June 2009 Archives

Good morning.  As we all know, Michael Jackson died yesterday (though he's been dead to me for several years after failing to show up at my 1995 Holiday Party.  He didn't even call!  That's about the biggest mistake you can make in this town - just ask Michael Ovitz).  And if it's true that he overdosed on Demerol, it's a real tragedy.  I could have died from it myself.  I was addicted to Demerol in the 1980s (among other things) and that shit really affects your judgment.  You should have seen some of the crappy movies I greenlit during that time!  If it wasn't for a hardcore intervention by Jerry Weintraub, John Denver and Cher, I would be dead today.  But that's another story...

Anyway, Phil Anschutz (media tycoon and owner of AEG Live) called me last night in a horrible panic.  He told me what I, and the rest of the world, already knew - that Michael Jackson had died and would be unable to perform the scheduled shows at AEG Live's O2/Millennium Dome in London (something insane like 50 shows over the next nine months).  Supposedly, $85 million worth of tickets had already been bought and must be refunded unless another huge star can come in and fill the void.   AEG Live will lose millions unless a solution can be found.

There was a long pause on the other end.  I got a bad feeling in my stomach as I knew where he was going next.  His voice sort of trembled and he said:  "Khan, do you think it's at all possible...?"

I wanted to stop him right there and hang up.  The request he was about to make was going to be nearly impossible to pull off.  I let him finish.

"... Do you think you could ask Séamus to do those shows for me?" 

"Oh, Jesus, Phil... That's fucking insane!  Séamus is just about the biggest star there is.  He doesn't substitute for anyone.  It would be an incredible insult."

I could hear Phil sobbing.  "I just don't know where to turn.  I'm sorry I bothered you."

Just as he was about to hang up, I gave in and made him a promise.  "Phil, I realize this took an incredible amount of courage.  Giant balls.  I'll contact Séamus only because we're old friends.  He will laugh in my face and probably try to break his contract with MMG.  But I'll make the call."

A few more days like this and I'll be back on the Demerol.

[Note to assistant Vicky Adler:  Please have Emily Sachs return from her vacation in the Seychelles and send her to Séamus' castle in Ireland to make the request.  Tell her to be careful, he has guns.] 

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

The Manka Bros. Studio Commissary is a disgrace to the industry!

COME ON!  HOW FREAKIN' HARD IS IT TO MAKE COQ AU VIN?!!

This is why I have a private chef.  Thank God for Helmut!

I don't know how you employees are able to choke it down day after day.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios 

... so much so, that he insisted during my weekend stay at his beach hut in Montauk that we all call him Fernando... Fernando Immelt.  Being in the content creation business, you would think that someone taking on a fictional personality wouldn't bother me at all - but when Jeffrey gets that crazed look in his eyes like Colonel Kurtz and says "call me FERNANDO", it can really creep you out... and absolutely terrify you.

Jeffrey is a very powerful man in the media world (much less so over the past few horrible months) and it was just bizarre to see him leading a "salsa jam" on the beach with Mort Zuckerman, Alice Cooper and Meg Whitman.  Very strange indeed.  I'm lucky I am still recovering from last year's ankle injury and wasn't even remotely available to join in even after the Montauk Mudslides began to flow.

Don't get me wrong.  I was a wild man in my late teens and early 20s.  I was the son of a movie mogul (the great Harry Manka).  I was out of control in my youth.  I followed the Dead with Richard Fuld (disgraced former head of Lehman Brothers).  Marlon Brandon and Wally Cox took me under their wing when I was 13 and brought me to all the best Hollywood orgies (Walter Matthau's house was like the freakin' Chicken Ranch).  It was a great time.  I was in San Francisco with Paul Krassner and the Merry Pranksters and licked sheets of acid as though they were Bomb Pops (or what we would have called them back then - 'No Bomb Pops, Man').  It goes on and on and on.

So I am definitely not one to judge my colleague Jeffrey Immelt.  If he wants to be a 'salsa god' (as he called himself more than once), I think he still has enough powerful media contacts to pull it off.  I just wish he didn't wear that thong.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.  Jeffrey Immelt, CEO of GE, called me last night and invited me to his little beach hut at Montauk for a long weekend.  Unlike other little pussy CEOs that are afraid to gas up the corporate jet in these difficult economic times, I called up my pilot, Shane, and told him to get me to Montauk ASAP.

I'm really glad I came.  It's absolutely beautiful here, even with the horrible weather.  I love being able to dictate something on the beach and have thousands of people read it almost immediately.  Go fuck yourselves, losers.  Get a life!  Just kidding!  [Note to Manka Bros. Strategy Group:  Whoever came up with the technology to be able to blog on the beach - I want to hire that person immediately!]

You may all be wondering why Jeffrey Immelt wanted to bring me here (and, no, it wasn't to buy NBC Universal - I told him that was never going to happen - not after that stupid tour guide made fun of me on that tram ride years ago).  He said there was no reason - he just wanted my friendship (with his company's stock sitting at about $11, I'm sure he needs all the friends he can get).

And as long as the massages and martinis keep coming - I'll stay.  I also understand he's a killer Yahtzee player - so I figure I'll teach him a lesson or two later tonight.

[Note to the Manka Bros. Strategy Group:  I'm thinking of buying a yacht here so I need a team of people to work over the weekend to prepare a presentation I may or may not give next week at the Montauk Yachting Club.  It's all old money here (well, what's left after fucking Madoff stole the rest) - so they want a complete history of our studio as well.]

Ha ha ha... Mort Zuckerman just went by on his boat and mooned everyone on the beach!  He is quite the card!

Anyway, I'll need this presentation no later than Sunday evening so I need to see a draft Saturday night.

Regards,

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Good morning.  Last night, I had dinner with Cyrus Weinstein - President of the Manka Bros. Publishing Group.  He informed me that the publishing business is in danger - books, magazines and newspaper sales are way down.  And it's not just because of the recession - it's a full-scale shift in the way people consume media.  The increase in digital downloads and advertising from online publishing sites (including our own Mankazines and Manka Books websites) are not making up the difference.  The only glimmer of a bright spot was our MC Comics division which we continue to mine for feature film franchises.

As we proceeded to eat our $200 steaks at Cut in Beverly Hills (which I hope Cyrus will not attempt to put through in his expense report!), I asked him what he thought, if anything, could turn things around.  He told me one word... "niche."  He has developed a "long tail" niche publishing strategy that will focus completely on his target audience - people who buy books (i.e., old people, gay people, lonely widows, etc.). 

He punctuated his thought by telling me that Manka Iambic (our Poetry Publishing imprint - who knew?) had just signed gay Moroccan poet Ahmet Ghary Cool to a two book deal worth over $1 million dollars.  His first book for us will be called Awake In My Dreams and will come out this fall.

"How many poetry books by this guy do you expect to sell?", I asked.

As Cyrus drank from his glass of 1982 Mouton-Rothchild, he said... "Two to three thousand in the first year and then a few hundred every year after that - mostly to gay Moroccan college students.  It's not about sales.  It's about prestige.  We'll win awards with that guy and that will drive other authors to our labels."

After a long pause and a couple of shots of Slivovitz, I asked him what else was on the drawing board.

"We have a terrific new cook book coming out called Great Recipes By Unknown Chefs and a user-generated travel book called Best Of The Internet Travel Blogs."

For some reason, I thought I was on some sort of Gotcha/Punk'd television show where the host would come out and Cyrus would say it was all a joke.

But it wasn't a joke.  This is the future of our Publishing Group and it seriously scares the shit out of me. 

Cyrus Weinstein has been a trailblazing executive in the world of publishing for over 40 years but I think his dinosaur bones are starting to show and it may be time to bury him so that future generations can dig him up and say "Oh, so this is what a publishing executive looked like."

But... he has earned my respect over the years and he deserves the shot to make his new strategy work. 

God help us all.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.

I would like some summer intern (or Jay McBee - I don't really care) to run out and get me a the new iPhone 3G.  I want to see what all the fuss is about.  I must have this before noon (I am going to The Grill with Jeff Katzenberg and would like to show it to him at lunch) - so be creative in the way you cut to the front of the lines.  If you need to use my name to get to the top of the list, go ahead and do it.

Thank you.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. - Do we have a movie opening today?  Someone get back to me on this.

Good afternoon.  This morning, I received a call from my good friend Ari Emanuel - the great man who single-handedly saved William Morris from the dung heap by creating agency powerhouse WME.  That son of a bitch actually had the heart to give a couple of the old Morris agents a job in the new company.  Personally, I would have kicked all of their asses to the street and said "Take your Dionne Warwick with you!"  But Ari is a gracious man and good good friend.

We met at Sharky's Woodfired Mexican Grill on Beverly Blvd.  I hadn't seen Ari in a few months and he was much much taller than I remembered.  He ordered the Mesquite Fish Burrito and told me the Chicken Fajita Bowls there were fantastic.  He knew how much I loved chicken fajita bowls (and he was right, it was fantastic).  Ari got right down to business:

AE:  "Khan, what the fuck?"

KMJ:  "Ari, break my balls and you're done in this town.  I ruined Eisner and Ovitz and I'll ruin you, too."

AE:  "'Red Dot'?  You fucking bought 'Red Dot'?"

He was talking about Manka Bros.' recent $300 million acquisition the popular Japanese manga character 'Red Dot'. 

AE:  "Manga is dead.  If you keep fucking up, Manka will be dead.  You're spending a billion on short-form content.  Short-form is dead!"

Ari tried to keep his voice down.

AE:  "I have to watch what I say.  Gossip bloggers fucking live in my shower these days.  Seriously, Khan, the internet is dead.  Recorded music and digital cinema is the future.  Fucking move on!  Jesus."

He was talking about our recent announcement to spend $1 billion on short-form internet content.

KMJ:  "Glad to know you read my blog."

He continued to slice and dice our recent news announcements and ordered two (or was it three) more Mesquite Fish Burritos. 

During his tirade detailing how I'm destroying the media business, Michael Douglas called.  I know Ari hardly ever takes a call or touches his Blackberry in a meeting... but this time he picked up.  It wasn't a big deal, Michael just wanted to know if his nose looked like it was in proper alignment.  He received the AFI Lifetime Achievement Award last week (in which I attended with good friend Lee Ann Womack) and the pictures were just starting to hit the papers.  I told Ari to tell Michael that his nose seemed okay - it was his skin that looked freakin' bizarre.  And he should lose the giant glasses.

With a few deft words of encouragement, Ari talked Michael off the ledge and got back to our conversation.  He attacked our upcoming movie slate. 

AE:  "What the fuck is 'Freedom Swimmers'?  Michael Phelps in a World War fucking 2 movie?  Are you fucking kidding me?  Robin Rafe has no f-ing idea what she's doing!"

He wanted to know if 'My Sister's Keeper' was our movie (nope, it's Warners').  He absolutely loved it and cried throughout the whole thing. 

AE:  "That's the kind of movie I want my clients to make.  No more big budget, bullshit summer movies.  If I could make one hundred 'My Sister's Keeper's a year, I would die a happy man.  I'm really pushing my clients to get away from the loud bullshit tentpoles and more toward the quiet Rotterdam Film Festival-type things. 

This was the real reason Ari wanted to have lunch.  He read about Manka Bros.' recently launched Mumblecore division and wanted to see if any of the upcoming projects might fit his client list.  Even if it meant slashing their fees to scale, he would be willing to do it.

AE:  "There just aren't a lot of opportunities out there for big name, A-list Hollywood stars to do small, personal, independent films.  Please help me, Khan.  If I don't get help from my old friends, this agency won't last more than a few weeks."

So I will help.   Ari is an old friend and he paid for lunch.

Many people don't know this, but Ari was in the Manka Bros. mailroom in the late-1980s and I feel it was his time at the studio that gave him the skills necessary to succeed in this town. 

Funny story:  After he was fired for stealing files and petty cash, he reportedly told the HR person to 'fuck off and die.'  He then slashed her tires and told her husband she was cheating on him.  Classic. 

I would do anything to help that man keep his little agency afloat.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Basta!  Enough.  No more baby photos.  No more morning updates about "needing coffee" - it's over.

Big media companies have been very patient with the commoners currently populating the internet but enough is enough!  We are going to take back your time and make you watch what WE PRODUCE.  Capisce?

Things have gotten so bad lately that I even created a Facebook page for myself.  I'm KHAN FUCKING MANKA - THE WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL MEDIA EXECUTIVE AND I HAVE A FACEBOOK PAGE???  Pathetic.

From this day forward, I declare social networking dead.  My fellow media mogul brothers and sisters (including Bob Iger, Sumner Redstone, Jeff Zucker, Carol Bartz, Les Moonves, etc.) agree 100% with me - with the exception of my great friend Rupert Murdoch who betrayed us all with his boneheaded purchase of MySpace. 

So... what does all this mean for the general population?  It means, no more Facebook, MySpace, Linkedin, Plaxo, etc. etc.  No more user-generated skateboard videos, 'baby's first steps', 'drunk cats', and amateur "filmmakers'" lame attempts at online comedy series.  No more.  If you want to entertain your friends with your travel photos, I suggest you get a slide projector and cram people into your living room because the internet is going to be off-limits for that sort of bullshit.

If these sites don't close down over the next few weeks or, at the very least, restrict access to media professionals only, we will shut off your internet and make you watch television again.

Thank you for your understanding.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Rupert Murdoch hosted a charity benefit last night in his North Hollywood apartment.  I was expecting a man of his wealth and power to have a nicer place but he said keeping his personal living expenses down was the main reason he could afford to stay in business during the worst economy since the Dutch Tulip Bubble Burst in 1637.  That's fair enough - but  the cement block and plywood bookshelves seemed a little ridiculous.

But I digress... on to the benefit.  For many years, Rupert has been involved in the charity Moguls Find Lost Kittens (or M.I.L.K.).  He started it after his son, Lachlan, lost his baby kitten, Joey, when he was 17 years old and wouldn't stop crying, screaming and sucking his thumb.  Rupert vowed to find Joey and launched a charity in the process called Murdoch Finds Lost Kittens (also M.I.L.K.).  (It was changed to "Moguls" after Dick Parsons and Sumner Redstone heard about it and also wanted to get involved.  Legend has it they both had traumatic childhoods that involved lost kittens.)

The party was okay.  The food not bad.  I didn't realize it was BYOB so I had to bum a couple of beers from Sheryl Crow, who was the evening's entertainment.  There wasn't room in the apartment for her band - so she just did a few songs on acoustic guitar.  

After we all had some Doritos and cubes of cheddar cheese, Rupert stood in front of the crammed gathering in his living room.  Most were sitting on the floor or the window sill.  I got the couch because I had to put my foot up due to a flare up of my injured ankle.   Rupert waited for silence.  (Bob Iger was getting pretty drunk on the two bottles of 1997 Opus One that he brought [he didn't share] and wouldn't stop yakking about the High School Musical 3 DVD release.  Okay, okay - it's going to be huge.  But your earnings were shit - down 64%.  So stop bragging!) 

When it was quiet, Sheryl Crow started to play softly on the guitar and Rupert held up a picture of a kitten:  "This is Joey.  In 1988, my son, Lachlan, lost this kitten and nearly committed suicide.  I vowed on that day to find all the lost kittens of the world.  It is a monumental task.  A far bigger task than building a media empire.  Everyone in this room knows how to do that.  But we don't know how to find all the lost kittens.  Will you join me in this effort?"

New Yahoo! CEO Carol Bartz and Eric Schmidt of Google were crying.  In fact, we were all visibly moved.  And we all got out our checkbooks.

Rupert Murdoch is a great friend.  And a great man.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

Rupert Murdoch hosted a charity benefit last night in his North Hollywood apartment.  I was expecting a man of his wealth and power to have a nicer place but he said keeping his personal living expenses down was the main reason he could afford to stay in business during the worst economy since the Dutch Tulip Bubble Burst in 1637.  That's fair enough - but  the cement block and plywood bookshelves seemed a little ridiculous.

But I digress... on to the benefit.  For many years, Rupert has been involved in the charity Moguls Find Lost Kittens (or M.I.L.K.).  He started it after his son, Lachlan, lost his baby kitten, Joey, when he was 17 years old and wouldn't stop crying, screaming and sucking his thumb.  Rupert vowed to find Joey and launched a charity in the process called Murdoch Finds Lost Kittens (also M.I.L.K.).  (It was changed to "Moguls" after Dick Parsons and Sumner Redstone heard about it and also wanted to get involved.  Legend has it they both had traumatic childhoods that involved lost kittens.)

The party was okay.  The food not bad.  I didn't realize it was BYOB so I had to bum a couple of beers from Sheryl Crow, who was the evening's entertainment.  There wasn't room in the apartment for her band - so she just did a few songs on acoustic guitar.  

After we all had some Doritos and cubes of cheddar cheese, Rupert stood in front of the crammed gathering in his living room.  Most were sitting on the floor or the window sill.  I got the couch because I had to put my foot up due to a flare up of my injured ankle.   Rupert waited for silence.  (Bob Iger was getting pretty drunk on the two bottles of 1997 Opus One that he brought [he didn't share] and wouldn't stop yakking about the High School Musical 3 DVD release.  Okay, okay - it's going to be huge.  But your earnings were shit - down 64%.  So stop bragging!) 

When it was quiet, Sheryl Crow started to play softly on the guitar and Rupert held up a picture of a kitten:  "This is Joey.  In 1988, my son, Lachlan, lost this kitten and nearly committed suicide.  I vowed on that day to find all the lost kittens of the world.  It is a monumental task.  A far bigger task than building a media empire.  Everyone in this room knows how to do that.  But we don't know how to find all the lost kittens.  Will you join me in this effort?"

New Yahoo! CEO Carol Bartz and Eric Schmidt of Google were crying.  In fact, we were all visibly moved.  And we all got out our checkbooks.

Rupert Murdoch is a great friend.  And a great man.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

I'm back from Las Vegas.  I will not talk about much of it for fear that my daughter, Connie, will be embarrassed by her old man's debauchery.  One thing I will say, however, is that Terry Semel is a great guy.  He bets a lot - he wins a lot - he shares it with the people who bring us drinks.  The drive was uneventful.  The air conditioning in his Saab was not too good - so it was hot.  Terry had never seen the World's Tallest Thermometer in Baker - so we stopped and saw that - took a  few pictures.  It was nice.

Now I'm back at the studio - re-energized and ready to entertain the world. 

Let's get to work people.  I think Up doing $68 million is a good sign for our upcoming animated movie Mobsters.  I mean, what do you think kids would rather see:  An old man in a balloon or a bunch of lobsters in the MOB. 

FYI, I'm having lunch with Sumner Redstone today about a very exciting new venture that may or may not happen.  I'll let you know.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. - I am grateful to Caesar's Palace for adding the Vomitorium.  It came in handy more than once.