June 2010 Archives

About a week ago, I gave the Commencement Address at my old high school - Beverly Hills High.  I wasn't going to mention this because it didn't really go as I had planned - but since the assholes at TMZ posted excerpts without my permission, I thought I would put it up without editorial comment or HEAVY EDITING (which TMZ did in an attempt to make me look ridiculous).  Sorry shitbags, you lose.  I'm too powerful in this town to to ever be considered ridiculous.  So here is my speech in its entirety.

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Beverly Hills High School Graduation Ceremony - June 18, 2010

Good afternoon. 

I got drunk this morning before coming here because when you are the Chairman & CEO of the World's Largest Media Company, you can do shit like that. 

[A huge cheer goes up from the crowd.]

You've all managed to do something that I didn't even come close to doing - graduate high school.  And yet, I'm the only one here running a giant media company.  What the fuck is up with that?! 

[Another huge cheer.]

I dropped out of this school because I wanted to spend more time smoking pot and working to make King Khan the best goddamned rock band in the world.  If my father, the horrible Harry Manka, wouldn't have died (forcing me to take over as head of Manka Bros. Studios when I was 18 years old), we fucking would have been the best goddamned rock band in the world!

[There is a commotion as the Principal attempts to interrupt Mr. Manka.  The students boo the Principal and scream "Let him speak!"]

What the fuck...!  Don't handle me, asshole!  I'll shut this dream crusher of a school down! 

Now where was I?  Fuck it.  I'll just wing it.  Uh, there's only a handful of us powerful media moguls out there - even more if you count Bob Iger and Jeffrey Katzenberg!  I don't count them - ha!  Just kidding - Bob Iger and I like to do jigsaw puzzles together. 

The decisions us moguls make affect how the world spends its leisure time.  If I tell you to go see Super Draculas next month in 3D at an IMAX theater, you'll go because we can control your fucking minds.  We control what makes you laugh and cry and scream and kill.  If you try to cross us, we will destroy your lives.

Most of you kids are rich punks much like I was back in the 1970s.  Once your parents die, you'll be set.  But that won't stop you because you all think you're so fucking great.  You all think you're entitled to everything without working for it.  Most of you will start companies that will fail but somehow, through your little cliques of rich buddies and bitches, you'll keep getting money to fail and fail again.  And you won't care if you fail because it's all just a fucking game to you!

[The crowd has turned on Mr. Manka and many things are being thrown at the stage.  The Principal manages to grab Mr. Manka around the waist.]

Is that it?  Am I done?!  Fine!  I'll see you all in Hell!

[Mr. Manka is escorted from the stage, flipping off the graduates and crowd with both hands.]
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You know what?  Upon re-reading this transcript, I stand by my speech and think it's totally brilliant.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Good morning.  As you may know, the past month I was off at a secret location negotiating certain deals which will be made public at the proper time.  Because of that, I was unable to follow much of the TV upfront activity by all the networks.

After a review of all the network presentations, I have concluded that the MBS announcement was the most pathetic and a total embarrassment to such a great company as Manka Bros. 

While our competitors were at places like Madison Square Garden and Carnegie Hall with extremely elaborate presentations, MBS released its schedule via a press release from the Beverly Garland Holiday Inn in North Hollywood, CA.

In 2011, this will not be acceptable!  I am, therefore, announcing that MBS' 2011 Upfronts will be held at Yankee Stadium in New York.  If this means we have to spend all of our 2010 profits to pay for this event... so be it.

I will NOT be embarrassed like this again! 

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Note To Shareholders:  Because of this extreme event, Manka Bros. (NYSE: MBX) may have to cut its dividend for 2010.

This morning, we made a very exciting announcement (Press Release) that will be a huge boost to our Manka Kids and MC Comics divisions.

We purchased 'Red Dot' - the wildly popular Manga character (now a "Manka" character - ha) from Kodansha, Ltd. - for $300 million.  I know that is a shit load of money for a little red dot that doesn't really do anything - but I have been assured that this is a very popular character with the kids.  So the acquisition price will seem like peanuts in the long run. 

Many of you are probably wondering how this acquisition came about so quickly.  For one thing, I am very good friends with Kodansha President Sawako Noma.  She would probably hate that I'm telling you all this, but we used to date in the early 1980s.  At the time, Japanese companies were buying up a lot of American companies (thank you Ronald Reagan) and she came over to the studio to 'kick the tires', if you will.  I won't go into details but to say that she 'kicked the tires' for two straight hot weeks (including an unforgettable weekend in Vegas).  But then she was recalled to Japan by her family and that was that.  They didn't buy the studio.  My heart was broken.  Life hasn't been the same since.

So welcome Red Dot to the Manka Bros. Family of Characters!  I really don't get why it's popular.  It's just a stupid red dot that anyone can draw - but I'm not a 9 year old kid. 

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

"I'm a firm believer that everyone is a freakin' idiot and don't know shit about nothing..." - Harry Manka (my father)

Good afternoon.  It's been a while. 

I've been away for the past few weeks working on a secret deal.  I can't tell you the details but I can say that I rode back on Manka Jet 1 (The Joey) with Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone.

If you want to believe that the deal somehow involves them then go ahead and make that assumption.  Make an asshole out of yourself.

As we all know, the world is going digital.  And as goes the world - so goes Manka Bros. Studios (or is it the reverse?).  With the world's largest library of film and television content, Manka Bros. is in the best position to take advantage of this digital (r)evolution.

Rupert Murdoch and Sumner Redstone's pathetic attempt to purchase Manka Bros. over the weekend for several billion dollars just proves how bullish we should all be at our company.

Keep up the work (I can't say "good" work because, frankly, you've all sucked at your jobs the past few months.  How about a hit movie [WTF is "Flaccid Trip"?] or TV show ["My Wife Left Me For Bucky Dent"?]... for once?!).

More to come in the remaining days before I disappear for the summer.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company