July 2008 Archives

Good morning.  I'd like to give a quick update on the Great Quake of 2008.  From what I understand, Los Angeles is still here.  The only significant damage to the Manka Bros. lot was at the Profits & Participations Bldg. - but we haven't had any profits or participations in years - so who gives a shit, right?

As far as myself, everything here at the Beverly HIlls compound is as well as can be expected.  Barry Diller finally left yesterday afternoon (after draining my last four Coors Lights!).  Ismarelda is cleaning up the mess that we left in the bomb shelter (let's just say the toilet and plumbing were a little lacking).

Today is a busy day at the Khan Manka household.  Tonight, I am receiving a visit from the current Bulgarian prime minister Sergey Stanishev (my family is Bulgarian as you all should know).   Bulgaria must be very proud of what the Mankewitz's have accomplished over the last 100 years.  I should hope he will kiss my ass in the appropriate way.  I will have a full report in the next couple of days.

Get back to work.  I want our next film release, Spinners, to perform better than The Dark Knight.  I am so sick of people calling me asking why our movies don't open with $158 million!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Hello.  This is Khan Manka, Jr. - I am blogging from the bunker under my Beverly Hills compound.  Barry Diller is in here with me and is fine - though I would appreciate if he not start eating my emergency food!  My housekeeper, Ismarelda, said that preliminary reports are that the earthquake was centered near the kitchen of my house and registered a 7.8 in magnitude.  She was very hysterical so that might have factored into her report.

I would appreciate if someone from the studio would give me a clear idea of the damage.  I'm not sure if I have phone coverage so either Ethan Rubidoux or Robin Rafe should come up to my house and tell me how things are.  I would prefer Ethan because I think I need my ass wiped.

We'll get through this, Manka Bros. employees.  I am still in full charge of the studio - so there is nothing to worry about... except our fucking MBS 2008/2009 Fall Schedule!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

... so much so, that he insisted during my weekend stay at his beach hut in Montauk that we all call him Fernando... Fernando Immelt.  You would think that wouldn't really bother me that much.  I mean, I work in the content creation business - fiction and fictional names are our bread and butter.  But this is a very powerful man and there is just something strange about him leading a "salsa jam" on the beach with Mort Zuckerman, Alice Cooper and Meg Whitman.  Very strange indeed.  I'm lucky I have a broken ankle and wasn't even remotely available to join in even after the Mudslides began to flow.

Don't get me wrong.  I was a wild man in my late teens and early 20s.  I was the son of a movie mogul - the great Harry Manka.  I was out of control.  Marlon Brandon and Wally Cox took me under their wing when I was 13 and brought me to all the best Hollywood orgies (Walter Matthau's house was like the freakin' Chicken Ranch).  It was a great time.  A few years later, I went to San Francisco and joined up with my long time friend Paul Krassner and the Merry Pranksters and licked sheets of acid as though they were Bomb Pops (or what we would have called them back then - 'No Bomb Pops, Man'). 

So I am definitely not one to judge my colleague Jeffrey Immelt.  If he wants to be a 'salsa god' (as he called himself more than once), I think he has enough powerful media contacts to pull it off.  I just wish he didn't wear that thong.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.  Jeffrey Immelt, CEO of GE, called me last night and invited me to his little beach hut at Montauk for a long weekend.  Since I was just sitting there hopped up on pain pills waiting for Ethan Rubidoux to come over and wipe my ass - I decided to take him up on his offer.  He told me there were plenty of executives at GE that would be available to wipe my ass in Montauk - so everything should work out just fine.

Anyway, it's really beautiful here.  I love being able to blog on the beach.  Whoever came up with the technology to be able to blog on the beach - I think we should hire that person.

You may all be wondering why Jeffrey Immelt wanted to bring me here (and, no, it wasn't to buy NBC Universal - I told him that was never going to happen - not after that stupid tour guide made fun of me on that tram ride years ago).  He said there was no reason - he just wanted my friendship.  We'll see.  I'm not sure everything is on the level here - but as long as the massages and martinis keep coming - I'll stay.  I also understand he's a killer Yahtzee player - so I figure I'll teach him a lesson or two there.

I'm thinking of buying a yacht here so I need a team of people to work over the weekend to prepare a presentation I may give next week at the Montauk Yachting Club.  It's all old money here - so they want a little of the history of our studio as well. 

Ha ha ha... Mort Zuckerman just went by on his boat and mooned everyone on the beach!  He is quite a card!

Anyway, I'll need this presentation no later than Sunday evening so I need to see a draft Saturday night.

Regards,

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning,

I just wanted all the Manka Bros. employees around the world to know that last night I officially rejected an offer from Yahoo! in which we would have basically taken over their search business in exchange for a piece of our upcoming Broadway musical Rampage Of The Stegosaur.  Jerry Yang called me late last night after my massage and pretty much begged me to take it off his hands and added 'please don't make me sign a deal with those mother fuckers at Microsoft'. 

I told him to stop acting like a little bitch baby and do the stupid Microsoft deal.  He then started to cry - really hard - sobbing and sniffling.  It was a pathetic display by a very weak man.  It was all very similar to the way King Abdullah of Jordan acted when I wouldn't do business with him. 

After he calmed down a bit, I gently told him that we just couldn't part with any piece of Rampage Of The Stegosaur.  It is going to be an enormous hit and we're keeping 100% of the profits on that one, thank you very much.  Plus, I said, Yahoo! is a - how should I put this - confused company at the moment and lacking the razor sharp focus that it had when my friends Terry Semel and Jeff Weiner were there.  That really sent him over the edge.  More sobbing, threats of suicide, etc. 

At this point it was 2:00 in the morning and I really wanted to get off the phone because that Time-Life 1970s Soft Rock infomercial hosted by Air Supply was just starting and I always wanted to see it.

So I told Jerry Yang to leave me alone and hung up.  We'll have to see how it all pans out for his company - but it doesn't look good.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Now I am so f-ing glad I didn't go to Herb Allen's little summer camp.  King Abdullah of Jordan and I are not on the best of terms at the moment.  A meeting would have been extremely awkward. 

See, a couple of years ago, Manka Bros. was seriously considering building a theme park in Jordan - in the capital city of Amman.  Myself, Lloyd Grohl and Ethan Rubidoux flew over there in the middle of a war to have what amounted to a two week meeting that included drinking ourselves insane, smoking from that crazy pipe thing and indulging in the finest women that country can offer.  It was a very productive two weeks and I thought it would be a great place to build a Manka Bros. Fun Park.  We had looked at Dubai and Abu Dhabi where all the other major studios were building theme parks - but those people didn't even put out as much as a cheese plate for us - so Jordan it was.  We shook hands and performed the ceremonial dance of the deal (which was sort of similar to the 'snakey' dance that Axl Rose used to do).  Once we performed this dance, King Abdullah informed me that the deal was done and there was no turning back.

After returning to Burbank, we received their terms for the deal and this venture became immediately unacceptable to me.  Items listed in the contract like "not recognizing Israel's right to exist" (and I always thought Jordan was the "cool" Arab country) and "no smoking allowed in the park" became issues that we were not even willing to negotiate.  So I called King Abullah and canceled the deal.  He bitched and moaned like a little bitch baby - blah blah blah - 'but we did the dance of the deal' - blah blah blah.  I told him it was over and he should 'nut up' and take it like a man.   He put some curse on me or something and hung up.

The next day, as fate would have it, the government of Yemen and President Ali Abdullah Saleh called offering us anything we wanted and the rest is history.  We recently broken ground on the $1 billion Manka Fun Park - Yemen. 

So I'm very glad I didn't go to Herb Allen's Sun Valley Conference this year.  And King Abdullah better remain professional and keep his yap shut about our failed deal.

This should serve as a warning to my friends Terry Semel, Bob Iger, Ed Limato and any of my other Hollywood colleagues looking for Jordanian cash for their new ventures - King Abdullah of Jordan takes the dance of the deal very seriously.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

I think I made the wrong decision.  I could have flown up a doctor to be with me (I mean, isn't Dick Parsons a doctor?). 

I understand last night was Comedy Nite at the Sun Valley Conference.  I can't believe I missed Sergey Brin and Larry Page doing the "Who's On First?" routine.  That must of really cut up the room.  Those guys were way less funny before they were billionaires.  I remember them doing the same routine when they were pitching a stupid idea to Manka Bros. called "Google" that we could have had in 1997 for $250 dollars.  That was a mistake.  I could have countered with $150 and they probably would have taken it.  Hell, they probably would have taken a sandwich at that point in their lives.  Oh, well...

Also, I heard that as a tribute to George Carlin, Herb Allen himself performed the "7 Words You Can Never Say On Television" routine.  That would have been worth it's weight in gold to see that. 

The only flop of the evening, I heard, was Rupert Murdoch performing Steve Martin's "Let's Get Small" bit.  It sounds pretty hysterical to me - but I wasn't there.

Oh, well, there's always next year.  Damn that Steve Jobs and his little monster of a dog Sasha for putting me in this position.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Because of my broken ankle, I will not be attending Herb Allen's little summer camp for moguls this year.  The last thing I need right now is to be in a kayak with that whack job Barry Diller going down some God forsaken Idaho rapids.  I would have tried to make the effort if we would have completed our acquisition of Apple - but since they're such screw ups (not to mention Steve Jobs' frightful little dog Sasha) - there really isn't much news in the way of deal making that Manka Bros. has this year. 

Perhaps I will meet with Herb privately in New York when I'm back on my feet this fall.  I do want to do a major acquisition (Google or Facebook may fit our digital plans) but not until I am healthy again.

Please direct all studio business to Lloyd Grohl.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. - To Jay McBee, I want my fucking turkey sandwich today on WHITE not WHEAT!

Good morning,

I noticed on today's "This Date In Manka History" (July 3, 1958) that 50 years ago today, my Uncle Simeon was flown back to Bulgaria for burial.  My father, Harry, did not attend nor did he talk to Simeon during the last five years of his life.

Simeon's story is a tragic Hollywood tale of weakness and insanity.  He died on July 2, 1958 on Hollywood Boulevard wearing only a sandwich board advertisement for "Benny's World Of Beef".  I have never heard of Benny's World Of Beef so obviously he didn't do a very good job promoting it.  Perhaps he wasn't promoting it at all and simply wore the sign because he had no other clothes. 

From what I understand from my father, Simeon went insane around the turn of the 20th century.  He would have been 18 at the time.  That means he was insane for 58 years.  All I remember is that he used to bang into stuff all the time.  He dubbed all of Manka Bros.' films into Bulgarian (doing all of the voices himself).  He urinated on everything at the studio - marking his territory I suppose.  He would urinate on movie sets, on movie stars, the food in the cafeteria... everything.  He must have constantly been hydrating himself.

But I digress... this is not a day to piss (sorry for the pun) on his grave.  This is a day to remember one of the founding brothers of this great company - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company.

He was the only brother to be buried in Bulgaria.  My other uncle (the great Khan Manka) wanted to be buried next to Thomas Jefferson (he wasn't - Forrest Lawn actually); and my father Harry was buried under his old office here on the Manka Bros. Studio lot (Main Administration Bldg. 2).

So Manka Bros. employees, take a moment to remember your company's history and then get back to fucking work - we're having a terrible year!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company