Author (#1)July 2008 Archives

Hello out there.  My name is Carl Yang, Junior VP in the Foreign Acquisitions department here at Manka Bros.  Kurt asked me to write this week's blog, as he is too shaken up by the earthquake that struck the studio today and severely damaged his office. 

FYI - I was told that our Chino Hills-based archive facility sustained serious damage as well.  As you know, we no longer have possession of the negatives for most of our classic films.  The best copies we have are on VHS and Beta tapes stored in the Chino Hills shed.  Stu Mitchell, who runs security out there, reports that a pipe burst during the quake and most of the tapes are now smashed and submersed in water.  Stu was doing his best to piece together a VHS copy of 1940's Dr. Tindor's Amazing Bloont Of Fazur.  I'll update you as more information comes in.
 
Kurt thought it would be great for me to blog about my experiences this past weekend at Comic-Con.  Andrew Moulder from Mankanimation, Brian Spencer from MB Talent Relations and myself hitched a ride to San Diego aboard Hailstorm Entertainment's "Frostman Van", designed to promote their upcoming superhero TV show "Frostman".  The van was painted to look like an igloo, they served Arctic Margaritas and showed us a preview of the pilot.  Andrew decided to dress as the Manka Bros. animated character Pocket Hercules, which seemed like a foolish choice given the ice-cold conditions in the van.  I've never seen a man's nipples so erect.
 
In Hall H at the Convention Center, we set up the Manka Bros. booth.  Andrew was assigned the task of testing the waters to see if there was fan interest in a Pocket Hercules feature; Brian coordinated a signing area featuring two supporting actors from "Magpies and the Pervasive Evil"; and it was my job to sell territory rights to our recent acquisition of the Hungarian vampire TV series, "Fangs for the Mammaries".  We were thrilled at opening on Friday when conventiongoers swarmed our booth, then disappointed when they all realized we were Manka and not Manga.  Throughout the weekend, I'd say we gave 800 people directions to the Manga booth.
 
Highlights:  Actor Bill Nighy stopped by and told us he was a big fan of the animated teen rock music playing cartoon characters from "Super Draculas".  He said that he and his stage cronies used to get high and watch the show.  Then he wandered off mumbling.
 
A hot chick dressed as Wonder Woman agreed to sit on my lap for 20 minutes.  While she was there, I sold "Fangs" to Egypt, Nairobi and Argentina.
 
Right in front of our booth, Robert Rodriguez and Kevin Smith had a shouting match over which of them was less talented.
 
After our two Magpie actors bailed due to no one knowing who they were, Brian got drunk and threw up on Jabba-the Hut.  Fortunately, no one could see the vomit on the Jabba-the-Hut costume.
 
During a panel on "The Wolf Man", Rick Baker was asked (by Andrew, still in his P.H. regalia) if the special effects would be as good as those employed in the latest "Magpies" movie.  "I've seen advanced footage from 'Pervasive Evil'," he replied.  "There is no comparison."
 
An elderly man came by the booth claiming to be the creator of the 1924 Manka Bros. cartoon character Ollie Ostrich.  He said Manka changed it to Orange Ostrich when color came in, but he didn't authorize that change.  Nor has he been paid a nickel since the '30s.  I told him I don't think we did anything with that character after 1937.  After he threatened legal action, Brian chased him and his nurse away, saying something about "statute of limitations, old man".
 
Results for Manka Bros.:  Andrew came to the conclusion that a Pocket Hercules movie might not be "fiscally wise".  Brian is really good at forging actors autographs on 8x10s.  And since the Egyptian production company that bought "Fangs" signed an iron-clad contract featuring the phrase "maintaining content integrity", Egyptian TV is going to broadcast their very first shots of female cleavage.
 
Quake update:  Stu says "Bloont of Fazur" is a goner, but he might be able to save Sweet Tooth Clifford On The S.S. Ho Ho Ho.

Kurt Barnet

Happy post-Bastille Day!  Sorry it took so long for me to post, but I had writer's blog.  (That joke makes me laugh soooo much).  Actually, it took me this long to digest the experiences I've had for the last 7 days.  I am a transformed man.
 
As I mentioned in my entry from 7/1/08, last week I attended the annual Entertainment Industry Profits & Participations Conference in Virginia City, Montana, home of the Huckleberry Buffalo Meat Pie.  P&P Junior Execs from the U.S. and Winnipeg, Canada gathered for a weeklong dissection of the financial aspects of our industry.  Each night, I made some notes in my journal and I'd like to share them with you now:
 
Day One.  Historic Fairweather Hotel is abuzz with numbers crunchers from all over the country.  Very exciting.  I meet Dave Halliwell from Pantene Productions in Des Moines.  They produce short films and hair care products.  Like Dave very much.  Makes Michael Jackson joke that puts me on floor.  Hoping he'll be my best buddy here.  Go to Community Center for conference.  Keynote speaker is Steve Guttenberg.  Tells us he hasn't seen any backend on TV movie "Meet the Santas" and wonders if we can do anything about that.  Dave produces flask of Malibu Rum and we sneak out.  We hike up Cornucopia and drop large rocks down closed mineshaft.  Cannot hear them hit bottom.  Freaks us out.  I pass out in my twin bed at the Fairweather.  Hear dead Road Agent moaning all night.
 
Day Two.  Attend breakfast panel called "Huge Profits from Internet Streaming", discussing the challenge of concealing massive online revenue from creative teams behind movies & TV shows.  Panelists include Yair Landau from Sony Digital, Martha Wheelock from Ishtar Films, Puck from "Real World" season three, Warren Christopher and Eva Marie Saint.  I go to bathroom.  When I return, Dave has placed whoopee cushion on my chair.  We laugh like little girls.  Get kicked out.  Get hammered on Huckleberry Beer at Pioneer Bar.  Meet cast members from Virginia City Players.  They demand we come see them perform their one-hour rendition of "The Decalogue" followed by old-timey skits.  When they begin to sing Jerry Herman songs, we slink out and take Ghost Walk tour.  Learn about how Road Agents were hanged by "Vigilantes" in 1860's.  In Hangman's Building, feel hand on shoulder.  Look to see no one there.  Pee pants.  Try to call therapist, but no cell reception.  Cower all night in corner of hotel room.
 
Day Three.  Hungover.  Have breakfast at V.C. Cafe with Alli Grover from Random Lake Productions.  She demands I buy glittery ring for her from vintage jewelry shop next door.  I do so.  Feel emasculated, yet empowered.  She sips Bloody Mary and stares at ring, wide-eyed, chanting "Little girl in white dress", freaking me out.  Yet I am bewitched by her.  Dave and I attend panel, "Minimizing Profits: How to Lose Your Shirt While Painting Rosey Picture for Investors".  Producer from "Speed Racer" weeps openly on dais.  Christopher Cross closes with theme from "Arthur".  Dave and I grab Alli and take road trip to Butte.  We go to "Berkeley Pit", most contaminated body of water on planet.  Dave vomits for 20 minutes straight.  We watch in horror as flock of doves lands on surface and disintegrates.  On road back, we swerve to avoid deer, crash into tree and spend night unconscious in Subaru Legacy.
 
Day Four.  Andy Dick moderates panel called "Queer Cinema: Saving the Specialty Divisions".  Andy suddenly licks Harvey Weinstein's face, they fight, a mass brawl ensues.  Junior Execs versus Analysts.  Ruth Vitale puts Todd Solondz in a headlock, pummeling his face.

Dave and I escape, heading over to see show at Brewery Follies.  Sit in front row, get loaded on Gilbert beer.  Performer named Mike, dressed as woman singing "Bitch is Back", straddles me with legs, sticks crotch on my face.  Audience howls.  I am traumatized.  "Carlos of Love" makes eyes at me.  Day has become way too gay.  Later at Pioneer, Alli agrees to hold me and stroke my hair.  Her ring gets stuck.  We are forced to cut it out.  Now have chunk of hair missing.  Local Indian man drives us out to Ruby Dam, takes us on Spirit Quest.  We drop peyote and stare at stars.  Image of Mae Questal appears to me.  She implores me to find good woman and settle down.  She tells me I'm too skinny and to eat more corned beef.  She morphs into most beautiful shooting star I've ever seen.  I am irrevocably altered.
 
Day Five.  Closing day speaker, Steve Guttenberg.  Huckleberry cheese rots on table.  Weinstein throws cell phone through antique window.  Bear hug Dave.  Mets have won nine straight.  I smile as van takes me to airport.  Then stench from Mike's crotch returns.  I grimace.

Kurt Barnet

Happy July, my Blog-a-holics.  I'll be honest with you - it's been a difficult week for me.  I was informed by our HR department here at Manka Bros. that I was in violation of our ethics policy due to my night job as a stripper at Beefcakes in Panorama City.  As a result, I was forced sever ties with the club or lose my position as Junior V.P. in Profits and Participations.  Most unfortunate because I had grown addicted to the joy of disrobing in front of trailer park latinas and expressing myself artistically.  Today, I am but a child whose toy choo choo has been unceremoniously torn from his clutches.  But I perservere.
 

Friday night, I was asked by my superiors to check out an opening night showing of the Pixar film "Wall-E" and take notes about the demographic in attendance.  It was a fascinating experiment.  Despite its G rating, there were mostly adults standing in line with me.  In fact, 70% appeared to be 25 or older.  The people I interviewed said they would see anything Pixar released, even if the characters were talking office products.  They were tired of "Love Guru" and "Zohan" dick and fart jokes and were craving a romance between two synthetic organisms.  Scanning the crowd, I was surprised to see my neighbor Carina emerging from a Chipotle restaurant.  I hadn't seen her since I took her to Cannes and she ran off with Gael Garcia Bernal.  She ran up and gave me a big hug and apologized for the way we left things, saying that Gael turned out to be some OCD freak who would often curl up in the corner of a room and cry for hours on end.  Amazing lover with an enormous penis who made her come more than any other man, but a real nutjob.  I asked her if she wanted to see the movie with me and she accepted.
 
On the way into the theater, we hardly said a word to each other.  No words were necessary.  She and I had something sweetly telepathic going on.  Almost otherwordly.  We both stared in awe as Wall-E and Eve romantically glided through outer space together, leaving a trail of stardust.  Carina turned to me and said, "Awwwwwww...."  When they finally held hands, I reached out and took Carina's hand.  She quickly pulled away, dumping her nachos on my head before sprinting out of the auditorium.  Which I believe in her native Nicaragua is a symbol of growing affection for the opposite sex.  On my way out, I saw her tonguing the popcorn guy, but I think I have her right where I want her.
 
"Wall-E's" $62 million haul and incredible crossover appeal should be a real lesson for Manka's animation development department (A.D.D.)  Our upcoming "Mobsters", about wacky Cosa Nostra lobsters under the sea, may not have the saccharine elements audiences are craving right now.  There's a war on, people!  The economy's in the crapper!  George Carlin is dead!  We need to make animated films about two squeaky metal garbage cans who find love in a magical alleyway, or a postal scale who pines away for a newfangled grocery store produce scale.  I'm just spitballing here!  Think of the millions we'd make opening weekend!  A.D.D.: get to work on it!
 
FYI - next week I will be attending the annual Profits and Participations symposium in Virginia City, Montana.  So my next entry will be on July 15.  Also - I'm thinking of installing a stripper pole in my townhouse and having strip parties.  Manka employees: if I did that, how many of you would attend?  Let's get a dialogue going here!

Kurt Barnet