[Manka Bros. Studios Chairman & CEO Khan Manka, Jr. gave a keynote address today at the Davos World Economic Forum. He wanted me to post a transcript of his speech which I made watching a video feed. It is posted, unedited, below. — Vicky Adler-Modry – Senior Executive Assistant to Khan Manka, Jr.]
(Klaus Schwab – Founder and Executive Chairman of the World Economic Forum – is at a podium. Bon Jovi’s “Living On A Prayer” is playing. The music fades.)
Klaus Schwab (heavily accented English): Good morning. I hope you all have had enough snow. We may be able to control the finances of the world but I guess we cannot control the weather… yet.
(He laughs – he’s the only one.)
Klaus Schwab: So, did you have a good night? Lots of drinking last night and I’m not sure what was in that cheese fondue but – oh, my – let’s just say it was a tough night. So enough about me and my toilet issues. Let’s get it started – like my friend Khan from Hollywood likes to say. Our keynote address this morning is from Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. Studios – currently the world’s largest media company—
Khan Manka, Jr.: — Maybe not after the shitty numbers we had last year!
(Big laugh from the assembled.)
Klaus Schwab: Okay. Whatever. He really needs no introduction – so I won’t give him one – here is Khan Manka, Jr.
(“Rock You Like A Hurricane” plays as Khan Manka, Jr. gives Klaus Schwab a hug and steps up to the podium. Applause.)
(Applause stops. There are a couple of ‘boos’ after that remark.)
Khan Manka, Jr.: Thank you Klaus. I had a few jokes prepared at your expense but your goons told me to lay off – so I’ll just get to my prepared remarks. But before I do that can I just say to the Motion Picture Academy – go fuck yourselves. How about a little taste of that, huh? No nominations? Maybe next year you should watch the movies you nominate. OK, Klaus, I get it – on to my prepared remarks.
(Klaus Schwab smiles painfully and leaves the stage.)
Khan Manka, Jr.: I was originally going to call my speech “Don’t Drop The SOPA” – but then I realized there were about 10,000 blogs that have used that as well as a very unfunny political pundit on Fox News. So I’ll just have to punt on that dumb joke. Though the analogy is apt. When you drop the soap in prison – well, you know what happens. If Hollywood studios were to drop the SOPA – well, the same thing would happen.
(A slight titter in the audience.)
Khan Manka, Jr.: So… this is my second trip in a year to give a speech in Switzerland. As many of you know, I spoke to the creepy Bilderberg Conference last summer. I won’t go into details – but it was the worst 24 hours of my life. I mean, the hooded waiters were one thing – but the Lionel Richie concert – that was just too much!
(Big laugh from the room.)
Khan Manka, Jr.: Man, when the Davos bankers think the Bilderbergers are creepy – you know they must be REALLY REALLY CREEPY. Cause you guys are a fucked up bunch. Do you really think you can do anything to help anybody in the world? You freaks are delusional. Panels and Powerpoint slides aren’t going to cut it. Admit it, you’re here for the hot toddys and snow bunnies– that’s right, I’m looking at you Angela Merkel!
(A few gasps and a couple of walk outs.)
Khan Manka, Jr.: Wait wait… that’s not the tone I want to strike. I’m actually here to ask for your help. The last time I spoke at this conference was two years ago and I slammed you all pretty good. I definitely remember calling that guy ‘fat’ – (pointing to a guy in the audience) – but I’m not going to do that this year – even though, dude, the health club here at the hotel is free, man – take advantage.
(There is an unseen ‘Fuck you’ from the audience. Klaus Schwab comes on the stage.)
Khan Manka, Jr.: Got it, Klaus. You guys are definitely not going to do anything good for the world if you can’t take a joke. OK – my speech. (reading) In Hollywood, we are facing the battle of our lives. This is a battle for our very existence. As many of you know, entrepreneurs from Silicon Valley are a bunch of conceited pricks who think they can do whatever they want. Whether it’s using Hollywood content without permission or stealing other people’s ideas, putting a new logo on it and calling it ‘revolutionary’ (is Paul Graham here today?) – we’ve got a big problem on our hands.
(The crowd is getting uneasy.)
Khan Manka, Jr.: And there really is only one solution. One of us must win. And one of us must lose. I, for one, do not lose. So the loser is Silicon Valley. But we’re going to need a lot of support from the bankers and billionaires of the world to basically shut down the area between, oh, let’s say – San Francisco and Santa Barabara. Just shut it down. Make all the wine you want – but no more stupid social networks. No more loans. No more IPOs. Just shut the fucker down. The world can get their computers and dorky FarmVille games from somewhere else. I’m sure there are companies in Switzerland capable of making digital sheep. I mean, you make a lot of real sheep, am I right?
(A nervous Klaus Schwab has come back onto the stage is standing close to Khan Manka, Jr.)
Khan Manka, Jr.: Klaus, please, back off. Do you want me to tell the crowd that it wasn’t the cheese that put you on that toilet all night?
(Klaus Schwab backs away a bit but stays on the stage.)
Khan Manka, Jr.: Now I can tell there are a few people here from Silicon Valley. I can tell because you are wearing hoodies instead of business casual like you were told. Yet another rule you seem to have disregard for. Why would you care less about what your hosts want or think? It’s called human decency, assholes. You could care less about anything because you think you run the world.
(There is a commotion in the crowd. A couple of members of the Swiss Army swoop in and take away a screaming man in a hoodie. Several gadgets fall out of his pockets.)
If you think you can make premium content and distribute it in a way that makes money without us involved – go for it. Good luck. Just because you geeks think you talk like the characters on “Big Bang Theory” doesn’t mean you can write the dialogue. There are professionals. And there are amateurs. In the world of content, who do you think is the professional? That’s right. Game – set – match.
(There is chaos in the room as a couple of guys in hoodies approach the stage.)
Khan Manka, Jr.: Oh, really, hoodie boy, you wanna go?!
Klaus Schwab rushes to the podium and puts a hand on Khan Manka, Jr.’s shoulder. The Swiss Army guys remove the men in hoodies.)
Khan Manka, Jr.: Um… “Welcome To The Terrordome” was suppose to play here. You assholes aren’t going to play my music cues now? I’m fucking surrounded by amateurs. I am done with Switzerland. Victor (Pinchuk), I’m de-icing the plane – whenever you’re ready I am out of here.
(Khan Manka, Jr. walks off the stage. )