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Khan Manka, Jr. - The Chairman's Blog: September 2009 Archives

September 2009 Archives

Jeffrey_Katzenberg.jpgGood morning.  My old friend Jeff Katzenberg (CEO of DreamWorks Animation) called me last night from The Frolic Room on Hollywood Blvd. and asked if I could come down and meet him.  He was pounding a few shots with his senior management team and got the urge to call me. 

Jeff Katzenberg and I go way back to the 1970s when we used to follow The Grateful Dead.  He actually followed Seals & Crofts for a few years until I turned him onto The Dead.  He ended up logging more Dead shows than I did (and I went to 182 over a 20 year span).

He picked a good time to call.  I wasn't really doing anything last night except watching the Dodgers choke (again) with Haim Saban[NOTE TO FRANK MCCOURT AND THE DODGERS:  Please clinch tonight or I will sell my Suite next year!] 

I left Haim's fortress and had my driver, Alicia, take me down to The Frolic Room.  I just love that old bar.  Such a great mix of high class clientele:  Starlets, studio executives, fashion designers - basically all the beautiful and powerful people converging every night in that tiny space on Hollywood Blvd.

When I walked into the bar, I spotted Jeff standing by the juke box.  Sugar Magnolia was playing.  He was screaming at some poor college guy - telling him he completely missed the hidden meaning and Satanic signs that were built into Kung Fu Panda.  That poor guy actually believed that the movie was made for kids and families.  What a schmuck.  If he only knew the dark side of Jeffrey Katzenberg like I do... Jeff spotted me and gave me a hug.

Jeff_Katzenberg_bee-movie.jpgJK:  Khannie, you son of a bitch!  You made it!

We asked about each other's children and a few other formalities.  He ordered shots of Slivovitz for the entire bar and kept a bottle for the two of us.  We sat and drank.  I knew why he brought me there.

KM:  So... you want to sell me your company, right?

JK:  Khan, what the fuck?!  Can't you wait until Sugar Magnolia is over?  Touch of Grey is coming up after.

KM:  I love that you're holding onto those old days.  Those were good times.

JK:  The fucking best!  Did you know I went to over 200 shows?!

He did another shot.  The song ended.  Jeff turned serious.

JK:  Khan, I want to sell you my company.  DreamWorks Animation is the crown jewel of available acquisitions in this town.  Every studio wants us - but I'm giving you first shot.

KM:  How much?

JK:  Pixar sold to Disney for $8 billion and they only had eight movies.  We've had 19 movies... so I figure $19 billion.  But we also have a bunch in development - so let just make it an even $25 billion.

We both did another shot.

KM:  Cash?

JK:  I sure the fuck don't want your company stock.  Manka Bros. has been in the pisser for decades.

KM:  You sure know how to charm a guy.  Tell ya what... I'll give you $500 million - cash.  Final offer.

jeffrey_katzenberg_shrek.jpgIt's a bit of blur what happened after that. 

Apparently, Jeff had hired a few WWE goons as part of his senior management team.  They proceeded to hold me down and the kick the ever living shit out of me.  They keyed heavily on my groin.

I sort of remember the owner of The Frolic Room coming out and saying he didn't want any trouble in his bar. 

Thank God for my driver Alicia who earned her salary last night.  Somehow she got me out of there.

I woke up this morning in my own bed - with my own doctor at my side telling me everything would be okay.  Because of the Oxycotin, I'm able to work today. 

In my office this morning, I received a gift certificate to Benihana from Jeffrey Katzenberg.  A note read:  "No hard feelings.  Sorry about your balls." 

Before Universal or Fox or Warner Bros. or Paramount or Sony or anyone entertains the thought of buying DreamWorks Animation, you should be warned... if your price is too low, they will physically harm you.

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

The Curse Of The Mogul

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The_Curse_Of_The_Mogul.jpgGood afternoon.

Someone immediately get me an advance copy of "The Curse Of The Mogul:  What's Wrong With The World's Leading Media Companies" by Jonathan A. Knee, Bruce C. Greenwald and Ava Seave.  I want to see what those assholes esteemed writers have to say about me. 

Mr. Knee, Mr. Greenwald and Ms. Seave should be very careful what they say about us moguls.  We have very long memories and are the ones who own the important publishing companies.

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company
Good morning.  I haven't slept in two days - so I will be brief before the Ambien kicks in.

jeffery_immelt.jpgjeff_zucker.jpgLast night, I had a rather heated discussion with my old friend and competitor Jeff Zucker, President & CEO of NBC Universal and his boss, Jeffrey Immelt, Chairman & CEO of  GE (who is one hell of a salsa dancer!).  I've never seen a couple of guys try to unload such a troubled company for such a high price.  $40 - $50 BILLION?!!  You've fucking got to be kidding.  And that's for 80%!! 

Don't tell anyone... but I have a feeling they were kidding and will end up having to settle for around $20 billion for their piece (thank you Jay Leno - last night's ratings 4.5/8) - putting an overall valuation at $25 billion (including Vivendi's slice).

After a lot of Slivovitz, many tears, several false accusations about whether a certain woman was a prostitute or not, I had to walk away.  While the idea of owning a once mighty network and studio has a certain appeal, I feel Manka Bros. is already the most complete, largest and perfectly aligned of all the major media conglomerates.  A big acquisition will only muddle our content and distribution efforts and result in too much chaos in the near-term.

Now, should they lowered their price to, say, $50 million bucks cash... I will take that call.  But for now, no thank you Jeff and Jeffrey.

Good luck with Time WarnerJeff Bewkes is awaiting your visit (be sure to have hat in hand).

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company
khan_manka_parking_spot.jpgWhat I mean to say is... WHO - THE FUCK - IS IN MY PARKING SPOT?!!! 

I have notified my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry, to have this car crushed into a cube and thrown in the Pacific Ocean! 

The owner of this piece of shit Toyota Tercel will be tracked down, fired and thrown into jail!

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios
emmy_awards_2009.jpgGood morning.  I have chosen not to write about my disastrous experience at last night's Emmy Awards.  Let's just say the seating given to Manka Bros. senior executives was an embarrassment and someone should and will lose their jobs.  WE WERE FUCKING SITTING BEHIND THE LITTLE DORRIT PEOPLE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! 

If I had chosen to leave that place in protest, I know my friends Bob Iger, Jeff Zucker, Rupert Murdoch, Sumner Redstone, Les Moonves, etc. etc. would have followed me in solidarity.  I would have sucked all the power out of that room - and where would your little show have been then, huh?  Don't forget, TV Academy, we made you and we can destroy you!

But I'm not going to talk about that.  Or the fact that Manka Bros. for the eighth consecutive year had no Primetime Emmy Nominations.  Did you assholes even look at the Severed Fingers tape we sent?!!

dickcook.jpgBut enough of that. 

Today, I would like to offer to my great friend Dick Cook a job at Manka Bros.  This would be quite a step up from his former position at Disney - though I'm not exactly sure in what capacity he would serve - most likely somewhere within the Theatrical Group.  Maybe even as President of the Manka Bros. Theatrical Group (especially since Robin Rafe is such a failure at that job).

One thing I know, he won't have to go back to operating rides.  Unless he wants to.  I noticed on our Job Board that the Manka Fun Park in Mexico City needs highly-qualified ride operators.  But he probably wants to stay in Los Angeles and work in film.

Whatever he wants, there is a place for him at Manka Bros.  I don't throw my friends under the bus like my great friend Bob Iger.  He has made a great mistake.

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Josh_Olson.jpgGood morning.  Last night, I received an urgent call from Robin Rafe - President of the Manka Bros. Theatrical Group.  She was at The Smokehouse meeting with Josh Olson.  The only reason I would be called to an emergency meeting with some writer is if the proposed deal is eight figures (it's very very very rare that I get a call).

From what I understand, Josh Olson is the Nobel Prize-winning screenwriter of A History of Violence (among other things).  He is currently famous for a blog he wrote titled "I Will Not Read Your Fucking Script".  I don't know this blog but I couldn't agree more.  I haven't read a screenplay since being forced at gunpoint by Joe Eszterhas to read his spec script Sacred Cows (sucked) in 1992. 

I was hoping to receive the coverage on Mr. Olson's blog before the meeting, but there was no time (according to Robin Rafe) - we had to act fast.

My assistant, Vicky, called me on the ride over and said the basic premise of the blog was that non-professional writers should NOT seek help from professional writers because, in almost all scenarios, it will end badly.  Much like an amateur brain surgeon shouldn't seek help from a  professional brain surgeon. 

If this is true, I'm all for it. 

Ever since I took over as Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. (in 1976), the industry has been inundated with young writers and actors with no credits or experience trying to get jobs.  Frankly, it's just pathetic.  I think I speak for my fellow moguls when I say - WE WOULD PREFER TO HIRE OUR FRIENDS AND PEOPLE WE HAVE WORKED WITH BEFORE... WITHOUT EXCEPTION. 

I went to my normal booth at The Smokehouse and had Robin and Josh move over to me.  He seemed to be a very nice fellow.  Very excited about his recent fame as an internet blogger and was anxious to cash in.  His enthusiasm was infectious.

fucking_t_shirt.jpgfucking_cpr_t_shirt.jpgWhat we proposed was to create a franchise brand around "I Will Not Fucking _____".    The franchise would include a series of feature films (the story we came up with was basically a superhero who won't help anyone); a television series developed for MBS; a video game; and consumer products (imagine T-shirts with "I Will Not Read Your Fucking Script" or "I Will Not Give You Fucking CPR").

As the Slivovitz and cheese toast worked their magic, we became wildly excited about all the possibilities.  This was going to be a Harry Potter-type franchise and Manka Bros. was going to OWN IT!

But then Mr. Olson make a tragic mistake.  He said, "While I have you here, Khan, I have just one other idea I want to run past you."

"Yes?", I said, still excited.

"It's called Polecats."


"PolecatsIt's a spec script I wrote about ordinary house cats who compete in the Iditarod."

"You're pitching me a fucking spec script?!?    Do you know who you're talking to, asshole?  I'm Khan Fucking Manka!  I WILL NOT READ YOUR FUCKING SCRIPT!"

The blood drained from Robin Rafe's face as she knew this deal was dead. 

I left The Smokehouse.  I don't know what the hell they did the rest of the night.  And I really don't care.

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company
richard_fuld.jpgFirst of all, let me just say, Dick Fuld is a pretty intense guy.  I don't see him that often (out of a certain fear for my safety) but, because of our history, I love that guy like a brother.

This morning, Dick called me out of the blue and asked if I wanted to play tennis at The Riviera Country Club

"Is that the club that doesn't take Jews?" 

"No, that's The Los Angeles Country Club," he said.  "And I think they take Jews now.  Spielberg's a member, I think."

Now I hadn't played any tennis since my near-catastrophic ankle injury of a year ago (when I went to visit that schmuck Steve Jobs) - but I told him I would go.  A friendly game of tennis sounded like a nice way to start off the week.  I had not seen him since all his trouble began and I wanted to offer my support and see how he was doing (even though I lost a shit-load of money).

His driver picked me up and drove us to the Club.  He was watching CNBC in the car and swearing at the Street Sweetie Erin Burnett.  "She doesn't know shit about what I've gone through!"  He appeared very tan and extremely well rested. 

"What's going on, Dick?", I asked. 

"Khan, can you believe it's been a year since Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy?" 

"No shit.  A year sure goes by fast." 

Bellini_2.jpg"Not really."  He turned back to the television and asked if I wanted a Mimosa or a Bellini?  I chose Bellini.

"What have you been doing for the past year, Dick?"

"Playing a lot of tennis.  Since I left Lehman, I've had some time to really think about what I want to do next.  The next chapter in the Story of Fuld."

"And what do you want to do next?"

"I think... I just want to play tennis."

I nodded and drank my Bellini.  It was very nice - straight out of Harry's Bar.

We arrived at the club slightly smashed.  I won't go into details about the actual tennis match.  But I will say he destroyed me in three straight sets:  6-0, 6-0, 6-0.  There was only one game that I scored a point.  He hit the ball into the net on a serve that I managed to get in the lines.  I watched in semi-horror as he destroyed his racket over the net post and then threw the remains at my head. 

"Fuck you, Khan!", he said.

Good old, Dick.  He never changes.  I wish him well.

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios 

Good morning.  I'm back from the Seychelles.  I am very jet-lagged so I may not make it the full day at the office.  Please remove Lee Ann Womack's parking space on the lot.  She is no longer a friend of Manka Bros.  I wish her well in whatever the fuck she chooses to do next.

Moving on. 

my_wife_left_me_for_bucky_dent_title_card_400.jpgTonight is the season premiere of MBS' "Hah-Full Night of Comedy".  I am reminded of this by the airplane that is circling over the studio pulling a banner announcing this fact.  Does anyone in TV marketing realize that 'Hah-Full' sounds like 'Awful'?  I seriously just want to kill each and every one of you!

[As a side note, can someone please find out how much this airplane cost to rent?  And why the fuck would it be circling the studio when we should already know when our freakin' shows are going to be on the air.  Make the plane circle around Pacoima where they don't know shit!  Jesus Christ!]

I haven't seen all of the shows premiering tonight but My Wife Left Me For Bucky Dent isn't too bad.  A few people may chuckle at that one (in a "Yes, Dear" kind of way).  Other than that, it's a pretty weak fall lineup... again (not weak like The CW, but still f-ing weak).

If you want to keep your jobs, every employee of Manka Bros. must watch these shows tonight... AND buy the sponsors' great products.  That OxiClean really gets the stains out!

Personally, I'll be at a "Glee" viewing party at Ryan Murphy's house.  [Note to Jay McBee:  Please sign Ryan Murphy to a long-term deal at Manka Bros.  We need to get some actual talent putting together shows for us.]

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

About Khan Manka, Jr.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. StudiosKhan Manka, Jr. assumed the title of Chairman of the Board of Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company - following his father Harry Manka's death in 1976. Before that he was the member of several Southern California rock bands.

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