April 2009 Archives

Good evening.  I'm back in town from quick trip to Micronesia (at least some place in this world still has solid banks that love Hollywood - more on that another day). 

All I have been hearing today is that Jay McBee has been moping around the Manka Bros. Television Group building (Bldg. 148C) because I had told him he couldn't go to the International Space Station to deliver MBS' Upfront Presentation to advertisers.  My first response is to say, calmly, that Jay McBee is not allowed to be the Guest Blogger on my Chairman's Blog ever again.  It is a sacred space reserved for those that are not morons.

I have to clarify something he wrote his blog... I NEVER FUCKING TOLD HIM HE COULD GO TO SPACE AND GIVE A PRESENTATION TO ADVERTISERS!  Jay McBee is a scrawny little punk.  He weighs about 70 pounds.  Space would rip him apart like I've done to so many pilot scripts he's sent to my office. 

There are a few things you need to know about Jay McBee:

• Jay McBee is a fucking idiot.

• Jay McBee is a fucking idiot who actually believed he would be the first television executive in space giving a presentation.  When he ran the idea by me a few months ago, I told him if he wanted to strap himself to a rocket and launch into space, I had no problem with that.  I do not consider that a greenlight to contact the Russians and NASA and try and get David Chang to cut them a $20 million check!  
  

• Jay McBee is a fucking idiot and only has his job because he won a nationwide random-draw contest in 2006 which made him President of the Manka Bros. Television Group.  I only went ahead with the stupid contest because I was so sick of his predecessor, the horrible Bob Delavian.  I told Bob that anyone, and I mean anyone, would do a better job picking shows that he would.  (I then moved Bob to the Publicity Department, where he failed just as spectacularly).
  

• Jay McBee is a fucking idiot who was working at a Sioux City, Iowa Radio Shack before becoming President of the Manka Bros. Television Group.  He had no previous experience in television (and still doesn't as far as I'm concerned). 
  

• Jay McBee is a fucking idiot and will be fired as soon as his three year contract is up (why I agreed to a three year contract is unknown - I was so drunk in 2006).  And I'm certainly not going to pay two people to do the same stupid job.  One person can fail much cheaper than two.

The television upfront presentation to advertisers will be at the Burbank Airport Marriott and Mr. McBee will be presenting what I believe will be the worst network line-up of the 2009/2010 season (especially since I stopped counting NBC as a network after Ben Silverman was hired). 

Not since Mr. McBee presented MBS' 2008/2009 season have I been this embarrassed.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

GUEST BLOGGER:  JAY MCBEE - PRESIDENT - MANKA BROS. TELEVISION GROUP

Good morning.  I'm Jay McBee, President of the Manka Bros. Television Group.  It is a very disappointing morning for us here in the Television Group.  I received a call late last night from Khan Manka, Jr. (Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros.) and he told me that, due to the economy, we would have to cancel our May presentation of the MBS 2009/2010 Fall Television Schedule from the International Space Station.  We were really looking forward to this presentation (I was already six weeks into the microgravity exposure program at NASA). 

It would have been the first corporate television presentation given while orbiting the Earth and, by far, the most impressive of any of the other networks this year (including Les Moonves' CBS event at Carnegie Hall).  Oh, well.

I understand Mr. Manka's reservations about the cost, especially in this economy.  It was $20 million just to get me up to the International Space Station and, possibly, another $20 million for a tech guy to go with me if I wasn't able to work the PowerPoint.  We were planning to project our slides against the galaxy [as seen in the graphic recreation to the left] - which would mean billions of people with telescopes would be able to see our presentation, and (the thinking went) become aware of all the great new shows we have coming up this fall.

So... I suppose we must adjust our expectations and our operating budgets to reflect the times we live in.  To that end, our 2009/2010 Fall Upfront Presentation will now be held at the Burbank Airport Marriott on May 18, 2009.

It's still a great line-up of new and returning shows this fall on MBS - they just won't be presented as spectacularly.

Jay McBee - President - Manka Bros. Television Group

"So wash your face away with dirt
It don't feel good until it hurts
So take this world and shake it
Come squeeze and suck the day
Come carpe diem, baby

Draw lead
Piss wine
Sink teeth
All mine"

Carpe Diem Baby (1997 Re-Load)

Good morning.  Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company - called me last night in the middle of Metallica's European tour to let me know that Manka Bros. is under siege by corporate raider Carl Icahn.  

As you all may know, nothing is more important to me than my corporate responsibilities.  After I got off the phone, I immediately canceled our tour date in Amsterdam and took another look at the Manka Bros. 2008 Year-End Results in order to get a better handle on what was happening to this great company.  After consulting with Herb Allen (of Herbert Allen & Co. - famous for his annual corporate retreat in Sun Valley, Idaho), I discovered some things that must of been overlooked by Mr. Icahn and Wall Street.  

If you watch Manka Bros.' President & COO Lloyd Grohl's presentation at the Merrill Lynch Mediatainment Conference, you would see that Manka Bros. is expecting unprecedented growth over the next several years (triple-digit growth!).  That sounds like a crazy statement from a crazy man.  But this is Lloyd Grohl talking - not some hack.  If he says something, no matter how insane, we must be believe it.  To succeed in life we have to take risks even if everyone else thinks it's stupid.  No company on the planet is taking risks like Manka Bros.  They are launching a Mumblecore Division.  They are building a billion dollar theme park in Yemen.  They spent $300 million for a Red Dot from Japan.  Un-fucking-believable!

I agree with Mr. Icahn that it is the Board of Director's responsibility to remove CEO of a company if the CEO is not producing results.  And, yes, Manka Bros. results the past few quarters have been horrendous.  But based on the 2009 Manka Bros. Films slate and the remainder of the 2008/09 MBS Television season, the company's prospects look extremely solid to me.   I'm definitely looking forward to the MBS Upfront Presentation next month.  Too bad it's not on the international space station.

When I showed the recent results to Metallica guitarist/vocalist James Hetfield, he instantly put in an order for one million shares!  This is from a man that had the financial savvy to buy Google at $85 and Apple at $25. 

Look, I'm just a humble drummer of a heavy metal rock band (with minor in macro-economics from Harvard and am a fellow at the Brookings Institution) but Manka Bros. sounds like a horse you want to put all your money behind.  Even if that horse appears to have a broken leg.

What I'm insisting to my fellow Board Members and shareholders is this:  Roll the dice, bitches!

If it turns out that Lloyd Grohl was lying, then I think Khan Manka, Jr. should institute a massive company-wide cost cutting program and a complete executive review by McKinsey & Company in order to figure out how this once great asset became a pile of shit.

Yours,

Lars Ulrich - Drummer - Metallica
and
Manka Bros. Board of Directors

Good morning.  With all the recent layoffs and terrible financial news that our company has endured, I think it is more important than ever for us to get our ducks in a row.  With that said, I believe we need to have a senior management offsite in a month or so to determine where we will go from here.

I have narrowed our location choice down to either Bali or the The Maldives. 

Please vote on your preference via email or leave a blog comment.  I'll make the final decision in the next few days.

Now, more than ever, we need to commit our resources smartly in order to stay afloat in this very difficult economic environment. 

Also, congratulations to Lloyd Grohl, he was the winner of the Manka Bros. NCAA March Madness pool.  Please drop by my office for your $10,000 winnings.  Louisville fucking killed me this year.  Assholes.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  I just want to take a moment to set the record straight.  Regardless of the various press reports out there, Jeff Weiner is NOT coming to Manka Bros. as President & COO.  Lloyd Grohl is firmly in that position and that is way it will remain as long as I take a breath on this planet.  I understand Mr. Weiner's strong desire to come to Manka Bros. - everyone wants their shot at the top - but we can't always have what we want.  I'm afraid Mr. Weiner will have to swallow his pride and stick with his current gig as President of LinkedIn (that's some sort of fence building company, I believe). 

However, if he is as desperate as he seems in his desire to join Manka Bros., we do have a Business Analyst position open in our Strategic Planning department - but he would have to severely lower his salary expectations.

On the other hand, if Terry Semel decides to give up his life of fly fishing and moose farming in Montana to come to Manka Bros. as President & COO, then I will immediately kick Lloyd's ass out into the street.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning. 

Following an absolutely disastrous negotiating session with Rupert Murdoch at News Corporation and Jeff Zucker at NBC Universal (the low point being when I ordered Manka Bros. Television Group President Jay McBee to put Jeff Zucker in a headlock until he gave us what we wanted), I have decided that Manka Bros. will NOT become the 51% owner and managing partner of Hulu. 


In fact, we will not be sinking one red cent into this idiotic, money pit of a venture - nor will we license our incredible movie and television library content to them.  I have informed Rupert and Jeff of my decision and they seemed to be okay with it - though I suspect their stock prices (GE: NYSE) (NWS: NYSE) will fall dramatically based on my decision.

I wish Bob Iger and Disney all the best as they begin their own private Gallipoli as a new, non-controlling partner in Hulu.  I just hope, Bob, you can eventually evacuate without too many casualties.

In the meantime, I would like for Manka Bros. (leveraging our world's largest film and television libraries) to develop our own online video hub to compete directly with Hulu, YouTube, TV.com and all the other pretenders.  Call it something like Mulu, or MankaLu or MankaTube or... whatever... (somebody get the geeks in the overpaid MankaNeering group to come up with a name).

I want this new venture up and profitable by the end of the year or heads will roll.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. - Rupert and Jeff - you are still my friends and you may remain in my Monthly Book Club.