Good evening from the Seychelles. 

While I wasn't planning on contacting anyone except the bartender during my final vacation of the summer, this morning I was forwarded the 2010 Vanity Fair 100 List.  Most people consider this list to be an annual ranking of the world's most powerful media moguls - I consider this list to be shit. 

WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT ON THIS LIST?! 

We live in a media world dominated by Manka Bros.  From the multiplex to the television to the newstand to the internet to every freakin' handheld device, the people of the world simply cannot avoid Manka Bros. and yet we have been ignored... again.

Frankly, I am shocked that the writers of this story and the publisher of this magazine had the balls to make this grave error in judgment.  I think I know why it happened, I just can't believe that the people who put this bullshit list together would sacrifice their professional integrity over a personal vendetta.  

It is simply unconscionable that Lady Gaga, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Ryan Kavanaugh (!!!!), Bob Iger and Barry Diller are on this list - yet I have been left off.  Don't get me wrong, I could care less about this stupid little list.  You can't rank moguls! 

Perhaps a little backstory is necessary on how we got to where we are today. 

I have known Graydon Carter (Editor-in-Chief of Vanity Fair) for nearly 40 years.  We were in a tap and jazz dance class in Hollywood in the late 1960s before I rebelled against my father (the great asshole studio mogul Harry Manka) and turned to rock and roll where I founded the awesome power rock trio known as King Khan. 

Due to my severe drug intake during those years, I don't remember much... but I do remember Graydon kept hounding me to pitch my dad some idiotic movie idea which combined tap dancing and space exploration.  I refused and we didn't talk for many years.

In the mid-1980s (after I had taken over as Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros.), I had a dream about tap dancing astronauts and immediately called Graydon and asked if his idea was still available.  It wasn't. 

Turns out, he had recently sold "Black Hole Time Step" (or whatever the hell it was) to Golan-Globus for $3 million (all cash in a suitcase).  That movie was later completely rewritten and became Death Wish 4: The Crackdown... but I digress.

To make a long story short, after the recession hit in 2008 and everyone eventually declared print media dead, I made a hostile bid for Conde Nast (parent company of Vanity Fair) from its parent company - Advance Publications - for $8 million.  Even though the publishing industry was extremely challenged, I figured for the right price it would be a good fit nestled within the Manka Bros. Publishing Group. 

Advance Publications Chairman & CEO S.I. Newhouse told me to 'GO F MYSELF'. 

I decided to take the high road from that remark and raised my bid to $8,000,100 and told S.I. to use that extra $100 to pay for the movers to clear out his office.  I never heard back and here we are today.

Obviously, my old friend Graydon is afraid for his job and knew putting me on the Vanity Fair 100 list would not be looked on favorably by his ultimate corporate boss - Mr. Newhouse.

But things tend to even out over time.  I have instructed our in-house media watchdog Jill Kennedy - Editor-in-Chief of OnMedea - to start putting together our own little list. 

I'm thinking of calling it:  THE MANKA 100 - Top 100 Failures In Media. 

Hmmm... where should I start?

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

As I said last year (and every year), this town is dead until after Labor Day and it's pointless for someone like me to still be here working.

So... I'm leaving this afternoon for my house in the Seychelles and will return on September 7th. 

Please don't contact me unless there is some type of explosion or fire at the studio... or if something crazier happens - like one of our movies DOESN'T fail!

My plane will be making a short stop at Teterboro in New Jersey to pick up Michelle Caruso-Cabrera.  After that, my various cellphones and gadgets will be turned off until I return to Burbank.

Anyone who tries to reach me will be fired.  Anyone who does (somehow) reach me will be killed.   

Keep working.  We've had another terrible year and everyone is to blame!

See you in September!

[REMEMBER:  Labor Day is NOT holiday at Manka Bros.  Just because I'm off doesn't mean everyone is!]

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning from the Canary Islands! 

I'm on the Manka Bros. Employee Yacht (The King Khan) which was paid for by all your hard work! 

As a reminder, because it is the "Employee Yacht" (paid for by a slight deduction from your weekly paychecks), one of you will be eligible to host your very own party for your friends or colleagues on this very yacht.  The date set for this party is, I believe, a Tuesday in February - so be sure and sign up for the drawing.

Because we're deep in the dog days of August, I am out of Hollywood and off the coast of Africa. 

I was finally able to arrange for my Monthly Mogul Book Club Meeting which took place yesterday.  Unfortunately, it was Rupert Murdoch's time to host the meeting which meant it was either going to be in Rupert's crappy North Hollywood apartment or his ridiculous excuse for a yacht.

Since we're all out of town, we decided to meet on his boat - his shitty old rickety sea trawler in desperate need of a paint job.  He has named it "The Chase Carey".  It was once called "The Peter Chernin" but those letters appear to have been violently scratched out.

But Rupert didn't get to be Rupert by buying fancy mansions and yachts.  He got where he is today by eating mac & cheese and drinking water from the tap in his $750 / month North Hollywood apartment.

Rupert's boat was anchored near the run-down port city of Naples, Italy.  Since he didn't have a helipad on his boat, we all had to deal with the inconvenience of getting there by either jetski or motorboat. 

In attendance was Rupert Murdoch, Barry Diller, Jeff Zucker, Ben Silverman (replacing Harvey Weinstein - who officially lost his mogul status), Bob Iger, Sumner Redstone (by phone), Les Moonves and myself.  (We really wanted to try and get some female moguls involved in the group but those are really hard to come by these days.  The only person close to mogul status is what's her name from Facebook - that chick from the Herb Allen Sun Valley Conference.)

Anyway, because I had such a hard time remembering what happened at the last book club meeting once we started doing Slivovitz shots, this time I brought a little recorder to document the event.  My assistant, Vicky, was kind enough to transcribe it and post it here:

-----------------------

Mogul Book Club Meeting - August 9, 2010 - Rupert Murdoch's Boat "The Chase Carey"

Rupert: Murdoch:  Thanks for coming.  Thanks Khan for pulling this all together.  I don't have anything other than Keystone Beer on the boat, so hopefully you all got my note about bringing your own drinks.  I do have a cheese plate and few leftover crackers from our TV Upfront Presentation in May. 

Our book this month is "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo".  I would like to thank Sumner Redstone for providing us all with a new iPad with the book preloaded onto it.

Sumner Redstone (over speaker phone):  I didn't provide any such thing!  What the fuck?  Who sent you all iPads?  I'm not in the iPad giving business!  Who sent it?  I'm not gonna kill that person - I just want to talk to him.

Bob Iger:  I got it from Philippe Dauman.  He signed both your names and said "Sorry he couldn't make it."

Sumner Redstone (over speaker phone):  Dauman?  I'm gonna kill him. 

Jeff Zucker:  Can we fucking talk about the stupid book?  I've got a meeting on Brian Roberts' yacht off Capri in two hours.

Les Moonves:  Do you still work for him or has he fired you?  Nikki Finke hasn't been clear about this.

Jeff Zucker:  Look, Leslie... I fire - I don't get fired.  Capisce?

Barry Diller:  I thought you said you had a cheese plate?

Rupert Murdoch:  Maybe Lachlan didn't set it out.  There's a cooler there on floor with ice in it.  It may be in there.

Sumner Redstone (over speaker phone):  Are we going to talk about the book?  This "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" is a fiery bitch.  I think I could do a show with her of some kind.

Bob Iger:  It's fiction, Sumner.

Sumner Redstone (over speaker phone):  I'll 'fiction' you - right up your ass.

Barry Diller:   There's no cheese in this cooler, Rupert.  The ice is all frosted together.  Did you have fish in here?

Khan Manka, Jr.:  The author of that book is Swedish.  He's pretty hot right now.

Jeff Zucker:  He's dead, you moron.

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Oh, then I guess he's pretty cold right now.  Ha.  Ha.

[Lots of laughs in the room.]

Barry Diller:  Rupert!  Did you have fish in this cooler?  Fuck it.  Ben go back to Naples and pick up some cheese.  This is bullshit.

Jeff Zucker:  This IS bullshit.  I have to go. 

Bob Iger:  So we're not talking about the book?

Les Moonves:  That's fine with me.  I didn't get a chance to read it. 

Ben Silverman:  I got the coverage faxed to Diddy's yacht last night but I haven't been able to peruse it.

Sumner Redstone (over speaker phone):  I'll 'peruse' you - right up your ass!

Rupert Murdoch:  There's a movie coming out based on the book.  I'll just watch that.  What studio's putting that out?

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Sony. 

Rupert Murdoch:  Fuckers ain't got "Avatar" though, do they?  Maybe we should invite Michael Lynton to the next meeting.

Jeff Zucker:  Is he really a mogul?  You never hear about him in the press.

Rupert Murdoch:  Good point.  He's out.  Please leave your booze behind, I'm having a few people over tonight.

[Everyone leaves the boat.]

Sumner Redstone (over speaker phone):  Hello?  Are we talking about the book?  Hello?  What the fuck is this?   I can wait longer than you.  I'm gonna live forever...

---------------------------------

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Normally, I'm too busy to talk about my father's death (which happened on this date in 1976) but since I am at my Montauk beach house looking out at the Atlantic Ocean with a very nice bottle of Slivovitz, I have a little bit of time (and am drunk enough) to write about my dad. 

Harry Manka was a real prick.  Not just to me but to all of my mothers (he had six wives - I've never really been sure which one was my real mother). 

But people outside the family loved Harry Manka.  He was called Hollywood's Dark Lord for his habit of holding certain actors and writers hostage in the attic of Building 23 on the studio lot (dubbed "The Tower") until they gave in to his demands. 

Harry Manka had an amazing ability to stay alive.  Most people thought he would die from his sixth heart attack in 1958 - but he would go on to have three more and two strokes over the next 18 years.  He drank a bottle of Crown Royal every day, smoked three packs of unfiltered Camel Turkish Gold cigarettes every day and smoked a box of cigars every day. 

Dad-Dad loved horrible movies and television shows because he was constantly making them.  During the early 1970s, he nearly bankrupt our family and the studio with such gems as Escape From Satan's Planet and Black Illiad.

But this is not a day to piss on my father's grave.  This is a day to remember a man who co-founded the World's Largest Media Company (though it wasn't the largest when I took over in 1976) with my two Uncles - the great Khan Manka (Sr.) who died tragically in 1937 before I was born; and crazy Simeon Manka (1882 - 1958) who died on Hollywood Blvd. wearing only a sandwich board that read "Benny's World of Beef". 

I vaguely remember the day of Harry Manka's death.  I received a call from C.J. Siegal, my dad's personal assistant, who told me he was killed on the golf course after being hit with an errant tee shot.  We knew nothing could kill my dad and suddenly he dies after being hit with a golf ball?  It was crazy.  To this day, no one has confirmed who hit the ball that killed my dad.  But we know.  He was playing with Bob Hope, Joey Levitch and President of the U.S. - GERALD FORD.  Who do you think killed Harry Manka?

C.J. was horrified when I told him I wouldn't be able to come to the house later to be with the family because my band - King Khan - was getting ready for a very important gig at the Starlite Room in North Hollywood.  Plus, later that night I had tickets for Jefferson Starship at the Forum.  Being the son of a movie mogul, I always got backstage passes and nothing was going to stop me from using them.

On the day of his death, I was named Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. Studios.  I did not want this job.  I wanted to smoke dope and drop acid with my Hollywood friends.  I didn't want to wear shoes and go to an office.  I could feel that my band was really starting to take off.  But C.J. Siegal reasoned with me and said I could immediately sign my own band to the Manka Bros. Records label and record a real album.  This convinced me to take the job. 

But after two weeks in that giant office with movie stars and directors begging you to make their movies, I quickly dropped the band and never recorded that album.  I realized being a media mogul is so much more impressive than being in a garage band.  No matter how good our version of "Smoke On The Water" was. 

So, here we are, 34 years later, and Manka Bros. is the World's Largest Media Company. 

I'll leave you with one final thought - one of the last things my father ever said to me:  "If you're going to waste your life - go ahead and kill yourself.  I'll even give you the pills or the gun to do it!" - Harry Manka (1883-1976).

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Yes, even though I am still at my Montauk house on vacation (recovering from Chelsea Clinton's wedding) people still think it's okay to bother me. 

So last night, I received an urgent call from Natalie Kim - the head of Manka Bros. Human Resources.  She says she has received hundreds of emails from employees who wanted a clarification of Manka Bros.' Gay Marriage Policy. 

Even though I am heading out the door to play squash with Mort Zuckerman, I will take a couple of moments to address this issue.

Yes, Manka Bros. supports gay marriage. 

Married employees (gay or straight) all receive the same benefits and perks (i.e., health coverage, 401K, 10% off Studio Store merchandise, free yogurt Fridays, etc.).

In fact, Manka Bros. has supported gay marriage for over 50 years - ever since my father, the asshole Harry Manka, signed a talent contract with Danny Kaye.  Part of the deal was that he would be allowed to be gay inside the studio and actually have a husband and a house on the lot. 

[Manka Bros. Corporate Legal Disclaimer: There is no proof that Danny Kaye was gay - he was just "allowed to be gay".]

Because that experiment worked so well and kept Mr. Kaye so happy, it soon became Manka Bros.' company policy - anyone who wanted to be gay and be married while at work was allowed to be.  There were some strict guidelines though: 

• No sex on Midwest Street (only in certain alleyways of the Greenwich Village backlot set would sex be tolerated);
  

• No gold lame bikini briefs (that was my father's issue and has since been repealed for anyone working in Manka Bros. Theatrical or Television development);
  

• And no showtunes or cabaret music of any kind to played during company events (this remains in effect and will never be repealed as long as I draw a breath).  Headphones are okay, I just don't want to hear about it.
  

So, while many of you may be rejoicing in the overturning of Prop. 8, take comfort in the fact that it was always okay to be gay (and married) at Manka Bros. 

In fact, I think this is a great opportunity for some of you in a loveless sham of a heterosexual marriage (i.e., Jay McBee) to come out and try to find the same-sex man or woman of your dreams. 

Frankly, why anyone would want to be married is beyond me.  (My three ex-wives wanted to be married to me so they could all get rich in the divorce... gold digging bitches.)  But at Manka Bros., everyone is at least given that right.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Now I know what it would be like to live in the Iraqi Green Zone.  It would suck. 

I am now safely on the deck of my Montauk house after a successful air lifting out of Rhinebeck yesterday afternoon. 

Before I was allowed on the chopper, a few of us were given one final harsh debriefing by the General in charge of wedding security about never repeating what we witnessed this past weekend. 

Ted Danson was sitting next to me and said it reminded him of the St. Crispin's Day speech from Shakespeare's Henry V.  I asked him 'What the fuck does Becker know about Shakespeare?'  Ted told me he was Ted Danson and not 'Becker'.  'Becker' was just a role he played.  I then called him 'Becker' again just to end the conversation.  I don't even know why he was invited to the wedding.

[As a side note, I'm very surprised not to see more studio moguls at the wedding.  Other than Ted Turner, Steven Spielberg and me, it was a pretty lame turnout.  I don't know why I was expecting it to be more like Herb Allen's Sun Valley Conference.  Oh well, I suppose I'm honored just to have made the cut.]

I had my assistant, Vicky, send me a copy of the St. Crispin's Day speech and it really was a rewritten version of that speech.  'Becker's' not such an idiot after all.  It went something like this:

'We few, we happy few...
We band of brothers (and sisters) who were
Witness to Chelsea and Marc's great day
Must never (NEVER) repeat that which so many in the media
Would give their lives to know the truth... etc. etc.')'

Because of the stupidity of that speech and the over the top security measures, I am forced to break from my band of elite brothers and sisters and will reveal a few details about the (for the most part) very pleasant wedding I attended this weekend.

First of all, somebody could have told me Bowzer is no longer in Sha Na Na!  As I mentioned last week, once I heard Sha Na Na was the wedding band, I was very excited.  I'm a huge Bowzer fan.  Dude does not get the credit he deserves as a pioneer of rock and roll. 

In his place was something called the "Bowzer Experience" - it was three different guys dressed as Bowzer in different stages of his life (Kid, Young Adult and Old Bowzer). 

Former President Bill Clinton was also very upset that he was having to pay for a 'sub-par Sha Na Na'.  He leaned over to me at one point and said:  "I think there's only one guy from the original Sha Na Na.  This is bullshit.  These guys look like they just came from a State Fair!"

That said, once they ripped into Chuck Berry's 'My Ding-a-ling' there wasn't a spot to be had on the dance floor.  Everybody (from Madeleine Albright to former Labor Secretary Robert Reich) was hopping and shaking to the music. 

Other highlights included: 

• Bill Clinton's heartfelt toast to Chelsea and Marc.  While it was a beautiful, well-spoken toast, I was surprise that Korbel was the 'champagne' of choice.  Supposedly, it has been Chelsea's favorite since college.

• I also felt having White Castle hamburgers as an appetizer was a little too low rent - more Arkansas than Hudson Valley (though that was the only appetizer they ran out of).

• The Whoopee Cushions placed in the chairs at the wedding party's table was also a bizarre choice (though it did get all the intended the laughs and really loosened up the room).  It just seemed inappropriate for such a refined event.  But maybe that's why most people in this country still love the Clintons.  No one laughed louder than Bill when they all sat down. 

• Most of the drunkenness was kept to a minimum.  I think the guests were well aware that any falls into the wedding cake or slips on the dance floor or throwing up on the Queen of Norway was going to haunt them forever.  So it was, on a whole, a very boring night.

There was, however, one very cool thing which happened toward the end of the evening.  The illusionist David Blaine was hired to go from table to table to do close-up magic, levitate the guests, etc. (he was certainly making a lot of Bourbon disappear). 

As one final trick, he asked everyone to  take off their right shoe.  "Now look on the bottom."

Taped to the bottom of everyone's right shoe was a $100 gift card from Best Buy with a note:  "Thanks so much for making our dream day a reality.  XXOO Chelsea and Marc."

As corny as it was, you can now get a Blu-ray player for around $100.  So I know what I'm getting with my gift card.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

UPDATE:  Chelsea Clinton's Wedding

I'm leaving the office for the weekend. 

I'm going to Chelsea Clinton's wedding in some God forsaken town called Rhinebeck, New York. 

I don't know where it is and I don't know the address. 

I was told I would be blindfolded once I touched down at Teterboro.  I am then to be driven by Towncar to the site of the wedding.  They say the blindfold can not be removed until I am safely inside the wedding house. 

I'm really getting sick of going to these Presidential daughter weddings.  Two years ago it was Jenna Bush, now it's Chelsea.  It just doesn't stop.  I have better things to do with my time.

Don't get me wrong, Chelsea is a lovely girl and a very very warm person.  I met her a few years ago when she interviewed for a summer intern position in the Manka Bros. Television Group.  I don't really remember why we turned her down.  Some people just aren't cut out for TV. 

Anyway, because Lee Ann Womack has decided not to return my calls lately, I will be going stag to the wedding. 

This will give me a chance to spend some quality time with my old friend (and drinking buddy) Ted Turner.  He likes to drink Whiskey Sours and talk about Jane Fonda and I love to drink White Russians and hear about Jane Fonda.  She was an early crush of mine ever since I saw Barbarella.

If anyone needs to reach me, they can't.  I'll be inside a no cell phone, no internet, Level 8 security zone (whatever that means).  If you want to get me a note, you'll have to get through 4,000 Marines. 

It's literally more security than Herb Allen had at his Sun Valley Retreat - and we were a much more important that this crowd.

On the positive side, I'm excited to see Sha Na Na.  I hear that's the wedding band.  That Bowzer really cracks me up.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

... at least not until after the investigation of sexual harassment is complete. 

If it turns out he is completely innocent and didn't do any of the fucked up shit that is leveled against him - I just may reconsider and offer Stevie Mac a job (as I did yesterday). 

Actually, he's no longer Stevie Mac to me until the charges are cleared.  He's Stephen McPherson.  Manka Bros. has enough troubles.

Good thing my friend Bob Iger has the sense to replace him with some English guy. English men would never do this sort of thing.

An [alleged] sexual harasser would not do well at Manka Bros. - especially in the Television Group.  Most of the women of Manka Bros. are very good at taekwondo.  I know because I've... witnessed it first hand.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

So the idiots at Disney have decided to let Steve McPherson "resign".  (As an aside, my great friend Bob Iger is NOT included as one of the "idiots".  Bob, with whom I just had a truly bizarre week with at Herb Allen's Sun Valley Retreat, is great.)

If I may just say - WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY THINKING?!!

I personally feel that Stevie Mac (as I remember him when he was a Manka Bros. intern right out of Pierce College in Woodland Hills) is one of the great network programmers in history and believe that ABC is fucked because he is leaving.

However, this disgraceful negative can easily turn into a Manka Bros. positive. 

Because of our mutual disrespect of Ben Silverman and everything he represents (please read the Manka Bros. Business blogger Jill Kennedy for more details), I would like to offer Steve McPherson the job of running the Manka Bros. Television Group (including the hopelessly lost MBS Television Network). 

We currently have a President of the Television Group, Jay McBee, but he really sucks and only has his job because he won a random draw nationwide competition based on a code found underneath a Pepsi cap.  Before winning, he worked at a Radio Shack in Sioux City, IA.  In the TV business, that is almost always enough of a qualification.  However, based on the recent announcement of our 2010/2011 fall schedule, I believe it's time for a change.

So, Stevie Mac - please call my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry, and set up an appointment so we can talk. 

Thanks for your acceptance in advance.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios -  The World's Largest Media Company

Before I get started, I just want say that I am not a geek.  I am not a freak.  I am not a dork. 

So why am I here today? 

I'm here because you geeks, freaks and dorks help keep me in private planes and make my Holmby Hills house very very affordable.  And even though I would rather cut off my own head than to sit and have a private conversation with any of you idiots, I am very happy that you exist and continue to support Manka Bros. and our MC Comics imprint.

But, let me be clear, I do not want to talk about what happened in Show X, Episode Blah Blah of Season Blah.  One reason is I probably don't know the answers.  Another reason is that I seriously don't give a shit.

And if I hear one more question about when we're going to make a "Captain Stoppo" movie, I will spray you with bug repellent and have your all-inclusive convention passes ripped to shreds.

All that said... let's get started.  Roll the TelePrompTer.

WELCOME TO COMIC-CON 2010!  That was quite an opening ceremony.  I particularly love the annual Running Of The Freaks!  So many costumes.  So many potential heart attacks.  And how about that Parade of Batmans?!  Who knew there were so many Batmans over the years?  Well done.

After my speech, I will illuminate the Ceremonial Lightsaber and Comic-Con will officially begin!

I am pleased to be joined on this stage by the Distinguished Legion of Magnificent Elders and the League of UltraTriumverants (off-script) Whatever the fuck that means.

[Behind Mr. Manka, in folding chairs, are several people dressed as superheroes, sci-fi characters and elves.]

I am told the guy with the Chewbacca head over there has never missed a single day of the convention since Comic-Con started 40 years ago.  I would imagine you've seen it all, huh, pal?

[Chewbacca nods his head several times.]

They are here to present me with the Wrath Of Con Award - though I've been told, in my honor, they have changed it to the Wrath of Khan Award!

[Silence - except for one high pitched laugh from the back of the crowd.]

Who the fuck said that joke would land?  It's pronounced the same fucking way.  The joke is that the award is changed to Wrath of K-H-A-N - not C-O-N.

[There are some mild chuckles from the crowd and then a few sneezes and coughs.]

I don't know if any of you can see the award - but it's this stupid little Ricardo Montalban doll put on a trophy base.  Pretty ridiculous.  Maybe my dog would like to play with it.

[Stunned silence then a few 'gasps' and one very loud "FUCK YOU!"]

Moving on.  Many in the press have said that Comic-Con is dead.  That Hollywood has killed the goose that laid the golden egg.  That's ridiculous.  First of all, the word "laid" should never be used in a room like this.  Am I right?  I mean, look at you.

[Several loud 'boos' and some wheezing.]

What the fuck, Ethan?  Who's the idiot that said that joke would work?  Jesus Christ.  I'm flying solo here!  Get out of my sight!

[Ethan Rubidoux - President of Manka Bros. Consumer Products, Live Theater, Sports and Digital Distribution - ducks behind a stage pillar.] 

OK, OK - calm down, you nudnicks!  Hey, loser with the PrompTer, get back to my speech.  It's rolling all over the fucking place.  OK... good...

Seventy-five years ago, my father (the asshole Harry Manka) and uncles (Khan (Sr.) and Simeon) purchased the rights to a little known comic strip for thirty-five cents from a starving child artist on Hollywood Blvd.  That comic strip?  "Captain Stoppo"...

[Wild applause and some shouts.]

Who would have thought that dumb little cartoon would become the foundation of MC Comics - the World's Largest Comic Book company.  With iconic characters such as The Planet 4, Dumb Kirk, Sniper Ken, Fig Men, Hydrogen Bob and the Flamer, MC Comics has no real rival.  I weep for Marvel and DC Comics and their pathetic little characters.

Believe me, if my life were in danger, I would trust The Liberal Spear to save my neck before suck ass Batman or Spider-man.  Am I right?

[Some applause.  Some 'boos'.]

So, I know I was supposed to speak for an hour - but I don't really have any more prepared remarks. 

But before I open it up for questions, I have a question for you:  What can YOU do for ME?  Well, if I may answer for you, you can watch my networks.

We have a bunch of geeky ass shit on our MBS network this fall.  I suppose the new "Forensics" season is worth watching.  We also have a weird, egghead-type sci-fi show "The Real Truth" slated for mid-season.  I'm not sure what it will replace since most of our fall shows are horrible and will most likely be canceled. 

From our Theatrical Group, The Planet 4 (Earth Shield 4X) is opening October 15.  We have a presentation tomorrow at Qualcomm Stadium.  The entire cast will be on hand and, I'm told... hang on, I have to read this... they will be arriving from Planet 4 via Flidrox c41?  Does that mean anything to you wastoids?

[Applause and shouts of approval from the crowd.]

Is that some kind of space ship?  Goddamn, what do you think that cost?

So that's it, I suppose. 

Thanks for the Wrath of Con (Khan) Award.  I will do my best to uphold the high standards of last year's winner - Rupert Murdoch.  I'm not sure if he actually won it, I really have no idea. 

What time are cocktails?  I believe Manka Bros. is having our party on some hotel rooftop.  I'm happy to say none of you freaks are invited.

I'll now open it up for questions...

OK, yeah, Batman there in the third row.  Question?

Batman:  Any plans for a "Captain Stoppo" movie?

Khan Manka, Jr.:  I'm out of here!  Fuck you all!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company


 

Good morning. 

I'm back in office after a few days at an Indian [editor's change: Native American] Teepee sweat camp to get all the Sun Valley alcohol out of my system.  That Herb Allen really knows how to over serve his guests.

About the only good thing to come out of that suck ass Sun Valley Retreat last week was the commitment from a few of my fellow moguls to restart our Monthly Book Club. 

The last book club meeting we had was a couple of years ago and it was a disaster. 

As I recall, Carl Icahn crashed the meeting and threatened to wage a proxy war to take over all our companies but I promptly had him removed by security.  [Editor's note:  Mr. Manka, according to his own blog, actually invited Mr. Icahn to that meeting.  But it is true that he had him removed by security.]

Poor, pathetic Carl is such a joke he's not even able to take over Lionsgate - the puniest of all the studios.  So, sorry, Carl, you won't be getting an invite to my Mogul Book Club.  RULE #1:  YOU MUST BE A MOGUL.  Harvey Weinstein will also not be getting an invite.  Ben Silverman will be taking his place. 

As I told my mogul friends (Bob Iger, Rupert Murdoch, Phillipe Dauman, et al) at The Drankin' Hole last week, our book selection is "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo".  Everyone seems to be talking about this Stieg Larsson guy (maybe Manka Bros. should hire him to write something) - so I think it will be a better selection than our last book - "Water For Elephants".

The meeting will be at Haim Saban's house one week from Sunday - so get your assistants to pick up the book and get reading!

To my Senior Management Team at Manka Bros., I suppose we should have some sort of meeting to see what the fuck is going on around here and why haven't had a hit movie this summer!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Sun Valley Conference 2010
Day 1   Day 2   Day 3   Day 4


Day 4:

I'm told Harvey Weinstein was the first to arrive at The Drankin' Hole - an Idaho-friendly way of saying 'bar'. 

During the conference, the bar has been dubbed the Herb Allen Memorial Drankin' Hole.  I'm not sure why "Memorial" is in there since Herb is very much alive - but, that's Idaho for ya.

After the past two horrible nights and after Manka Bros. received ZERO Emmy Nominations earlier in the day, I was in no mood to stay sober.  So I was relieved that we would finally be devoting an evening to the fine art of getting drunk.  And drunk we did get.

But my depression was Harvey Weinstein's depression's bitch.  He lost an entire studio earlier that day.  At least Manka Bros.' standing as the World's Largest Media Company is intact.  Harvey ain't got shit.

The Drankin' Hole is nestled deep within the Sun Valley Lodge and there would be no access to anyone lower than mogul status with the exception of bartender Bin Tran (best dirty martinis in the world!) whose job it was to keep the drinks flowing and the bar fully stocked.

The March of the Moguls into the bar began immediately after LeBron James announced he was going to Miami.  I don't really care where LeBron goes - but it seems to me we can't slam a guy who would prefer to spend his winters in Miami over Cleveland.  Call me crazy.  Most entering the room were talking about it and kept calling him a "moron" except George Bodenheimer - who called him a genius.  "What till you see the overnights!"

So... I won't bore anyone with the bullshit chitchat that went on while waiting for the effects of alcohol to take over our brains.  (One side note:  Bob Iger did ask if I wanted to buy ABC.  I had to 'gently' remind him that I already owned a major broadcast network - MBS.  I must apologize to Bob.  I didn't mean to dress him down so cruelly in front of the other moguls.  But I worry about Bob.  I think he's starting to lose his memory).

I think it was Terry Semel who figured out how to turn on the Karaoke machine.  He was fiddling around with something on the little stage in the bar and suddenly there was BLAAHT from one of the speakers. 

"Is this on?  Is this on?", Terry said.  "I'd like to propose a toast... to Herb Allen for continuing to boost our egos by designating us the most important people of the world every year.  To my fellow Moguls... for being the most important people in the world.  And to Bin Tran - for making the best dirty martinis in the world!"  This last one got the biggest applause.  "Now let's sing!"

Terry Semel started things off with Barry Manilow's "Ready To Take A Chance Again".  It was sung about an octave too low and was more spoken then sung.  But it had heart.  If you know Terry's voice, you get the idea.

I would say the most embarrassing moment came when Harvey Weinstein sang a sloppy drunk version of "I Will Survive".  We all seemed to feel this was a bit too on the nose.  It got truly pathetic when he sang the chorus "I Will Survive" and we all sang back "No, You Won't!"  Sad sad sad.

For myself, I always start off with "Me and Bobby McGee" and then later I do "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam.  Always a crowd favorite - but I used to be in a band.

Other highlights included Jeff Zucker ("Desperado"), Brian Roberts ("Everybody Dance Now"), Haim Saban ("Summer Wind" and "My Way"), Diane Von Furstenberg surprised us all with the entire "Bohemian Rhapsody", Chase Carey did an unbelievably killer version of "Keep On Rocking In The Free World", Larry Page, Sergey Brin and Eric Schmidt really embarrassed themselves with "Livin' On A Prayer" and Mark Zuckerberg sang some song by Kelly Clarkson that no one really knew or paid attention to.

We kept waiting for Barry Diller to sing that song he does every year from "Les Miserables" - but he decided not to sing this year.  I can imagine he's exhausted from last night's "event".

The evening was concluded perfectly by Warren Buffett and Herb Allen who got together on stage and thanked everyone and then did a heartfelt version of "Last Dance".  By the time it got the "fast skate" portion (a throwback term to my roller disco years in the 1970s), we were hopping around in a joyous drunken way, singing along and enjoying our power.

Last night was a truly great night.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Sun Valley Conference 2010
Day 1   Day 2   Day 3   Day 4


Day 3:

There is an unspoken and unwritten code among us moguls that I am about to break.

I have seen many things over my crazy life - from drugged out son of movie mogul Harry Manka in the 1960s and 70s to my current life as head of Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company - but nothing prepared me for the fucked up shit that Herb Allen (& Co.) put us through last night.  This is a sick and pathetic world (even for us rich and powerful) and you either join the sick and pathetic to survive or die trying.

While the media that is gathered behind the barbed wire and gun toting secret police outside the walls of the Sun Valley Lodge will hear one story about last night's "charity gala hosted by Diane Von Furstenberg" - the real story is what happened on the other side of the Lodge. 

At 7:46 PM, the lights went out in my room.  This wasn't a problem since it was still light outside.  I could see fine.  A slow, ominous drum beat could be heard in the distance.  Then, the distinct voice of Charlie Rose came over the loudspeakers in what I thought was Latin but just turned out to be bad pronunciation.  I started to make out the words:

"Seekers and Outliers...
Don't Blink...
It's An Inflection Point...
The Tipping Point..."

There was a pounding on the door of my suite.  I looked over and saw smoke coming from underneath the door.  I put on a robe and opened the door. 

Standing there was Sergey Brin and Larry Page dressed in chain mail - almost like Raider fans.  Sergey was holding a smoke machine.  Larry, speaking in as low a pitch as possible (but still pretty high), said:  "You have been chosen.  The Master demands your presence."

Behind them, down the hall, I could see Jeff Zucker and Brian Roberts (badly disguised in homemade Spider-man costumes) drag a screaming Jeffrey Katzenberg out of his room and down the hall.  Katzenberg was screaming:  "I just need to finish this fucking call, you assholes!" 

I went peacefully in my bathrobe to wherever the Google guys were taking me.  Why the fuck not?  This conference was already a dud as far as I'm concerned.  This could actually be something interesting.

It was odd to see the Hotel Staff continue to say things to me like "Good evening, Mr. Manka" and "How are you tonight, sir?" - while being led to some secret location by Sergey Brin and Larry Page in chain mail.  I believe they were supposed to put a hood on my head because once we got outside they stopped and argued a bit and then put a hood on my head.  I could hear a few kids jumping into the nearby pool and having a good time.

As I walked toward something in complete darkness, the drum beat got louder and more intense and I could feel the heat of fire.  My hood was suddenly pulled from my head and I had to laugh at what I saw -

- Barry Diller - in tight, small burlap sack shorts, a pair of metallic wings on his bare arms that were on fire at the tips and nothing else - standing in front of me in all his glory.  I believe he had taken advantage of the free spray tan offered by the hotel.  Behind him, on the ground doing Chinese splits in front of a large Burning Figure was Jon Miller.  He was staring right at me as though he was about to kick my ass.

Barry was having some trouble holding up the metal wings, so Haim Saban and Les Moonves each held up a wing.   

Barry Diller spoke to me in that slow, effeminate but oh-so-frightening voice:  "Khan Manka, are you new media or old media?"

I told him I didn't believe in the concept of old and new media.  It's just media to me.

Barry Diller:  Wrong answer! 

What followed (and I can't keep writing because there are more pointless presentations and panels to go to today) was an insane night of dancing around fires; simulating the drinking of blood (which was actually Cape Cod's with red food dye squeezed out of bota bags); rubbing canola oil and dirt onto each other's bodies; something called the "golden shower test"; and, lastly, Barry demanded a human sacrifice which we all quickly decided should be Marc Andreesson.  I'll never get his screams out of my head. 

It was just the worst freakin' night of my life.

Afterwards, the lights came up and we were all given a goody bag by Herb Allen of various new handheld devices including the iPhone 4, the Droid and the latest iPad.

This morning, 5:00 a.m. came really early.  The last thing I wanted to hear was the "Dawn of the Mogul".

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Day 1:  Heading To Herb Allen's Sun Valley Conference
Day 2:  Dawn Of The Mogul - Sun Valley 2010 - Day 2

Sun Valley Conference 2010
Day 1   Day 2   Day 3   Day 4


Day 2:

Good morning... or as they say in Sun Valley "Another Beauty" - in that certain rich hippie way.  The first night of the four day drunk fest is over and I'm not feeling too bad considering how much I drank last night.

The dinner was fine.  Who knew moose would work so well in a stew?  The flan was also not too bad.  I was seated between Mark Zuckerberg and Lady Gaga (Mogul?  Really?). 

That Gaga guy was fine but Mark Zuckerberg was a pain in my ass.  I tried to change seats but no one would do it. 

It seems Zuckerberg was pissed off that some blogger in my enormous company made some crack that "Facebook Is Worthless".  I have thousands of employees.  I can't be bothered about one freakin' blogger.  What a punk ass dope! 

The drinking went well into the night.  Rupert Murdoch, Terry Semel and I held court in Herb's Grotto near the Piranha Tank.  As I said yesterday, bartender Bin Tran makes the best freakin' dirty martinis I've ever had.  I suck 'em down like water.

Unfortunately, the night had to end and this morning began at 5:00 a.m. with the ridiculous "Dawn of the Mogul" choral arrangement / wake up call (written by Michael Eisner years ago) played over loud speakers to urge us all to:

"Rise, Rise, Rise with the Sun.
We are Moguls. 
The World We Run... etc. etc."

This annoying, horrible song repeats and repeats until we all gather out in the Common Area (a name that seriously needs to be changed.  We are far from "common".  I have suggested "Manka Plaza" or "Khan Kourt").

After we assembled for calisthenics led by Bob Iger (a non-starter for me and almost all of the Tech CEOs), "The Call of the Moguls" fanfare is played while the Allen & Co. flag is raised up the flagpole. 

We then recite "The Pledge of the Mogul" (which I will not repeat - but involves words like "integrity", "philanthropy" and "quality").  All bullshit if you ask me.  But there were a few guys (Jeffrey Katzenberg and Harvey Weinstein to name a couple) who were reciting it as though they were brainwashed North Korean school children.  They were in tears as they pledged to be the best mogul they could be. 

[As a side note, some of us are meeting later in the day to discuss whether Harvey Weinstein can still be considered a mogul.  It may be time to ceremonially strip him of this title.  We'll have to see.]

After an awkward group embrace, we were sent our own way by Herb Allen for bike riding, tennis or our own private "thinking time" by the Duck Pond. 

We then gathered in the "Great Hall of the Moguls" for a breakfast of waffles and our choice of sausage made from wild game that was recently shot on a local hunting farm.  Antelope seems to be favorite among media moguls.  The tech moguls go right for the bacon made from wild boar.

So that's been my morning.  I passed on going to several little panel groups and am about to have my first cocktail. 

Jeff Zucker and Peter Chernin are sneaking out of the "Women In Technology" panel and joining me to watch the Spain / Germany World Cup match.

Hopefully, something interesting is planned for tonight.  I'm so unbelievably bored.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Sun Valley Conference 2010
Day 1   Day 2   Day 3   Day 4


Day 1:

I'm leaving the office and heading to Herb Allen's Sun Valley Retreat.  I've been going up for the past 20 years or so and it's becoming more of a chore than a joy. 

It used to be fun to watch Bob Iger and Rupert Murdoch get drunk and do late night karaoke - but not much anymore. 

Hopefully, Herb has something up his sleeve this year to pump some life into this dinosaur of a conference.  If it's the same as it was last year and the year before, people are going to stop coming.  And that would break poor Herbie's heart. 

I'll attempt to write about anything interesting that happens - though it all depends on the severity of my hangovers.

While I will reachable by phone, if anyone other than Lloyd Grohl tries to contact me, that person will be fired.  If Lloyd Grohl needs to contact me and cell phone service is weak or if I'm holding my iPhone 4 in the wrong position, I can probably be found in Herb's Grotto next to the piranha tank.  The bartender, Bin Tran, makes the best dirty martini in the world.

[Note to my assistant Vicky:  I noticed at tonight's dinner in the Great Hall of the Moguls they have me seated between Mark Zuckerberg and Lady Gaga.  I would prefer not to sit next to Zuckerberg.  That punk ass kid is freak.]

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

About a week ago, I gave the Commencement Address at my old high school - Beverly Hills High.  I wasn't going to mention this because it didn't really go as I had planned - but since the assholes at TMZ posted excerpts without my permission, I thought I would put it up without editorial comment or HEAVY EDITING (which TMZ did in an attempt to make me look ridiculous).  Sorry shitbags, you lose.  I'm too powerful in this town to to ever be considered ridiculous.  So here is my speech in its entirety.

--------------------------------------------

Beverly Hills High School Graduation Ceremony - June 18, 2010

Good afternoon. 

I got drunk this morning before coming here because when you are the Chairman & CEO of the World's Largest Media Company, you can do shit like that. 

[A huge cheer goes up from the crowd.]

You've all managed to do something that I didn't even come close to doing - graduate high school.  And yet, I'm the only one here running a giant media company.  What the fuck is up with that?! 

[Another huge cheer.]

I dropped out of this school because I wanted to spend more time smoking pot and working to make King Khan the best goddamned rock band in the world.  If my father, the horrible Harry Manka, wouldn't have died (forcing me to take over as head of Manka Bros. Studios when I was 18 years old), we fucking would have been the best goddamned rock band in the world!

[There is a commotion as the Principal attempts to interrupt Mr. Manka.  The students boo the Principal and scream "Let him speak!"]

What the fuck...!  Don't handle me, asshole!  I'll shut this dream crusher of a school down! 

Now where was I?  Fuck it.  I'll just wing it.  Uh, there's only a handful of us powerful media moguls out there - even more if you count Bob Iger and Jeffrey Katzenberg!  I don't count them - ha!  Just kidding - Bob Iger and I like to do jigsaw puzzles together. 

The decisions us moguls make affect how the world spends its leisure time.  If I tell you to go see Super Draculas next month in 3D at an IMAX theater, you'll go because we can control your fucking minds.  We control what makes you laugh and cry and scream and kill.  If you try to cross us, we will destroy your lives.

Most of you kids are rich punks much like I was back in the 1970s.  Once your parents die, you'll be set.  But that won't stop you because you all think you're so fucking great.  You all think you're entitled to everything without working for it.  Most of you will start companies that will fail but somehow, through your little cliques of rich buddies and bitches, you'll keep getting money to fail and fail again.  And you won't care if you fail because it's all just a fucking game to you!

[The crowd has turned on Mr. Manka and many things are being thrown at the stage.  The Principal manages to grab Mr. Manka around the waist.]

Is that it?  Am I done?!  Fine!  I'll see you all in Hell!

[Mr. Manka is escorted from the stage, flipping off the graduates and crowd with both hands.]
------------------------------------------------------------------

You know what?  Upon re-reading this transcript, I stand by my speech and think it's totally brilliant.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.  As you may know, the past month I was off at a secret location negotiating certain deals which will be made public at the proper time.  Because of that, I was unable to follow much of the TV upfront activity by all the networks.

After a review of all the network presentations, I have concluded that the MBS announcement was the most pathetic and a total embarrassment to such a great company as Manka Bros. 

While our competitors were at places like Madison Square Garden and Carnegie Hall with extremely elaborate presentations, MBS released its schedule via a press release from the Beverly Garland Holiday Inn in North Hollywood, CA.

In 2011, this will not be acceptable!  I am, therefore, announcing that MBS' 2011 Upfronts will be held at Yankee Stadium in New York.  If this means we have to spend all of our 2010 profits to pay for this event... so be it.

I will NOT be embarrassed like this again! 

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Note To Shareholders:  Because of this extreme event, Manka Bros. (NYSE: MBX) may have to cut its dividend for 2010.

This morning, we made a very exciting announcement (Press Release) that will be a huge boost to our Manka Kids and MC Comics divisions.

We purchased 'Red Dot' - the wildly popular Manga character (now a "Manka" character - ha) from Kodansha, Ltd. - for $300 million.  I know that is a shit load of money for a little red dot that doesn't really do anything - but I have been assured that this is a very popular character with the kids.  So the acquisition price will seem like peanuts in the long run. 

Many of you are probably wondering how this acquisition came about so quickly.  For one thing, I am very good friends with Kodansha President Sawako Noma.  She would probably hate that I'm telling you all this, but we used to date in the early 1980s.  At the time, Japanese companies were buying up a lot of American companies (thank you Ronald Reagan) and she came over to the studio to 'kick the tires', if you will.  I won't go into details but to say that she 'kicked the tires' for two straight hot weeks (including an unforgettable weekend in Vegas).  But then she was recalled to Japan by her family and that was that.  They didn't buy the studio.  My heart was broken.  Life hasn't been the same since.

So welcome Red Dot to the Manka Bros. Family of Characters!  I really don't get why it's popular.  It's just a stupid red dot that anyone can draw - but I'm not a 9 year old kid. 

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

"I'm a firm believer that everyone is a freakin' idiot and don't know shit about nothing..." - Harry Manka (my father)

Good afternoon.  It's been a while. 

I've been away for the past few weeks working on a secret deal.  I can't tell you the details but I can say that I rode back on Manka Jet 1 (The Joey) with Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone.

If you want to believe that the deal somehow involves them then go ahead and make that assumption.  Make an asshole out of yourself.

As we all know, the world is going digital.  And as goes the world - so goes Manka Bros. Studios (or is it the reverse?).  With the world's largest library of film and television content, Manka Bros. is in the best position to take advantage of this digital (r)evolution.

Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone's pathetic attempt to purchase Manka Bros. over the weekend for several billion dollars just proves how bullish we should all be at our company.

Keep up the work (I can't say "good" work because, frankly, you've all sucked at your jobs the past few months.  How about a hit movie [WTF is "Flaccid Trip"?] or TV show ["My Wife Left Me For Bucky Dent"?]... for once?!).

More to come in the remaining days before I disappear for the summer.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Bob Iger and I are on different schedules.  This morning, at about 4:30a.m.(!!), Bob Iger called me while hanging from his gravity bar.  He said he likes to hang upside down about two hours in the morning to get the blood flowing into his head. 

This was exposition I really didn't need as I was completely hungover this morning after another bizarre night of carousing (different story) in Hollywood with Sumner Redstone (who is still staying at my house as he is afraid to be alone).

Bob said he was calling because I was the only person in town that would tell him the truth.  "Even Ike Perlmutter is being a total pussy and won't tell me what's what..." - (he said off the record). 

It seems Bob has been completely racked with guilt due to the glowing puff piece written about him by Brooks Barnes in the New York Times.  He said he is having doubts and doesn't feel worthy for such praise.

"How do you do it, Khan?", Bob said.  "People write horrible things about you all the time - never giving you any praise - and it doesn't bother you a bit."

A single tear formed in one of my eyes.  I don't think he could hear the emotion in my voice.

"Hell, no, it's doesn't bother me, Bob.  Manka Bros., while still the world's largest media company, has had challenging economics for the past 30 years.  You have to keep living your life, Bob - your perfect little freakin' life with your beautiful little freakin' wife - and not let work get in the way.  We're all doomed to fail."

At this point, I had to immediately get a hair of the dog shot of whiskey before I blew last night's steak and shrimp from Mastro's all over the bathroom floor. 

I continued:  "Fuck the press.  Fuck them all.  If they like you - fine.  If you they hate you - better.  You don't want those people propping you up.  They're propping you up to, eventually, take you down!  The fact that you feel unworthy for this praise, proves that you are unworthy of this praise.  You need to go climb a mountain - get your head straight."

"Funny you should say that, Khan, I'm climbing K2 next weekend."

"Fuck you, Bob."

I hung up and went back to bed.  While I do genuinely like Bob Iger (we met in a hippie drum circle on Venice Beach in the 1970s) - I am now hoping he fails at everything he does.  Or falls off K2.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good afternoon from Yas Island - Abu Dhabi U.A.E. 

I am dictating this blog from a mud bath in the giant purple Yas Hotel Spa Resort.  Thanks to Stefania Bianchi and Nour Malas from the Wall Street Journal for taking this down and getting it to my office.  I apologize for the smell.

When the U.A.E. ruler and prime minister Sheik Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum called me over the weekend to see if I could come to speak at the Abu Dhabi Media Summit, I told him absolutely not.  I was preparing for another disastrous night at the Oscars (in which Manka Bros. was shut out yet again!) and did not want to travel 10,000 miles (or whatever) to speak about Manka Bros.' future in the Middle East. 

As far as I'm concerned, there isn't a future for Manka Bros. in the Middle East.  Construction of our Manka Fun Park in Yemen has gotten off to a horrible start due to various terrorist acts in and around the park site, so optimism about the future is not something I'm feeling right now.

But, in a stunning coincidence, as I was speaking to the Sheik, Rupert Murdoch called from his airport and asked if I wanted to hitch a ride to Abu Dhabi on his jet (The Roger Ailes 1). 

It's hard to turn down Rupert - so here I am. 

(Note:  To Ethan Rubidoux, we're stopping through Yemen on the way back to check on Manka Fun Park Yemen's progress.  Please triple my personal security and make sure Johnny Walker Blue is stocked in the mini-bar).

I will be speaking at the Abu Dhabi Media Conference tomorrow morning.  It will most likely be a variation on my recent speech to the Davos World Economic Forum. 

Rupert spoke tonight.  He rambled on and on about freedom of the press in the Middle East (or some such bullshit).

Hey Rupert, from one freedom crusher to another - "Nice try."  Think the Sheik buy will that crap from the owner of Fox News? 

Rupert was supposed to meet me here at the spa after his speech but I haven't seen him yet.  He has two hours blocked out for a chemical peel.

Later tonight, I'm meeting Eric Schmidt at the Noodle Box here at the hotel.  He wanted to meet at the Wandering Camel Discoteque (something like that) but I had to take a pass.  My knee has been f-ed up ever since I took a tumble down Whistler while at the Vancouver Olympics.  Dancing until dawn is something I can't really handle right now. 

Eric wants Manka Bros. to go exclusive to the Google Android with our mobile content.  I'm going to tell him the only way we would agree to that would be if he changed his name to Steve Jobs and changed his company name to Apple. 

He won't respond well to that.  But I don't respond well to others trying to push around The World's Largest Media Company!

Here's Rupert now (with Steve Ballmer - and three other guys carrying Steve's stuff). 

Wish me luck tomorrow.  I just pray they let me leave the country after I destroy their delusions of creating a "New Media Paradise" in the middle of this miserable desert.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.  Yesterday, as I was having my monthly lunch with Sumner Redstone at the Hamburger Hamlet in Hollywood, David Geffen stopped by to say hello and asked if he could join us.  We've all known each other for years but it was the first time the three of us ever sat down to a meal.  Geffen ordered another Turning Leaf Chardonnay and a shot of Gordon's vodka and had a seat.

We exchanged a few words about the news that he was Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" inspiration.  He said he thought that song was about him.  I asked him if he wanted to get back into the music business and, if so, would he be interested in taking over Manka Bros. Records - which really needs a shot in the ass (Seamus is coming in far below expectations). 

He declined and said the only thing that interests him now are those little Japanese trees.  Sumner asked Geffen about his art collection and if he'd be willing to sell a few of his more valuable pieces (in reality, Sumner couldn't afford a wall covering from Pier 1 right now).

As they kept talking, a light bulb went off in my head.  I would like to buy some art.  I'm sitting on an enormous pile of cash and need to do something with it.  Banks and stocks are certainly no place to put money these days.  And after the massive layoffs and cutbacks at Manka Bros. last year, it might just be the thing that would cheer me up.  I'm sure the remaining employees at the studio would really get a kick out of knowing their boss has just bought some really great art for his house and office.  And, from what I understand, there are some real bargains out there because of the recession.

So I started to pick David Geffen's brain.  He said his main focus is post-World War 2 Abstract American Art.  Well, that's the most boring fucking thing I could ever imagine.  What I want are Picassos and Van Goghs - art that people have heard of. 

He said he had a few original Picasso sketchbooks that he may be willing to part with... for the right price.  And he had some personal items of Van Gogh - a couple of shoes and an unused toothbrush. 

That kind of shit doesn't interest me at all.  I want that Starry Night painting or the Chick Playing the Lute.  He said he didn't own those.

He mentioned Jackson Pollock and I reminded him of the horrible box office grosses of the movie Pollock.  He reminded me of the horrible box office grosses of Vincent & Theo (which I blame more on Robert Altman than anything else).

I could go on about our insane conversation, but I won't (Geffen went on and on about the brilliance of Damien Hirst and Jeff Koons - I looked them up and they are freaks).

Here's the deal - I want to buy some art.  Anyone at the studio who knows something about it - let me know.  There must be a couple of Art History majors floating around the Script Development Department (God knows we have enough Folklore Mythology majors).  Perhaps I'll even invite you to lunch in my executive dining room.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  I have returned from my keynote speech in Davos with a new sense of optimism about our business.  After the global success of Avatar and the record-breaking television ratings of the Super Bowl, Old Media is back and we must quickly capture this lightning in a bottle before the New Media geeks take it away from us again.

So... with the recent layoffs and terrible financial news that our company endured last year, it is more important than ever for us to get our ducks in a row.  That said, I am arranging a senior management offsite in about a month to determine where we will go from here.  

I have narrowed our offsite location choice down to either Bali or the The Maldives. 

Please vote on your preference via email or leave a blog comment.  I'll make the final decision in the next few days.

Now, more than ever, we need to commit our resources smartly in order to prosper in this very difficult economic environment. 

Also, congratulations to Lloyd Grohl, he was the winner of the Manka Bros. Super Bowl pool.  Please drop by my office for your $15,250 winnings.  Asshole.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

[Manka Bros. Studios Chairman & CEO Khan Manka, Jr. gave a keynote address today at the Davos World Economic Forum in Switzerland.  He wanted me to post a transcript of his speech for everyone at the studio to read.  It is posted, unedited, below. -- Vicky Adler-Modry - Senior Executive Assistant to Khan Manka, Jr.]

KHAN MANKA, JR. ADDRESSES THE 2010 DAVOS, SWITZERLAND WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM - JANUARY 28, 2010

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Thank you very much President Sarkozy for that incredible introduction.  I had no idea of the impact I and my company have had on you throughout your life.  I was genuinely moved by your words.  Give my love to your smoking hot wife.

[French President Nicolas Sarkozy embraces Khan Manka, Jr. and exits the stage.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Thanks to the World Economic Forum Committee - or as I like to call them "The Drunken Dozen" - for choosing me to address this conference.  It's not often that an ex-hippie song plugger from the Laurel Canyon neighborhood of Los Angeles gets this kind of an opportunity.  But it's not often that a hippie song plugger from Laurel Canyon becomes the head of the World's Largest Media Company.  I can thank my bastard dad (legendary Hollywood mogul and Manka Bros. founding brother Harry Manka) for dying 35 years ago and sticking me with this suck ass job.

[Khan Manka, Jr. has to hold while the audience laughs uproariously.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Let me get right to it.  You bankers with your ski resort conferences and presentations looking for answers on what went wrong is such a joke to me. 

[A few audible hisses and one very loud "bull shit" is heard from the crowd.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Fuck you guys.  The global economy is not a difficult thing to figure out.  Make shit that people want to buy and sell it for a price that people can pay.  There is a reason Manka Bros. is the World's Largest Media Company.  It's simple.  It's because we are the biggest and we are not stupid.  When Jimmy Cameron came to me and said he wanted to make a $400 million dollar movie about blue people set on a distant planet, I passed.  No fucking way am I shooting a movie on another planet.  It's expensive enough in California! 

[Silence.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  I then asked him if he had any teenage Frankenstein movies.  Actually, he did.  I'm happy to say Manka Bros. has started production on James Cameron's "Frankie Stein" - for a budget that is almost half of what it cost to make "Avatar".  THAT'S good business.  That's why we're still IN business.

[Silence.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  The media world is especially easy to figure out.  Everybody is trying to come up with new business models, new gadgets, new ways for people to experience the crappy shit we all produce.  Translation:  We've got to exploit this horrible movie or TV series on multiple platforms so we can get our money back.  MAKE GOOD CONTENT AND PEOPLE WILL BUY IT.  If you want to stick it on an iPad or a Lieberscanner 3000, go right ahead.  But first, find writers who can write, directors who can direct, actors who can act, and producers who can produce.   Everything else will take care of itself.

[Applause and a few shouts of approval.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  You international bankers are a real freaky bunch.  You love to find ways not to give me money for my movies.  It's not like you're strapped for cash.  You recovered and kept all that gold the Nazi's stole, for Christ's sake! 

[There is gasp from the audience.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  But you'll all be sorry.  We've got a great film slate.  I thought you idiots liked Will Ferrell.  We've got three movies with him ready to go:  "Gregory Lopez: Excellent Plumber", "Ray Edwards: African Explorer", and, my favorite, "Mud Jenkins:  County Assessor".  We're going to make billions with or without your precious money... that you stole!

[A red light flashes in Khan Manka, Jr.'s face.]

Khan Manka, Jr.:  I'm being told to wrap it up.  So I will end with these words from my Uncle - the great Khan Manka, Sr. - "Hollywood is a town where everybody is desperate for success and nearly everyone fails.  But if you are a mogul and you make movies, you will get laid... a lot."  Thank you.  I'll be drinking tonight with the Money Honey at the Hotel Eden bar if anyone would like to come over and get drunk with me.

[Khan Manka, Jr. exits the stage.]

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

To all the acquisition and distribution executives at Manka Highbrow, Manka Dogme and Manka Docs - due to budgetary constraints and the absolutely shitty year you all had in 2009, you will not be attending the Sundance Film Festival this year.  If you desperately feel the need to attend in order to bid on a movie about Native American pedophiles looking for redemption, then I suggest you quit your job and start a new company that specializes in distributing videos shot on camcorders.

When the economy was good, this was not an issue for us.  We loved to throw money away during the good times.  Sometimes we even got lucky - for instance, when we picked up the rights to Snuffing Out The Magic Fury (which will finally open next month after extensive recuts and reshoots and recasts). 

But, too bad, junior executives, there will be no more $600 a night rooms with $1,000 a night "entertainment" bar tabs while you try to sleep with 22-year-old "directors" who would do anything to get their $300 film about an autistic coal miner distributed by a major Hollywood studio.

I realize you've probably already purchased your $400 ski caps that you were planning on wearing throughout the festival because independent film makers are way too cool to shower (and, of course, you have to be just like them).  I guess you'll have to return those at lunch today.

We have a new theatrical policy here at Manka Bros. - WE WILL NOT PRODUCE OR DISTRIBUTE ANY FILM THAT DOES NOT MAKE MONEY!

So for the young writers and directors of the world who make films about:

• The various plights of high school geeks growing up in the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s;
  
• Immigrants trying to survive in modern day Mobile, Alabama;
• Poets trying to break free from their oppressive capitalist "day jobs"
• Cancer movies of every size and shape;
  
• (and, my favorite) Movies about filmmakers trying to get their films made in Hollywood where everyone who works at a studio is some kind of idiot...

I'm sorry, you'll have to find some other sucker to distribute your story that MUST BE TOLD. 

I hear The Weinstein Company has about $200 left from their billion dollar war chest.  Go ahead and take your precious little film to Harvey Weinstein.  He's not hard to find - he'll be the one smoking.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios
The World's Largest Media Company

Normally, I'm too busy to talk about my father's death but I have a little time this morning before a very important mogul-only lunch.  So I have a few minutes (and a very nice Bloody Mary - thank you Vicky) to talk about my dad.

Harry Manka was a real prick.  Not just to me but to all of my mothers (he had six wives - I've never really been sure which one was my real mother). 

But people outside the family loved Harry Manka.  He was called Hollywood's Dark Lord for his habit of holding certain actors and writers hostage in the attic of Building 23 on the studio lot (dubbed "The Tower") until they gave in to his demands. 

Harry Manka had an amazing ability to stay alive.  Most people thought he would die from his sixth heart attack in 1958 - but he would go on to have three more and two strokes over the next 18 years.  He drank a bottle of Crown Royal every day, smoked three packs of unfiltered Camel Turkish Gold cigarettes every day and smoked a box of cigars every day. 

Dad-Dad loved horrible movies and television shows because he was constantly making them.  During the early 1970s, he nearly bankrupt our family and the studio with such gems as Escape From Satan's Planet and Black Illiad.

But this is not a day to piss on my father's grave.  This is a day to remember a man who co-founded the World's Largest Media Company (though it wasn't the largest when I took over in 1976) with my two Uncles - the great Khan Manka (Sr.) who died tragically in 1937 before I was born; and crazy Simeon Manka (1882 - 1958) who died on Hollywood Blvd. wearing only a sandwich board that read "Benny's World of Beef". 

I vaguely remember the day of Harry Manka's death.  I received a call from C.J. Siegal, my dad's personal assistant, who told me he was killed on the golf course after being hit with an errant tee shot.  We knew nothing could kill my dad and suddenly he dies after being hit with a golf ball?  It was crazy.  To this day, no one has confirmed who hit the ball that killed my dad.  But we know.  He was playing with Bob Hope, Joey Levitch and President of the U.S. - GERALD FORD.  Who do you think killed Harry Manka?

C.J. was horrified when I told him I wouldn't be able to come to the house later to be with the family because my band - King Khan - was getting ready for a very important gig at the Starlite Room in North Hollywood.  Plus, later that night I had tickets for Jefferson Starship at the Forum.  Being the son of a movie mogul, I always got backstage passes and nothing was going to stop me from using them.

On the day of his death, I was named Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. Studios.  I did not want this job.  I wanted to smoke dope and drop acid with my Hollywood friends.  I didn't want to wear shoes and go to an office.  I could feel that my band was really starting to take off.  But C.J. Siegal reasoned with me and said I could immediately sign my own band to the Manka Bros. Records label and record a real album.  This convinced me to take the job. 

But after two weeks in that giant office with movie stars and directors begging you to make their movies, I quickly dropped the band and never recorded that album.  I realized being a media mogul is so much more impressive than being in a garage band.  No matter how good our version of "Smoke On The Water" was. 

So, here we are, 34 years later, and Manka Bros. is the World's Largest Media Company. 

I'll leave you with one final thought - one of the last things my father ever said to me:  "If you're going to waste your life - go ahead and kill yourself.  I'll even give you the pills or the gun to do it!" - Harry Manka (1883-1976).

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Yesterday, I was shocked to learn that Oren Aviv was fired as President of Disney Motion Picture Productions.  While I have never met Mr. Aviv personally, I have heard that he is an excellent cribbage player (and you all know how much I admire good cribbage). 

I'm not really sure what Rich Ross has in mind for his executive team at Disney but it seems to me he's really fucking things up and creating a Colonel Kurtz-like environment of ultimate power.  Ultimate power over teenage girl media content... but still ultimate power.

Well, I say, good luck to him.  All I can hope is that my good friend Bob Iger has Mr. Ross on a short leash.  I get a creepy feeling whenever I drive past the Disney Studios as though those freakin' Dwarfs are watching my every move.  I wouldn't be surprised if the severed heads of middle managers start to appear on the Disney perimeter fence - stuck on top of the iron Micky Mouse ears - as a warning to those who don't fall in line.

(And please don't email me about the above comment.  I realize the severed head thing happened many years ago at Manka Bros. when my father, Harry Manka, ran the studio - but it was only that one time - and I heard the guy deserved it.)

Anyway, back to Oren Aviv.  Manka Bros., the world's largest media company, would like to offer Mr. Aviv a very high-level position at the studio.  Perhaps even President of the Manka Bros. Theatrical Group (especially considering how shitty a job Robin Rafe has been doing these last couple of years).  Even Disney's worse year is far better than our best year lately.

Whatever job you think you might like, Oren, just let me know.  I'm happy to push out anyone (with the exception of Lloyd Grohl) to give you a place here.  Things are looking up for Manka Bros. and we'd love to have you on our team.

And don't even think about going to Fox (Rupert Murdoch will make you clean the urinals) or Paramount (Sumner Redstone will make you wipe his ass).

Let me know, Oren, ASAP.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good afternoon. 

Last night, I called MGM CEO Mary Parent to inform her that Manka Bros. would not be bidding on MGM.  Many have speculated that Manka Bros. would be the most likely suitor of MGM (which includes the 4,000 film library) but I have decided that it would no longer be a strategic fit for our company (though if the bidding falls below $1 billion, I may have to rethink things). 

Manka Bros. is the world's largest media company with the world's largest film library and we simply don't need to add 4,000 more titles to it.  Manka Classic Movies, as it is, can only show about 3,500 movies a year (24x7 without commercials).  At that rate, it would take us at least four years to show every film in our library (and we don't want to show every film in our library as most of them are total crap). 

There was a time when I wanted to own all the copyrights of the world.  I think I may be changing my mind now that DVD is dead and pirates are stealing everything we produce.

So, sorry MGM, hopefully Time Warner or Fox will bail your asses out. 

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

P.S. - I would like to offer Mary Parent a job if the new owners foolishly don't keep her.  She seems really on top of things.

Good morning from the Wynn Encore in Vegas!

Yesterday, I received a call from my old friend and employee Warren Lieberfarb.  I was completely taken by surprise as I hadn't heard from him for a few years.  His ego had gotten so completely out of control after he was crowned the King of DVD that I really had no interest in talking to him or dealing with his bullshit. 

It seems that Warren has a new venture in which a large bio-mechanical chip (about the size of a playing card) is inserted under the skin of your arm.  Downloaded onto this chip is your entire library of movies, television shows, games and music (HD or standard def). 

Using the (patent pending) LieberScanner 8000, this library can be transferred to any TV, PC or mobile device with a simple scan of the barcode on the chip in your arm. 

Normally, I would have hung up on Warren right there (especially when he drones on and on about something as ridiculous as the LieberScanner 8000) but he mentioned that he was having a party in his suite at the Bellagio and I had nothing else to do last night (Terry Semel, the jerk, bailed on our dinner plans at the last minute for "something else he had to do").

I arrived at Warren's suite via a private solid gold elevator.  He had quite a set up - similar to Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.  High-tech hangers on and home video geeks stood around the outer lobby of his suite just hoping to get a glimpse of the great man.  But only a privileged few (such as myself) were allowed inside.

Warren and I go back about 30 years to the beginnings of the home video boom.  When the VHS cassette was first introduced, I hired Warren to go from house-to-house to sell Manka Bros. film titles from the trunk of his 1974 Datsun.  He was so good at selling shitty copies of "Black Illiad" and "Mother Trucker" for $89.95 each that I offered him the chance to head up our new home video division - but he had already taken a job with Warners.

Things really fell apart between him and me when he was trying to get DVD off the ground and Manka Bros. was firmly in the DIVX camp (we still are today - though, reluctantly, we do offer our titles on DVD).  We're also still in the HD-DVD camp... Fuck Blu-ray!).

So... to continue... I entered the inner-sanctum of Warren's suite to see him holding court in front of a 75-inch plasma screen.  His right arm was exposed to show the giant chip embedded in his arm.  Surrounding him was a group of slackjawed lapdog executives all salivating at the thought of this new technology and what it can do for them. 

Now Warren doesn't actually have the funding yet for this new idea, so for his demonstration he was using a child's scanner from some Fisher-Price grocery store toy.  He continued:

Warren Lieberfarb:  ... As the LieberScanner 8000 rolls over the barcode, my entire library is now transferred to every device in the room - the television, the computer, the iPhone, etc.

Nothing really happened when he clicked the scanner, but people were impressed nonetheless.  It was only Lady Gaga that brought up any kind of criticism. 

Lady Gaga:  Why does it have to be implanted in your arm?

Warren Lieberfarb:  Who the fuck are you?  Are you wearing butterfly wings?  And are they bleeding?

Lady Gaga:  Just answer the question.

Warren Lieberfarb:  The chip is implanted in your arm so that you always have your intellectual property with you.  You won't lose it if it's sewn into your arm.  And, when you want to buy more movies and music, just scan the item and it's downloaded into the chip and charged to your credit card.

Lady Gaga:  Why not just put everything on a small storage device and put it in your wallet or purse?  This idea is so stupid.

Warren Lieberfarb:  I want her out of here.  Throw her off the roof and see if she can fly.

A couple of MBA-types, who looked like they worked out, grabbed Lady Gaga by the wings and pulled her screaming out of the room.

I had seen enough and knew, like Strauss Zelnick's recent rooftop salon, that I probably shouldn't have come.  I decided to leave without even saying hello to Warren.  I'll send him a fruit basket and wish him well on his new venture.

Tonight, I'll be playing poker with Ben Silverman at the Palms.  If I survive, I'll write about it.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning and happy 2010! 

Because of all the recent terrorist activity going on in Yemen, I just wanted to give a quick update on the status of Manka Bros.' billion dollar Manka Fun Park Yemen. 

As many of you may remember, I went to Yeman last August for the groundbreaking ceremony.  After that, due to political turmoil and badly handled wire transfers, they never got around to actually starting construction.

Now, it seems that there are terrorists operating in and around the site for the future theme park. 

I just want to assure everyone involved that steps have been taken to ensure the safety of any future tourists to our theme park.  Metal detectors have been installed and intense cavity searches will be conducted on anyone entering the park.  So safety is not an issue and we are moving forward with the project as planned.

Even though I thought the opening would have to be pushed back a few months to 2011, I was reassured by the Yemeni leader Ali Abdullah Saleh that since labor costs in that country are non-existent and there are no overtime rules, the scheduled opening later this year will easily be met. 

That's the beauty of a dictatorship!

This is great news for Manka Bros. because Yemen is a completely untapped market for Western-style entertainment.  Disney has been too busy concentrating on China to realize where the real money is.  Losers.  We will have the market to ourselves.

Now if we can only get a fucking movie that makes money we'll really be on a roll.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios