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Khan Manka, Jr. - The Chairman's Blog: October 2009 Archives

October 2009 Archives


Good morning.  The world "mogul" has been dragged through the mud quite a bit lately - from idiot writers who put out lie-filled books like The Curse of the Mogul and Moguls and Dictators - to asshole Wall Street analysts who have no fucking idea how to read an earnings report.  If you were only to listen to them, you would think all moguls are clueless morons with no idea what is happening in the world (only Sumer Redstone and Jeff Zucker fit that bill).

In the old days, there was really only one clueless moron mogul - my Uncle Simeon

I noticed on today's This Date In Manka History (October 23, 1958) that 51 years ago today, my Uncle Simeon died.  The next day, October 24, 1958, his body was flown back his birthplace (Yambol, Bulgaria) for burial.  My father, Harry, did not attend nor did he talk to Simeon during the last five years of his life.

Uncle Simeon's story is a tragic Hollywood tale of weakness and insanity.  He died on October 23, 1958 on Hollywood Boulevard wearing only a sandwich board advertisement for "Benny's World Of Beef".  I have never heard of Benny's World Of Beef so obviously he didn't do a very good job promoting it.  Perhaps he wasn't promoting it at all and simply wore the sign because he had no other clothes. 

simeon mankewitz_grave.jpg

From what I understand from my father, Simeon went insane around the turn of the 20th century.  He would have been 18 at the time.  That means he was insane for 58 years.  All I remember about him when I was a kid is that he used to bang into stuff. 

His only real job was dubbing Manka Bros.' films into Bulgarian - doing all of the voices himself (it was very small market for us).  He urinated on everything at the studio - marking his territory I suppose.  He would urinate on movie sets, on movie stars, the food in the cafeteria... everything.  He must have constantly been hydrating.

But I digress... this is not a day to piss (excuse the pun) on his grave.  This is a day to remember one of the founding brothers of this great company - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company.

He was the only Manka brother to be buried in his homeland of Bulgaria.  My other uncle (the great Khan Manka [Sr.]) wanted to be buried next to Napoleon (he wasn't - Forrest Lawn actually); and my father Harry was buried under his old office (currently my office) here on the Manka Bros. Studio lot (Main Administration Bldg. 2).

So Manka Bros. employees, take a moment to remember your company's history and then get back to fucking work - we're having a terrible year!


Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning. 

I just received word from our media research department that, based on size, Manka Bros. Studios remains the World's Largest Media Company for the 23rd straight year even after last quarter's very disappointing earnings report (and party) in which our Theatrical Group didn't have one movie that worked; our Television Group hasn't had one break-out show on MBS; our Music Group only had one release that received any attention (Seamus' He's Not Comin' Home); and our Publishing Group believes Gay Moroccan Poetry is the answer to our problems!

worlds_largest_chart_2009.jpgThe "world's largest" status is obviously not a result of our employees' performance at their jobs - because you don't become number one by sucking.  No... it is only a result of my superb leadership during this extremely difficult time.  And I'm tired of carrying you people.  It's time to step it up!  

If things don't improve going forward, I will not hesitate to institute another cost-cutting program that will not be as kind as the last one.

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

P.S. - Manka Bros. will announce 3rd Quarter 2009 earnings on October 29.
Camel_Turkish_Gold.jpgGood afternoon. 

As the writer of a wildly popular blog (I only started it to better communicate with my employees at Manka Bros.) and the fact that I am a major figure in the media world, I receive quite a few offers to endorse products.  Most of them shit products like Coke or BMW.

Frankly, there is nothing I would rather do less than endorse someone else's stupid product.  It offends me that anyone thinks they can buy my services for any price.  If you want to hire a whore, call Jay McBee (President of the Manka Bros. Television Group) or Michael Eisner

So when the good people of Camel called my office to see if I wanted to push their Turkish Gold cigarettes on my blog, I was completely offended and told them to get the fuck off my phone! 

Who the hell do they think they are?  I'm Khan Fucking Manka!  I don't push YOUR products - you push MINE!  Assholes!  

I don't need to be paid a boatload of money by some greedy corporation to express my love for Camel Turkish Gold cigarettes. 

Seriously, each drag of a Camel Turkish Gold cigarette is super smooth - silky almost.  Like an autumn breeze in Instanbul.  It's the only cigarette I would ever smoke.

Camel Turkish Gold - "Breathe In The Turkish!"

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

P.S. Camel Turkish Gold is the sole sponsor of Forensics on MBS.

michael_eisner_presentation.jpgGood afternoon.  Over the past few days, Michael Eisner's lawyers have attempted to put a muzzle on me.  Apparently, M.E. didn't like the idea of me blogging about our Duck Hunting trip last week and wanted to try and stop me from putting up a part two.  Some of the top lawyers in Hollywood have been fighting and I'm completely fed up with it.  I'm just going blog and don't give a shit what the repercussions may be.

As I was saying last week, Michael Eisner picked me up in his military-style helicopter and took me duck hunting.  I had never been duck hunting before and I don't scare easily, but when I climbed into that Duck Blind with M.E. and saw the crazed look in his eyes, I was afraid. 

As he started to load his 12-gauge shotgun with shells, he looked up:

M.E.:  It gets a lot darker at night for me than anyone else in the world.  I'm going to leave my head to science so they can try to figure out what the hell was going on inside my brain.

We sat in silence for about five minutes.  Someone had already loaded a gun for me and I had it across my lap, not quite sure what to do with it.  M.E. fluttered his eyes a bit as he blew softly into an ominous sounding duck call that echoed over the lake.

KM:  So... what do we do?  Sit here and wait for the ducks and then try to shoot them?

M.E.:  Waiting for the ducks.  Ha, that's the problem with Manka Bros.  You're always waiting for the ducks. 

KM:  What the fuck does that mean?  I run the biggest media company in the world and you're telling me what's wrong with my company?  What do you got?  Baseball cards?

Suddenly, M.E. leaped to his feet, swinging the gun up.


He blasted two quick SHOTS.  There were two quick duck HONKS.  And then two quick SPLASHES.

katzenberg_the_dog.jpgM.E:  Katzenberg!  Ducks!

His dog, Katzenberg, leaped out of the blind and swam toward the killed ducks.  Katzenberg gathered them in his mouth and swam back to the blind.

M.E.:  Good dog.  Pretty slow on the trigger there, Khan.

KM:  You don't mind if I just sit here, do you?  I really don't want to shoot at ducks.  My life is interesting enough.

M.E.'s eyes darted back and forth, not sure whether to shoot me or let it go.  We momentarily returned to small talk, asking about each other's families and our health, etc.  M.E. shot eight more ducks.  Katzenberg fished them out of the pond.  Finally, M.E. got around to the point he wanted to make.

M.E.:  The future of television is fucked. 

KM:  In its current form, yes, I would say it is challenged.

M.E.:  In any form.  It's over.  Spending additional dollars on a declining asset is what dumb asses do.

severed_fingers_chairman_blog.jpgKM:  There's still an audience.  You gotta put something on the air.  Severed Fingers is profitable just from International sales.  Why quit a business that's profitable?

M.E.:  Why don't you sell typewriters or bulk up on VHS cassettes or dial-up modems?  Plenty of people still need those things and you'll make a profit since it means so fucking much to you.  Whoop-tee-fuckin-do!

His eyes were starting to roll back into his head.  I knew I had to get out of there.  I had no idea where I was but I did have my Blackberry and was able to send a PING to my assistant, Vicky.  Once she receives my distress call I am normally picked up within the hour no matter where I am in the world.

KM:  Then, tell me Michael, where do you think media is headed?  Online?  Cell phones?  You know, Manka Bros. is spending $1 billion on short-form internet-only content.

M.E.:  I will shoot you dead if you mention the "I" word again.  The Internet is over.  My online series "Prom Queen" hit at the peak of that fad.  No no... the future is right here. 

KM:  What do you mean?  A couple of guys talking by a pond with a loaded gun in their hands?

M.E.:  That's part of it.  Human interaction is the future.  It's real.  Something you can't slap a banner ad next to and call it "paid content".  It's just you, me and the meat that we kill and eat.  I'm going "into the wild".

He seemed sincere.  He looked tired.   Frankly, he looked done.

M.E.:  You may go, Khan.  If you tell anyone about this conversation, I will hunt you down and slaughter you like a mountain goat.

Michael Eisner's chopper took me away and I was back in Los Angeles in time to watch the suck-ass Dodgers lose.  Mariska Hargitay was the only guest allowed in the Manka Bros. Suite at Dodgers Stadium.

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

P.S. - Do not fret, Manka Bros. will still be producing high-quality television content long after Michael Eisner freezes to death in a bus outside of Fairbanks, Alaska.

michael_eisner.jpgGood afternoon.  I have just returned safely from one of the weirdest fucked up days I've had in a long time (and I've had quite a few fucked up days lately). 

On Monday night, I received a call from my old pal and competitor Michael Eisner (M.E.) who, as you know, used to be the Chairman & CEO of Disney before (as he says it) "being released into the wild by the Board of Directors to fend for himself".  M.E. wanted to pick me up at 3:00 a.m. by helicopter and take me to one of the private duck hunting ponds he owns in northern California to do some hunting and talk about The Future of Television.

I explained that normally I would jump at that opportunity (I had never been duck hunting in my life) but I had Sumner Redstone staying at my house and he was not in the best emotional state (because he's almost broke). 

After a few moments of back-and-forth negotiations with M.E., it was settled that I would be picked up at 2:00 a.m. and I was to turn Sumner Redstone out into the street.  (Michael Eisner is a master negotiator.)

At 2:00 a.m., M.E. arrived right on time, his massive military-style helicopter landing on my Great Lawn.  The fucker didn't seem to care that I had recently had a million dollar landscaping job completed.

He was dressed in combat fatigues with his face painted green and brown and brandishing two 12-gauge shotguns.  I was dressed in gym shorts, t-shirt and tennis shoes.  I wasn't aware there was a costume for duck hunting.

M.E.:  Are you fucking kidding me, Khan?  Seriously, what the fuck is your problem?  What are you wearing?  Do you have your own gun or do you need to rent one from me? 

I explained that I have never been duck hunting and didn't realize there were special clothes.

M.E.:  To kill a duck, you have to think like a duck.  Capisce? 

I wouldn't think a duck would want to wear those clothes or that make-up.  But I played along and found an old Army General's uniform that my dad (Harry Manka) used to wear around the Manka Bros. studio lot to intimate talent.  I put that on and smeared my face with camouflage make-up that M.E. had with him.  I would have to rent a duck-shooting-gun from M.E. as the only weapons in my house were controlled by my security team.

michael_eisners_helicopter.jpgFlying low over the southern California mountains, M.E. leaned out of the chopper observing the pre-dawn movements of the San Fernando Valley like he was in the jungles of Vietnam.  He held this position and didn't speak for the approximate two hour flight to a remote area south of Sacramento.

Suddenly, through a mist, a giant pond appeared with large reeds sprouting out of it.  M.E. looked up and gave me a wink.

M.E.:  (pointing down) Quack-gri-la - we're home.

The chopper landed and several very serious handlers came out to greet us - all dressed in military fatigues and wearing ridiculous duck-shooting hats with ear flaps.

M.E.:  I'm going to take a couple of minutes to let my balls stop vibrating, then I'll meet you in "the blind".

Apparently, he meant "duck blind"... and I didn't know what that was - but I was soon to find out. 

And I was soon to get into a very interesting discussion on The Future of Television (which was quite different from my discussion on The Future of Media with Bob Iger - M.E.'s successor at Disney). 

But now, I'm worn out.  So I'll get into all that tomorrow.

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

sumner_redstone.jpgEver since he announced his divorce from Paula Fortunato a few months ago, Sumner Redstone has been at staying on and off at my house.  Every night, he wants to go out and "party at Trader Vic's".  And every night, I tell him that Trader Vic's closed a couple of years ago.  Sumner is 85 years old and doesn't take no for an answer.  So last night, once again, we went to "Trader Vic's" to "party" (we actually went to LAX - a very sweaty club in Hollywood).

Even though Sumner and myself are two of the most powerful people in entertainment, we sometimes aren't immediately recognized in public.  So I asked my driver (and former child star) Leif Garrett to call ahead and make sure we would be given the proper respect at the door.  He must have said the right things because when we arrived at the club, there was a gaggle of drunken girls in their 20s waiting for us. 

Sumner slammed a shot of Slivovitz and jumped out of the limo before it had come to a complete stop.  He rolled awkwardly onto the pavement but hopped right back up and moved as fast as he could to the young girls like some perverted Grandpa. 

I would have preferred to stay in the car getting drunk with Leif Garrett and watch the Phillies/Rockies game - or go over to Mariska Hargitay's house and watch whatever-it-is horrible show that she does... but here I was at LAX with Sumner Redstone looking pathetic as we tried to keep up with these dumb young girls.

tila-tequila.jpgOnce inside, Sumner was completely out of control.  I found him huddled at a back corner table making out with Tila Tequila.  To actually see that in person is as disturbing as it sounds. 

Audrina_003.jpgAudrina (who I later found out was an actress on an MTV show - The Hills) and Cate Blanchett were at the same table in the middle of a very animated conversation about Jacobean comedy

I figured my only option at this point was to get as drunk as possible.  Which I did. 

Audrina is actually a very nice person and the most intelligent woman I have ever met.  She told me that she was such a consummate actor that she had her teeth overly whitened for the part of "Audrina" and actually has very brown smokers teeth underneath with several gaps.  It didn't matter to me.  I liked her!  We talked about her favorite Manka Bros. Films - she has very good taste.  She later left with her boyfriend - some MIT grad student in molecular biology.  Nice kid.

I could go on and on about last night - but it's just too sad.  The low point of the evening came when Tila Tequila was told the old dude she was making out with was Sumner Redstone - the Chairman & CEO of Viacom (her show is on MTV which is owned by Viacom).  She SLAPPED him across the face and starting screaming, "You son of a bitch!  My stock options are under water because of you!  You owe me money!"  Sumner said something along of the lines of "Stand in line, sweetheart."   I'm not sure who she thought he was but it was all very bizarre.  Sumner then tried to hit on Cate Blanchett - but that was a non-starter.

I finally got Sumner back to the house.  My cook, Ismaralda got him changed and made him some beef stew.  We spent the rest of the evening watching the Lifetime Movie Network which Sumner said made him feel safe and warm.

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios
columbus.jpg... but that doesn't mean you can leave early.  I know you would all prefer to be celebrating the life of that rapist and opportunist Christopher Columbus by going to parades and picnics, but we really need you at work today.  2009 has been Manka Bros. worst year ever and we either have to turn things around or fire each and every one of you!

So keep making those movies and television shows and resist the urge to leave early. 

Thanks in advance for following my orders.

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios
dodger_stadium_suite.jpgGood morning.  I trust the Dodgers won last night.  They were ahead when I left with Mariska Hargitay after the 4th inning. 

It was great to see everyone (except Jeffrey Katzenberg.  I extended the olive branch but it's going to take more time to patch things up after our disastrous meeting last week). 

[Note to my assistant Vicky Adler-Modry:  You will notice the Johnny Walker Blue is nearly gone.  After incessant bitching by Bob Iger for me to open it, I let the baby have his bottle.  Please replace it for today's game with Johnny Walker Red for Barry Diller.  Also, Sumner Redstone dropped a fully-loaded chili dog on the new carpet.  Have it steam cleaned and send the bill to Viacom.  And, please be aware, Haim Saban thought he was on the list last night (he wasn't) and thinks he's on the list today (he isn't).]

Here is Manka Bros. Dodger Suite Guest List for Game 2 (10/8/09):

I look forward to seeing you all this afternoon.  Go Dodgers!

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

dodger_stadium_suite.jpgGood morning. 

As you all may know, the MLB playoffs start tomorrow night.  Because Manka Bros. has the nicest suite at Dodger Stadium and because I throw the best party, it is always a battle in this town over who is allowed to join me for each game. 

While it is fun to turn down my enemies, this is not a process that I completely enjoy.

So... if your name is not on the list or crossed out it is because (a) there wasn't enough room; (b) you are not a big enough star/executive; or (c) you have fallen out of favor with Manka Bros. and its chief executive (me).

Here is the list for Wednesday night's game (10/7/09):

Tomorrow, I will finalize the list for Thursday night's game.

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

About Khan Manka, Jr.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. StudiosKhan Manka, Jr. assumed the title of Chairman of the Board of Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company - following his father Harry Manka's death in 1976. Before that he was the member of several Southern California rock bands.

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