Comcast CEO Brian Roberts Called Me Last Night
Good morning. I just want to say to all the thousands of Manka Bros. employees who think they've got a shitty job... you have no idea how lucky you are. You could work at Comcast.My old friend Brian Roberts called me in a panic last night.
[A little back story: Brian and I go way back to my days in King Khan (my 1970s rock band). Brian filled in one night on bass and was absolutely horrible. For some reason, he thought he would be able to rock and get chicks without even knowing how to hold the damn instrument. I fired him after one song. Audience member Dexter Clangfree jumped on stage and finished the show (and became our full time bass player). Brian still hung around the band like a groupie and we eventually let him into our inner circle. We called him "Bogart Brian" because once you passed him a joint, you never got it back.]
Anyway... Brian called me last night in an absolute drunken panic about this upcoming disastrous acquisition of NBC Universal. The first words out of his mouth were: "Khan, what the fuck am I doing? This is madness. Why would anyone in their right mind overpay for a failed broadcast network and failed movie studio! Didn't you read 'The Curse of the Mogul'?"
I told him he wasn't in his right mind but added that 'The Curse of the Mogul' is complete bullshit and he shouldn't pay any attention to what the jealous, wannabe mogul hacks who wrote that book had to say. I continued: "Manka Bros. is the world's largest media company. There is no disputing that - and there wasn't one mention of Manka Bros. it that goddamned book! All credibility is lost right there. And these fuckers are going to tell me that being the biggest isn't a competitive advantage? Put Mike Tyson in a boxing ring with Wally Cox and tell me that size isn't a competitive advantage!"
There was a pause. I could hear ice clinking through the other end of the phone. I knew Brian was drinking heavily.
I finished my thought: "That said... this Comcast / NBC deal is fucking stupid. You should do what Tiger Woods didn't do... pull out."
Brian whimpered like he always does when in a tight corner: "I can't do that, Khan. There is something... bigger at hand here. I can't talk. They're watching my every move. ZUCKER CROWS AT DAWN!... I'm sorry, Khan, I've put your life in danger. Pray for me!"
He let out an anguished grunt which was followed by a muffled click... and he was gone.
Zucker Crows At Dawn? Poor Brian. Another successful brainwashing by Jeff Zucker - who continues to amaze me in his ability to fail upward. Somebody should just fire that guy before more people lose their minds.
Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media CompanyP.S. - To all Comcast shareholders... SELL SELL SELL!
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About Khan Manka, Jr.
Khan Manka, Jr. assumed the title of Chairman of the Board of Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company - following his father Harry Manka's death in 1976. Before that he was the member of several Southern California rock bands.
Crazy story, Khan. Deals like this one makes me think that Comcast is in trouble. Like AOL was in trouble before acquiring Time Warner.
I suppose they have to try something. It's really all about the cable networks. Without cable networks, none of these media companies - Disney included - is worth much going forward. Cable networks is really the only non-mature business these companies have. And they're maturing fast.
This conversation seems so bizarre to me. I do agree that Comcast should back out - or GE should back out - or both.
A lot of crazy CEOs call you late at night, Khan. I'm trying to figure out what advice you gave him. don't do the deal, right? I agree. Cable channels are the next piece of the media pie to fall.
I'm expecting (read 'hoping') GE gets a bump in the stock price tomorrow for unloading the albatross of NBC Uni. They are getting out of media at a bad time. I haven't read Curse of the Mogul but plan to around the holidays. I know Khan Manka doesn't like it!
The downside isn't too bad considering what Comcast will pay. The worst they can lose on this thing is $13.5 billion (which would be losing it all). Some upside looks probable.
Hi, mankabros.com to GoogleReader!
Kicker
Khan I think your band probably sucked anyway!!!! If you were any good with music you would have stayed a musician.... Why would anyone with talent in a creative environment turn to a world that makes you and probably everyone around you miserable. I as a reader can discern your anger and misery....It comes through like an "A 440." Grow up and get a life or practice your instrument.... actually don't practice your instrument.... Give the world a break and crawl into your hole. The world won't miss you when all is said and done... Artist's actually live art others sell it...Thank God I am not you!!!!! If it's the money you were after I guess you now know that it doesn't mean anything..... Be a nicer person!
Sincerly,
Rob
I wish Brian Roberts would call me!
Brian and those who work for him have billed my elderly mother over $1,200 in fees AFTER we requested a downgrade to service content due to a death in the family. Comcast to date has failed to make those service downgrade changes, and instead has continued to bill full rates each month adding late fees. Now Comcast demands payment in full, for services billed in advance (that we asked be terminated) and for past services they were supposed to be terminated where Comcast failed to supply only the services wanted by the customer. Comcast is the only communications company I have ever dealt with that has refused to change service levels promptly when a customer requests. At this time, I am changing my mother's service to a different provider. I hope Brian Roberts company continues to have its markets become more and more competitive because they deserve to lose market share, their customer service is absolutely the worst I have ever experience and customers need to realize when there is an alternate service provider in their market, they should know that many experience poor customer service with Comcast and that has made many not want to do business with Comcast.
Whoa. Karma may get him yet. And who is still bogarting the j ...based on the narative.
Oops, wrong Brian Roberts.
Signed, a die-hard Baltimore Orioles fan