May 2009 Archives

What a nightmare!  Somebody could have told me he was a socialist!  Why the fuck do I pay you people?  You all know how much I dislike socialists.  They make me itch.  And this guy is no socialist let me tell you that right now. 

First of all, he didn't bring shit and didn't share anything with me.  All he did was take take take!  He didn't even bring his own booze and he drinks a lot.  Thank God Slivovitz (a proud sponsor of MBS) sends me a case a month or he would have drank me dry.  This dinner was a complete and total disaster.  And on top of it - I'm hungover and useless today.  I'm going to need a full staff from the studio to come up here and do everything for me.  My leg is killing me.

Let me explain.  First of all, I am a proud Bulgarian-American.  My father (Harry) and uncles (Khan, Sr. and Simeon) immigrated to this country at the turn of the century and our family has lived the American dream for over 100 years - creating the World's Largest Media Company.  Over the years as Americans, we have acquired untold riches and treasure.  But our blood is Bulgarian.  Last night was going to be a great night at my Beverly Hills compound.  I have received many heads of state in the past - but the visit of Bulgarian Prime Minister Sergey Stanishev was particularly exciting for me and I planned accordingly. 

I invited only the best of Hollywood society:  John Cusack, Paul Krassner, Bonnie Hunt, Alice Cooper (who seems to be following me around), Terry Semel, Ashley Wyatt (star of MBS' upcoming show "Severed Fingers"), Marc Shmuger, NHL player Rob Blake, etc. etc.

The only people the Bulgarian Prime Minister brought were a few members of the Bulgarian Women's Choir in their full regalia.  I made a joke to lighten the arrival nerves:  "Hey Prime Minister, 1991 just called the Bulgarian Women's Choir and it wants its 'flash in the pan' back."  John Cusack high-fived me and said "Good one, Khan."  I even repeated the joke in Bulgarian but they just stood there.   That's when the Prime Minister noticed the Slivovitz and that was the end of that.  He, Joey Levitch and Los Angeles City Controller Wendy Gruel pounded a quick shot and then lined them up for the room. 

Only scant images survive my memory from that point on:

• There was a fist fight between Rob Blake and the Prime Minster over Bulgaria's roll in society in a post-Soviet world.

• Joey Levitch stripped naked and sang a song from the failed Broadway Manka musical "Gulag" because he thought 'that's what you commies wanted to hear.'

• Bonnie Hunt and Mort Zuckerman were trying to convince the Prime Minister to visit Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and get a picture of the twins so that they could all split the millions in profits.  When he wouldn't, they started giving him Indian burns until his security stepped in and tasered Bonnie Hunt.
  

• The Bulgarian Women's Choir were throwing up all over my new furniture and one of them got sick all over Nomar Garciaparra. 
  

• For my own behavior, I'm not going to get into it.  Someone else will have to blog about that - but I don't think anyone else remembers last night.
  

It was a complete disaster and most likely the end of U.S./ Bulgarian relations.  The Prime Minister is still crashed out in my jacuzzi with Audrina from something on MTV called "The Hills".  We turned off the heat hours ago.

The real shame is that my cook and housekeeper Ismarelda prepared an amazing traditional Bulgarian feast and we ended up ordering pizza.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  MBS - one of the seven top broadcast networks in the country - today announced its 2009/2010 primetime network schedule [FULL PRESS RELEASE]. 

Due to cost-cutting measures, the upfront presentation to advertisers was held from network President Jay McBee's cubicle in the Manka Bros. Television Group Main Admin Building (Building 37).  There was an untrue rumor going around that this year's MBS upfronts were going to be held on the International Space Station.  That was a complete bullshit story concocted by Jay McBee.  He was reprimanded with a severe pay cut and an across the board diminishing of his power.

As for the 2009/2010 schedule, frankly, I don't get it.  To be honest, off the record, I think it's a horrible line-up without one clear-cut breakout show.  We certainly need Forensics to perform well considering that bonehead McBee gave the show an eight season pickup.  Idiot.

I wish everyone the best of luck in the fall.  If things don't work out, you may want to check with the other networks to see if they are currently hiring.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  Yesterday, as I was having lunch with Sumner Redstone at the Hamburger Hamlet in Hollywood (to talk about a very exciting new venture that will be announced soon - but it basically means I'm bailing his ass out), David Geffen stopped by to say hello and asked if he could join us.  We've all known each other for years but it was the first time the three of us ever sat down to a meal. 

We exchanged a few words about his departure from DreamWorks and his idiotic idea to buy 19% of the New York Times (let it go, man).  I then asked if he wanted to get back into the music business and, if so, would he be interested in taking over Manka Bros. Records - which really needs a shot in the ass (Seamus is coming in far below expectations).  He declined and said the only thing that interests him now are those little Japanese trees.  Sumner asked Geffen about his art collection and if he'd be willing to sell a few of his more valuable pieces (in reality, Sumner couldn't afford a wall covering from Pier 1 right now).

As they kept talking, a light bulb went off in my head.  I would like to buy some art.  I'm sitting on an enormous pile of cash and need to do something with it.  Banks and stocks are certainly no place to put money these days.  And after the massive layoffs and cutbacks at Manka Bros., it might just be the thing that would cheer me up.  I'm sure the remaining employees at the studio would really get a kick out of knowing their boss has just bought some really great art for his house and office.  And, from what I understand, there are some real bargains out there because of the recession.

So I started to pick David Geffen's brain.  He said his main focus is post-World War 2 Abstract American Art.  Well, that's the most boring fucking thing I could ever imagine.  What I want are Picassos and Van Goghs - art that people have heard of.  He mentioned that he had a few original Picasso sketchbooks that he may be willing to part with... for the right price.  And he had some personal items of Van Gogh - a couple of shoes and an unused toothbrush.  That kind of stuff doesn't interest me at all.  I want that Starry Night painting or the Chick Playing the Lute.  He said he didn't own those.

He mentioned Jackson Pollock and I reminded him of the horrible box office grosses of the movie Pollock.  He reminded me of the horrible box office grosses of Vincent & Theo (which I blame more on Robert Altman than anything else).  Sumner then reminded us both of his grosses for Titanic - which absolutely meant nothing to the conversation - he was just holding on to his last remaining gasps of glory).

I could go on about our insane conversation, but I won't (Geffen went on and on about the brilliance of Damien Hirst and Jeff Koons - I looked them up and they are freaks).

Here's the deal - I want to buy some art.  Anyone at the studio who knows something about it - let me know.  There must be a couple of Art History majors floating around the Script Development Department (God knows we have enough Folklore Mythology majors).  Perhaps I'll even invite you to lunch in my executive dining room.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  Today, I am announcing - with the full cooperation of Robin Rafe - President of the Manka Bros. Theatrical Group - a complete strategy shift in the way we develop, produce and distribute films for all of the divisions within the Manka Bros. Theatrical Group family (Manka Bros. Films, Manka Highbrow, Manka Dogme, Manka Docs, and Manka Shorts).

From today forward, we will only be producing movies with BIG IDEAS.  A guy trying to cure a disease in his basement is a small idea.  The moon landing is a small idea.  Saving the family farm?  Not on my watch.  If you want to save the fucking family farm - call Fox Searchlight or Sony Classics.  The Theatrical Group has been thinking small for far too many years - and that changes today.  I mean, just look at the 2009 Slate for Manka Bros. Films!  A movie about Sign Spinners?  Gregory Lopez:  Excellent Plumber?  Are you fucking kidding me?

So... this is your mandate.  BIG IDEAS.  I want ideas about saving galaxies and saving planets.  Global wars.  Boxing Presidents.  Superheroes (but not mild-mannered ones - BIG SUPERHEROES WITH BIG IDEAS!).  If X doesn't do Y then the planet explodes!  Shit like that. 

I want Jesus to come back to the earth, read our scripts and say "Man, that's a BIG idea!"

And I don't want to hear any complaints from Manka Highbrow (your 2009 Slate is pathetic as well) or Manka Dogme.  Just because you're low-budget arthouse labels doesn't mean you can't have BIG ideas.  No more punks who don't comb their hair and talk about how they don't know what they want to do with their lives.  You can be poor and have a big story - just look at Moses.

Get to work.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's LARGEST Media Company

Good afternoon.  I just received word from our research department that, based on size, Manka Bros. Studios remains the World's Largest Media Company for the 23rd straight year even after a very challenging Q1 2009 in which our Theatrical Group didn't have one movie that worked; our Television Group didn't have one break-out show on MBS; our Music Group only had one release that received any attention (Seamus' He's Not Comin' Home); and our Publishing Group still can't seem to figure out how to do anything!

The "world's largest" status is obviously not a result of our employees' performance at their jobs - because you don't become number one by sucking.  No... it is only a result of my superb leadership during this extremely difficult time.  And I'm tired of carrying you people.  It's time to step it up!  

If things don't improve going forward, I will not hesitate to institute another cost-cutting program that will not be as kind as the last one.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company