I’ve Always Been A Great Admirer Of Alf Landon

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Lester Aldrich, Those Damn Kids, Snotty Scotty, Alf Landon, FDR, Octogenarian, 1936 Presidential Election, Franklin Roosevelt, AARP, The World's Largest Media Company, East Lansing, Alfred Mossman "Alf" LandonIf Alf Landon would have won the Presidency in 1936, this country would be a hell of a lot different.  May God damn FDR again and again and again!

If Alf Landon were President, we wouldn’t have waited for the Japs to bomb us, we would have bombed them as soon as they Raped Naking.

We would have bombed Germany while Hitler was still sucking on his mother’s cock.

We would have bombed Russia before they were the Soviet Union.  What happened there in Goddamn 1905 was good enough reason for me!

We goddamned would have stopped alot of Goddamned suffering.

The people wanted Alf.

The people loved Alf.

Alf got screwed up the ass because he was from Kansas.

FDR said to the New York Times, “Presidents don’t come from Kansas.  Kansas is where drooling idiots fornicate with mules.” [ed. note: FDR never said any such thing. The 1936 election was won by FDR in the biggest landslide in U.S. Presidential history.]

Manka Bros., Khan Manka, Lester Aldrich, Those Damn Kids, Snotty Scotty, Alf Landon, FDR, Octogenarian, 1936 Presidential Election, Franklin Roosevelt, AARP, The World's Largest Media Company, East LansingFDR was a pussy.  And what a great job he did.  Just look where we are now:

… What?

I lost my train of thought.  Once again, my last remaining peaceful moments in my life ruined by THOSE DAMN KIDS.

It seems that little idiot Billy Snotstick from across the street decided to throw a flaming dog turd onto my lawn.

Ooh, real destructive jerk!  Where I come from that’s mulch!

Let’s see how that disrespectful little retard would like a Molotov cocktail thrown into his house in the middle of the night.

I’LL KILL ALL OF YOU!

As I watch Mrs. Aldrich clean up the shit, I suddenly realize…

Fuck politics, fuck presidential debates, I’ll be dead in four years.

I’ll talk at you next week…

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

Pension Fund Shot?

Retirement money dried up?

Stop your bitching and do what me and Mrs. Aldrich do – EAT DOG FOOD.  And not that premium Alpo crap – I’m talking Chappie Original Dog Food Meal!

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Me and the Mrs. have been through tougher times than this.  A 39 cent can of dog food is a goddamned feast compared to what we used to eat.

Every time I see Those Damn Kids out on my lawn eating ice cream like it’s VJ Day, I just want to take the flag off my porch, impale them and carry them back to the depression where after we ran out of dirt to eat, we were forced to eat the termites that were eating our house.

I don’t know who’s to blame for this economic crisis (George Bush, Barack Obama, Lansing Mayor Virg Bernero, Those Damn Kids) – frankly, I don’t care.

Not as long as there is decent food to be had for $0.39!

I’ll talk at you next week…

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

Friday Nights Are Hell Around Here…

Friday nights are Hell around here and God knows I’ve never been too high on abortions – but if it meant I would get one peaceful Friday night, I would have aborted every one of THOSE DAMN KIDS in the third trimester with the head sticking out!

Me and Mrs. Aldrich get back from Denny’s about 5:45 every Friday night.  I like to have me a LaBatt’s or three to sort of wind down from the week.

East Lansing, flaming manure, football game, Friday night lights, Khan Manka, Labatts, Lester Aldrich, Manka Bros., Michigan, Mrs. Aldrich, Octogenarian, old man blog, Sam Singh, Spartans, Theodore Staton, Those Damn Kids, toilet paper trees, TP in trees, World's Largest Media CompanyThen the sun goes down and it all starts.

First comes the blaring of car horns and the high-pitch screaming as they pass by.  Do these stupid kids want the whole neighborhood to think they’re idiots?  Dick suckers so high on pot they can’t even drive straight!

About an hour later, when they think I’m asleep, comes the TP.

If those little squirts knew how scarce that stuff was during the war and what we had to use to wipe our butts, they’d think twice about throwing roll after roll all over my 100-year-old elm tree.

East Lansing, flaming manure, football game, Friday night lights, Khan Manka, Labatts, Lester Aldrich, Manka Bros., Michigan, Mrs. Aldrich, Octogenarian, old man blog, Sam Singh, Spartans, Theodore Staton, Those Damn Kids, toilet paper trees, TP in trees, World's Largest Media CompanyThen it’s shaving cream and flaming manure time.

Like clockwork, those sissymarys write unmentionable sayings all over my driveway and lawn then set a bag of shit on fire.

The retards then ring the bell to let me know what they’ve done.

I GODDAMNED KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONE!  YOU’VE RUINED MY GODDAMNED LAWN IS WHAT YOU’VE DONE!

I swear to Jesus Christ, last Friday, if I could have unlocked the bullets in time, there’d be three less of THOSE GODDAMNED KIDS in the world.

And every Saturday it takes Mrs. Aldrich half the day just clean all that crap up.

I’ll talk at you next week..

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

I Was A Teenager In The Great Depression

AARP, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Antonio ( "El Bailarín" ) Ruiz Soler, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, Carmen Amaya, Charles de Gaulle, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, Edgard de Larminat, El Farruco, elephant toilet, Erich Von Manstein, Flamenco, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, José Greco, Joseph de Goislard de Monsabert, Juan Manuel ( "El Farruquito" ) Fernández, Khan Manka, korean war, Korean War, La Argentina, La Argentinita, la trucha, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Maginot Line, manka bros., Manka Bros., Michigan, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Spain during World War 2, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, Those Damn Kids, those damn kids, VFW Hall, Vicente Escudero, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media Company, the great depression, richard fuld, pension fund… My father was unemployed.

We had very little food.

We never bathed.

I didn’t go to school very often.

But I was a teenager so I didn’t give a shit about any of that stuff.

I just wanted to have sexual relations with Mary Dell’gato.

Today, my pension is completely gone (thanks, 3 years ago, to that no good motherfucker Richard Fuld and his bankrupt Lehman Brothers!).

My ass doesn’t really work anymore. 

THOSE DAMN KIDS rip apart my lawn and TP my trees.  And I’m a really old man.

The Great Depression was better.

I’ll talk at you next week.

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

In 1944, I Was Ordered To Go To Spain

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurOn this date, in 1944, I was ordered to go to Spain after five months of heavy fighting in eastern France.

I counted 35 kills in my personal quest to get to the Rhine but my fuck-ass superior officer thought I was ‘over-zealous’ in my hatred for strangers and told me to take a break from killing.

My superior officer was a pussy – but I won’t smear his name here – he was, after all, a decorated hero in the war to end all wars (WWI) and a valuable member of the super-duper war to end all wars (WWIl).

AARP, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Antonio ( "El Bailarín" ) Ruiz Soler, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, Carmen Amaya, Charles de Gaulle, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, Edgard de Larminat, El Farruco, elephant toilet, Erich Von Manstein, Flamenco, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, José Greco, Joseph de Goislard de Monsabert, Juan Manuel ( "El Farruquito" ) Fernández, Khan Manka, korean war, Korean War, La Argentina, La Argentinita, la trucha, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Maginot Line, manka bros., Manka Bros., Michigan, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Spain during World War 2, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, Those Damn Kids, those damn kids, VFW Hall, Vicente Escudero, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media CompanyI think Captain Ralph “Ol’ Pussy” Jackson (oops) would have been ashamed of himself if he actually thought the allies would win.

But I think he always thought the Nazis would win, so he hedged his bets.

We can only hope Ol’ Pussy Jackson is burning in Hell now for being weak.

Though I don’t think Satan would have much to do with him.

What does Satan need with pussy ass weak field commanders?

Anyway, I was ordered to go to SpainSouthern Spain.

The only thing I knew about southern Spain was nothing.  I knew they ate goat brains and pig feet but that was it.

AARP, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Antonio ( "El Bailarín" ) Ruiz Soler, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, Carmen Amaya, Charles de Gaulle, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, Edgard de Larminat, El Farruco, elephant toilet, Erich Von Manstein, Flamenco, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, José Greco, Joseph de Goislard de Monsabert, Juan Manuel ( "El Farruquito" ) Fernández, Khan Manka, korean war, Korean War, La Argentina, La Argentinita, la trucha, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Maginot Line, manka bros., Manka Bros., Michigan, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Spain during World War 2, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, Those Damn Kids, those damn kids, VFW Hall, Vicente Escudero, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media CompanyI wasn’t expecting to see “La Trucha” (The Trout)La Truca was a flamenco dancer.  And she was the love of my life.  And I don’t give a shit if Mrs. Aldrich reads this!

I never knew a dance could seduce me so.  Once you are in “La Trucha’s” grip you pretty much have to kill her to get out.

I spent five glorious days with “the trout” and then I had to leave and kill more Nazis. 

Ol’ Pussy Jackson came to his senses and realized that the Nazis had to be killed.   La Trucha tried keep me with her by threatening my life with her high-heel nail-studded Flamenco shoes.  But I got away… yep… and I’m not saying what happened to La Trucha on that July night in 1944.

Fuck La Trucha!  She might have been a double agent for all I knew.  Fuck that bitch!  As long as Nazis are alive, I must kill them.

I would have killed La Trucha – the love of my life – if she were a Nazi.  I would kill my mother if she were a Nazi.

ALL NAZIS MUST DIE!  Don’t try to win me over with your flamenco crap.  It won’t work!

SCREW YOU, LA TRUCHA!  No fish will defeat democracy!

I realize this has nothing to do with THOSE DAMN KIDS, but sometimes you have to kill others in order to kill yourself.

Capisce?

I’ll talk at you next week…

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The VFW Hall Ain’t What It Used To Be

AARP, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, elephant toilet, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Khan Manka, korean war, Korean War, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, manka bros., Manka Bros., Michigan, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, VFW Hall, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media Company

AARP, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, elephant toilet, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Khan Manka, korean war, Korean War, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, manka bros., Manka Bros., Michigan, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, VFW Hall, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media CompanyThere are now more Goddamned documentary filmmakers in the VFW bar area than actual veterans.

Asshole punk filmmakers with their zippo cameras who just learned there was a World War 2 and think that would “make a great movie”!; dickwad sucking hose farts that think they can stop The War In Afghanistan with a movie at meaningless film festival; scum sucking pricks who think they can find the MIAs in Vietnam.

They all come to the VFW to talk with us experts – US WHO KNOW WHAT A FUCKING WAR IS!  I tell them war is eating a man in Korea.  You’d think we’d be the ones making the movies!

Pete the bartender was “in the shit” in Vietnam as he likes to call it.  He sits there all day like an idiot talking to this rotating circus of filmmakers from the college – all trying to get into his head and find out what it was really like in combat.

VIETNAM VETS DON’T KNOW ABOUT COMBAT! It was all whorehouses and monkey brains for those guys.

[Editor’s note: Manka Bros. & Octogenarian strongly feel that Vietnam veterans served their country as heroically as any of our veterans of foreign wars.]

That’s why they didn’t get a Goddamned parade.  Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Charlie sitting the corner playing on the pinball machine if that damn Pete had his way.  But he took one in the jaw, so I’ll have to give him that.  The man looks like an animal and he’s only 57.

I can only take an hour a day in that miserable place.  I need some place to go to get away from THOSE DAMN KIDS!

Last night, Snotty Scotty turned the hose on Mrs. Aldrich in freezing temperatures.  She claims he was just helping put out the fire in our BBQ that I lit to stay warm during my afternoon outdoor sit.  She’s full of shit (not literally, she hasn’t had a decent movement in years) and I hate her for protecting that little prick!

If he lives to see 15, that’s 15 years too many in my book!

I’ll talk at you next week…

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

The Octogenarian Revolution Has Begun!

AARP, Afghanistan, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Antonio ( "El Bailarín" ) Ruiz Soler, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, Carmen Amaya, Charles de Gaulle, Chiang Kai-Shek, Chinese Civil War, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Communists, Confucius, Ding Dong Ditch 'em, dope smoking, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, East Lansing, Edgard de Larminat, El Farruco, elephant toilet, Erich Von Manstein, Flamenco, Flaming bags of manure, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Friendship 7, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Iraq, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, John Glenn, José Greco, Joseph de Goislard de Monsabert, Juan Manuel ( "El Farruquito" ) Fernández, Khan Manka, Korean War, korean war, La Argentina, La Argentinita, la trucha, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, Lester, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Maginot Line, manka bros., Manka Bros., Mercury Atlas 6, Michigan, octogenarian, Octogenarian Revolution, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Seven Plagues of the Bible, Spain during World War 2, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, Those Damn Kids, VFW Hall, Vicente Escudero, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media Company

AARP, Afghanistan, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Antonio ( "El Bailarín" ) Ruiz Soler, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, Carmen Amaya, Charles de Gaulle, Chiang Kai-Shek, Chinese Civil War, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Communists, Confucius, Ding Dong Ditch 'em, dope smoking, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, East Lansing, Edgard de Larminat, El Farruco, elephant toilet, Erich Von Manstein, Flamenco, Flaming bags of manure, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Friendship 7, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Iraq, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, John Glenn, José Greco, Joseph de Goislard de Monsabert, Juan Manuel ( "El Farruquito" ) Fernández, Khan Manka, Korean War, korean war, La Argentina, La Argentinita, la trucha, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, Lester, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Maginot Line, manka bros., Manka Bros., Mercury Atlas 6, Michigan, octogenarian, Octogenarian Revolution, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Seven Plagues of the Bible, Spain during World War 2, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, Those Damn Kids, VFW Hall, Vicente Escudero, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media CompanyMrs. Aldrich is absolutely sick of THOSE DAMN KIDS!

It’s bad enough she has go to the doctor three times a week and take a bag full of pills each day just to have the strength to watch television, but THOSE DAMN KIDS keep tormenting her with footballs in our shrubs and bicycles that crush her precious rose bushes.

There’s only so much old people can stomach before we take the law into our own hands!  If it means I have to shoot and torture some of THOSE DAMN KIDS, I just might have to do it.

I’m an old man.  I’ve lived a long time and I know when all this hooliganism started.  It was the day marijuana came into this country.  Brought over by the dope smoking Chinese after Chiang Kai-shek lost the war to the Communists.  Ever since then THOSE DAMN KIDS have been HIGH ON POT.

Confucius was wrong when he said, ‘He who stands on the toilet gets high on pot.’  I say, he who smokes reefer gets high on pot – and gets so high on pot that they treat old people like a fist full of maggots.

AARP, Afghanistan, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Antonio ( "El Bailarín" ) Ruiz Soler, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, Carmen Amaya, Charles de Gaulle, Chiang Kai-Shek, Chinese Civil War, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Communists, Confucius, Ding Dong Ditch 'em, dope smoking, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, East Lansing, Edgard de Larminat, El Farruco, elephant toilet, Erich Von Manstein, Flamenco, Flaming bags of manure, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Friendship 7, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Iraq, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, John Glenn, José Greco, Joseph de Goislard de Monsabert, Juan Manuel ( "El Farruquito" ) Fernández, Khan Manka, Korean War, korean war, La Argentina, La Argentinita, la trucha, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, Lester, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Maginot Line, manka bros., Manka Bros., Mercury Atlas 6, Michigan, octogenarian, Octogenarian Revolution, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Seven Plagues of the Bible, Spain during World War 2, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, Those Damn Kids, VFW Hall, Vicente Escudero, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media CompanyWell, listen up, sonny boys and sonny girls, THERE’S GOING TO BE A REVOLUTION and it’s going to be started by the OCTOGENARIANS of this country!  If it means a lot of blood is spilled, then so be it.

But by God, we’re going to take this country back!

Historians will analyze the revolution and write, ‘I think we could have stopped all the carnage and loss of life if THOSE DAMN KIDS would have stayed off my fucking lawn!”

I’ll talk at you next week…

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

Once You Hit Old Age…

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Once you hit old age, doctors must replace some of your parts to keep you alive and shut down other parts that you don’t need all together.

Having a colostomy bag is not fun and if I had the choice over, I would have preferred to die of cancer.  It is the equivalent of taking a dump in your pocket several times a day and then cleaning out the pocket.

But don’t worry… this column is not about taking a dump in my pocket,  it’s about THOSE DAMN KIDS!

AARP, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, elephant toilet, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Khan Manka, korean war, Korean War, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, manka bros., Manka Bros., Michigan, Mike Rogers, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, VFW Hall, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media CompanySummer is coming and summer is the absolute worse time for me and Mrs. Aldrich because of three little words – ICE CREAM MAN!  This little pussy in his white “uniform” comes through the neighborhood 4 or 5 times a day clanging that little pansy song It’s A Small World After All.

If that hippie bastard would only drive a little faster, he could run over several of those little sugar craving squealing jerk kids every day.

First, I’d like to say, I enjoy a plate of ice milk as much as the next man.  Me and the Mrs. go the Sizzler on occasion and I get the soft serve after a nice steak dinner.

AARP, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, elephant toilet, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Khan Manka, korean war, Korean War, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, manka bros., Manka Bros., Michigan, Mike Rogers, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, VFW Hall, Vietnam War, World War 2, World's largest Media CompanyBut these kids aren’t in the Sizzler (when they are we hightail it straight for Denny’s). They are outside, dangerously close to the heel of my lawn, bouncing up and down like little girlie pogo sticks with their Rocky Roads and Tuttie Fruttie Bomb Pops.

Mrs. Aldrich found two popsicle sticks on my lawn last week.  She thought it was “cute” and told me the stupid little joke that was written on the stick: “Where do plants play football?” “The Ivy League.”  She was laughing like a hyena – I wanted to ram the sticks up her nose.

I prefer winter.  Nobody eats ice cream in the winter.

I’ll talk at you next week…

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids

A Man’s Ass Should Last His Entire Lifetime

AARP, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, elephant toilet, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Khan Manka, Korean War, korean war, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Manka Bros., manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, World War 2, World's largest Media Company

AARP, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, elephant toilet, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Khan Manka, Korean War, korean war, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Manka Bros., manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, World War 2, World's largest Media Company

I just want to say for the record on this world wide web I type on every week – FUCK MY COLOSTOMY BAG.  FUCK IT ALL TO HELL!!

You see, sometimes old people like George Burns are allowed to smoke and function normally until they die peacefully at the age of 100 and others, like me, can’t shit past 80.

AARP, aging, Alf Landon, Andy Rooney, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Art LInkletter, Ben Silverman, bleeding from the ass, brown spot on stomach, cannibalism, CNN, colon bleeding, colostomy bag, Douglas Macarthur, east lansing, elephant toilet, Garrison Keillor, George Burns, George Herbert Walker Bush, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, Khan Manka, Korean War, korean war, lansing state journal, Lawrence Welk, lester aldrich, Lew Wasserman, Manka Bros., manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, old man blog, Paul Harvey, Rupert Murdoch, Satan, Sumner Redstone, Terry Semel, those damn kids, World War 2, World's largest Media CompanyWe had a bunch of assholes from my family (no pun) over to the house over the weekend to watch Tigers baseball and have a BBQ.  It was a goddamned embarrassment and fucking lack of respect!

All day long I had to listen to THOSE DAMN KIDS from the neighborhood that my bitch of a wife invited and also my grandkids and great-grandkids giggle at the fact that Grandpa Lester could only eat Jello and was allowed only one beer (light beer!) the entire day!

I’ll say it again – FUCK MY COLOSTOMY BAG.  FUCK IT ALL TO HELL!!

They grilled the burgers right in front of me and made big jokes as they munched on hot dogs and potato chips and all drank till they were drunk!  May Satan fuck them all in Hell!

If it weren’t for Mrs. Aldrich’s ‘attention must be paid’ prayer mentioning me to our Lord, I would have felt that I was already dead.

Now I know why ol’ Dick Shepherd keeps trying to shoot himself.

I will always remember Spring as the season I lost the use of my ass.

I’ll talk at you next week…

AARP, Alf Landon, Arbys, Ari Emanuel, Ben Silverman, cannibalism, CNN, east lansing, Jeff Weiner, Jeff Zucker, korean war, lester aldrich, manka bros., Michigan, octogenarian, those damn kids, World's largest Media Company, Paul Harvey, Art LInklletter, Lawrence Welk, Garrison Keillor, Andy Rooney, Douglas MacarthurLester Aldrich – Those Damn Kids