October 2008 Archives

Last week, as I was sitting in the Manka Bros. suite at Dodger Stadium attempting to patch things up with my ex-girlfriend Rebecca DeMornay, there was a knock on the door.  It was Bob Iger - Chairman & CEO of Disney.  He noticed that the sliding glass doors that face the field were shut and lights were dimmed.

"Aren't you watching the game?, he said.

"I'm a little busy here, Bob.  What the fuck do you want?"

"Oh, nothing - we're out of ice in the Disney suite..."

I knew he wasn't out of ice.  I've known Bob Iger for over twenty years.  He wanted to talk about the future of media.

Realizing that the moment was over, I told Rebecca DeMornay to leave.  We would have to try and patch things up another time.  She mumbled something about going over to the NBC Suite and then left. 

"Have a seat, Bob.  What's on your mind?"

Bob poured himself a tall Johnny Walker Blue [Note to my assistant - Vicky, the liquor cabinet is to remain locked at all times.  I am the only one allowed a key!].  He took a huge gulp, poured himself another and started a long rant.  It went something like this:

"I hate that we have to make stupid fucking short dumbass movies for the internet.  Ten years ago, there were only five or six legitimate media moguls - now everyone thinks they're a fucking mogul!  Just because you can fall on your ass while trying to ride a skateboard down a railing doesn't make you a movie mogul!  Do you think Eisner is happy making that bullshit that he makes?  That Sorority chick thing?  Come on... really?" 

"I know," I said, "it's crazy out there.  Our short film Squirrel Eating Orange remains the most viewed video on our website.  It was produced for five dollars and has grossed more than our last six big screen movie releases combined.

I could tell Bob was getting really agitated because of the amount he was sweating.  I calmly told him that times are changing and threw in some sort of dinosaur metaphor which basically meant "adapt or die".

He said he was thinking about paying Johnny Depp $100 million for a five minute short about the new Ford Focus.  "We're not sure if he's going to be Jack Sparrow or just Johnny Depp.  I know it would be pretty difficult to work the new Ford Focus into an old-fashioned pirate movie."

We then talked for a few minutes about various ways to combine Johnny Depp and the Ford Focus and suddenly realized how truly pathetic we had become. 

After another drink, Bob continued:  "It wasn't supposed to be like this.  We slogged our way up through a series of miserable marketing jobs and finally made it to the top of the Corporate chain because of a promise - that one day we would become awesome powerful and control the emotions of the world!  WE tell the world when to laugh, when to cry and what time to be entertained.  If Happy Days starts at 8:00 - that's when you watch it and that's when you laugh.  If we move it to another time - THAT'S WHEN YOU WATCH IT AND THAT'S WHEN YOU LAUGH!"

I agreed.  While my story of reaching the top isn't exactly the same as Bob's - [My uncle Harry died and he made me head of the studio in his will.  Before that, I was in a band], - I could totally relate to what he was saying.  "You know, Bob, I've said this many times - and I think I speak for all the moguls out there when I say - it would be great if we could just use our power to crush everything categorized as "New Media" and just get back to making big studio movies and big studio TV shows like the old days."

Bob couldn't have agreed more and added:  "I mean now when I listen to music, I don't even know if it's any good because I can't tell if it was done by a real band or just some idiot in his basement on his computer."

With that, there was another knock on the door.  Sumner Redstone came in:  "Hey, Khan... oh, hi Bob." 

Sumner noticed the Johnny Walker Blue and poured himself a tall one - "Khan, I need an answer.  Are you gonna take CBS off my hands - or what?  I really need the cash."

When things are tough, everyone comes running to Manka Bros.  It always happens.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Tonight, I will be attending the Dodger playoff game and will be sitting in the Manka Suite.  Include one other guest - Ms. Rebecca De Mornay.  We are attempting to patch up our relationship.  No one else will be allowed in the suite tonight.  Sorry.

Please stock the bar with Johnny Walker Blue for myself and a twelve pack of Moosehead for Ms. De Mornay.

Also, make sure they put out at least a double helping of chili with the Dodger Dogs.  We spend over $200,000 a year on that suite - the least they can do is give us a little more fucking chili!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

... doesn't mean you can leave early today.  I know you would all prefer to be celebrating the life of Christopher Columbus by going to parades and picnics, but we really need you at work today. 

So keep making those movies and television shows and resist the urge to leave early. 

Thanks in advance for following my orders.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good news Manka Bros. employees.  If you were expecting to get paid this week - you will!  Our CFO, David Chang, just informed me that we have enough cash on hand to pay most of you.  I'm sure everyone just assumed you would be paid and didn't know that it was even an issue - but you people don't know nothing! 

Liquidity sucks right now and and our stock has never been lower - but we can turn those frowns upside-down with a little injection of positivity.  We all just have to concentrate on entertaining the world in this time of great desperation.  So cheer up, take your paychecks, get out there and go shopping! 

Perhaps next week you will also get paid.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. - If you don't need your office lights, please turn them off.  The power bills are killing us!

Terry Semel called me a few minutes ago: "Hey, Khan, what are you doin'?  What do you I say drive by the studio and pick you up - we're going to Vegas!" 

I mentioned we both have private jets - no need to drive.

"Fuck that!  I need to clear my head.  There's too much going on right now - the economy is in shambles, media stocks are plunging, crazy political debates - I have to get out of here.  We gotta gamble, we gotta drink.  We gotta drink, we gotta gamble.  Come on, we'll get the Flintstones ham at Slots-A-Fun.  We'll see one of them Cirque Du Soleil shows.  Let's be 25 again for the last time in our lives."

Well, I suppose that sounds pretty good to me.  So if anyone needs me, I'll be on the road to Vegas with Terry Semel.

Only my assistant Vicky will know the hotel we are in.  In an absolute emergency call her and she may patch you through.  I believe we'll be back by Yom Kippur.  There will probably be lot of atoning to do.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. - Vicky - get us a couple of tickets for that Zoomanity show for tomorrow night.

This morning at 3:00 a.m., I received a desperate, pathetic call from Ben Silverman (the Co-Chairman of NBC Entertainment) asking me for a job.  He said he woke from a horrible dream with the number 5.2 stuck in his head.  I asked him what he thought that number meant and he said:  "That's going to be household rating for Crusoe when it premieres on October 17th... and on October 18th, I will be fired."  I could tell he was jacked up on something because I know all the signs (being a former out of control Hollywood bad boy myself).

I told him he really should have called Jay McBee (President of the Manka Bros. Television Group).  I explained that I was too senior of an executive to even be having this conversation with him.  He understood, telling me he was grateful that I even took his call and mentioned that he's not even allowed to look Jeff Zucker in the eye (much less call him when he has a bad dream).  Then he started to cry - a real low-groaning-belly-aching cry.  I tried to cheer him up by saying I really enjoyed the remake of Knight Rider (a complete lie) and was sorry it wasn't working.  As a joke, I told him he should next try to remake Friends or Seinfeld or some other show that was more successful in its initial run.  He said, "That's a fucking awesome idea!  Thanks, Khan!"

He hung up - I'm sure to chemically re-energize himself and get back to work (though there really is no reason to - I think he'll be canned after that horrible looking Christian Slater show bombs - perhaps he should remake that show with a bigger star).  I immediately called Jay McBee and told him to offer Ben Silverman a job as the new head of MBS.  Even though he's been on a cold streak lately, at least he knows how to throw a decent Emmy party.  MBS' recent one was pathetic.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. - Because of all the recent late night phone calls to my house, I will now be unreachable at home.