Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, The Cabin In The Woods, Drew Goddard, Joss Whedon, Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth, Anna Hutchison, Fran Kranz, Jesse Williams, Richard Jenkins, Bradley Whitford, Brian White, Amy Acker, Tim De Zam, Tom Lenk, Dan Payne, Jodelle Ferland, Dan Shea, Maya Massar, Matt Drake, Nels Lennarson, Rukiya Bernard, Peter Kelamis, Adrian Holmes, Chelah Horsdal, Terry Chen, Heather Doerksen, Patrick Sabongul, Phillip Mitchell, Naomi Dane, Ellie Harvie, Patrick Gilmore, Brad Dryborough, Emili Kawashima, Aya Furukawa, Maria Go, Serena Akane Chi, Abbey Imai, Marina Ishibashi, Miku Katsuura, Alicia Takase Lui, Jodi Tabuchi, Sara Taira, Alyssandra Yamamoto, Ricahrd Cetrone, Phoebe Galvan, Simon Pidgeon, Matt Phillips, Lori Stewart, Greg Zach, Sigourney Weaver, Jason Clark, Lucas D. Hill, David Julyan, Peter Deming, Lisa Lassek, Heiki Brandstatter, Anya Colloff, Coreen Mayrs, Amy McIntyre Britt, Martin Whist, Michael Diner, Hamish Purdy, Steve Demko, Mary Anne Waterhouse, Karin Behrenz, Richard Cowan, Gary Hawes, Alysse Leite Rogers, Louisa Phung, Lauro Chartrand, Andrew Chin, Andrea Brown, Todd Fulkerson, Cesare Gagliardoni, Melody Gehman, Rob Grant, Dustin Lee Abram, Paul Becker, Joao Paulo Bertol, Kameron Bodaly, Charlene Callihoo, Kyle Cornell, Jason Crosby, Matt Granger, Kasandra Greene-Griebel, Richa Herbeck, Jill Kabush, Susan Lambie, Heather Langenkamp, Willan Leung, Gemma Levinson, Sandra Matossi, Danny McKenzie, Nathaniel Moher, Terry Notary, Rachel Rhee, Ian Robinson, Jacquelyn Roth, Joecy Shepherd, Nathan Tichenor, Scott Trimble, Crystal Williams, Christa Zofcin

The Cabin In The Woods [REVIEW]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, The Cabin In The Woods, Drew Goddard, Joss Whedon, Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth, Anna Hutchison, Fran Kranz, Jesse Williams, Richard Jenkins, Bradley Whitford, Brian White, Amy Acker, Tim De Zam, Tom Lenk, Dan Payne, Jodelle Ferland, Dan Shea, Maya Massar, Matt Drake, Nels Lennarson, Rukiya Bernard, Peter Kelamis, Adrian Holmes, Chelah Horsdal, Terry Chen, Heather Doerksen, Patrick Sabongul, Phillip Mitchell, Naomi Dane, Ellie Harvie, Patrick Gilmore, Brad Dryborough, Emili Kawashima, Aya Furukawa, Maria Go, Serena Akane Chi, Abbey Imai, Marina Ishibashi, Miku Katsuura, Alicia Takase Lui, Jodi Tabuchi, Sara Taira, Alyssandra Yamamoto, Ricahrd Cetrone, Phoebe Galvan, Simon Pidgeon, Matt Phillips, Lori Stewart, Greg Zach, Sigourney Weaver, Jason Clark, Lucas D. Hill, David Julyan, Peter Deming, Lisa Lassek, Heiki Brandstatter, Anya Colloff, Coreen Mayrs, Amy McIntyre Britt, Martin Whist, Michael Diner, Hamish Purdy, Steve Demko, Mary Anne Waterhouse, Karin Behrenz, Richard Cowan, Gary Hawes, Alysse Leite Rogers, Louisa Phung, Lauro Chartrand, Andrew Chin, Andrea Brown, Todd Fulkerson, Cesare Gagliardoni, Melody Gehman, Rob Grant, Dustin Lee Abram, Paul Becker, Joao Paulo Bertol, Kameron Bodaly, Charlene Callihoo, Kyle Cornell, Jason Crosby, Matt Granger, Kasandra Greene-Griebel, Richa Herbeck, Jill Kabush, Susan Lambie, Heather Langenkamp, Willan Leung, Gemma Levinson, Sandra Matossi, Danny McKenzie, Nathaniel Moher, Terry Notary, Rachel Rhee, Ian Robinson, Jacquelyn Roth, Joecy Shepherd, Nathan Tichenor, Scott Trimble, Crystal Williams, Christa ZofcinThe Cabin In The Woods

With Wit, Reviewed By Kimmo Mustonenen

“Previews.”

“Trailers” (as in the industry the name is whispered).

“Coming Attractions” to the elderly who are always cold and cry at the loudness of noise (and smell like liver sausage, if lucky).

No matter the calling of the things, they are evil.

Ruining movies is the job of them.

Show every damn good thing to see in 2 minutes 30 seconds.

Just like “The Cabin In The Woods”, right?

No!

The opposite of right!

A horror movie that was totally whack (get it?)!  People over 30 – that means it was good, in Finland.

Plot?

Who cares!

In the woods go the nubile teenagers.

Creepy local dude.

Pot (not mine – kossu shots only this night, right Kyrle?).  Oh, with guys at Mission Control…MISSION CONTROL?!?!?!?  WTF?!?!?!?

Then nudity.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, The Cabin In The Woods, Drew Goddard, Joss Whedon, Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth, Anna Hutchison, Fran Kranz, Jesse Williams, Richard Jenkins, Bradley Whitford, Brian White, Amy Acker, Tim De Zam, Tom Lenk, Dan Payne, Jodelle Ferland, Dan Shea, Maya Massar, Matt Drake, Nels Lennarson, Rukiya Bernard, Peter Kelamis, Adrian Holmes, Chelah Horsdal, Terry Chen, Heather Doerksen, Patrick Sabongul, Phillip Mitchell, Naomi Dane, Ellie Harvie, Patrick Gilmore, Brad Dryborough, Emili Kawashima, Aya Furukawa, Maria Go, Serena Akane Chi, Abbey Imai, Marina Ishibashi, Miku Katsuura, Alicia Takase Lui, Jodi Tabuchi, Sara Taira, Alyssandra Yamamoto, Ricahrd Cetrone, Phoebe Galvan, Simon Pidgeon, Matt Phillips, Lori Stewart, Greg Zach, Sigourney Weaver, Jason Clark, Lucas D. Hill, David Julyan, Peter Deming, Lisa Lassek, Heiki Brandstatter, Anya Colloff, Coreen Mayrs, Amy McIntyre Britt, Martin Whist, Michael Diner, Hamish Purdy, Steve Demko, Mary Anne Waterhouse, Karin Behrenz, Richard Cowan, Gary Hawes, Alysse Leite Rogers, Louisa Phung, Lauro Chartrand, Andrew Chin, Andrea Brown, Todd Fulkerson, Cesare Gagliardoni, Melody Gehman, Rob Grant, Dustin Lee Abram, Paul Becker, Joao Paulo Bertol, Kameron Bodaly, Charlene Callihoo, Kyle Cornell, Jason Crosby, Matt Granger, Kasandra Greene-Griebel, Richa Herbeck, Jill Kabush, Susan Lambie, Heather Langenkamp, Willan Leung, Gemma Levinson, Sandra Matossi, Danny McKenzie, Nathaniel Moher, Terry Notary, Rachel Rhee, Ian Robinson, Jacquelyn Roth, Joecy Shepherd, Nathan Tichenor, Scott Trimble, Crystal Williams, Christa ZofcinCrazy crap happens.

Death of people.

Boobs.

Funny jokes.

More pot.

Cellar that should below Rob Zombie’s house live.

And real zombies.  This is the shit.  Truly.

How can I blather without spoilers?  Cannot happen.

So this.  This acting rules the world of acting.

Any film of horror with Richard Jenkins (he was awesome in “Let Vampires In Your House”) must be eye balled.

Teamed him with Bradley Whitford?  Best horror ever.

The boobs of Anna Hutchison?  If there was Boob Acting award she just won two (or does the pair count as one?  My mind reels.).  Especially with her tonguing of the ex-wolf.

Lucky ex-wolf.

Thor (Chris Hemsworth) should be allowed to live (until stinking pile “The Avengers” is released – then the fatwa is back in force).

Then arrives the Kimmo alter-ego, played by Fran Kranz.  He smokes the pot almost with as much puffing as me.  Clouds were created.  Warping of minds – and a bong that made me smile.

My respect is his.  And my jealousy.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kimmo Mustonenen, Kimmo On Kino, Kyrle Lendhoffer, The Cabin In The Woods, Drew Goddard, Joss Whedon, Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth, Anna Hutchison, Fran Kranz, Jesse Williams, Richard Jenkins, Bradley Whitford, Brian White, Amy Acker, Tim De Zam, Tom Lenk, Dan Payne, Jodelle Ferland, Dan Shea, Maya Massar, Matt Drake, Nels Lennarson, Rukiya Bernard, Peter Kelamis, Adrian Holmes, Chelah Horsdal, Terry Chen, Heather Doerksen, Patrick Sabongul, Phillip Mitchell, Naomi Dane, Ellie Harvie, Patrick Gilmore, Brad Dryborough, Emili Kawashima, Aya Furukawa, Maria Go, Serena Akane Chi, Abbey Imai, Marina Ishibashi, Miku Katsuura, Alicia Takase Lui, Jodi Tabuchi, Sara Taira, Alyssandra Yamamoto, Ricahrd Cetrone, Phoebe Galvan, Simon Pidgeon, Matt Phillips, Lori Stewart, Greg Zach, Sigourney Weaver, Jason Clark, Lucas D. Hill, David Julyan, Peter Deming, Lisa Lassek, Heiki Brandstatter, Anya Colloff, Coreen Mayrs, Amy McIntyre Britt, Martin Whist, Michael Diner, Hamish Purdy, Steve Demko, Mary Anne Waterhouse, Karin Behrenz, Richard Cowan, Gary Hawes, Alysse Leite Rogers, Louisa Phung, Lauro Chartrand, Andrew Chin, Andrea Brown, Todd Fulkerson, Cesare Gagliardoni, Melody Gehman, Rob Grant, Dustin Lee Abram, Paul Becker, Joao Paulo Bertol, Kameron Bodaly, Charlene Callihoo, Kyle Cornell, Jason Crosby, Matt Granger, Kasandra Greene-Griebel, Richa Herbeck, Jill Kabush, Susan Lambie, Heather Langenkamp, Willan Leung, Gemma Levinson, Sandra Matossi, Danny McKenzie, Nathaniel Moher, Terry Notary, Rachel Rhee, Ian Robinson, Jacquelyn Roth, Joecy Shepherd, Nathan Tichenor, Scott Trimble, Crystal Williams, Christa ZofcinFinally, there is the hot, hot, hot Kristen Connolly (if by hot in English means “looks weird but I still got a boner”).  She would be worthy of a date by a warrior-blood filled man… me.

I would ask, “Do you have any Finn in you?”  “No” she says.  Then I would say, “Would you like some?”

I laugh at my joke!  Works every time (except for the times of failure).

Side note:  Japanese couple who must buy entire snack bar to watch a movie – divide the fucking food up before you enter the theater.  Then your gaping mouth holes don’t have to flap and flap and flap, pissing off all the people in the ten foot hearing area of your grating voices.  If the Norse Gods would have had a say you would now be below Midgard and being in Hel tortured.  Kind of like the movie you could not stay silent in and watch (jerk-offs!).  I hate you (not all Japanese, just in theater talking Japanese assholes).

I feel better.

So… two thumbs sticking up as hard as my little Kimmo seeing the young doomed boobs.

M. Night Shamalyanyaynan (whatever) needs to see “The Cabin In The Woods” to know how to blow minds.  The trailer tried to screw my fun place but there was more to be seen.

Ha, Hollywood!  You have been defeated!

Until I have to sit though “The Lucky One” – my vomiting will be your victory.

Damn.

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Behind The Proscenium, Kyrle Lendhoffer, Reese Witherspoon, Water For Elephants, Robert Pattinson, Christoph Waltz, Paul Schneider, Jim Norton, Hal Holbrook, Mark Povinelli, Richard Brake, Stephen Monroe Taylor, Ken Foree, Scott MacDonald, James Frain, Sam Anderson, John Aylward, Brad Greenquist, Tim Guinee, Donna W. Scott, E.E. Bell, Kyle Jordan, Aleksandra Kaniak, Ilia Volok, Bruce Gray, Jim Jansen, James Keane, Ivo Nandi, Karynn Moore, Andrew Connolly, Doug McDougal, Tracy Phillips Rowan O'Hara, Water for Elephants, Tai, Uggie, Ice, Sita Acevedo, Danny Castle, Michael Coronas, Aloysia Gavre, Francis Lawrence, Andrew R. Tennenbaum, Erwin Stoff, Gil Netter, Kevin Halloran, Alan Edward Bell, Ana Maria Quintana, Chad Holmes, David Crank, Denise Chamian, Molly Allen, Sasha Veneziano, Kimmo MustonenenKimmo Mustonenen – (Kimmo On Kino) – Behind The Proscenium

P.S.  I am in great love with “Game of Thrones.”  Manly love.  Question – if you could be as smart as The Imp and drink wine like a wine drinking fish and get to sex up large boob-ed prostitute women (without the falling off of your dick), would you still be okay with life as a dwarf?  Kimmo would!  Please answer in comments below!

 

6 comments

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  1. Ziggy · April 13, 2012

    Now I have to see this thing.
    And if I could have all of that cool shit I would totally be a dwarf. Even a little dwarf.

  2. Madeline M · April 13, 2012

    I’m really excited to see this movie. My grandmother got me tickets to an advance screening on Tuesday and I can’t fucking wait.

  3. Freddy · April 13, 2012

    Great review! Im convinced.

  4. Dan O. · April 13, 2012

    It’s funny and witty at times, and it has some decent jolts here and there. It’s also pretty clear from The Cabin in the Woods that co-writers Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard love horror movies almost as much as they are annoyed by them, and the fun they had making this film comes out onto its audience. Good review Kyrle.

  5. James Waggoner · April 13, 2012

    Great movie. If you’re a Whedon fan, nothing about this movie will change your opinion of him. The initiative meets Evil Dead. Nuff said.

  6. Michael Finocchiaro · April 13, 2012

    I am still laughing out loud at the PS. Christ, your end notes are almost funnier than the main article sometimes! Great job Kimmo. And yes, Tyrion rocks hard – by far the best character in GoT S02. And, no, never read the books but now have this sinking guilty feeling as if I ought to…