... to inform me that he was going to wage a proxy battle for control of Manka Bros.  The first thing I needed to do was get out of my mud bath.  The second thing was to find out what a proxy battle was.  As Chairman of the World's Largest Media Company, this was something I should probably know about.

I told Icahn he was out of his mind and most likely forgot to take his medication.  I said, "I'm sorry Book Club didn't go better but this is ridiculous.  We're just a humble giant media company trying to make our movies and television shows in peace." 

He said that he had taken his medication(s) and was doing this because he feels Manka Bros. is grossly undervalued (which is true) and grossly mismanaged (which is not true!... with the exception of the Theatrical Group - but Robin Rafe knows she's on thin ice - or, at least, she knows now).

At this point, Carl Icahn started blabbering about shareholder value and profit margins and blah blah blah.  I just plugged my ears and said 'la la la la' at a high volume.  When he was finished I simply told him:  "Carl, do realize what this studio has been through in the last 90 years and we're still here today?"  I then gave him a laundry list of hardships Manka Bros. has endured over the years.  These include:

• The Great Mud Slide of '22

• The Great Cyclone of '34

• The Great Burbank Tornado of '84

• The Great Giant Rat Infestation of '92

• The recent Great Los Angeles Earthquake of 2008

• Complete Fire Devastation in 1919, 1921, 1923, 1927, 1934 (2), 1935, 1941, 1948, 1954, 1958, 1968, 1977, 1984, 1996

• My uncle Simeon Manka even wrote in his autobiography Family Secrets that there was a tidal wave in Burbank that hit the studio in 1920 (but he was crazy so we don't really believe that one).  He died in 1958 on Hollywood Boulevard wearing only a sandwich board that read "Benny's World Of Beef."
  

• There was the Fatty Arbuckle Lifetime Contract in 1922 that almost sank the studio before it really started
  

• Louis B. Mayer planted landmines all around the Manka Bros. lot in 1938 (we believe some are still buried around the lot today especially near the main TV building)

• My uncle, the great Khan Manka (Sr.) was shot, stabbed, strangled, run over by several cars and kidnapped... and that was just in 1935
  

• The studio has been near bankruptcy 25 times including most recently in 1984 where we were forced to produce Suzanne Somers Thigh Master informercials just to stay afloat
  

As I was about to tell him of the grizzly bear attack I survived in my office, Carl Icahn cut me off--

"But you won't survive me.  No one beats The Icahn!"  He hung up.

I got back into my mud bath.  I just wish things were settled like in the times of my father and uncles.  If someone wanted something, they just fought over it with boxing gloves as in the time my Uncle Khan boxed Carl Laemmle for the movie rights to Frankenstein.

I guess those days are over.  A proxy battle it is.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good afternoon.  As you all may know, I have a Book Club once a month and Carl Icahn heard about it and wanted to join.  He seems like a nice enough guy and he had the cash for the buy-in so - okay.  This may have been the biggest mistake I have ever made.  I had never met the man before but everyone else in the group (Dick Parsons, Terry Semel, Sherry Lansing, Alice Cooper and Barry Diller) all seemed to be fairly well acquainted with him.  

Our book this month was Water For Elephants by Sara Gruen.  Because of my broken ankle (the screws come out next week) we held the discussion at my Beverly Hills compound in the main library.  After consulting about the book with Cyrus Weinstein, President of the Manka Bros. Publishing Group, I felt more prepared than ever to discuss it.  He basically said it was a good summer read with decent characters.  So I was ready to give my opinion.

After everyone downed a couple of shots of Slivovitz, we got down to it.  I knew we were in trouble after Carl Icahn pulled out a giant binder of research materials.  Here is my recollection of how it all went down. 

Carl Icahn:  I have an opening statement prepared if you'd--

Barry Diller:  Fuck that, Carl.  I wouldn't let you take over IAC and I'm not letting you take over Book Club.

Carl Icahn:  One way or another, I'm going to take over Book Club.

Dick Parsons:  Hey, guys, come on - this is about Water For Elephants.

Terry Semel:  I have to tell you something.  I fucking cried at this book.  Why wouldn't anyone get any water for those elephants?

Sherry Lansing:  Did you even read the book?

Terry Semel:  I don't need to read the book.  I've been in this business so long that just based on the title, I can tell you everything you need to know about that book all the way down to the color of the elephant.

Alice Cooper:  What color was the elephant?

Terry Semel:  Gray.

Alice Cooper:  He's good. 

Barry Diller:  I can't believe we're already talking about the fucking color of the elephant!  This is bullshit.

Carl Icahn:  The color of the elephant isn't even mentioned in the book.

Terry Semel:  Shut up, Carl.

Carl Icahn:  Yell at me all you want but I'm going to take over Book Club.  This Book Club is an unfocused joke.  Khan, if you can't even run a Book Club meeting - how can you run a large media company?  Now I know why Manka Bros. is in the shitter.

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Now you're insulting me - in my fucking house?!  It was a mistake to invite you.  Please leave.

Carl Icahn:  No.

At this point, I called Body By Jake (who I had hired to carry me from room to room until my ankle healed) to physically remove Carl Icahn from my house.  As Body By Jake approached putting on brass knuckles, Carl Icahn performed some sort of Kung Fu move and began to twitch oddly, screeching at the top of his lungs.  Body By Jake easily knocked him to the ground and started to drag him out of the room.

Carl Icahn:  I didn't want to be your Book Club anyway.  I just came to tell you I'm taking over controlling interest in Manka Bros. and replacing your pathetic Board Directors... asshole!

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Screw off, Icahn!  You don't take over the World's Largest Media Company.  We take over you!

He laughed and was gone.  This was not the way I wanted my Sunday afternoon to go.

Barry Diller:  Can we please discuss the book now?

This was the worst Book Club ever.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

As I wrote in my previous post, I was expecting a very nice evening with good food, good drink and non-confrontational conversation with my good friends Jeff Zucker of NBC Universal and Peter Chernin of News Corp / Fox - but it didn't work out that way.

After we sat down to my Louis XIV dining table in the dining room I call Valhalla, Zucker pulled out his iPhone, hit a few buttons and showed us the screen:  "Check this fucking out.  That's live Olympic coverage from Beijing.  That's kayaking on my phone, losers!  We have over 180,000 hours of sports programming which can be played on over 50,000 devices.  These events can be seen by over 8 billion people and there are only 7 billion people on the planet." 

"How is that possible?," I said. 

"People have multiple devices, idiot, and that's the future.  You watch basketball on your television, swimming on your phone, ping pong on your xBox, Greco-Roman wrestling on your computer - all at the same time with multiple advertisers on each device.  I see a world where we're not making a $1 billion dollars for the entire Olympics, we're making a $1 billion dollars a minute - per device - per sport.  You guys... shit... you guys see a world where kids play with a Red Dot and go to see Space Chimps."

Chernin started to cry again.  "No, they DON'T go to see Space Chimps!"  The failure of Space Chimps really put him over the edge. 

Zucker banged his iPhone on the table, muttering to himself.  I told him if he was having trouble with the signal and wanted to watch something I could turn on the TV.  He told me to fuck off. 

I then mentioned that Manka Bros. had solved the issue between Old Media and New Media over a year ago and we were back making movies and television shows like the old days.  I continued:  "With 'New Media', this is the first time in the history of new technologies that the quality is worse than it was with the old technologies.  The CD improved the LP.  The DVD improved the video tape.  Streaming video online is shit compared to an 80 inch high-definition television - but we're all falling over each other to put our high quality shows in a low quality shitty format."

Zucker cut me off:  "You're a moron, Khan.  This is why Manka Bros. is the dinosaur of the business.  Sure, you're the world's largest media company - but who gives a shit if you're not looking to the future."

"I'll show you the future, Zucker."  My housekeeper and cook, Ismaralda, came out with the first dinner course.  "Ismaralda and her family are the future - not your kids in their prep schools watching skateboard videos on their $600 phones.  She makes $7,000 dollars a year working 18 hours a day for me - plus I sometimes give her bus fare home on late nights when her cousin can't pick her up.  Ask her about your plans for New Media."

Jeff Zucker didn't hesitate.  "Have a seat, Esmarelda.  Let's say you're watching a rebroadcast of Knight Rider on your iPhone and you get a TiVo alert that Deal or No Deal is about to begin..."

Ismaralda interrupted him:  "I don't have a iPhone--"

Jeff Zucker:  "Who gives a shit?  Any device will do.  My point is that you have options.  In the future, you can watch anything you want, anytime you want."

Ismaralda:  "I can barely afford food."

Jeff Zucker:  "OK, fuck this.  I'm out, Khan."  With that, Jeff Zucker got up and left my house. 

Peter Chernin started eating in silence.  As Ismaralda started back to the kitchen she said to Peter:  "Did I hear you made Space Chimps?  "Yes, my studio made Space Chimps."  

"I loved that movie!  So did my whole family."

Peter smiled.  Another victory for Old Media.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  My cook, Ismaralda, made lobster last night so I decided to invite a couple of my friends and fellow moguls Jeff Zucker of NBC Universal and Peter Chernin of News Corp / Fox over for dinner.  I thought it was just going to be a nice pleasant evening with some really good wine and really good food.  But I was wrong... again.  Because of my broken ankle, I hired Body By Jake to carry me around from room to room until I recovered.  He was unavailable last night because of some audition for a cat commercial so I had to manage myself on crutches.  

Jeff Zucker was the first to arrive and he set the tone for the evening when he first saw me:  "$300 million for a fucking red dot?  What are you whacked out of your skull?"  I told him he sounded like he's living in that "schadenfreude world" that he loves to talk about.  And he's absolutely right.  We are all wishing for him to fail. 

Peter Chernin came to the door right after and looked just awful.  His shirt was untucked and dirty, his tie was loose and on the outside of his wrinkled jacket.  Tears in his eyes.  I was shocked.  He always seemed to have the image of a man in complete control.  I asked:  "Peter, what happened?"  He looked up:  "Space Chimps.  Space Chimps broke my heart.  Fucking Batman!"  I could tell Peter Chernin has had a break down.  Space Chimps opened weeks ago.

I tried to cheer him up.  "Come on, Peter, it's just a movie.  It didn't work.  Manka Bros. has movies that don't work every week.  You still have your money and your power.  You've got the best margins in the business.  Things will get better."

He didn't look at me and just made a beeline for an open bottle of Slivovitz on the bar.  [Our main MBS advertiser, Slivovitz, has saved me on many occasions - including recently with Bulgarian Prime Minister Sergey Stanishev.]

Zucker continued his assault on me:  "And what the fuck is up with your leg?  Are you that much of a pussy?"  I explained my horrific injury.  He rolled his eyes:  "Do you realize I have two broken ankles, a dislocated knee, I'm just getting over two bouts of colon cancer, my car doesn't start regularly, there's a nail in my brain and I still managed to play 12 sets of tennis today and worked 120 hours last week in 8 different countries?!"

"I guess that's why NBC is the #4 network", I said.  His face got very red but he pulled back:  "I'm not taking that bait, Khan.  MBS' ratings are so low it doesn't even register on Nielsen and you just bought a fucking red dot for $300 million!!!"

Ismaralda came in to tell us dinner was ready.  Peter Chernin said he would meet us in a few minutes.  He had to make a call to his shrink.

As we all sat down to dinner, the conversation turned to what the industry has been buzzing about for a couple of years now - Old Media vs. New Media. 

This was a fascinating conversation - and I will pick it up here tomorrow.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

This morning, we made a very exciting announcement that will be a huge boost to our Manka Kids and MC Comics divisions.

Over the weekend, we purchased 'Red Dot' - the wildly popular manga character from Kodansha, Ltd. - for $300 million.  I know that is a shit load of money for a little red dot that doesn't really do anything - but I have been assured that this is a very popular character with the kids.  So the acquisition price will seem like peanuts in the long run.  And after the horrible earnings announcement last week, I felt we needed a little something to jump start our business.

Many of you are probably wondering how this acquisition came about so quickly.  For one thing, I am very good friends with Kodansha President Sawako Noma.  She would probably hate that I'm telling you all this, but we used to date in the early 1980s.  At the time, Japanese companies were buying up a lot of American companies (thank you Ronald Reagan) and she came over to the studio to 'kick the tires', if you will.  I won't go into details but to say that she 'kicked the tires' for two straight hot weeks (including an unforgettable weekend in Vegas).  But then she was recalled to Japan by her family and that was that.  They didn't buy the studio.  My heart was broken.  Life hasn't been the same since.

So welcome Red Dot to the Manka Bros. family of characters!  I really don't get why it's popular.  It's just a stupid red dot that anyone can draw - but I'm not a 12 year old kid. 

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

What I mean to say is... WHO - THE FUCK - IS IN MY PARKING SPOT?!!!  As you all know, I haven't been in the office for awhile - but if I did decide to show up, this piece of shit Toyota Tercel would be sitting in my spot! 

I have notified my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry, to have this car crushed into a cube and thrown in the Pacific Ocean!  The owner of the car will be traced and fired.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  As our stock price hovers around the $0 mark and brokerages have changed the recommendation on our company from "sell" to "immediately sell", I thought I should blog today for Mr. Manka and clarify a few of the remarks he made yesterday during our Q2 2008 earnings announcement / summer party.

First of all, Mr. Manka has a severely broken ankle and is on heavy pain medication (which I'm told can affect your memory and ability to comprehend what is actually going on around you).  So, with that - let me set the record straight.

Jessica Reif Cohen of Merrill Lynch did NOT arrive drunk to the party "giggling like a chicken".  Ms. Cohen was actually driving the car because the driver we hired was the one that was drunk.  She was concerned for his safety and made him ride in the back.  Thank you, Ms. Cohen.  That was very heroic and you deserve our highest thanks.

Benjamin Swinburne of Morgan Stanley was horrified at the comments attributed to him.  He would never be so crude in a party atmosphere.  And... he's right.  Those comments about "double digit growth in his pants" were made by... me.  I said them.  That's right.  I'm... sorry.

Meredith Whitney of Oppenheimer & Co. has been the most grievously misrepresented by Khan Manka's remarks.  I was standing right next to Ms. Whitney and know it couldn't have been her who said such vile things because... it was me also.  Yep.  I just don't know how to behave.  Please call off your zebras and especially tell your professional WWE wrestler husband to stop threatening to kick my ass.  We know he can kick my ass.  I deserve it.  Also, please give us back our line of credit.  We really need it.  We have several movies that are half way through production and we must finish and release them to hit our 2009 numbers.

As for the others who were "misrepresented" in Mr. Manka's remarks:

• Glenn Vogelman of Goldman Sachs did not climb a tree and demand to be called "Our Lord and Master".  That was Jay McBee - the President of the Manka Bros. Television Group.

• Jeffrey Logson of BMO Capital DID pee on Mr. Manka's white carpet.  I WILL NOT BACK DOWN ON THIS ONE!
  

• Ian Sigalow of Greycroft Partners did not punch a hole in Mr. Manka's Picasso.  That hole was already there and, in fact, Mr. Sigalow is so great he has offered to pay for the restoration himself.  We think the hole got there during Bulgarian Prime Minister Sergey Stanishev's visit.

And, finally, Henry Blodget of the very influential industry blog Silicon Alley Insider, we're so sorry.  You didn't back up the toilets.  Those toilets were probably already backed up for weeks (most likely from the Bulgarian Women's Choir or... better yet... I most likely did it.  Yes, I did it).

I hope this helps set the record straight and everyone can stop punishing us.

David Chang - CFO - Manka Bros. Studios
 

There is a Bulgarian proverb that says:  "If you call one wolf, you invite the pack." 

Manka Bros. reported second-quarter earnings yesterday in the form of a summer party.  I invited the top Wall Street entertainment analysts that cover our company to my house for an informal discussion.  I sent the Manka Bros. jet (the Joey 1) to pick them up.  It sounded like such a great plan.

I am told they all started to drink heavily on the plane.  What happened next will probably go down as the worst few hours in the history of our company (the stock price, I believe, is reflecting that today).  I have yet to decide who (or how many) will be fired.

I knew we were in trouble when the first town car arrived and Jessica Reif Cohen (Merrill Lynch) fell out of the car giggling like a chicken.  Car after car arrived full of some of the most influential people on Wall Street.  All drunk.

A meet and greet area was set up on The Great South Lawn of my house so that I could make a few opening remarks.  I arranged for Terry Semel to introduce me.  He knew the Wall Street game inside and out and always seemed to know exactly what to say to a crowd like this (I thought).  After everyone got a refill (I believe I heard Spencer Wang of Credit Suisse say"Where's my fucking drink!?"), Terry stepped up to the podium and began.

Terry Semel:  "As we enter the 20th century, my friend Khan Manka is poised for that future.  I don't know how he makes money.  Most of the stuff I've seen from his studio has been shit.  It boggles my mind.  Ladies and gentlemen, Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman and CEO of Manka Bros. Studios."

He walked toward the bar and left me to the wolves.  I will not forget that... ever.  I made my remarks.

Khan Manka, Jr.:  "Manka Bros. Studios is the world's largest media company.  That is undisputed.  As you can see from the chart we have placed on your tables, based on size, we are, indeed, the largest.  Even with a challenging second quarter - which I'll get to in a moment - we are still projecting double-digit growth in--

At this point, Benjamin Swinburne of Morgan Stanley interrupted:

Benjamin Swinburne:  I'm projecting double-digit growth, too... in my pants!

This got a big laugh and high fives all around.  That pretty much put an end to my opening remarks.  It all just fell into drunken chaos after that. 

Meredith Whitney (a top banking analyst from Oppenheimer), who personally has the power to freeze Manka Bros.' lines of credit and bring down once untouchable banks, pretty much ended all financial discussions for the day.

Meredith Whitney:  Khan, we know your numbers better than you know your numbers.  They're fucked!  I just have one question for you...

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Yes?

Meredith Whitney:  Pull my finger.

She then doubled over in hysterics and threw up on my world's largest media chart.  Throwing up on my stuff seemed to be the overriding theme of the day. 

Here are a choice few lowlights:

• Glenn Vogelman of Goldman Sachs climbed one of my backyard trees and refused to come down until we all called him "Our Lord and Master"

• Jeffrey Logsdon of BMO Capital tried to spell his name on a white carpet in my master bathroom as though it were snow
  

• Ian Sigalow of Greycroft Partners punched a hole in my Picasso Femme Aux Bras Croises because "that's couch cushion money for me, bitch!"

On top of everything else, my Beverly Hills compound has been wrecked.  I have 15 bathrooms in my house and 14 of the toilets are backed up (thank you, Henry Blodget!)

I could go on and on...

At some point, I told my senior executives to fight back.  We have worked too hard building this company to have these snide little pricks and prickesses make some little comment in their quarterly report that sends our stock plunging.  It's kill or be killed!

There was screaming, fighting, biting, stabbing... everything you wouldn't expect from a second-quarter earnings report.  

I fear telling my executives to fight back was a strategic mistake.  This morning, every major brokerage house has a "sell" rating on our stock (MBX:  NYSE).  Oh, well, I knew this was coming.  At least I was able to sell a giant block of shares before we announced earnings.

So, it's morning at Manka Bros.  We must move forward.  We have a new day ahead of us and much work to do.  We have the world's best movies and television shows to produce.  So get to work.  We won't be having a third-quarter earnings party. 

As yesterday was wrapping up, Vijay Jayant of Lehman Brothers asked me if we could give him any guidance going forward.  I said - "Here's your guidance.  Drop the bottle of Dom Perignon and get off my fucking property!"

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. - I'm going to need the Manka Bros. Strategic Planning Group to come clean up this mess.

Good morning.  I was informed yesterday on my return from Yemen that we were supposed to report our Q2 2008 results today.  The timing is just terrible for this.  I told my CFO - David Chang - that, based on the numbers, we should shake up the normal conference call format of the report and do something a little different.

So today, I have decided to invite several top Wall Street analysts to my Beverly Hills compound for a party / discussion.  We have made all the necessary arrangements and dispatched the jet to New York to pick them all up.  All food, drink and accommodations will be provided by Manka Bros.  All senior Manka Bros. executives will be made available to serve the analysts and to talk over our results. 

With this informal gathering, we hope to convince the Street that Manka Bros. is headed in the right direction.  We feel Wall Street has unfairly punished our stock (MBX: NYSE) due to poor results.  This party today should convince the financial world and our shareholders that we are the best run and best positioned company in not just the media sector - but in the entire free world.

The caterers have just arrived.  Check back here tomorrow for a full report on our Q2 2008 Results Summer Party.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Do not disturb me.  Last week was terrible and I think I snapped one of the screws in my leg. 

The ground has been broken in San'a, Yemen for the $1 Billion Dollar Manka Fun Park Yemen.  I'm curious to know who's idea it was for Manka Bros. to 100% finance this venture.  In talking with Yemen President Ali Abdullah Saleh, he told me they were willing to fund 90% of this park but we turned him down.  After going there and spending a little quality time, I believe this was a great error in judgment.  The President told me proudly that last year he had 45 tourists from other countries.  He's expecting 60 next year.  This will not be enough to cover the cost of the park.  Yes, I approved this deal but that doesn't make it my fault.  I haven't decided who will take the fall - but someone will fall.

The Yemeni Airport Guard removed all the alcohol from the Manka Bros. corporate jet (the Joey 1) so the ride home was awful.  Luckily the pilot, Ray Dyson, had a little bit of pot, so that helped. 

I made Ray stop in St. Tropez to pick up alcohol and a good friend of mine, socialite Fabiola Beracasa, who needed a lift home to New York.  Fabiola had this young guy with her - Chace Crawford (from The CW TV show Gossip Girl).  He tried to talk to me about the show but I quickly handed him a list of the people who are qualified to talk to me and he isn't on that list.  I also told him that I hated most television shows especially those on my own network - MBS.  I pretty much only watch Ice Road Truckers and a home design show called Curb Appeal.  To get him to leave me alone, I told 'CC Rider' (which is what Chace Crawford wanted me to call him) that we would put him in some movie or TV show if that CW gig doesn't work out.  [Robin Rafe or Jay McBee - find something for this kid to do.]

Fabiola is planning her "End of Summer" party in the Hamptons.  I told her I would not mention anything about when it is or the guest list (all I can say is that Mort Zuckerman is on the bubble and Barry Diller is out - ha ha!).

And now I'm home.  I worry that we have just thrown $1 billion out the window.  Sixty tourists would have to pay over $150 million a ticket to break even in the first year.  Perhaps someone in accounting can help me with the math.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning,

This is Vicky Adler-Modry, Mr. Manka's Executive Assistant.  I received a fax from him this morning from the Sanaa Nights Hotel in San'a, Yemen.  As you may have read in yesterday's blog, he was in Yemen for the groundbreaking ceremony of the new Manka Fun Park Yemen.  He did not seem to pleased with the arrangements over there and is coming back early. 

Here is an image of the fax:
Following is the text of his fax:

"Did anyone come to Yemen before we made this deal?  Jordan would have (??) better.  No TV!!  Can't watch Olympics.  No Alcohol - can't get DRUNK!!!  Coming home early.  KMJ"

This is all the information I have at the moment.  I don't have his arrival time in Los Angeles.  The jet is still on the ground in San'a, Yemen.  Please do not call the office for updates.  I will update you as I get any new information.

Thanks. 

Happy Friday!

Vicky Adler-Modry,
Executive Assistant to
Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning from New York.  Khan Manka, Jr. is unavailable to write today as he is off to San'a', Yemen to scoop up the first shovel of dirt at the Manka Fun Park Yemen construction site.  Construction will begin Monday on the $1 billion park which will open in 2010.  I'm sure he'll fill us in on the details of this exciting new venture.

Today, I would like to write about something I read in Entertainment Weekly.  It was a quote by Tony DiSanto, MTV's Executive Vice President of Series Programming and Development, and he was talking about The Hills - the very successful 'reality' series on MTV.  This is the quote:  "It's (The Hills) almost becoming like a novel at this point, like this generation's A Tale of Two Cities or Oliver Twist." 

(For the record, I have heard of no incident on The Hills where one of the girls sacrifices her life on the guillotine for the other.  And I definitely haven't seen any starving orphans in a workhouse who become beggars and thieves on the streets of London.  Maybe they do symbolically.  Maybe that's what he meant.)

After reading that quote, I decided I had to meet this man and arranged for a lunch at Michael's here in New York a couple of days ago.  First of all, he's a very nice man and I in no way mean to impugn his character.  And obviously he knows his literature.  I don't believe he realized it but we had met before at Norman Mailer's last book launch party in April 2007 for The Castle In The Forest.  He was there with Kourtney Kardashian who is on another 'reality' show called Keeping Up With the Kardashians (I wonder which classic novel that one would be?). 

After we exchanged pleasantries and expressed a mutual admiration for the jobs we do at our companies, we ordered a very nice bottle of wine and settled in.  My first question confused him but I think it was because he was talking on his bluetooth while trying to pick up the waitress.  I asked him:  "If the The Hills is this generation's Tale Of Two Cities, what was last generation's Tale Of Two Cities.  The only generation that can claim Tale Of Two Cities is the one that lived during Charles Dickens' time."  His answer:  "I don't know... Harry Potter?"

I gave pause and ordered lunch.  I ordered my usual (Pan Roasted Atlantic Cod).  Tony ordered the chicken and fries.

After he got off the phone and had a good gulp of wine, we got down to some real conversation.  What other TV shows can be equated with great literature?  Shows that give kids of this generation the same impact and knowledge of a great classic book.  What I was expecting to hear from him was, you know, 'Deadliest Catch is this generation's Moby Dick' - sort of an apples to apples comparison.  But this guy was all over the map.  I must confess, I didn't understand him at all.  Here's a sampling:

• Grey's Anatomy ("Let's see... that's this generation's Huckleberry Finn")
  

• Ugly Betty ("... this generation's Paradise Lost")
  

• American Idol ("... this generation's Holy Bible")

• Masterpiece Theatre ("... who gives a shit")

• Project Runway ("... this generation's The Brothers Karamasov")

And, finally, I couldn't resist...

• Keeping Up With Kardashians ("I've actually given this one some thought - it's definitely this generation's Ulysses).

With that, he pressed his ear, receiving another phone call.  I sort of felt the urge to receive a phone call myself.  So I pressed my ear and told Tony DiSanto I needed to wrap things up.  I picked up the check.

As we shook hands, I noticed he was looking at a woman's ass and not at me.  Perhaps he can develop a new 'reality' show based on that ass.

It was at this point that I realized Publishing and Television divisions will never really be able to work together.  We in Publishing are just dinosaurs in a dying format trying to get to retirement and they're just trying to get laid.

Cyrus Weinstein - President - Manka Bros. Publishing Group

Well, I see the geeks at Manka Bros. Online have put up This Date In Manka History as the day my father died, August 5, 1976.  Normally, I'm too busy to talk about my father's death but this year, thanks to Steve Jobs and his wicked pink poodle, I'm stuck in my house with a broken ankle.  So I have some time (and the proper pain medication) to talk about my dad.

Harry Manka was a real prick.  Not just to me but to all of my mothers (he had six wives - I've never really been sure which one was my real mother).  But people outside the family loved Harry Manka.  He had an amazing ability to stay alive.  Most people thought he would die from his sixth heart attack in 1958 - but he would go on to have three more and two strokes over the next 18 years.  He drank a bottle of Crown Royal every day.  He smoked three packs of unfiltered Camel Turkish Gold cigarettes every day.  He smoked a box of cigars every day.  All of these things made up for a very big personality and a very big asshole. 

He seemed to love horrible movies and television shows because he was constantly making them.  During the early 1970s, he nearly bankrupt our family and the studio with such gems as Escape From Satan's Planet and Black Illiad.

But this is not a day to piss on my father's grave.  This is a day to remember a man who co-founded the World's Largest Media Company (though it wasn't the largest when I took over in 1976) with my two Uncles - the great Khan Manka (Sr.) who died tragically in 1937 before I was born; and crazy Simeon Manka (1882 - 1958) who died on Hollywood Blvd. wearing only a sandwich board that read "Benny's World of Beef". 

I vaguely remember the day of Harry Manka's death.  I received a call from C.J. Siegal, my dad's personal assistant, who told me he was killed on the golf course after being hit with an errant tee shot.  We knew nothing could kill my dad and suddenly he dies after being hit with a golf ball?  It was crazy.  To this day, no one has confirmed who hit the ball that killed my dad.  But we know.  He was playing with Bob Hope, Joey Levitch and President of the U.S. - GERALD FORD.  Who do you think killed Harry Manka?

C.J. was horrified when I told him I wouldn't be able to come to the house later to be with the family because my band - King Khan - was getting ready for a very important gig at the Starlite Room in North Hollywood.  Plus, later that night I had tickets for Jefferson Starship at the Forum.  Being the son of a movie mogul, I always got backstage passes and nothing was going to stop me from using them.

The next day - August 6, 1976 - as per my father's will, I was named Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. Studios.  I did not want this job.  I wanted to smoke dope and drop acid with my Hollywood friends.  I didn't want to wear shoes and go to an office.  I could feel that my band was really starting to take off.  But C.J. Siegal reasoned with me and said I could immediately sign my own band to the Manka Bros. Records label and record a real album.  This convinced me to take the job.  But after two weeks in that giant office with movie stars and directors begging you to make their movies, I quickly dropped the band and never recorded that album.  I realized being a media mogul is so much cooler than being in a garage band.  No matter how good our version of "Smoke On The Water" was. 

So, here we are, 32 years later, and Manka Bros. is the World's Largest Media Company. 

I'll leave you with one final thought - one of the last things my father ever said to me:  "If you're going to waste your life - go ahead and kill yourself.  I'll even give you the pills or the gun to do it!" - Harry Manka (1883-1976)

Good morning.  Saturday night, during my monthly poker game with Jeff Berg, Mark Canton, Mike Gravel and Dawn Ostroff, someone asked me how Manka Bros. plans to make money on short-form content.  I am so fucking sick of this question.  Ever since I made the announcement last week that we would be spending $1 billion on short-form content, I have received thousands of emails from rival studio bosses (i.e. Ron Meyer), Wall Street analysts (i.e., Jessica Reif Cohen), Manka Bros. shareholders (i.e., Carl Icahn) and Manka Bros. employees (i.e., Cyrus Weinsein).

Alright, sure, we don't have a 'business model' or a precedent in this area and the only online series we've attempted has been Forensics and that was already a hit on our MBS Television Network - so that's not really 'original'.

I have a very simple answer this annoying question.  The answer is:

BANNER ADVERTISING!

These things are great.  You put an ad at the top or bottom or side or in the videos and people click on them, purchase the products and this supports our business.  Banner advertising is the single most brilliant invention since the internet itself.

Manka Bros. wins.

The Advertisers win.

America wins.

Any more stupid questions?  As for the poker game, I definitely got back my campaign contribution from Gravel.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  This morning is much better than yesterday.  Bulgarian Prime Minister Sergey Stanishev finally left my house and we had the carpets and furniture steam cleaned. 

Last night, my friends David Geffen, Bob Iger, Hollywood super agent Ariel Emanuel and Wolfgang Puck came over to visit me.  They had read about my horrible night with the Prime Minister and wanted to cheer me up.  David even brought me some better pain medication than the doctor prescribed - good man!  Anyway, over cocktails and duck sausages (courtesy of Chef Puck), I mentioned that today (August 1st, 2008) I would have a huge announcement that would change the face of entertainment forever.  Well, this is it. 

MANKA BROS. IS GOING TO SPEND $1 BILLION (OVER THE NEXT YEAR OR SO) ON SHORT-FORM INTERNET CONTENT.  This is an amazing opportunity for our company and a big roll of the dice.  Every other studio seems to be doing it (not that that is why I do anything) and it's time for Manka Bros. to jump into this space with two feet.

My guests all started buzzing and I could tell they were beginning to understand the huge possibilities of the internet.  I wouldn't be surprised if Bob Iger ran back to Disney last night and started to work on an internet strategy for his company.  So it was a good night.

Plus, we've already had some considerable success in this space (i.e., our Award-Winning short Scoiattolo che mangia aranchio (Squirrel Eating Orange) and our original online series Forensics (based on the successful MBS series of the same name).

I'm sure many of my operational execs at Manka Bros. are reading this and wondering where the money will come from and, most important, who gets to spend it.  Ethan Rubidoux is the current President of the Manka Bros. Digital Distribution group - but there is no way I am giving that weirdo $1 billion to spend on little cartoons and short movies.  Myself and Lloyd Grohl will control the fund and spend it only on the best projects.  So get those pitches ready! 

We will either raise the money from one of our existing banks or just spend it from the cash we have on hand.  Those are details for David Chang to work out.  I'm just here to make the announcement.  So get ready for a bunch of fruit and muffin baskets arriving from over-zealous agencies.

And, don't worry, this will not affect our core businesses.  We will still be producing more movies, television and music than anyone else.  This is a just another new business.  A one billion dollar new business! 

So start thinking 'short' people.  This is a great day for Manka Bros. and a great day for our industry.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

What a nightmare!  Somebody could have told me he was a socialist!  Why the fuck do I pay you people?  You all know how much I dislike socialists.  They make me itch.  And this guy is no socialist let me tell you that right now. 

First of all, he didn't bring shit and didn't share anything with me.  All he did was take take take!  He didn't even bring his own booze and he drinks a lot.  Thank God Slivovitz (a proud sponsor of MBS) sends me a case a month or he would have drank me dry.  This dinner was a complete and total disaster.  And on top of it - I'm hungover and useless today.  I'm going to need a full staff from the studio to come up here and do everything for me.  My leg is killing me.

Let me explain.  First of all, I am a proud Bulgarian-American.  My father (Harry) and uncles (Khan, Sr. and Simeon) immigrated to this country at the turn of the century and our family has lived the American dream for over 100 years - creating the World's Largest Media Company.  Over the years as Americans, we have acquired untold riches and treasure.  But our blood is Bulgarian.  Last night was going to be a great night at my Beverly Hills compound.  I have received many heads of state in the past - but the visit of Bulgarian Prime Minister Sergey Stanishev was particularly exciting for me and I planned accordingly. 

I invited only the best of Hollywood society:  John Cusack, Paul Krassner, Bonnie Hunt, Alice Cooper (who seems to be following me around), Terry Semel, Ashley Wyatt (star of MBS' upcoming show "Severed Fingers"), Marc Shmuger, NHL player Rob Blake, etc. etc.

The only people the Bulgarian Prime Minister brought were a few members of the Bulgarian Women's Choir in their full regalia.  I made a joke to lighten the arrival nerves:  "Hey Prime Minister, 1991 just called the Bulgarian Women's Choir and it wants its flash in the pan back."  John Cusack high-fived me and said "Good one, Khan."  I even repeated the joke in Bulgarian but they just stood there.   That's when the Prime Minister noticed the Slivovitz and that was the end of that.  He, Joey Levitch and Los Angeles councilwoman Wendy Gruel pounded a quick shot and then lined them up for the room. 

Only scant images survive my memory from that point on:

• There was a fist fight between Rob Blake and the Prime Minster over Bulgaria's roll in society in a post-Soviet world.

• Joey Levitch stripped naked and sang a song from the failed Broadway Manka musical "Gulag" because he thought 'that's what you commies wanted to hear.'

• Bonnie Hunt and Mort Zuckerman were trying to convince the Prime Minister to visit Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in France and get a picture of the twins so that they could all split the millions in profits.  When he wouldn't, they started giving him Indian burns until his security stepped in and tasered Bonnie Hunt.
  

• The Bulgarian Women's Choir were throwing up all over my new furniture and one of them got sick all over Nomar Garciaparra. 
  

• For my own behavior, I'm not going to get into it.  Someone else will have to blog about that - but I don't think anyone else remembers last night.
  

It was a complete disaster and most likely the end of U.S./ Bulgarian relations.  The Prime Minister is still crashed out in my jacuzzi with Audrina from something on MTV called "The Hills".  We turned off the heat hours ago.

The real shame is that my cook and housekeeper Ismarelda prepared an amazing traditional Bulgarian feast and we ended up ordering pizza.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  I'd like to give a quick update on the Great Quake of 2008.  From what I understand, Los Angeles is still here.  The only significant damage to the Manka Bros. lot was at the Profits & Participations Bldg. - but we haven't had any profits or participations in years - so who gives a shit, right?

As far as myself, everything here at the Beverly HIlls compound is as well as can be expected.  Barry Diller finally left yesterday afternoon (after draining my last four Coors Lights!).  Ismarelda is cleaning up the mess that we left in the bomb shelter (let's just say the toilet and plumbing were a little lacking).

Today is a busy day at the Khan Manka household.  Tonight, I am receiving a visit from the current Bulgarian prime minister Sergey Stanishev (my family is Bulgarian as you all should know).   Bulgaria must be very proud of what the Mankewitz's have accomplished over the last 100 years.  I should hope he will kiss my ass in the appropriate way.  I will have a full report in the next couple of days.

Get back to work.  I want our next film release, Spinners, to perform better than The Dark Knight.  I am so sick of people calling me asking why our movies don't open with $158 million!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Hello.  This is Khan Manka, Jr. - I am blogging from the bunker under my Beverly Hills compound.  Barry Diller is in here with me and is fine - though I would appreciate if he not start eating my emergency food!  My housekeeper, Ismarelda, said that preliminary reports are that the earthquake was centered near the kitchen of my house and registered a 7.8 in magnitude.  She was very hysterical so that might have factored into her report.

I would appreciate if someone from the studio would give me a clear idea of the damage.  I'm not sure if I have phone coverage so either Ethan Rubidoux or Robin Rafe should come up to my house and tell me how things are.  I would prefer Ethan because I think I need my ass wiped.

We'll get through this, Manka Bros. employees.  I am still in full charge of the studio - so there is nothing to worry about... except our fucking MBS 2008/2009 Fall Schedule!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

... so much so, that he insisted during my weekend stay at his beach hut in Montauk that we all call him Fernando... Fernando Immelt.  You would think that wouldn't really bother me that much.  I mean, I work in the content creation business - fiction and fictional names are our bread and butter.  But this is a very powerful man and there is just something strange about him leading a "salsa jam" on the beach with Mort Zuckerman, Alice Cooper and Meg Whitman.  Very strange indeed.  I'm lucky I have a broken ankle and wasn't even remotely available to join in even after the Mudslides began to flow.

Don't get me wrong.  I was a wild man in my late teens and early 20s.  I was the son of a movie mogul - the great Harry Manka.  I was out of control.  Marlon Brandon and Wally Cox took me under their wing when I was 13 and brought me to all the best Hollywood orgies (Walter Matthau's house was like the freakin' Chicken Ranch).  It was a great time.  A few years later, I went to San Francisco and joined up with my long time friend Paul Krassner and the Merry Pranksters and licked sheets of acid as though they were Bomb Pops (or what we would have called them back then - 'No Bomb Pops, Man'). 

So I am definitely not one to judge my colleague Jeffrey Immelt.  If he wants to be a 'salsa god' (as he called himself more than once), I think he has enough powerful media contacts to pull it off.  I just wish he didn't wear that thong.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.  Jeffrey Immelt, CEO of GE, called me last night and invited me to his little beach hut at Montauk for a long weekend.  Since I was just sitting there hopped up on pain pills waiting for Ethan Rubidoux to come over and wipe my ass - I decided to take him up on his offer.  He told me there were plenty of executives at GE that would be available to wipe my ass in Montauk - so everything should work out just fine.

Anyway, it's really beautiful here.  I love being able to blog on the beach.  Whoever came up with the technology to be able to blog on the beach - I think we should hire that person.

You may all be wondering why Jeffrey Immelt wanted to bring me here (and, no, it wasn't to buy NBC Universal - I told him that was never going to happen - not after that stupid tour guide made fun of me on that tram ride years ago).  He said there was no reason - he just wanted my friendship.  We'll see.  I'm not sure everything is on the level here - but as long as the massages and martinis keep coming - I'll stay.  I also understand he's a killer Yahtzee player - so I figure I'll teach him a lesson or two there.

I'm thinking of buying a yacht here so I need a team of people to work over the weekend to prepare a presentation I may give next week at the Montauk Yachting Club.  It's all old money here - so they want a little of the history of our studio as well. 

Ha ha ha... Mort Zuckerman just went by on his boat and mooned everyone on the beach!  He is quite a card!

Anyway, I'll need this presentation no later than Sunday evening so I need to see a draft Saturday night.

Regards,
Khan Manka, Jr.
Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning,

I just wanted all the Manka Bros. employees around the world to know that last night I officially rejected an offer from Yahoo! in which we would have basically taken over their search business in exchange for a piece of our upcoming Broadway musical Rampage Of The Stegosaur.  Jerry Yang called me late last night after my massage and pretty much begged me to take it off his hands and added 'please don't make me sign a deal with those mother fuckers at Microsoft'. 

I told him to stop acting like a little bitch baby and do the stupid Microsoft deal.  He then started to cry - really hard - sobbing and sniffling.  It was a pathetic display by a very weak man.  It was all very similar to the way King Abdullah of Jordan acted when I wouldn't do business with him. 

After he calmed down a bit, I gently told him that we just couldn't part with any piece of Rampage Of The Stegosaur.  It is going to be an enormous hit and we're keeping 100% of the profits on that one, thank you very much.  Plus, I said, Yahoo! is a - how should I put this - confused company at the moment and lacking the razor sharp focus that it had when my friends Terry Semel and Jeff Weiner were there.  That really sent him over the edge.  More sobbing, threats of suicide, etc. 

At this point it was 2:00 in the morning and I really wanted to get off the phone because that Time-Life 1970s Soft Rock infomercial hosted by Air Supply was just starting and I always wanted to see it.

So I told Jerry Yang to leave me alone and hung up.  We'll have to see how it all pans out for his company - but it doesn't look good.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company