July 2010 Archives

UPDATE:  Chelsea Clinton's Wedding

I'm leaving the office for the weekend. 

I'm going to Chelsea Clinton's wedding in some God forsaken town called Rhinebeck, New York. 

I don't know where it is and I don't know the address. 

I was told I would be blindfolded once I touched down at Teterboro.  I am then to be driven by Towncar to the site of the wedding.  They say the blindfold can not be removed until I am safely inside the wedding house. 

I'm really getting sick of going to these Presidential daughter weddings.  Two years ago it was Jenna Bush, now it's Chelsea.  It just doesn't stop.  I have better things to do with my time.

Don't get me wrong, Chelsea is a lovely girl and a very very warm person.  I met her a few years ago when she interviewed for a summer intern position in the Manka Bros. Television Group.  I don't really remember why we turned her down.  Some people just aren't cut out for TV. 

Anyway, because Lee Ann Womack has decided not to return my calls lately, I will be going stag to the wedding. 

This will give me a chance to spend some quality time with my old friend (and drinking buddy) Ted Turner.  He likes to drink Whiskey Sours and talk about Jane Fonda and I love to drink White Russians and hear about Jane Fonda.  She was an early crush of mine ever since I saw Barbarella.

If anyone needs to reach me, they can't.  I'll be inside a no cell phone, no internet, Level 8 security zone (whatever that means).  If you want to get me a note, you'll have to get through 4,000 Marines. 

It's literally more security than Herb Allen had at his Sun Valley Retreat - and we were a much more important that this crowd.

On the positive side, I'm excited to see Sha Na Na.  I hear that's the wedding band.  That Bowzer really cracks me up.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

... at least not until after the investigation of sexual harassment is complete. 

If it turns out he is completely innocent and didn't do any of the fucked up shit that is leveled against him - I just may reconsider and offer Stevie Mac a job (as I did yesterday). 

Actually, he's no longer Stevie Mac to me until the charges are cleared.  He's Stephen McPherson.  Manka Bros. has enough troubles.

Good thing my friend Bob Iger has the sense to replace him with some English guy. English men would never do this sort of thing.

An [alleged] sexual harasser would not do well at Manka Bros. - especially in the Television Group.  Most of the women of Manka Bros. are very good at taekwondo.  I know because I've... witnessed it first hand.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

So the idiots at Disney have decided to let Steve McPherson "resign".  (As an aside, my great friend Bob Iger is NOT included as one of the "idiots".  Bob, with whom I just had a truly bizarre week with at Herb Allen's Sun Valley Retreat, is great.)

If I may just say - WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY THINKING?!!

I personally feel that Stevie Mac (as I remember him when he was a Manka Bros. intern right out of Pierce College in Woodland Hills) is one of the great network programmers in history and believe that ABC is fucked because he is leaving.

However, this disgraceful negative can easily turn into a Manka Bros. positive. 

Because of our mutual disrespect of Ben Silverman and everything he represents (please read the Manka Bros. Business blogger Jill Kennedy for more details), I would like to offer Steve McPherson the job of running the Manka Bros. Television Group (including the hopelessly lost MBS Television Network). 

We currently have a President of the Television Group, Jay McBee, but he really sucks and only has his job because he won a random draw nationwide competition based on a code found underneath a Pepsi cap.  Before winning, he worked at a Radio Shack in Sioux City, IA.  In the TV business, that is almost always enough of a qualification.  However, based on the recent announcement of our 2010/2011 fall schedule, I believe it's time for a change.

So, Stevie Mac - please call my assistant, Vicky Adler-Modry, and set up an appointment so we can talk. 

Thanks for your acceptance in advance.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios -  The World's Largest Media Company

Before I get started, I just want say that I am not a geek.  I am not a freak.  I am not a dork. 

So why am I here today? 

I'm here because you geeks, freaks and dorks help keep me in private planes and make my Holmby Hills house very very affordable.  And even though I would rather cut off my own head than to sit and have a private conversation with any of you idiots, I am very happy that you exist and continue to support Manka Bros. and our MC Comics imprint.

But, let me be clear, I do not want to talk about what happened in Show X, Episode Blah Blah of Season Blah.  One reason is I probably don't know the answers.  Another reason is that I seriously don't give a shit.

And if I hear one more question about when we're going to make a "Captain Stoppo" movie, I will spray you with bug repellent and have your all-inclusive convention passes ripped to shreds.

All that said... let's get started.  Roll the TelePrompTer.

WELCOME TO COMIC-CON 2010!  That was quite an opening ceremony.  I particularly love the annual Running Of The Freaks!  So many costumes.  So many potential heart attacks.  And how about that Parade of Batmans?!  Who knew there were so many Batmans over the years?  Well done.

After my speech, I will illuminate the Ceremonial Lightsaber and Comic-Con will officially begin!

I am pleased to be joined on this stage by the Distinguished Legion of Magnificent Elders and the League of UltraTriumverants (off-script) Whatever the fuck that means.

[Behind Mr. Manka, in folding chairs, are several people dressed as superheroes, sci-fi characters and elves.]

I am told the guy with the Chewbacca head over there has never missed a single day of the convention since Comic-Con started 40 years ago.  I would imagine you've seen it all, huh, pal?

[Chewbacca nods his head several times.]

They are here to present me with the Wrath Of Con Award - though I've been told, in my honor, they have changed it to the Wrath of Khan Award!

[Silence - except for one high pitched laugh from the back of the crowd.]

Who the fuck said that joke would land?  It's pronounced the same fucking way.  The joke is that the award is changed to Wrath of K-H-A-N - not C-O-N.

[There are some mild chuckles from the crowd and then a few sneezes and coughs.]

I don't know if any of you can see the award - but it's this stupid little Ricardo Montalban doll put on a trophy base.  Pretty ridiculous.  Maybe my dog would like to play with it.

[Stunned silence then a few 'gasps' and one very loud "FUCK YOU!"]

Moving on.  Many in the press have said that Comic-Con is dead.  That Hollywood has killed the goose that laid the golden egg.  That's ridiculous.  First of all, the word "laid" should never be used in a room like this.  Am I right?  I mean, look at you.

[Several loud 'boos' and some wheezing.]

What the fuck, Ethan?  Who's the idiot that said that joke would work?  Jesus Christ.  I'm flying solo here!  Get out of my sight!

[Ethan Rubidoux - President of Manka Bros. Consumer Products, Live Theater, Sports and Digital Distribution - ducks behind a stage pillar.] 

OK, OK - calm down, you nudnicks!  Hey, loser with the PrompTer, get back to my speech.  It's rolling all over the fucking place.  OK... good...

Seventy-five years ago, my father (the asshole Harry Manka) and uncles (Khan (Sr.) and Simeon) purchased the rights to a little known comic strip for thirty-five cents from a starving child artist on Hollywood Blvd.  That comic strip?  "Captain Stoppo"...

[Wild applause and some shouts.]

Who would have thought that dumb little cartoon would become the foundation of MC Comics - the World's Largest Comic Book company.  With iconic characters such as The Planet 4, Dumb Kirk, Sniper Ken, Fig Men, Hydrogen Bob and the Flamer, MC Comics has no real rival.  I weep for Marvel and DC Comics and their pathetic little characters.

Believe me, if my life were in danger, I would trust The Liberal Spear to save my neck before suck ass Batman or Spider-man.  Am I right?

[Some applause.  Some 'boos'.]

So, I know I was supposed to speak for an hour - but I don't really have any more prepared remarks. 

But before I open it up for questions, I have a question for you:  What can YOU do for ME?  Well, if I may answer for you, you can watch my networks.

We have a bunch of geeky ass shit on our MBS network this fall.  I suppose the new "Forensics" season is worth watching.  We also have a weird, egghead-type sci-fi show "The Real Truth" slated for mid-season.  I'm not sure what it will replace since most of our fall shows are horrible and will most likely be canceled. 

From our Theatrical Group, The Planet 4 (Earth Shield 4X) is opening October 15.  We have a presentation tomorrow at Qualcomm Stadium.  The entire cast will be on hand and, I'm told... hang on, I have to read this... they will be arriving from Planet 4 via Flidrox c41?  Does that mean anything to you wastoids?

[Applause and shouts of approval from the crowd.]

Is that some kind of space ship?  Goddamn, what do you think that cost?

So that's it, I suppose. 

Thanks for the Wrath of Con (Khan) Award.  I will do my best to uphold the high standards of last year's winner - Rupert Murdoch.  I'm not sure if he actually won it, I really have no idea. 

What time are cocktails?  I believe Manka Bros. is having our party on some hotel rooftop.  I'm happy to say none of you freaks are invited.

I'll now open it up for questions...

OK, yeah, Batman there in the third row.  Question?

Batman:  Any plans for a "Captain Stoppo" movie?

Khan Manka, Jr.:  I'm out of here!  Fuck you all!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company


 

Good morning. 

I'm back in office after a few days at an Indian [editor's change: Native American] Teepee sweat camp to get all the Sun Valley alcohol out of my system.  That Herb Allen really knows how to over serve his guests.

About the only good thing to come out of that suck ass Sun Valley Retreat last week was the commitment from a few of my fellow moguls to restart our Monthly Book Club. 

The last book club meeting we had was a couple of years ago and it was a disaster. 

As I recall, Carl Icahn crashed the meeting and threatened to wage a proxy war to take over all our companies but I promptly had him removed by security.  [Editor's note:  Mr. Manka, according to his own blog, actually invited Mr. Icahn to that meeting.  But it is true that he had him removed by security.]

Poor, pathetic Carl is such a joke he's not even able to take over Lionsgate - the puniest of all the studios.  So, sorry, Carl, you won't be getting an invite to my Mogul Book Club.  RULE #1:  YOU MUST BE A MOGUL.  Harvey Weinstein will also not be getting an invite.  Ben Silverman will be taking his place. 

As I told my mogul friends (Bob Iger, Rupert Murdoch, Phillipe Dauman, et al) at The Drankin' Hole last week, our book selection is "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo".  Everyone seems to be talking about this Stieg Larsson guy (maybe Manka Bros. should hire him to write something) - so I think it will be a better selection than our last book - "Water For Elephants".

The meeting will be at Haim Saban's house one week from Sunday - so get your assistants to pick up the book and get reading!

To my Senior Management Team at Manka Bros., I suppose we should have some sort of meeting to see what the fuck is going on around here and why haven't had a hit movie this summer!

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Sun Valley Conference 2010
Day 1   Day 2   Day 3   Day 4


Day 4:

I'm told Harvey Weinstein was the first to arrive at The Drankin' Hole - an Idaho-friendly way of saying 'bar'. 

During the conference, the bar has been dubbed the Herb Allen Memorial Drankin' Hole.  I'm not sure why "Memorial" is in there since Herb is very much alive - but, that's Idaho for ya.

After the past two horrible nights and after Manka Bros. received ZERO Emmy Nominations earlier in the day, I was in no mood to stay sober.  So I was relieved that we would finally be devoting an evening to the fine art of getting drunk.  And drunk we did get.

But my depression was Harvey Weinstein's depression's bitch.  He lost an entire studio earlier that day.  At least Manka Bros.' standing as the World's Largest Media Company is intact.  Harvey ain't got shit.

The Drankin' Hole is nestled deep within the Sun Valley Lodge and there would be no access to anyone lower than mogul status with the exception of bartender Bin Tran (best dirty martinis in the world!) whose job it was to keep the drinks flowing and the bar fully stocked.

The March of the Moguls into the bar began immediately after LeBron James announced he was going to Miami.  I don't really care where LeBron goes - but it seems to me we can't slam a guy who would prefer to spend his winters in Miami over Cleveland.  Call me crazy.  Most entering the room were talking about it and kept calling him a "moron" except George Bodenheimer - who called him a genius.  "What till you see the overnights!"

So... I won't bore anyone with the bullshit chitchat that went on while waiting for the effects of alcohol to take over our brains.  (One side note:  Bob Iger did ask if I wanted to buy ABC.  I had to 'gently' remind him that I already owned a major broadcast network - MBS.  I must apologize to Bob.  I didn't mean to dress him down so cruelly in front of the other moguls.  But I worry about Bob.  I think he's starting to lose his memory).

I think it was Terry Semel who figured out how to turn on the Karaoke machine.  He was fiddling around with something on the little stage in the bar and suddenly there was BLAAHT from one of the speakers. 

"Is this on?  Is this on?", Terry said.  "I'd like to propose a toast... to Herb Allen for continuing to boost our egos by designating us the most important people of the world every year.  To my fellow Moguls... for being the most important people in the world.  And to Bin Tran - for making the best dirty martinis in the world!"  This last one got the biggest applause.  "Now let's sing!"

Terry Semel started things off with Barry Manilow's "Ready To Take A Chance Again".  It was sung about an octave too low and was more spoken then sung.  But it had heart.  If you know Terry's voice, you get the idea.

I would say the most embarrassing moment came when Harvey Weinstein sang a sloppy drunk version of "I Will Survive".  We all seemed to feel this was a bit too on the nose.  It got truly pathetic when he sang the chorus "I Will Survive" and we all sang back "No, You Won't!"  Sad sad sad.

For myself, I always start off with "Me and Bobby McGee" and then later I do "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam.  Always a crowd favorite - but I used to be in a band.

Other highlights included Jeff Zucker ("Desperado"), Brian Roberts ("Everybody Dance Now"), Haim Saban ("Summer Wind" and "My Way"), Diane Von Furstenberg surprised us all with the entire "Bohemian Rhapsody", Chase Carey did an unbelievably killer version of "Keep On Rocking In The Free World", Larry Page, Sergey Brin and Eric Schmidt really embarrassed themselves with "Livin' On A Prayer" and Mark Zuckerberg sang some song by Kelly Clarkson that no one really knew or paid attention to.

We kept waiting for Barry Diller to sing that song he does every year from "Les Miserables" - but he decided not to sing this year.  I can imagine he's exhausted from last night's "event".

The evening was concluded perfectly by Warren Buffett and Herb Allen who got together on stage and thanked everyone and then did a heartfelt version of "Last Dance".  By the time it got the "fast skate" portion (a throwback term to my roller disco years in the 1970s), we were hopping around in a joyous drunken way, singing along and enjoying our power.

Last night was a truly great night.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Sun Valley Conference 2010
Day 1   Day 2   Day 3   Day 4


Day 3:

There is an unspoken and unwritten code among us moguls that I am about to break.

I have seen many things over my crazy life - from drugged out son of movie mogul Harry Manka in the 1960s and 70s to my current life as head of Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company - but nothing prepared me for the fucked up shit that Herb Allen (& Co.) put us through last night.  This is a sick and pathetic world (even for us rich and powerful) and you either join the sick and pathetic to survive or die trying.

While the media that is gathered behind the barbed wire and gun toting secret police outside the walls of the Sun Valley Lodge will hear one story about last night's "charity gala hosted by Diane Von Furstenberg" - the real story is what happened on the other side of the Lodge. 

At 7:46 PM, the lights went out in my room.  This wasn't a problem since it was still light outside.  I could see fine.  A slow, ominous drum beat could be heard in the distance.  Then, the distinct voice of Charlie Rose came over the loudspeakers in what I thought was Latin but just turned out to be bad pronunciation.  I started to make out the words:

"Seekers and Outliers...
Don't Blink...
It's An Inflection Point...
The Tipping Point..."

There was a pounding on the door of my suite.  I looked over and saw smoke coming from underneath the door.  I put on a robe and opened the door. 

Standing there was Sergey Brin and Larry Page dressed in chain mail - almost like Raider fans.  Sergey was holding a smoke machine.  Larry, speaking in as low a pitch as possible (but still pretty high), said:  "You have been chosen.  The Master demands your presence."

Behind them, down the hall, I could see Jeff Zucker and Brian Roberts (badly disguised in homemade Spider-man costumes) drag a screaming Jeffrey Katzenberg out of his room and down the hall.  Katzenberg was screaming:  "I just need to finish this fucking call, you assholes!" 

I went peacefully in my bathrobe to wherever the Google guys were taking me.  Why the fuck not?  This conference was already a dud as far as I'm concerned.  This could actually be something interesting.

It was odd to see the Hotel Staff continue to say things to me like "Good evening, Mr. Manka" and "How are you tonight, sir?" - while being led to some secret location by Sergey Brin and Larry Page in chain mail.  I believe they were supposed to put a hood on my head because once we got outside they stopped and argued a bit and then put a hood on my head.  I could hear a few kids jumping into the nearby pool and having a good time.

As I walked toward something in complete darkness, the drum beat got louder and more intense and I could feel the heat of fire.  My hood was suddenly pulled from my head and I had to laugh at what I saw -

- Barry Diller - in tight, small burlap sack shorts, a pair of metallic wings on his bare arms that were on fire at the tips and nothing else - standing in front of me in all his glory.  I believe he had taken advantage of the free spray tan offered by the hotel.  Behind him, on the ground doing Chinese splits in front of a large Burning Figure was Jon Miller.  He was staring right at me as though he was about to kick my ass.

Barry was having some trouble holding up the metal wings, so Haim Saban and Les Moonves each held up a wing.   

Barry Diller spoke to me in that slow, effeminate but oh-so-frightening voice:  "Khan Manka, are you new media or old media?"

I told him I didn't believe in the concept of old and new media.  It's just media to me.

Barry Diller:  Wrong answer! 

What followed (and I can't keep writing because there are more pointless presentations and panels to go to today) was an insane night of dancing around fires; simulating the drinking of blood (which was actually Cape Cod's with red food dye squeezed out of bota bags); rubbing canola oil and dirt onto each other's bodies; something called the "golden shower test"; and, lastly, Barry demanded a human sacrifice which we all quickly decided should be Marc Andreesson.  I'll never get his screams out of my head. 

It was just the worst freakin' night of my life.

Afterwards, the lights came up and we were all given a goody bag by Herb Allen of various new handheld devices including the iPhone 4, the Droid and the latest iPad.

This morning, 5:00 a.m. came really early.  The last thing I wanted to hear was the "Dawn of the Mogul".

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Day 1:  Heading To Herb Allen's Sun Valley Conference
Day 2:  Dawn Of The Mogul - Sun Valley 2010 - Day 2

Sun Valley Conference 2010
Day 1   Day 2   Day 3   Day 4


Day 2:

Good morning... or as they say in Sun Valley "Another Beauty" - in that certain rich hippie way.  The first night of the four day drunk fest is over and I'm not feeling too bad considering how much I drank last night.

The dinner was fine.  Who knew moose would work so well in a stew?  The flan was also not too bad.  I was seated between Mark Zuckerberg and Lady Gaga (Mogul?  Really?). 

That Gaga guy was fine but Mark Zuckerberg was a pain in my ass.  I tried to change seats but no one would do it. 

It seems Zuckerberg was pissed off that some blogger in my enormous company made some crack that "Facebook Is Worthless".  I have thousands of employees.  I can't be bothered about one freakin' blogger.  What a punk ass dope! 

The drinking went well into the night.  Rupert Murdoch, Terry Semel and I held court in Herb's Grotto near the Piranha Tank.  As I said yesterday, bartender Bin Tran makes the best freakin' dirty martinis I've ever had.  I suck 'em down like water.

Unfortunately, the night had to end and this morning began at 5:00 a.m. with the ridiculous "Dawn of the Mogul" choral arrangement / wake up call (written by Michael Eisner years ago) played over loud speakers to urge us all to:

"Rise, Rise, Rise with the Sun.
We are Moguls. 
The World We Run... etc. etc."

This annoying, horrible song repeats and repeats until we all gather out in the Common Area (a name that seriously needs to be changed.  We are far from "common".  I have suggested "Manka Plaza" or "Khan Kourt").

After we assembled for calisthenics led by Bob Iger (a non-starter for me and almost all of the Tech CEOs), "The Call of the Moguls" fanfare is played while the Allen & Co. flag is raised up the flagpole. 

We then recite "The Pledge of the Mogul" (which I will not repeat - but involves words like "integrity", "philanthropy" and "quality").  All bullshit if you ask me.  But there were a few guys (Jeffrey Katzenberg and Harvey Weinstein to name a couple) who were reciting it as though they were brainwashed North Korean school children.  They were in tears as they pledged to be the best mogul they could be. 

[As a side note, some of us are meeting later in the day to discuss whether Harvey Weinstein can still be considered a mogul.  It may be time to ceremonially strip him of this title.  We'll have to see.]

After an awkward group embrace, we were sent our own way by Herb Allen for bike riding, tennis or our own private "thinking time" by the Duck Pond. 

We then gathered in the "Great Hall of the Moguls" for a breakfast of waffles and our choice of sausage made from wild game that was recently shot on a local hunting farm.  Antelope seems to be favorite among media moguls.  The tech moguls go right for the bacon made from wild boar.

So that's been my morning.  I passed on going to several little panel groups and am about to have my first cocktail. 

Jeff Zucker and Peter Chernin are sneaking out of the "Women In Technology" panel and joining me to watch the Spain / Germany World Cup match.

Hopefully, something interesting is planned for tonight.  I'm so unbelievably bored.

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company

Sun Valley Conference 2010
Day 1   Day 2   Day 3   Day 4


Day 1:

I'm leaving the office and heading to Herb Allen's Sun Valley Retreat.  I've been going up for the past 20 years or so and it's becoming more of a chore than a joy. 

It used to be fun to watch Bob Iger and Rupert Murdoch get drunk and do late night karaoke - but not much anymore. 

Hopefully, Herb has something up his sleeve this year to pump some life into this dinosaur of a conference.  If it's the same as it was last year and the year before, people are going to stop coming.  And that would break poor Herbie's heart. 

I'll attempt to write about anything interesting that happens - though it all depends on the severity of my hangovers.

While I will reachable by phone, if anyone other than Lloyd Grohl tries to contact me, that person will be fired.  If Lloyd Grohl needs to contact me and cell phone service is weak or if I'm holding my iPhone 4 in the wrong position, I can probably be found in Herb's Grotto next to the piranha tank.  The bartender, Bin Tran, makes the best dirty martini in the world.

[Note to my assistant Vicky:  I noticed at tonight's dinner in the Great Hall of the Moguls they have me seated between Mark Zuckerberg and Lady Gaga.  I would prefer not to sit next to Zuckerberg.  That punk ass kid is freak.]

Khan Manka, Jr. - Chairman & CEO - Manka Bros. Studios - The World's Largest Media Company