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OCTOGENARIAN: Those Damn Kids: January 2008 Archives

January 2008 Archives

Yesterday was my birthday. I was born January 27, 1920. For the idiots that can't add, that makes me 88 years old.

Over my miserable long life I've seen a lot of things.

I've seen kids spit, wipe dog shit, throw gum, throw toilet paper, smear shaving cream, splatter pig's hearts, spin the wheels of their cars - you name it and I've seen THOSE DAMN KIDS do it to my lawn. (There is some comfort in knowing one day I will kill them all.)

I've seen men get their brains blown out by Germans, Russians, Koreans, Brits, Americans, French, Canadians and French Canadians.

I've seen men blow their own brains out several times.

I've seen people suffer through depressions, recessions, and assassinations.

I've seen people die of lung cancer, stomach cancer, brain cancer, liver cancer, skin cancer and ass cancer.

I've seen my beloved Michigan devastated by floods, tornadoes, blizzards and the worst goddamned boating disaster in the U.S. history.

I've seen 15 U.S. Presidents tell me that life was going to be better in the future.

I've seen 15 U.S. Presidents lie to me every time.

I've seen Haley's Comet - twice.

One thing I haven't seen... my son on my birthday ever since he and his wife moved to California.

I'll talk at you next week...

lester aldrich_small.jpg

Lester Aldrich is a freelance columnist for Octogenarian MagazineManka Bros. Studios is not responsible for any action by our freelance writers.  If Mr. Aldrich actually kills someone, that's his problem. Manka Bros. cannot be held accountable.

snow shovel.jpgIt has snowed a foot here in middle Michigan over the last couple days which means one thing: THOSE DAMN KIDS are out of school.  I can always tell when school has been canceled by the sound of Mrs. Aldrich screaming after being hit by a barrage of snowballs thrown by those little fuckholes.

After a good snow, Mrs. Aldrich likes to get out and shovel the driveway early but this time she stopped halfway through complaining of back pain.  I needed to get my car out of the garage somehow for a lunch down at the VFW, but snow was blocking the Goddamned door and the Mrs. just sat on her ass watching television, popping pills.

I was trapped.

Then the doorbell rang.

Well, well, well, if it isn't Snotty Scotty and his little prick band of driveway shovelers.

"Shovel your driveway, mister?"

"If it ain't free, you can fuck yourselves."

"Five dollars."

"Five dollars?!  Are you mentally retarded?  Did a grenade explode next to your brain?  You're a Goddamned punk just like your old man!  Get out of here!"

"Well, how much would you give us."

"A dollar and a quarter.  That was enough for me when I was a kid.  It's enough for you."

"There's a foot of snow."

"I slept in four feet of snow in the sewers of Belgium.  I drank mud and feces on Thanksgiving 1944.  What have you done with your miserable life?"

"Forget it, asshole."

Kids today.  No respect!

"Don't come back!" I screamed.

I slammed the door.

"Mrs. Aldrich, has the headache powder kicked in?  I need to get down to the VFW Hall!"

She nodded and got up, like any decent person would, and shoveled that Goddamned driveway faster than ever.

That's a good woman.  The way a woman should act.

I'll talk at you next week...

lester aldrich_small.jpg

Lester Aldrich is a freelance columnist for Octogenarian MagazineManka Bros. Studios is not responsible for any action by our freelance writers.  If Mr. Aldrich actually kills someone, that's his problem. Manka Bros. cannot be held accountable.

About Lester Aldrich

Lester Aldrich - Those Damn Kids - Manka Bros. - Octogenarian

Lester Aldrich is a World War 2 and Korean War veteran. He has been a contributing writer for Manka Bros.' Octogenarian Mankazine since he turned 80 (eight years ago). He lives in East Lansing, Michigan with his wife of 65 years and really hates THOSE DAMN KIDS.

 

 

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