March 2009 Archives

Guest Blogger:  Jay McBee - President - Manka Bros. Television Group

Good afternoon.  I have great news for fans of the MBS Thursday night hit "Forensics" and lovers of High School Forensics Competitions all over the world, MBS has just renewed "Forensics" for eight additional seasons (176 episodes!).  This is the longest guaranteed renewal of a weekly series in the history of television. 

Congratulations to all on my team... especially Veronica Fogel - President - MBS Entertainment for making the impossible happen.  Well done, Veronica!

This commitment firms up Manka Bros. Television as the leading worldwide producer of television content.  MBS is the only broadcast network that has 100% of its programming produced by its sister company - Manka Bros. Television Productions.

This unprecedented renewal will follow the Beaverton High School Forensics Team characters all the way into their mid-20s.  And while they may no longer be competing in High School Forensics every week, they will be learning quite a bit about life and love in the big city. 

And I don't expect the series to end there.  I look forward to following these characters all the way to the grave!

Congratulations again on this momentous event.  I have informed Chairman & CEO Khan Manka, Jr. of this tremendous deal for our studio and look forward to his positive response.

Jay McBee - President - Manka Bros. Television Group

To all Manka Bros. Employees:

Please disregard the stories in The Trades today.  Lloyd Grohl is staying at Manka Bros. as President & COO and NOT going to Disney.  This was a bullshit story from the beginning and I'm not sure how the rumor got started.

Regardless, we have renegotiated Lloyd's contract, basically doubling his salary and tripling his stock options to make him the highest paid studio executive in town!  This is great news for everyone at Manka Bros.!

In addition to our recent layoffs and massive cutbacks, we have also had to terminate the remainder of our Food Service and Janitorial employees in order pay for Mr. Grohl's contract.  What this means to everyone else is that you will either have to bring your own lunch or use our facilities to cook your own lunch (for a small fee). 

You will also need to stock your own toilet paper in the bathrooms.  If you think that stuff grows on trees, you may want to bring one of those trees with you to work. 

Keep working.  Things are looking up!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Guest Blogger:  Robin Rafe - President - Manka Bros. Theatrical Group

Good morning.  Today, the Theatrical Group has a thrilling announcement.  Because of all the hoopla about Mumblecore coming out of the 2009 South By Southwest Film Festival, Manka Bros. has decided to capture a little of that excitement by launching our very own Mumblecore Division. 

Last night, I met Chairman & CEO Khan Manka, Jr. at the Frolic Room to discuss this venture.  After a few Slivovitz shots, he relented and said it was fine as long as it didn't cost any money or cut into his new BIG IDEA INITIATIVE. 

So congratulations all... as far as I know, Manka Bros. is the only major studio to have a Mumblecore Division (details and website to come in the next few weeks).  This gives us a huge advantage going forward and puts us light years ahead of Disney, Warner Bros. or Fox in terms of capturing the Mumblecore audience.

I realize the term "Mumblecore" may be a little foreign to those of you in the Television and Publishing Groups, but Mumblecore is the new Dogme, the new French New Wave and the new [insert whatever other film movement you can think of here].  Having a Mumblecore Division gives us the freedom to tell compelling stories shot on mini-DV without stars and, because it's "Mumblecore", it stops any critics from bitching that we should have shot it on film with a major star. 

You may be thinking it sounds exactly like what we're doing at Manka Dogme.  Close but not quite.  Manka Dogme has a very strict manifesto or "Dogme(sp)" that prohibits many types of stories from being told.  Mumblecore can be whatever we want.  If it's a couple of people walking along a street and talking - we can shoot it (without permits or decent sound) and enter it into any number of film festivals.

Many of you may be wondering where the financial upside is for Manka Bros. (after all, we are a major studio and not just some punks trying to make it in Hollywood with anything they shoot on their parents camcorders).  The financials make complete sense for us.  These Mumblecore only cost the amount of a mini-DV tape (about $1.50).  Since the actors, writers, directors and other people willing to help out work for free, there is no upfront cost (other than said tape).  So these movies really only need to make back $1.51 to be in profit. 

Most likely, I'm a little off on my numbers and there are probably other costs involved somewhere - but I can guarantee each movie costs less than a Starbucks Venti Latte.  (I'll get the folks in Corporate Finance to run a more complete model.)

So... great news Manka Bros. employees.  We've added another sharp blade in our arsenal as we continue to be the most cutting-edge company in the world.

Robin Rafe - President - Manka Bros. Theatrical Group

Feel free to get drunk at your desks. 

I noticed the geeks over at Manka Bros. Online made the internet site all green.  That's cute.  Just change it back by midnight tonight (Eastern time).  I also noticed This Date In Manka Bros. History is a date we would all like to forget.  It should have been forgotten but those freakin' geeks had to bring it up again. 

Yes, Manka Bros. used to have an annual St. Patrick's Day Parade (started by my father Harry Manka in 1947).  And, yes, several people died in the 1974 parade (including the great comics Leonard Schneider and Allen Konigsberg).  All the people who died, died doing something they really enjoyed - drinking to excess until they fell off a float and got crushed by another float.

I suppose anger, floats and booze don't mix.  Live and learn.

Happy St. Patrick's Day and remember - if you're going to get drunk - do it at your desk and get some work done.   There will be cocktail carts going around the various buildings with mixed drinks ($10) and green beer ($12).

FYI, today, I am putting the finishing touches on a new strategy for our Theatrical Group which I will unveil at some point this week.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. - I have raised the entry fee of the NCAA March Madness Pool to $1,000 - because I think it's time to clear out all the losers in cubicles who keep winning this thing year-after-year.

Good morning,

I noticed on today's This Date In Manka History (March 12, 1958) that 51 years ago today, my Uncle Simeon died.  The next day, March 13, 1958, his body was flown back his birthplace (Yambol, Bulgaria) for burial.  My father, Harry, did not attend nor did he talk to Simeon during the last five years of his life.

Uncle Simeon's story is a tragic Hollywood tale of weakness and insanity.  He died on March 12, 1958 on Hollywood Boulevard wearing only a sandwich board advertisement for "Benny's World Of Beef".  I have never heard of Benny's World Of Beef so obviously he didn't do a very good job promoting it.  Perhaps he wasn't promoting it at all and simply wore the sign because he had no other clothes. 

From what I understand from my father, Simeon went insane around the turn of the 20th century.  He would have been 18 at the time.  That means he was insane for 58 years.  All I remember is that he used to bang into stuff all the time.  He dubbed Manka Bros.' films into Bulgarian doing all of the voices himself (it was very small market for us).  He urinated on everything at the studio - marking his territory I suppose.  He would urinate on movie sets, on movie stars, the food in the cafeteria... everything.  He must have constantly been hydrating.

But I digress... this is not a day to piss (excuse the pun) on his grave.  This is a day to remember one of the founding brothers of this great company - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company.

He was the only Manka brother to be buried in their homeland of Bulgaria.  My other uncle (the great Khan Manka) wanted to be buried next to Napoleon (he wasn't - Forrest Lawn actually); and my father Harry was buried under his old office (currently my office) here on the Manka Bros. Studio lot (Main Administration Bldg. 2).

So Manka Bros. employees, take a moment to remember your company's history and then get back to fucking work - we're having a terrible year!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Ever since he announced his divorce from Paula Fortunato a few weeks ago, Sumner Redstone has been at staying on and off at my house.  Every night, he wants to go out and "party at Trader Vic's".  And every night, I tell him that Trader Vic's closed a couple of years ago.  Sumner is 85 years old and doesn't take no for an answer.  So last night, once again, we went to "Trader Vic's" to "party" (we actually went to LAX - a very sweaty club in Hollywood).

Even though Sumner and myself are two of the most powerful people in entertainment, we sometimes aren't immediately recognized in public.  So I asked my driver (and former child star) Leif Garrett to call ahead and make sure we would be given the proper respect at the door.  He must have said the right things because when we arrived at the club, there was a gaggle of drunken girls in their 20s waiting for us.  Sumner slammed a shot of Slivovitz and jumped out of the limo before it had come to a complete stop.   He rolled awkwardly onto the pavement but hopped right back up and moved as fast as he could to the young girls like some perverted Grandpa. 

I would have preferred to stay in the car getting drunk with Leif Garrett and watch the Laker game - or go over to Rebecca De Mornay's house (with whom I am still trying to patch things up) - or do whatever it is that us rich and powerful media executives do... but here I was at LAX with Sumner Redstone looking pathetic as we tried to keep up with these dumb young girls.

Once inside, Sumner was completely out of control.  I found him huddled at a back corner table making out with Tila Tequila.  To actually see that in person is as disturbing as it sounds. 

Audrina (who I later found out was an actress on an MTV show - The Hills) and Cate Blanchett were at the same table in the middle of a very animated conversation about Jacobean comedy.  I figured my only option at this point was to get as drunk as possible.  Which I did.  Audrina is actually a very nice person and the most intelligent woman I have ever met.  She told me that she was such a consummate actor that she had her teeth overly whitened for the part of "Audrina" and actually has very brown smokers teeth underneath with several gaps.  It didn't matter to me.  I liked her!  We talked about her favorite Manka Bros. Films - she has very good taste.  She later left with her boyfriend - some MIT grad student in molecular biology.  Nice kid.

I could go on and on about last night - but it's just too sad.  The low point of the evening came when Tila Tequila was told the old dude she was making out with was Sumner Redstone - the Chairman & CEO of Viacom (her show is on MTV which is owned by Viacom).  She SLAPPED him across the face and starting screaming, "You son of a bitch!  My stock options are under water because of you!  You owe me money!"  Sumner said something along of the lines of "Stand in line, sweetheart."   I'm not sure who she thought he was but it was all very bizarre.  Sumner then tried to hit on Cate Blanchett - but that was a non-starter.

I finally got Sumner back to the house.  My cook, Ismaralda got him changed and made him some beef stew.  We spent the rest of the evening watching the Lifetime Movie Network which Sumner said made him feel safe and warm.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  This is very big day for Manka Bros. and, most likely, a game changer for the entire media industry. 

Over the weekend, I advised Manka Bros.' CFO David Chang to use our discretionary fund to purchase stakes in our competitors NewsCorp. and Time Warner.  While this is a significant purchase (100 shares of each company), it falls below the amount necessary to trigger a Board of Directors review and approval.

I have called my good friends Jeff Bewkes and Rupert Murdoch this morning to inform them of my intentions and assured them that we have no plans (at the moment) of making a hostile bid or takeover attempt of their companies.

This is strictly an investment opportunity for the shareholders of Manka Bros. as I feel that Time Warner and NewsCorp. shares are wildly undervalued (NWS: $6.08 and TWX: $7.42) - as is Manka Bros.' stock (MBX:  $0.045) but I won't get into that.  All I will say is that nearly all of the investment analysts on Wall Street are fucking assholes.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios