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Guest Blogger Lloyd Grohl - Massive Cutbacks At Manka Bros. - Khan Manka, Jr. - The Chairman's Blog

Guest Blogger Lloyd Grohl - Massive Cutbacks At Manka Bros.

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lloydgrohl1.gifI suppose 'Guest Blogger' isn't the appropriate term considering I am completely in charge of the studio until approximately 2:00pm today when Khan Manka awakens from his surgery.  So for the next two hours or so, I am Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. and I am, therefore, making the following changes / reductions in our organization.

As you all may know from my recent Merrill Lynch Mediatainment presentation, Manka Bros. has had a bad year.  Because of all the recent failures on the theatrical and television side, I have found it necessary to immediately cut $1 billion from our annual capital expenditures effective immediately.  (I would appreciate all those who are fired to be out of your offices or cubicles by 2:00pm today.)

manka_bros_studios.jpgThe following cuts and/or policy changes have been made:

  • The MIS and IT Departments have been completely eliminated and replaced by Geek Squad.  Please call your local Best Buy with any computer or software issues you may have.  Future installations of studio software are ordered to utilize "lite" versions
  • Going forward, all productions will be shot on the studio lot.  Location fees are killing us.  Please adjust any current productions or future scripts to have them take place on a studio lot (or, even better, just fake whatever location you need using 'Hollywood Magic')
  • Please keep 'Hollywood Magic' to a minimum.  Talking animal movies must only show the animals in reaction shots.  This will eliminate the cost of making their lips move
That's it for the big announcements.  Making these cuts puts us well on our way to hitting that $1 billion figure.  However, there are other new policies which will save the company money without much of an effort on the employees' part.  For example:

  • If you're leaving a room, please turn out the lights
  • Tap water is now the official bottled water of Manka Bros.
  • For a small charge, the commissary will refrigerate your leftovers
  • "Take A Penny, Leave A Penny" in the commissary is now converted to "Leave A Penny"
  • All car chases are to be driven at a more fuel efficient 55 mph
  • Employees are strongly encouraged to charge cellphones and laptops at home
  • Craft Services must start using coupons and club cards (if my mother can do it, so can they).  We must bring down the cost of Red Vines
  • Offices of VP levels and below - thermostats are to remain at 82 degrees
  • Unpaid interns are to be used in senior management positions (and remain unpaid)
These are just some of the hundreds of cuts to be made over the next few months.  A full list will be sent to you via snail mail.  Electronic mail is just too expensive.  Once Khan Manka wakes up from his surgery, he may have other items to add to the list.

manka bros studio_1918_small.jpgManka Bros. has survived 90 years and remains the World's Largest Media Company.  We will get through this difficult patch and fight off Carl Icahn and his band of thugs.

Yours,

Lloyd Grohl - acting Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios


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3 Comments

Todd Eddinger said:

Fuck you! You'll have to drag me from my desk, you sons of bitches!

Todd Eddinger
Director of Operations
Manka Bros. MIS

Elaine Foster said:

Hey Todd - it's Elaine.

Lloyd wanted me to let you know that he has hired a group of special security personnel that will 'escort' anyone from their offices or desks that haven't left in the next 15 minutes.

I can't really do anything for you. Perhaps you should have called me back after our 'date'. Asshole.

Elaine Foster
Assistant to Lloyd Grohl
President & COO
Manak Bros. Studios

Hollywood Producer said:

You should have called her, Todd.

About Khan Manka, Jr.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. StudiosKhan Manka, Jr. assumed the title of Chairman of the Board of Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company - following his father Harry Manka's death in 1976. Before that he was the member of several Southern California rock bands.

Follow KhanManka on Twitter



 

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