LARGEST Media Company

Good afternoon.  I just received word from our research department that, based on size, Manka Bros. Studios remains the World's Largest Media Company for the 23rd straight year even after a very challenging Q1 2009 in which our Theatrical Group didn't have one movie that worked; our Television Group didn't have one break-out show on MBS; our Music Group only had one release that received any attention (Seamus' He's Not Comin' Home); and our Publishing Group still can't seem to figure out how to do anything!

The "world's largest" status is obviously not a result of our employees' performance at their jobs - because you don't become number one by sucking.  No... it is only a result of my superb leadership during this extremely difficult time.  And I'm tired of carrying you people.  It's time to step it up!  

If things don't improve going forward, I will not hesitate to institute another cost-cutting program that will not be as kind as the last one.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company



  

Good evening.  I'm back in town from quick trip to Micronesia (at least some place in this world still has solid banks that love Hollywood - more on that another day). 

All I have been hearing today is that Jay McBee has been moping around the Manka Bros. Television Group building (Bldg. 148C) because I had told him he couldn't go to the International Space Station to deliver MBS' Upfront Presentation to advertisers.  My first response is to say, calmly, that Jay McBee is not allowed to be the Guest Blogger on my Chairman's Blog ever again.  It is a sacred space reserved for those that are not morons.

I have to clarify something he wrote his blog... I NEVER FUCKING TOLD HIM HE COULD GO TO SPACE AND GIVE A PRESENTATION TO ADVERTISERS!  Jay McBee is a scrawny little punk.  He weighs about 70 pounds.  Space would rip him apart like I've done to so many pilot scripts he's sent to my office. 

There are a few things you need to know about Jay McBee:

• Jay McBee is a fucking idiot.

• Jay McBee is a fucking idiot who actually believed he would be the first television executive in space giving a presentation.  When he ran the idea by me a few months ago, I told him if he wanted to strap himself to a rocket and launch into space, I had no problem with that.  I do not consider that a greenlight to contact the Russians and NASA and try and get David Chang to cut them a $20 million check!  
  

• Jay McBee is a fucking idiot and only has his job because he won a nationwide random-draw contest in 2006 which made him President of the Manka Bros. Television Group.  I only went ahead with the stupid contest because I was so sick of his predecessor, the horrible Bob Delavian.  I told Bob that anyone, and I mean anyone, would do a better job picking shows that he would.  (I then moved Bob to the Publicity Department, where he failed just as spectacularly).
  

• Jay McBee is a fucking idiot who was working at a Sioux City, Iowa Radio Shack before becoming President of the Manka Bros. Television Group.  He had no previous experience in television (and still doesn't as far as I'm concerned). 
  

• Jay McBee is a fucking idiot and will be fired as soon as his three year contract is up (why I agreed to a three year contract is unknown - I was so drunk in 2006).  And I'm certainly not going to pay two people to do the same stupid job.  One person can fail much cheaper than two.

The television upfront presentation to advertisers will be at the Burbank Airport Marriott and Mr. McBee will be presenting what I believe will be the worst network line-up of the 2009/2010 season (especially since I stopped counting NBC as a network after Ben Silverman was hired). 

Not since Mr. McBee presented MBS' 2008/2009 season have I been this embarrassed.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

GUEST BLOGGER:  JAY MCBEE - PRESIDENT - MANKA BROS. TELEVISION GROUP

Good morning.  I'm Jay McBee, President of the Manka Bros. Television Group.  It is a very disappointing morning for us here in the Television Group.  I received a call late last night from Khan Manka, Jr. (Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros.) and he told me that, due to the economy, we would have to cancel our May presentation of the MBS 2009/2010 Fall Television Schedule from the International Space Station.  We were really looking forward to this presentation (I was already six weeks into the microgravity exposure program at NASA). 

It would have been the first corporate television presentation given while orbiting the Earth and, by far, the most impressive of any of the other networks this year (including Les Moonves' CBS event at Carnegie Hall).  Oh, well.

I understand Mr. Manka's reservations about the cost, especially in this economy.  It was $20 million just to get me up to the International Space Station and, possibly, another $20 million for a tech guy to go with me if I wasn't able to work the PowerPoint.  We were planning to project our slides against the galaxy [as seen in the graphic recreation to the left] - which would mean billions of people with telescopes would be able to see our presentation, and (the thinking went) become aware of all the great new shows we have coming up this fall.

So... I suppose we must adjust our expectations and our operating budgets to reflect the times we live in.  To that end, our 2009/2010 Fall Upfront Presentation will now be held at the Burbank Airport Marriott on May 18, 2009.

It's still a great line-up of new and returning shows this fall on MBS - they just won't be presented as spectacularly.

Jay McBee - President - Manka Bros. Television Group

"So wash your face away with dirt
It don't feel good until it hurts
So take this world and shake it
Come squeeze and suck the day
Come carpe diem, baby

Draw lead
Piss wine
Sink teeth
All mine"

Carpe Diem Baby (1997 Re-Load)

Good morning.  Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company - called me last night in the middle of Metallica's European tour to let me know that Manka Bros. is under siege by corporate raider Carl Icahn.  

As you all may know, nothing is more important to me than my corporate responsibilities.  After I got off the phone, I immediately canceled our tour date in Amsterdam and took another look at the Manka Bros. 2008 Year-End Results in order to get a better handle on what was happening to this great company.  After consulting with Herb Allen (of Herbert Allen & Co. - famous for his annual corporate retreat in Sun Valley, Idaho), I discovered some things that must of been overlooked by Mr. Icahn and Wall Street.  

If you watch Manka Bros.' President & COO Lloyd Grohl's presentation at the Merrill Lynch Mediatainment Conference, you would see that Manka Bros. is expecting unprecedented growth over the next several years (triple-digit growth!).  That sounds like a crazy statement from a crazy man.  But this is Lloyd Grohl talking - not some hack.  If he says something, no matter how insane, we must be believe it.  To succeed in life we have to take risks even if everyone else thinks it's stupid.  No company on the planet is taking risks like Manka Bros.  They are launching a Mumblecore Division.  They are building a billion dollar theme park in Yemen.  They spent $300 million for a Red Dot from Japan.  Un-fucking-believable!

I agree with Mr. Icahn that it is the Board of Director's responsibility to remove CEO of a company if the CEO is not producing results.  And, yes, Manka Bros. results the past few quarters have been horrendous.  But based on the 2009 Manka Bros. Films slate and the remainder of the 2008/09 MBS Television season, the company's prospects look extremely solid to me.   I'm definitely looking forward to the MBS Upfront Presentation next month.  Too bad it's not on the international space station.

When I showed the recent results to Metallica guitarist/vocalist James Hetfield, he instantly put in an order for one million shares!  This is from a man that had the financial savvy to buy Google at $85 and Apple at $25. 

Look, I'm just a humble drummer of a heavy metal rock band (with minor in macro-economics from Harvard and am a fellow at the Brookings Institution) but Manka Bros. sounds like a horse you want to put all your money behind.  Even if that horse appears to have a broken leg.

What I'm insisting to my fellow Board Members and shareholders is this:  Roll the dice, bitches!

If it turns out that Lloyd Grohl was lying, then I think Khan Manka, Jr. should institute a massive company-wide cost cutting program and a complete executive review by McKinsey & Company in order to figure out how this once great asset became a pile of shit.

Yours,

Lars Ulrich - Drummer - Metallica
and
Manka Bros. Board of Directors

Good morning.  With all the recent layoffs and terrible financial news that our company has endured, I think it is more important than ever for us to get our ducks in a row.  With that said, I believe we need to have a senior management offsite in a month or so to determine where we will go from here.

I have narrowed our location choice down to either Bali or the The Maldives. 

Please vote on your preference via email or leave a blog comment.  I'll make the final decision in the next few days.

Now, more than ever, we need to commit our resources smartly in order to stay afloat in this very difficult economic environment. 

Also, congratulations to Lloyd Grohl, he was the winner of the Manka Bros. NCAA March Madness pool.  Please drop by my office for your $10,000 winnings.  Louisville fucking killed me this year.  Assholes.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  I just want to take a moment to set the record straight.  Regardless of the various press reports out there, Jeff Weiner is NOT coming to Manka Bros. as President & COO.  Lloyd Grohl is firmly in that position and that is way it will remain as long as I take a breath on this planet.  I understand Mr. Weiner's strong desire to come to Manka Bros. - everyone wants their shot at the top - but we can't always have what we want.  I'm afraid Mr. Weiner will have to swallow his pride and stick with his current gig as President of LinkedIn (that's some sort of fence building company, I believe). 

However, if he is as desperate as he seems in his desire to join Manka Bros., we do have a Business Analyst position open in our Strategic Planning department - but he would have to severely lower his salary expectations.

On the other hand, if Terry Semel decides to give up his life of fly fishing and moose farming in Montana to come to Manka Bros. as President & COO, then I will immediately kick Lloyd's ass out into the street.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning. 

Following an absolutely disastrous negotiating session with Rupert Murdoch at News Corporation and Jeff Zucker at NBC Universal (the low point being when I ordered Manka Bros. Television Group President Jay McBee to put Jeff Zucker in a headlock until he gave us what we wanted), I have decided that Manka Bros. will NOT become the 51% owner and managing partner of Hulu. 


In fact, we will not be sinking one red cent into this idiotic, money pit of a venture - nor will we license our incredible movie and television library content to them.  I have informed Rupert and Jeff of my decision and they seemed to be okay with it - though I suspect their stock prices (GE: NYSE) (NWS: NYSE) will fall dramatically based on my decision.

I wish Bob Iger and Disney all the best as they begin their own private Gallipoli as a new, non-controlling partner in Hulu.  I just hope, Bob, you can eventually evacuate without too many casualties.

In the meantime, I would like for Manka Bros. (leveraging our world's largest film and television libraries) to develop our own online video hub to compete directly with Hulu, YouTube, TV.com and all the other pretenders.  Call it something like Mulu, or MankaLu or MankaTube or... whatever... (somebody get the geeks in the overpaid MankaNeering group to come up with a name).

I want this new venture up and profitable by the end of the year or heads will roll.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. - Rupert and Jeff - you are still my friends and you may remain in my Monthly Book Club.

Guest Blogger:  Jay McBee - President - Manka Bros. Television Group

Good afternoon.  I have great news for fans of the MBS Thursday night hit "Forensics" and lovers of High School Forensics Competitions all over the world, MBS has just renewed "Forensics" for eight additional seasons (176 episodes!).  This is the longest guaranteed renewal of a weekly series in the history of television. 

Congratulations to all on my team... especially Veronica Fogel - President - MBS Entertainment for making the impossible happen.  Well done, Veronica!

This commitment firms up Manka Bros. Television as the leading worldwide producer of television content.  MBS is the only broadcast network that has 100% of its programming produced by its sister company - Manka Bros. Television Productions.

This unprecedented renewal will follow the Beaverton High School Forensics Team characters all the way into their mid-20s.  And while they may no longer be competing in High School Forensics every week, they will be learning quite a bit about life and love in the big city. 

And I don't expect the series to end there.  I look forward to following these characters all the way to the grave!

Congratulations again on this momentous event.  I have informed Chairman & CEO Khan Manka, Jr. of this tremendous deal for our studio and look forward to his positive response.

Jay McBee - President - Manka Bros. Television Group

To all Manka Bros. Employees:

Please disregard the stories in The Trades today.  Lloyd Grohl is staying at Manka Bros. as President & COO and NOT going to Disney.  This was a bullshit story from the beginning and I'm not sure how the rumor got started.

Regardless, we have renegotiated Lloyd's contract, basically doubling his salary and tripling his stock options to make him the highest paid studio executive in town!  This is great news for everyone at Manka Bros.!

In addition to our recent layoffs and massive cutbacks, we have also had to terminate the remainder of our Food Service and Janitorial employees in order pay for Mr. Grohl's contract.  What this means to everyone else is that you will either have to bring your own lunch or use our facilities to cook your own lunch (for a small fee). 

You will also need to stock your own toilet paper in the bathrooms.  If you think that stuff grows on trees, you may want to bring one of those trees with you to work. 

Keep working.  Things are looking up!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Guest Blogger:  Robin Rafe - President - Manka Bros. Theatrical Group

Good morning.  Today, the Theatrical Group has a thrilling announcement.  Because of all the hoopla about Mumblecore coming out of the 2009 South By Southwest Film Festival, Manka Bros. has decided to capture a little of that excitement by launching our very own Mumblecore Division. 

Last night, I met Chairman & CEO Khan Manka, Jr. at the Frolic Room to discuss this venture.  After a few Slivovitz shots, he relented and said it was fine as long as it didn't cost any money or cut into his new BIG IDEA INITIATIVE. 

So congratulations all... as far as I know, Manka Bros. is the only major studio to have a Mumblecore Division (details and website to come in the next few weeks).  This gives us a huge advantage going forward and puts us light years ahead of Disney, Warner Bros. or Fox in terms of capturing the Mumblecore audience.

I realize the term "Mumblecore" may be a little foreign to those of you in the Television and Publishing Groups, but Mumblecore is the new Dogme, the new French New Wave and the new [insert whatever other film movement you can think of here].  Having a Mumblecore Division gives us the freedom to tell compelling stories shot on mini-DV without stars and, because it's "Mumblecore", it stops any critics from bitching that we should have shot it on film with a major star. 

You may be thinking it sounds exactly like what we're doing at Manka Dogme.  Close but not quite.  Manka Dogme has a very strict manifesto or "Dogme(sp)" that prohibits many types of stories from being told.  Mumblecore can be whatever we want.  If it's a couple of people walking along a street and talking - we can shoot it (without permits or decent sound) and enter it into any number of film festivals.

Many of you may be wondering where the financial upside is for Manka Bros. (after all, we are a major studio and not just some punks trying to make it in Hollywood with anything they shoot on their parents camcorders).  The financials make complete sense for us.  These Mumblecore only cost the amount of a mini-DV tape (about $1.50).  Since the actors, writers, directors and other people willing to help out work for free, there is no upfront cost (other than said tape).  So these movies really only need to make back $1.51 to be in profit. 

Most likely, I'm a little off on my numbers and there are probably other costs involved somewhere - but I can guarantee each movie costs less than a Starbucks Venti Latte.  (I'll get the folks in Corporate Finance to run a more complete model.)

So... great news Manka Bros. employees.  We've added another sharp blade in our arsenal as we continue to be the most cutting-edge company in the world.

Robin Rafe - President - Manka Bros. Theatrical Group

Feel free to get drunk at your desks. 

I noticed the geeks over at Manka Bros. Online made the internet site all green.  That's cute.  Just change it back by midnight tonight (Eastern time).  I also noticed This Date In Manka Bros. History is a date we would all like to forget.  It should have been forgotten but those freakin' geeks had to bring it up again. 

Yes, Manka Bros. used to have an annual St. Patrick's Day Parade (started by my father Harry Manka in 1947).  And, yes, several people died in the 1974 parade (including the great comics Leonard Schneider and Allen Konigsberg).  All the people who died, died doing something they really enjoyed - drinking to excess until they fell off a float and got crushed by another float.

I suppose anger, floats and booze don't mix.  Live and learn.

Happy St. Patrick's Day and remember - if you're going to get drunk - do it at your desk and get some work done.   There will be cocktail carts going around the various buildings with mixed drinks ($10) and green beer ($12).

FYI, today, I am putting the finishing touches on a new strategy for our Theatrical Group which I will unveil at some point this week.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. - I have raised the entry fee of the NCAA March Madness Pool to $1,000 - because I think it's time to clear out all the losers in cubicles who keep winning this thing year-after-year.

Good morning,

I noticed on today's This Date In Manka History (March 12, 1958) that 51 years ago today, my Uncle Simeon died.  The next day, March 13, 1958, his body was flown back his birthplace (Yambol, Bulgaria) for burial.  My father, Harry, did not attend nor did he talk to Simeon during the last five years of his life.

Uncle Simeon's story is a tragic Hollywood tale of weakness and insanity.  He died on March 12, 1958 on Hollywood Boulevard wearing only a sandwich board advertisement for "Benny's World Of Beef".  I have never heard of Benny's World Of Beef so obviously he didn't do a very good job promoting it.  Perhaps he wasn't promoting it at all and simply wore the sign because he had no other clothes. 

From what I understand from my father, Simeon went insane around the turn of the 20th century.  He would have been 18 at the time.  That means he was insane for 58 years.  All I remember is that he used to bang into stuff all the time.  He dubbed Manka Bros.' films into Bulgarian doing all of the voices himself (it was very small market for us).  He urinated on everything at the studio - marking his territory I suppose.  He would urinate on movie sets, on movie stars, the food in the cafeteria... everything.  He must have constantly been hydrating.

But I digress... this is not a day to piss (excuse the pun) on his grave.  This is a day to remember one of the founding brothers of this great company - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company.

He was the only Manka brother to be buried in their homeland of Bulgaria.  My other uncle (the great Khan Manka) wanted to be buried next to Napoleon (he wasn't - Forrest Lawn actually); and my father Harry was buried under his old office (currently my office) here on the Manka Bros. Studio lot (Main Administration Bldg. 2).

So Manka Bros. employees, take a moment to remember your company's history and then get back to fucking work - we're having a terrible year!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Ever since he announced his divorce from Paula Fortunato a few weeks ago, Sumner Redstone has been at staying on and off at my house.  Every night, he wants to go out and "party at Trader Vic's".  And every night, I tell him that Trader Vic's closed a couple of years ago.  Sumner is 85 years old and doesn't take no for an answer.  So last night, once again, we went to "Trader Vic's" to "party" (we actually went to LAX - a very sweaty club in Hollywood).

Even though Sumner and myself are two of the most powerful people in entertainment, we sometimes aren't immediately recognized in public.  So I asked my driver (and former child star) Leif Garrett to call ahead and make sure we would be given the proper respect at the door.  He must have said the right things because when we arrived at the club, there was a gaggle of drunken girls in their 20s waiting for us.  Sumner slammed a shot of Slivovitz and jumped out of the limo before it had come to a complete stop.   He rolled awkwardly onto the pavement but hopped right back up and moved as fast as he could to the young girls like some perverted Grandpa. 

I would have preferred to stay in the car getting drunk with Leif Garrett and watch the Laker game - or go over to Rebecca De Mornay's house (with whom I am still trying to patch things up) - or do whatever it is that us rich and powerful media executives do... but here I was at LAX with Sumner Redstone looking pathetic as we tried to keep up with these dumb young girls.

Once inside, Sumner was completely out of control.  I found him huddled at a back corner table making out with Tila Tequila.  To actually see that in person is as disturbing as it sounds. 

Audrina (who I later found out was an actress on an MTV show - The Hills) and Cate Blanchett were at the same table in the middle of a very animated conversation about Jacobean comedy.  I figured my only option at this point was to get as drunk as possible.  Which I did.  Audrina is actually a very nice person and the most intelligent woman I have ever met.  She told me that she was such a consummate actor that she had her teeth overly whitened for the part of "Audrina" and actually has very brown smokers teeth underneath with several gaps.  It didn't matter to me.  I liked her!  We talked about her favorite Manka Bros. Films - she has very good taste.  She later left with her boyfriend - some MIT grad student in molecular biology.  Nice kid.

I could go on and on about last night - but it's just too sad.  The low point of the evening came when Tila Tequila was told the old dude she was making out with was Sumner Redstone - the Chairman & CEO of Viacom (her show is on MTV which is owned by Viacom).  She SLAPPED him across the face and starting screaming, "You son of a bitch!  My stock options are under water because of you!  You owe me money!"  Sumner said something along of the lines of "Stand in line, sweetheart."   I'm not sure who she thought he was but it was all very bizarre.  Sumner then tried to hit on Cate Blanchett - but that was a non-starter.

I finally got Sumner back to the house.  My cook, Ismaralda got him changed and made him some beef stew.  We spent the rest of the evening watching the Lifetime Movie Network which Sumner said made him feel safe and warm.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  This is very big day for Manka Bros. and, most likely, a game changer for the entire media industry. 

Over the weekend, I advised Manka Bros.' CFO David Chang to use our discretionary fund to purchase stakes in our competitors NewsCorp. and Time Warner.  While this is a significant purchase (100 shares of each company), it falls below the amount necessary to trigger a Board of Directors review and approval.

I have called my good friends Jeff Bewkes and Rupert Murdoch this morning to inform them of my intentions and assured them that we have no plans (at the moment) of making a hostile bid or takeover attempt of their companies.

This is strictly an investment opportunity for the shareholders of Manka Bros. as I feel that Time Warner and NewsCorp. shares are wildly undervalued (NWS: $6.08 and TWX: $7.42) - as is Manka Bros.' stock (MBX:  $0.045) but I won't get into that.  All I will say is that nearly all of the investment analysts on Wall Street are fucking assholes.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios