Seasons Greetings to all Manka Bros. employees!  Or should I say Seasons Sneezings. 

The entire P&P department has been passing around one bug after the other.  My sinuses have been more inflamed than a jihadist at a Baghdad police recruiting station.  My apologies go out to all who witnessed my neti potting over the kitchen sink on Tuesday.  The bathrooms were being cleaned and I just had no choice.  The neti pot is a cruel, cruel mistress. 
 
Cubicle Christmas decoration regulation update from corporate:  Each employee is allowed 1 snowglobe, 2 ornaments and a strand of garland no longer than 4 feet in length.  Demi in accounting was escorted from the building last week for erecting a mini-tree on her desk and hanging mistletoe, causing a long line of junior analysts snaking from her desk to the copy machine, reducing productivity by 31%.  It broke my heart to see her carrying that box of cheer out of the office.  All we have left now is Seamus's new yuletide recording, "Christmas Cuts Tru Da Heart", which plays on a loop over the ceiling speakers.
 
The execs asked me to report the latest tracking figures for our holiday movies being released over the next three weekends.  The marketing department has been working overtime getting the word out about them, despite the Chairman having turned off their water and heat and blocking late night food deliveries until they produced award-winning campaigns. 

This Friday's big budget disaster epic, "Engulfed", depicting the complete destruction of the southern U.S. by giant piranha, has garnered mixed reviews from preview audiences, with the best numbers coming from north of the Mason-Dixon line.  A New Orleans screening resulted in a melee and a movie screen ripped to shreds.  It has a 16 awareness level, with many scoring it either "Hard To Ignore" or "A Must to Avoid". 

Also opening this weekend, Highbrow's "Reconveyance", an unapologetic indie about the sex lives and overindulgence among the employees of a corrupt mortgage lender during the economic meltdown.  It has a 4.5 awareness based on its trailer, with 85% calling it "Irresponsible" or "Reprehensible".
 
December 18th holds the long awaited arrival of the outrageous comedy, "Flaccid Trip", which rates highest among the cast's family members. 

The original bus bench ads and billboards depicting what appeared to be a non-erect penis were pulled after vehement protests from the Family Decency Council, but the controversy has raised the film's awareness level from 20.2 to 23.6.  Thank you FDC! 

Marketing is confident that it will provide excellent counter-programming to "Avatar" and "Nine", going after the largely ignored heterosexual crowd.
 
Christmas Day sees the release of "Earnest", Baz Lurhmann's lavish re-imagining of Oscar Wilde's play "The Importance of Being Earnest", which features the characters of Jack and Algy as 19th Century crime-solvers pursuing the murder of Lady Bracknell.  Lurhmann, ever the perfectionist, insisted that the actors wear only clothing stitched during the Victorian era, and has claimed that the film features "more explosions than any period piece ever made".  Despite a $70 million ad campaign, the movie is tracking at only 14, rating highest among those suffering from shingles.
 
Recently, I was privileged to attend a studio screening of Highbrow's Christmas Day offering, "Haggis and Highlands", an acquisition from the Scottish Film Bureau, from first-time director Kaelen MacPelgy, chronicling the true life struggles of a man who lived his entire life in the wild among a family of Orkney vole. 

Highbrow's execs asked me to attend the screening, accompanying the hot new actress from "Precious", Gabourey Sidibe, whom the boutique indie is courting.  I was hoping to ask Tomoko to go with me, so I had a bad attitude going in. 

We sat in awkward silence before the lights went down, but throughout the movie I occasionally glanced over at her, the flickering images illuminating her slackjawed mouth, her half-mast eyes.  Such effortless, incandescent beauty.  When at a crucial moment in the movie she shouted out, "Oh this is bullshit", she thoroughly captured my heart.  As she snored, I clasped her hand in mine, our palm sweat conjoined as one.  I thought we made a deep connection during that three and a half hour period of time, so I was surprised that she declined my post-screening invitation to Farrell's Ice Cream Parlor to share a zoo with me.  I watched forlornly as she waddled away from me, short of breath, another captivating soulmate slipping through my fingertips.
 
On the drive home, I imagined myself living among a gaggle of forest creatures, decorating a pine tree with Demi's forbidden box of twinkling lights and bulbs.  Perhaps that is where I was meant to be, where I was meant to find my purpose.  I could almost hear the pastoral sound of the animals, chirping, purring, gnawing at my ears and ankles, if not for the honking of the cars behind me on the 101.  I was doing only 25 MPH and had sideswiped a Range Rover.  No bother.  I was in my happy place.
 
"Haggis" is tracking at 3.5, but the producers hope that the bearded man on the poster causes audiences to think of Santa Claus.
 
Happy Holiday neti potting to all!

Kurt Barnet - Reel Suite

Greetings from the Profits and Participations Department!  First off, let me take this opportunity to apologize for heating up my leftover tuna casserole in the microwave oven here on our floor.  I've been informed that's a workplace olfactory no no.  Also, mea culpa to Tomoko:  The booby brush in the elevator this morning was purely accidental.  And FYI - the phones have been repaired and are up and running again.  The technician informed me that the residual high-pitched noise you hear now is extremely unlikely to cause brain damage but may increase the amount of howling from neighborhood dogs.
 
The senior VPs asked me to use this week's blog to inform everyone about our aggressive plan to market Manka Bros. product to audiences via cutting edge technology.  To that end, Chairman & CEO Khan Manka Jr. has promoted Doug Lehan from Digital Animation Lead Illustrator to Chief Technology Officer, effective immediately. 

I spoke with Doug on the phone a short time ago, and here's what he had to say:  "I'm very excited about taking over this post.  The best part is I won't have to spend all day in a motion capture suit.  I have so many ideas about new media platforms and how best to provide the tech-savvy consumer with quality Manka Bros. movies and TV shows.  I plan to work hand-in-hand with the marketing department to achieve this."
 
Lloyd Grohl announced this morning that head of Marketing Craig Sorenson has been replaced with Kevin Griffin from the hot rock band Better Than Ezra, in an effort to reach out to the youth of today. 

In addition, fourteen marketing department employees have been let go, including the radiant and sexy Tania Chimello, who often sat at the table next to mine in the commissary.  I'll never forget the extra glow she had on Tostada Tuesdays.  She was always very excited about Tostada Tuesdays.  She'd make my heart skip a beat every time she'd say to me, "Could you please move a few tables over?" 

This business is brutal on human relationships.  Just when you give your heart to a fellow employee, they are taken away from you, all too soon.  It never gets any easier.
 
I was curious if Doug had a game plan in mind yet:  "Are you kidding?  My cranium spilleth over", he said.  "I'm like a kid in a candy store.  There is so much new laser technology the average person doesn't know about yet.  I mean, we're talking space age stuff.  I'm hoping to promote our new movie "Flaccid Trip" with free screenings at skateparks.  We're gonna project it onto concrete walls from overhead drone projectors that will fly in and hover over the parks.  Hundreds of eager teenagers will be looking to the skies, eagerly anticipating the arrival of our Manka Drones.  We also plan to have an iPhone app that will allow audience members in movie theatres to press a button and release the movie they're watching directly onto DVD - themselves!  So they can watch it again when they get home!  No other studio is doing this kind of thing."
 
How do you sort out artist compensation for all of these myriad platforms? 
 
"Screw the artists!  Just kidding," he remarked.  "Fortunately, the contract artists sign covers existing and not-yet-existing technology.  I'm inventing stuff as we speak.  Refrigerator holograms, rearview mirror projection, exhibition on a special line of 3D Manka sunglasses.  Everywhere the public turns, we'll be there.  We snapped up the domain name BigTitsAndAsses.com, on which we will broadcast exclusive web-only episodes of our TV shows.  Who wouldn't go to that website?  Come for the big tits and asses, stay for outtakes from 'Murder, Moses Lake.'"
 
Well, my mom won't be able to figure out all these new gadgets, but who gives a crap about my mom?  She's not our target demographic.  It's very clear that the world of entertainment will never be the same.  Nor will Tostada Tuesdays...

Reel Suite with Kurt Barnet

As I descended the stairs from the Kodak Theatre balcony Sunday night, I spotted Kunio (Kato) in the lobby, jumping up and down.  I could alternately see his head poking out of the crowd, then his Oscar.  When we met up, he was so elated and speaking Japanese a mile-a-minute.  After shaking hands with countless grey-bearded Academy members, Kunio sighed and announced, "Let's party!!!!"  We high-fived and headed for the exit.
 
First stop:  Governor's Ball.  By the time we got to the entrance, the Fire Marshalls had arrived and determined that the tent was overcrowded and no one else could be let in.  I was heartbroken for Kunio.  His first time at the Oscars, he wins, and he can't go to the Governor's Ball for God's sake!  But he was a total mensch about it.  He smiled and insisted we start hitting the other hot soirees around town.
 
Second stop:  Manka Bros. Annual Academy Award Night fundraiser for Moguls Find Lost Kittens, at the Bellaj Banquet Hall in Burbank.  When we entered, a cover band was playing Kajagoogoo's "Too Shy" and we were immediately surrounded by the drunk guys from the Studio Event Planning department, who were pretty much the only ones there.  I spotted Kyle from Maintenance sitting in a stupor in the corner.  Nadine, the seventy-something front gate guard, was solo grind-dancing in the middle of the dancefloor.  There was no food and Kunio was starving.  After he pounded a shot of Jamesons, one of the marketing guys, Cameron, approached him holding two rescued kitties, which caused Kunio to recoil and convulse.  Through his mangled English, I heard him shout, "Allergic!", so I quickly hustled him out of the hall.  In the car, Kunio's throat mercifully only closed up 30%.
 
Third Stop:  The 2nd Annual Circuit City Feed The Fish fundraiser at The Fifth bar in North Hollywood, to call attention to the plight of famished sea creatures around the globe.  Only shrimp was being served, and Kunio hates shrimp.  "I Feel Good" played over and over again on the jukebox.  Attendees included Lauren Tewes, former Yankee second baseman Chuck Knoblauch, city councilman Tom LaBonge and his lovely wife, singer-songwriter Pete Yorn, and TV's Richard Karn.  Kunio posed for a photo with a toothless barfly named Malcolm, pounded a shot of Jager, then whispered to me that he "didn't dig the vibe", so we headed out.
 
When we were in the car, Kunio got a text message from Konstantin Bronzit urging us to join he and the other Short Film nominees at Avalon, where Prince was about to take the stage.  But Kunio told him he had a more exciting destination in mind.  He suddenly demanded I stop at the Studio City Animal Hospital. 

After he made the staff confirm that there were no cats in the immediate area, he burst through the doors and into the operating room, deftly assisting the Veterinarian in a golden retriever's gall bladder removal.  I watched as he held the gall bladder aloft, a single tear rolling down his face.  It meant more to him than five Academy Awards.
 
He was silent and pensive as we made our way back to my townhouse.  In his bedroom, he reverently placed his Oscar on a shelf right next to a jar containing the gall bladder, then drifted off into a deep, satisfying slumber.
 
Apparently, in the middle of the night, he booty-called Tomoko, then went off and got some.  Hey, Oscar winners gotta get laid.  If they don't, what the hell's the point?

Kurt Barnet

Oscar Sunday.  6 am.  I am awakened by the TV and what sounds like a woodpecker.  In the kitchen, I discover Kunio (Kato) making sushi rolls while watching "Footloose" on Encore.  He asks me if I want a Sushi roll.  I decline, saying I've never had sushi before.  He appears hurt and offended.  I politely eat sushi roll.  Feel queasy and lightheaded for entire day.
 
8 am.  Kunio insists I take him to Swap Meet.  The only one I can find open on a Sunday is in Santa Fe Springs.  He purchases 3 desklamps, tortoise paperweight, laserdisc player and Scott Baio t-shirt.  It takes us 2 and a half hours to get out of parking lot.
 
1 pm.  Tux shop to pick up Kunio's tux.  All they have left is powder blue with ruffle collar shirt.  Kunio falls to his knees and weeps.  I make frantic call to Tomoko who works in my office.  Her brother plays weddings, has black tux and is Kunio's size.  When we go to pick it up, Kunio kisses Tomoko full on the lips.  She doesn't stop him.  They make out for several minutes.
 
3 pm.  Luxury towncar scheduled to arrive to take us to Kodak Theatre.  Shuttle van arrives, containing two other short-film nominees, Steven Okazaki and Konstantin Bronzit.  Driver tells us we need to stop and get Emud Mokhberi and Thierry Marchand.  They and their guests cause overcrowding in van.  Kunio and I are forced to share seatbelt.
 
4:30 pm.  Kodak Theatre.  The van is stopped 1/4 of mile from venue, security tells us we must walk rest of way and use side entrance.  Despite Kunio's guest ticket for me, security does not let me pass, saying I look like gate crasher from last year who is on watchlist.  I spend 45 minutes in cramped supply closet being questioned alongside a sweaty A.R. Rahman.
 
5:15 pm.  After my ID is verified, I am dragged from closet and quickly escorted down backstage hallway.  See Jack Black hitting on redheaded trophy presenter.  Spot Hugh Jackman looking into mirror repeating, "Red leather, yellow leather".  Get dirty looks from Price Waterhouse goons.  Am told by P.A. that seat next to Kunio has been given to Head Seat Filler.  Am relegated to rear balcony.  10 minutes into show, either sushi roll or opening number wreak havoc on my digestive system.  Spend rest of show in upper bathroom.
 
6:51 pm.  Bathroom.  4 young "Slumdog Millionaire" cast members barricade weaker cast member in stall next to mine to prevent him from meeting Will Smith.  Moments later, he crawls out.
 
7:23 pm.  Bathroom.  Overhear Harvey Weinstein talking to assistant about how much he'd like to bone Kate Ledger.
 
7:46 pm.  Bathroom.  Person whom I identify as Cleve Jones takes wide stance in stall next to mine.  There is tapping.
 
8:15 pm.  I emerge from bathroom to discover that Kunio won Oscar for Best Animated Short.  Get so excited, have to return to bathroom.
 
Next Reel Suite Entry:  Kunio and the after-parties!