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Khan Manka, Jr. - The Chairman's Blog: August 2009 Archives

August 2009 Archives

khan_manka_house_Seychelles.jpgThis town is dead until after Labor Day and it's pointless for someone like me to still be here working.

I'm leaving this afternoon for my house in the Seychelles and will return on September 8th.  Please don't contact me unless there is some type of explosion or fire at the studio. 

My plane will be making a short stop in Nashville to pick up Lee Ann Womack.  After that, my various cellphones and gadgets will be turned off and all calls forwarded to my assistants.  

Please keep working.  We've had a terrible year thus far and every Manka Bros. employee is to blame.

[REMEMBER:  Labor Day is NOT holiday at Manka Bros.  Just because I'm off doesn't mean everyone is!]

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company
manka_fun_park_yemen_2.jpgGood morning. 

Today, I was forwarded an article with the above title from FastCompany by some lackey at NBC Universal (I believe his name was JEFF ZUCKER) which has a timeline detailing their failure to build a theme park in Dubai

He wrote some cryptic note with it that said:  "You're next!"

How can I say this gently?  NO FUCKING WAY! 

Our Manka Fun Park in Yemen (as detailed in Lloyd Grohl's presentation at the Merrill Lynch Mediatainment Conference - [THEME PARK PORTION only]) is moving along nicely, thank you! 

I recently gave an update on the progress of construction and everything is moving along swimmingly.   So eat that!

For all of you who criticized our decision to build in Yemen instead of U.A.E. - SUCK IT!!!

And for all of those who said they would co-fund the theme park in Yemen... A check would be nice (or natural gas - whichever you prefer).

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Basta!  Enough.  No more baby photos.  No more morning updates about "needing coffee" - it's over.

Big media companies have been very patient with the commoners currently populating the internet but enough is enough!  We are going to take back your time and make you watch what WE PRODUCE.  Capisce?

khan_manka_facebook.jpgThings have gotten so bad lately that I even created a Facebook page for myself.  I'm KHAN FUCKING MANKA - THE WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL MEDIA EXECUTIVE AND I HAVE A FACEBOOK PAGE???  Pathetic.

From this day forward, I declare social networking dead.  My fellow media mogul brothers and sisters (including Bob Iger, Sumner Redstone, Jeff Zucker, Carol Bartz, Les Moonves, etc.) agree 100% with me - with the exception of my great friend Rupert Murdoch who betrayed us all with his boneheaded purchase of MySpace

So... what does all this mean for the general population?  It means, no more Facebook, MySpace, Linkedin, Plaxo, etc. etc.  No more user-generated skateboard videos, 'baby's first steps', 'drunk cats', and amateur "filmmakers'" lame attempts at online comedy series.  No more.  If you want to entertain your friends with your travel photos, I suggest you get a slide projector and cram people into your living room because the internet is going to be off-limits for that sort of bullshit.

If these sites don't close down over the next few weeks or, at the very least, restrict access to media professionals only, we will shut off your internet and make you watch television again.

Thank you for your understanding.

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company
paul_bricault.jpgGood afternoon.  Yes, I know, Paul Bricault hasn't officially been fired from WME - but I read the rumors and I act on those rumors.  Ari Emanuel is a great friend of mine and long-time admirer of Manka Bros., but talent is talent and I don't consider it poaching once someone is fired.

Manka Bros. remains the World's Largest Media Company but is currently going through a rough couple of quarters (we especially had very disappointing 2Q 2009 earnings and a disastrous Board of Directors meeting yesterday).

Paul would bring a renewed energy and focus to the historic Manka Bros. brand and would be a welcome new face in the Main Admin. Building here in Burbank.  (I have to say, I am getting so fucking sick of looking at my current Senior Executive Team.)

We don't take Labor Day off here at the studio, so that would be a perfect day for you to start (September 7).  I hope that would give you enough time to move your office shit up to Burbank.  I'll put you in David Chang's office for the time being (worst CFO ever) and move him to the Frontier Bldg across the lot.

Paul, let me know your acceptance ASAP.

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company
AlbertEinstein.jpgI'm a firm believer that everyone is a freakin' idiot and don't know shit about nothing.
Albert Einstein

I believe I am paraphrasing that quote from Einstein but it definitely applies to the way I feel about the Manka Bros. Board of Directors following yesterday's disastrous meeting.  If it weren't for the fucking shareholders and the "rules" we have to follow being a public company, I would just fire the entire Board and run everything myself.

manka_bros_board_of_directors_small.jpgBasically, we accomplished nothing. 

To start, Bill Gates wasn't even at the meeting.  We got a voice mail from some lackey that said he was in the African bush for his charity [or something] and couldn't even be bothered to video conference in.  Asshole.

Jose Feliciano didn't take the time to go over the prepared reading materials or review our second quarter financial results - so he was useless. 

Diahann Carroll was resting her voice for some singing thing and had to communicate by writing on a little chalkboard that she had dangling from her neck.  Anytime she wanted to "say" something it took 15 minutes.  All of it fucking bullshit.

lars_ulrich_small.jpgThe only ones that had anything constructive to say were Lars Ulrich and my daughter, ConnieLars talked extensively about our need to reign in production costs and fully commit to a digital future (digital cinema, digital distribution, digital production / post-production, etc.) no matter the short-term pain or cost.  "It's all about 2020 - not 2010 - remember that!"

Everyone else was a freakin' idiot who don't shit about nothing... especially the entertainment business.

That's basically my summary.  I'm not going to get into the fights or endless discussions about the quality of the snacks provided, etc.  None of it really matters. 

The main takeaway for Wall Street is that Manka Bros. - The World's Largest Media Company - doesn't really have a plan for the future and can't figure out what we're going to do.  Saying this, I believe, puts us on equal footing with Time Warner, Disney, NewsCorp, Viacom (especially Viacom), NBC Universal and Sony.

The only assurance I can give, as Chairman & CEO, is we will continue to put out the best entertainment content on the planet and hope that's good enough for you asshole investor relations people.

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios
manka_bros_board_of_directors_2.jpgGood morning.  This afternoon, the Manka Bros. Board of Directors will meet to go over our Second Quarter 2009 Results and take a look at our future growth opportunities (thanks to the incompetence of most of our employees, the opportunities are VERY limited).

Please make sure there are NO ONION BAGELS on the snack tray.  We all remember what happened to Diahann Carroll after she accidentally bit into one last meeting.  We've recently replaced the carpets in the Board Room and don't want to see that kind of mess again!

Also, there should be NO HONEY DEW MELON on the fruit tray because of something to do with Jon Koncak's religion.

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

This is a note for my assistant, Vicky

Please arrange the table seating for Wednesday's Manka Bros. Board of Director's Meeting as per the photo below.  We don't want a repeat of what happened last time when Bill Gates sat next to Lars Ulrich.

I will be in Montauk for the weekend, but can be reached (if absolutely necessary) via satellite.


khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios
Good morning.  I just received word from our research department that, based on size, Manka Bros. Studios remains the World's Largest Media Company for the 23rd straight year even after a very disappointing 2Q 2009 earnings report (and party) in which our Theatrical Group didn't have one movie that worked; our Television Group didn't have one break-out show on MBS; our Music Group only had one release that received any attention (Seamus' He's Not Comin' Home); and our Publishing Group still can't seem to figure out how to do anything!

worlds_largest_chart_2009.jpgThe "world's largest" status is obviously not a result of our employees' performance at their jobs - because you don't become number one by sucking.  No... it is only a result of my superb leadership during this extremely difficult time.  And I'm tired of carrying you people.  It's time to step it up!  

If things don't improve going forward, I will not hesitate to institute another cost-cutting program that will not be as kind as the last one.

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company
harry_manka.jpgWell, I see the geeks at Manka Bros. Online have put up This Date In Manka History as the day my father died, August 5, 1976.  Normally, I'm too busy to talk about my father's death but I have a little time this morning as my masseuse is stuck in traffic.  So I have a few minutes (and a very nice Bloody Mary - thank you Cheryl) to talk about my dad.

Harry Manka was a real prick.  Not just to me but to all of my mothers (he had six wives - I've never really been sure which one was my real mother).  But people outside the family loved Harry Manka.  He had an amazing ability to stay alive.  Most people thought he would die from his sixth heart attack in 1958 - but he would go on to have three more and two strokes over the next 18 years.  He drank a bottle of Crown Royal every day.  He smoked three packs of unfiltered Camel Turkish Gold cigarettes every day.  He smoked a box of cigars every day.  All of these things made up for a very big personality and a very big asshole. 

He seemed to love horrible movies and television shows because he was constantly making them.  During the early 1970s, he nearly bankrupt our family and the studio with such gems as Escape From Satan's Planet and Black Illiad.

But this is not a day to piss on my father's grave.  This is a day to remember a man who co-founded the World's Largest Media Company (though it wasn't the largest when I took over in 1976) with my two Uncles - the great Khan Manka (Sr.) who died tragically in 1937 before I was born; and crazy Simeon Manka (1882 - 1958) who died on Hollywood Blvd. wearing only a sandwich board that read "Benny's World of Beef"

I vaguely remember the day of Harry Manka's death.  I received a call from C.J. Siegal, my dad's personal assistant, who told me he was killed on the golf course after being hit with an errant tee shot.  We knew nothing could kill my dad and suddenly he dies after being hit with a golf ball?  It was crazy.  To this day, no one has confirmed who hit the ball that killed my dad.  But we know.  He was playing with Bob Hope, Joey Levitch and President of the U.S. - GERALD FORDWho do YOU think killed Harry Manka?

king khan_3.jpgC.J. was horrified when I told him I wouldn't be able to come to the house later to be with the family because my band - King Khan - was getting ready for a very important gig at the Starlite Room in North Hollywood.  Plus, later that night I had tickets for Jefferson Starship at the Forum.  Being the son of a movie mogul, I always got backstage passes and nothing was going to stop me from using them.

The next day - August 6, 1976 - as per my father's will, I was named Chairman & CEO of Manka Bros. Studios.  I did not want this job.  I wanted to smoke dope and drop acid with my Hollywood friends.  I didn't want to wear shoes and go to an office.  I could feel that my band was really starting to take off.  But C.J. Siegal reasoned with me and said I could immediately sign my own band to the Manka Bros. Records label and record a real album.  This convinced me to take the job.  But after two weeks in that giant office with movie stars and directors begging you to make their movies, I quickly dropped the band and never recorded that album.  I realized being a media mogul is so much cooler than being in a garage band.  No matter how good our version of "Smoke On The Water" was. 

So, here we are, 33 years later, and Manka Bros. is the World's Largest Media Company

I'll leave you with one final thought - one of the last things my father ever said to me:  "If you're going to waste your life - go ahead and kill yourself.  I'll even give you the pills or the gun to do it!" - Harry Manka (1883-1976).

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios
There is a Bulgarian proverb that says:  "If you call one wolf, you invite the pack." 

Manka Bros. reported second-quarter earnings yesterday in the form of a summer party.  I invited the top Wall Street entertainment analysts that cover Manka Bros. to my house for an informal discussion.  I sent the Manka Bros. jet (the Joey 1) to pick them up.  It sounded like such a great plan.

I am told they all started to drink heavily on the plane.  What happened next will probably go down as the worst few hours in the history of our company (the stock price (MBX:NYSE), I believe, is reflecting that today).  I have yet to decide who (or how many) will be fired.

jessica_reif_cohen.jpgI knew we were in trouble when the first town car arrived and Jessica Reif Cohen (Merrill Lynch) fell out of the car giggling like a chicken.  Car after car arrived full of some of the most influential people on Wall Street.  All drunk.

A meet and greet area was set up on The Great South Lawn of my house so that I could make a few opening remarks.  I arranged for Terry Semel to introduce me.  He knew the Wall Street game inside and out and always seemed to know exactly what to say to a crowd like this (I thought).  After everyone got a refill (I believe I heard Spencer Wang of Credit Suisse say"Where's my fucking drink!?"), Terry stepped up to the podium and began.

Terry Semel:  "As we enter the 20th century, my friend Khan Manka is poised for that future.  I don't know how he makes money.  Most of the stuff I've seen from his studio has been shit.  It boggles my mind.  Ladies and gentlemen, Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman and CEO of Manka Bros. Studios."
He walked toward the bar and left me to the wolves.  I will not forget that... ever.  I made my remarks.

Khan Manka, Jr.:  "Manka Bros. Studios is the world's largest media company.  That is undisputed.  As you can see from the chart we have placed on your tables, based on size, we are, indeed, the largest.  Even with a challenging second quarter - which I'll get to in a moment - we are still projecting double-digit growth in--
benjamin_swinburne_morgan_stanley.jpgAt this point, Benjamin Swinburne of Morgan Stanley Smith Barney interrupted:

Benjamin Swinburne:  I'm projecting double-digit growth, too... in my pants!
This got a big laugh and high fives all around.  That pretty much put an end to my opening remarks.  It all just fell into drunken chaos after that. 

meredith_whitney_advisory_group.jpgMeredith Whitney (superstar analyst from the Nobel Prize winning Meredith Whitney Advisory Group), who personally has the power to destroy what is left of Manka Bros.' credit line and bring us to our knees, pretty much ended all financial discussions for the day.

Meredith Whitney:  Khan, we know your numbers better than you know your numbers.  They're fucked!  I just have one question for you...

Khan Manka, Jr.:  Yes?

Meredith Whitney:  Pull my finger.
She then doubled over in hysterics and threw up on my world's largest media chart.  Throwing up on my stuff seemed to be the overriding theme of the day. 

Here are a choice few lowlights:

  • Glenn Vogelman of Goldman Sachs climbed one of my backyard trees and refused to come down until we all called him "Our Lord and Master"
  • Jeffrey Logsdon of BMO Capital tried to spell his name on a white carpet in my master bathroom as though it were snow
henry_blodget.jpgOn top of everything else, my Beverly Hills compound has been wrecked.  I have 15 bathrooms in my house and 14 of the toilets are backed up (thank you, Henry Blodget!)

I could go on and on...

At some point, I told my senior executives to fight back.  We have worked too hard building this company to have these snide little pricks and prickesses make some little comment in their quarterly report that sends our stock plunging.  It's kill or be killed!

There was screaming, fighting, biting, stabbing... everything you wouldn't expect from a second-quarter earnings report.  

I fear telling my executives to fight back was a strategic mistake.  This morning, every major brokerage house has a "sell" rating on our stock (MBX:  NYSE).  Oh, well, I knew this was coming.  At least I was able to sell a giant block of shares before we announced earnings.

los angeles sunrise.jpgSo, it's morning at Manka Bros.  We must move forward.  We have a new day ahead of us and much work to do.  We have the world's best movies and television shows to produce.  So get to work.  We won't be having a third-quarter earnings party. 

As yesterday was wrapping up, Vijay Jayant of Barclays Capital asked me if we could give him any guidance going forward.  I said - "Here's your guidance.  Drop the Dom Perignon and get off my fucking property!"

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

P.S. - I'm going to need the Manka Bros. Strategic Planning Group to come clean up this mess.
manka_bros_10K_2Q_2009.jpgGood morning.  I was informed yesterday on my return from Tijuana with current girlfriend Lee Ann Womack (a fucking disastrous idea that was) that we were supposed to report our Q2 2009 results today.  The timing is just terrible for this.  I told my CFO - David Chang - that, based on the numbers, we should shake up the normal conference call format of the report and do something a little different.

So today, I have decided to invite several top Wall Street analysts to my Beverly Hills compound for a party / discussion.  We have made all the necessary arrangements and dispatched the jet to New York to pick them all up.  All food, drink and accommodations will be provided by Manka Bros.  All senior Manka Bros. executives will be made available to serve the analysts and to talk over our results. 

With this informal gathering, we hope to convince the Street that Manka Bros. is headed in the right direction.  We feel Wall Street has unfairly punished our stock (MBX: NYSE) due to poor results.  This party today should convince the financial world and our shareholders that we are the best run and best positioned company in not just the media sector - but in the entire free world.

The caterers have just arrived.  Check back here tomorrow for a full report on our Q2 2008 Results Summer Party.

khan_jr1_small.jpgKhan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios

About Khan Manka, Jr.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. StudiosKhan Manka, Jr. assumed the title of Chairman of the Board of Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company - following his father Harry Manka's death in 1976. Before that he was the member of several Southern California rock bands.

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